From Conflict to Connection: Overcoming Communication Barriers with Your Adult Child
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Can we talk?
It seems like an easy question, but moms and their adult children often feel frustrated with each other when they want to communicate. Multiple barriers can keep these treasured family members from communicating effectively.
Moms understand things have changed, but why does talking to your grown kids often feel like we miss each other completely? One feels misunderstood, while the other feels disrespected. Tension rises while kids want to retreat. Mom feels rejected, and each party hurts. There’s got to be a better way.
Knowing the barriers to watch out for can help you adjust accordingly so that the conversation flows easily. Let’s look at some obstacles and ways to overcome them.
1. Unspoken Expectations
Moms may expect certain behaviors (like regular check-ins, holiday traditions, or faith practices) without clearly expressing them, while adult children may have different priorities.
Solution: Expectations lead to disappointment, so listening to what your adult child needs in this season is helpful. Flexibility combined with grace will aid in deeper understanding.
2. Shifting Roles & Boundaries
It’s tough to transition from a parent-child dynamic to an adult-to-adult relationship. Moms may struggle to step back while their adult children want independence. The tension is palpable as each is learning their new role.
Solution: Accept this is a season of supporting your child instead of dictating how they live. Allow them to be autonomous. Your child is meant to stand on their own as they navigate adulthood.
3. Differing Faith Perspectives
If an adult child has walked away from the faith or interpreted it differently, conversations about faith, values, and life choices can feel tense or avoided altogether. You often feel like a failure if your child has changed their views. They feel like they’ve disappointed you and may try to avoid you altogether.
Solution: Invite your child to a conversation about their faith. Listen for understanding. You’re not trying to change their view; you want to hear their heart. It’s not your job to change them; that’s God’s job. Listen and support, and continue to love without judgment. Pray God will reach them with His love.
4. Fear of Rejection or Disapproval
Moms may hesitate to share their feelings out of fear of pushing their children away, while adult children may avoid specific topics to prevent disappointing their parents. Can you feel the pull? Both party hurts, and you can’t find your way through,
Solution: Work on creating an environment of mutual respect. Have empathy and validate your child when they share an opposing view. Lead with love as you cultivate compassion and kindness instead of disapproval and distance,
5. Generational & Cultural Differences
Younger generations may communicate differently. They prefer texting to phone calls. They may prefer to keep some things to themselves, and that’s okay. They may not value family time as much as you do.
Solution: Ask them how often and how they want to talk. They might prefer a phone call, FaceTime, or texting. (However, conflict should never be handled via text because you can’t decipher tone.)
6. Over-involvement or Under-involvement
Some moms may offer advice that feels intrusive, while others may withdraw too much out of fear of overstepping, leaving the child feeling unsupported.
Solution: Awareness is crucial. You must understand that you must step back if you’re overly involved. Only give advice when asked. Your child will appreciate this immensely. If you sense your child feels adrift and unsupported, ask how you can best support them.
7. Emotional Baggage & Past Hurts
Unresolved conflicts, past parenting decisions, or misunderstandings can linger and make open communication difficult. Hurt festers like an infected wound.
Solution: Courage is necessary as you apologize for past hurts. Tell your child you were doing your best with the information you had. Seek to understand. This requires humility and grace.
8. Busyness & Life Demands
Adult children juggling careers, marriage, and parenting may not communicate as often, which moms may misinterpret as a lack of love or respect. Your child is busy being an adult. They aren’t always thinking of you, and that’s how it’s supposed to be.
Solution: Endeavor to not be offended by your child’s busy life. They’re not intentionally trying to hurt you. They can’t always pick up the phone, but a quick text is easier for them.
9. Different Communication Styles
Some moms prefer deep, heart-to-heart conversations, while their kids may be more direct or prefer lighthearted interactions. This mismatch can create frustration.
Solution: Accept your differences in how you and your child like to communicate. This will lead to less frustration and more peace for both of you.
10. Lack of Active Listening
When either party feels unheard—whether it's a mom wanting connection or an adult child seeking autonomy—it can lead to resentment and miscommunication. Listening to respond instead of understanding leads to frustration.
Solution: Mirror back what your child says to you and vice versa. Then you can’t have misunderstandings. Use the phrase, “So I hear you saying…” often and each of you can feel heard and understood.
Strengthening communication with your adult child takes patience, understanding, and a willingness to adapt. By recognizing these common barriers and implementing thoughtful solutions, you can foster deeper connections and reduce misunderstandings.
Remember, your role has shifted from guiding to supporting, and that’s a beautiful transition when embraced with grace. Keep the conversation open, lead with love, and trust that God works in both your heart and your child's.
Let’s pray.
Dear Papa, I love my grown child. Please help us communicate in a supportive and beneficial way for both of us. Heal any past hurts and lead me to have courage, flexibility, and the desire to understand my child’s heart. Amen.
Still struggling?
What did I say? Grab my free guide: 10 Things Not to Say to Your Adult Child(and 5 Ways to Stop Yourself From Saying Them), A starter list of things moms say that frustrate their adult children. Identify the statements that trip you up and learn strategies for more harmony and connection in your relationship with your grown children.
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