Managing Holiday Expectations with Adult Children: Tips for a Joyful Holiday Season
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“Yet true godliness with contentment is itself great wealth.” - 1 Timothy 6:6
Longing for Christmas Past
Angela riffled through the familiar Christmas boxes, as she quietly set up the tree. Memories of Christmases past swirled through her mind. Christmas morning arrived with bleary eyed kids awake early, while gooey cinnamon rolls baked in the oven. The smell of cinnamon and a fresh brewed coffee wafted through the home. The three eager kids were lined up on the couch, in their matching Christmas jammies, waiting for them to doll out their presents. “Which one did Santa bring?” the youngest exclaimed as Angela and her hubby shared a knowing glance.
Hours were spent on the floor playing with their new toys, while discarded Christmas wrapping and bows floated around the room. Lego sets were carefully organized at the table as little boys built their new creations. They could barely pull the kids away from their new treasures to enjoy a little Christmas breakfast.
“I wonder what Christmas will be like this year?” Angela thought. I wish we could go back to those simple days when all the kids were at home. We had them all to ourselves. It was so easy. We didn’t have to share with in-laws. I wish we could just keep it all the same forever. I feel sad that those days are gone.
A Season to Adapt
We long to cling to the good ole days when our kids were young and we knew exactly what to expect. It was easier. We weren’t required to adapt. We wouldn’t be disappointed. We understand this tension of longing for the past but realize we must adapt for the good of the whole.
This is a new season with our adult children and holding on to old expectations is the surest way to ruin the holiday season for our whole family. We have a gracious God who willingly supports us as we learn new ways.
Let's define expectations so we’re all on the same page. According to Collins Dictionary, a person's expectations are strong beliefs they have about the proper way someone should behave or something should happen.
For moms, a lot of expectations center around how we believe the holidays should look for our families. When our kids don’t meet those expectations it causes tension.Disappointment bubbles up, resentment brews.
Do you have expectations of what the holiday season should look like? Are you crushed when your expectations aren’t met by your grown kids? What if there were a better way for us to enjoy the holiday season with our growing families?
What is God’s perspective on expectations?
God continually calls us to a higher level as He asks us to focus on Him instead of our circumstances. God invites us to holiness instead of reacting with our flesh, which demands its own way. Our flesh resists, but God calls us to be gracious and move with Him. When we do this we’ll have peace. We realize it’s not all about our wants anymore. There are others to consider.
“Yet true godliness with contentment is itself great wealth.” - 1 Timothy 6:6 God requires us to let go of our wishes and choose contentment instead. As we learn the art of compromise and flexibility, have honest conversations with our kids, and choose what matters most, we maintain our bonds of peace through the holiday season.
How about you? Are you prepared to enjoy the holiday season with your kids as you adapt and shift, for the good of the whole?
Top Tips for a Joyful Holiday Season:
1. Practice being adaptable and flexible.
A rigid mom is an unhappy mom. When you put your foot down and demand something of your grown kids, you will be met with resistance. Your children may not speak it, but you will definitely feel it in their presence.
Instead, you, the wise mom, understands the holidays will look different once your children are grown. To assume the holiday plans will remain the same is selfish and unhelpful. As you begin to be more flexible and adapt to everyone’s perspective, the art of compromise is practiced and the familial bond is maintained.
2. Understand your adult kids are not responsible for your happiness
Momma, this is a hard truth for you to realize, but your grown children are not responsible for your happiness. That rests squarely on your shoulders. You are in charge of your emotions and your responses.
If shifting plans causes emotional turmoil, then you would be wise to talk to God about it, instead of your kids. Sort out the disappointment with Him. He can handle it well. Let His tenderness towards you, comfort you. As you do the emotional work with God, He’ll equip you and help you understand your happiness comes from Him, not others.
3. Utilize open communication with your adult kids
The surest way to handle any expectation or potential conflict surrounding the holidays is to have honest conversations with your kids. Your kids are likely afraid to talk to you about their desire to change the holidays, so you can be a helpful leader by bringing it up with them.
Start with lots of open-ended questions so you can get the conversation started.
Try these questions:
What are you thinking about the holidays?
How would you like them to look this year?
What matters most to you?
Is there anything you would like to do differently?
Remember as Mary DeMuth says, “the hierarchy flattens as our children become adults.” They have equal input in our plans and conversations. When you invite them to talk with you, you are showing them they are adults and their opinions matter too.
4. Choose what matters most and let the rest go.
If there is a certain part of the holidays that are important to you, then communicate that with your kids. Your opinion still counts, it’s just that you can’t have all the things you want. If the location matters, pick that. If a certain food or tradition is important then keep that, and let compromise allow you to release all the rest.
It helps to understand you can make different choices each year. Change the location, food, date, and the people around your table based on what works for everyone. Get curious about how your holidays could look. See it as a new adventure each year. Cortney Farmer, of The Soft Never said, “Don’t make your traditions an idol because then you miss the true reason for celebrating the holidays.”
Mommas, I know this is hard for us but with God’s help and a willing heart, we can have beautiful holidays with our grown kids. As we practice the art of compromise, handle our emotions with God, utilize open honest communication, and let go of what doesn't matter, we will have renewed connection and peace this holiday season.
Now, go call your kids and have an honest conversation. You’ll be glad you did.
Let’s pray.
Dear Papa, You know I long for the years when the kids were all home. Give me courage to have honest conversations with my grown kids. I want to hear their perspective. Give me the ability to be flexible and adaptable for the greater good. Help me be a leader in setting the tone for the holidays. I will run to You when it hurts instead of taking it out on my kids. Amen.
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