Secrets to Being a Mother-in-Law Who Loves Without Overstepping
/
"That is why a man leaves his father and mother and is united to his wife, and they become one flesh"- Genesis 2:24
Navigating the changing dynamics of family life can be both beautiful and challenging. As your child enters a serious relationship and eventually chooses a spouse, your role as a mom shifts in meaningful ways. It’s a transition filled with opportunities to grow in love, grace, and wisdom.
You set the tone in your relationship with your daughter- or son-in-law from the beginning. Your words, actions, and heart posture toward them can either build a bridge of unity or create walls of distance. This new chapter requires intentionality and humility, but it also holds the potential for deep, lasting relationships that bless generations.
Let’s explore how you can be a positive, loving presence that strengthens your child’s marriage, honors God’s design for families, and ultimately brings you greater peace and joy.
You Set the Tone
You set the tone in your relationship with your daughter- or son-in-law. When your child gets serious about a relationship, you must guard how you respond to their potential mate. One critical or judgmental comment can produce wariness for your child’s future spouse.
Be mindful of your words. Therapist Heather Bjur recommends that you have one hundred percent positive regard for your child’s spouse. If you have a problem with something your child’s mate does, you take it up with God and continue to be a loving presence. You are not responsible for your child’s spouse's behavior, but you are responsible for yourself. Choose wisely, momma.
2. Treat Them Like Your Own Child
Instead of focusing on how different your daughter/son-in-law is from your family, take them under your wing and love them like your own. It’s a blessing and honor to love another child, even when they have another family.
You want to make them feel included and not like an outsider. Include them in the story-telling and reminiscing. Create new memories with them. Be involved in their lives. Take an interest in them as individuals. Love them as your own.
3. Allow Your Child to Leave and Cleave to Their Spouse
You are no longer #1 in your child's life. You had your season to direct and guide, but those days are over. Your child’s spouse is their most significant relationship now. They are their own family.
The Bible commands young couples to leave their parents and cling to their spouses. Encourage this practically and within your heart. Step back and let them be a united front. That was God’s plan, but if you continue to meddle in their lives, it will cause conflict.
4. Maintain Healthy Boundaries
Unless your child and his spouse ask, you don’t get to tell them what to do. You have no say in where they live, how they spend their money, who their friends are, how they parent, or what they believe about God. Those days are over; the sooner you understand this, the more peace you will have with your child’s spouse.
If either comes to you with a problem about their mate, point them back to their spouse. You have no business dealing with their marital issues. That will set you up to have a negative view of them. Encourage them to navigate struggles together without your interference.
5. Respect Them as a Couple
Honor plays a massive role in family dynamics. Be mindful of the language you use with your daughter/son-in-law. You need to respect their decisions even when you disagree because they are a separate family unit now.
Instead of being offended, practice honor. If you’re worried about a situation, talk less and pray more as you allow the Holy Spirit to convict the couple. Correction is not your responsibility; that belongs to God.
6. Apologize if You Make a Mistake
You will fail and hurt your son/daughter-in-law. You’ll say something uncaring or unintentionally hurt your child’s spouse. The only thing you can do is apologize and own your mistake. You are not responsible for their response. They may forgive you or choose to hold a grudge, but your job is to be a loving presence no matter what.
Adding a new person to the family dynamic can be challenging. You may both occasionally feel misunderstood. The best thing you can do is be a positive, loving presence. Extend grace, step back, and let your child and their mate be a strong family unit. This was God’s good plan for families. This is how legacy is created. As you understand your changing role and communicate your belief in their union, you’ll have many years to love your son/daughter-in-law well.
Let’s pray.
Dear Papa, I thank you for my child’s spouse. Help me be a loving presence without overstepping. Give me wisdom, grace, and self-control as I love my child’s spouse. I want to honor you well in this relationship. Heal any hurts and bind us together in love. Help me honor my child’s spouse and keep from overstepping. Amen.
Still struggling?
What did I say? Grab my free guide: 10 Things Not to Say to Your Adult Child(and 5 Ways to Stop Yourself From Saying Them), A starter list of things moms say that frustrate their adult children. Identify the statements that trip you up and learn strategies for more harmony and connection in your relationship with your grown children.
Leave your name and email so I know where to send it.
