Holiday Grace: Navigating Family Gatherings with an Adult Child Who Rejects Christianity

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Holiday Grace: Navigating Family Gatherings with an Adult Child Who Rejects Christianity

“But those who hope in the Lord will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint”.- Isaiah 40:31


Holiday Tension

It felt like a rubber band was stretched across her chest as Julia scraped the dinner plates and loaded the dishwasher. Her daughter Maddie would be returning home for her break from university. Fear rushed in as Julia thought about their last difficult interaction. 

Julia was aloof and tense that weekend. She just didn’t seem like herself. Julia sensed something was going on but she couldn’t get Maddie to talk.  She woke Maddie up Sunday morning and said, “It’s time for church, Babe.”  “I’m not going.” Julia barked. Aghast, she yelled back. “What do you mean you’re not going? As long as you live in this house, you’ll go to church with your dad and I.”  “You can’t make me,” she hollered. 

 Julia quietly closed the bedroom door and slumped away to her bedroom to cry. “Where did I go wrong, Lord? she wailed, as tears stained her pillow. “She’s so far from you and I feel like an utter failure. Please help me.” she prayed. 

Reflecting over the weekend, Julia noticed every time she reached out to connect with Maddie, it felt like her walls were up. “Maybe she sensed my judgment?” she wondered. “Maybe I was unnecessarily harsh?” she thought. Just thinking about spending time with her daughter over the holidays stressed her out. “Lord, there’s got to be a better way. Please help me,” she prayed, as she wiped off the counters.

Does Julia’s story ring true for you? Do you identify with the heartache, pressure, and shame a mom carries when her grown child rejects her faith? 

Are you flooded with questions:

  • Why God?

  • Where did I go wrong?

  • What will others think of me?

  • What if they experience complete separation from God?

  • How can we get along when we disagree?

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The Christian Mom’s Mindset for a Peaceful, Joyful Holiday with Her Adult Kids

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The Christian Mom’s Mindset for a Peaceful, Joyful Holiday with Her Adult Kids

Has holiday planning with your adult children increased your stress levels and you’re barely into November?

Maybe you can relate to Julia’s story:

Julia settled into her comfy chair with her morning coffee. Worry bubbled forth as she imagined what the holidays will look like this year. Her oldest, John, won’t be home as he’s heading to his wife's parent’s home. “I’ll never get used to sharing my child with another family,” she thinks, “I just don’t like it.” 

Her middle daughter, Elizabeth, won’t commit to plans. “Why can’t she just communicate with me? It’s so frustrating,” she sighs. “She seems annoyed with us all. We’re hardly even a family anymore. Why does it all have to be so stressful,” she wonders.

Connor, her youngest, will be home from college. “He never seems to want to be with us,” she thinks. “He’s always running around with his friends. I feel lonely and forgotten.” 

 “Lord, I need you. I’m overwhelmed and I don’t want our holidays to be stressful. I give everyone and everything to you. Please help me,” she whispered, as peace washed over her soul.


Mom Stress

Preparing for the holidays has never been easy for moms. Most of us have carried the mental weight of holiday planning for decades and the stress continues as our children reach adulthood. 

We all face many of these common stressors:

  • Sharing our married children with their in-laws.

  • Step-families and the juggling that requires. 

  • Tension in our adult children’s relationship with each other.

  • Our children have abandoned the religious views of their upbringing. 

  • No one in our families pitches in for meal prep and cleaning.

  • Our adult children are resistant to making family plans.

Talk about stress. No wonder we dread this time of year. It feels like too much, and we’ll just be disappointed again.

What if there was a way to shift our thinking? Could we adopt a healthier view, so we don’t end up crushed and disappointed? How could our holidays look if we entered them from a posture of surrender? 

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7 Ways to Pray for Your Adult Children

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7 Ways to Pray for Your Adult Children


“Therefore I tell you, whatever you ask for in prayer, believe that you will receive it and it will be yours.”-Mark 11:24

If you don’t pray for your adult child, who will?

These words were whispered to my heart, by the Holy Spirit, one morning as I sat with God. The velocity of the truth ripped through my soul. It got me wondering about who was actually praying for my children.  Perhaps my married children’s spouse’s did. Perhaps close friends. Maybe friends from their small group. Certainly my husband prayed for them and their grandma interceded on their behalf. Probably my son and daughter in law's parents prayed for our kids. 

 What about my grown children who weren’t walking with God? Who’s praying for them?

The Spiritual Folks

 We want the more spiritual folks to do the praying: the pastors, pastor’s wives, spiritual leaders, and missionaries.They know exactly what to pray and how to pray it. We feel more comfortable agreeing with their prayers.  We want to believe our children are supported through prayer, but in reality, the list is probably quite short. 

 If I’m one of the few people praying for my grown children, how does that impact my prayer life? It got me wondering:

  •  Could prayer be my first response instead of my last resort? 

  • What if I stepped away from formal prayers and just talked to God about what was going on in my grownup kid’s lives? 

  • What if I released control and surrendered it all to God?

  •  What would it look like if I exchanged my worries for confidence in God?

  •  What if I replaced doubt with faith?

  •  What if I allowed a mustard seed of faith to grow concerning my offspring? 

  • What if prayer were the antidote to distress?

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Your Empty Nest Journey Begins: What to Expect When Your Kids First Move Out

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Your Empty Nest Journey Begins: What to Expect When Your Kids First Move Out

The First Moments Without Them

The August sun beat down as we unloaded our overpacked cars and schlepped items up to the third floor of her dorm. We passed sweaty students, as eager parents made sense of the small spaces. Our youngest daughter, Keziah was bright with excitement as we unpacked boxes and got her closet arranged just right. Her dad lugged the refrigerator up three flights and lofted the bed. We were thankful for a breeze through her window.

We gobbled some Chick Fil-A, made a Target run, then took one last sweep of her room. We didn’t want to stay too long or do too much for her.  She plopped down on her cute futon under the lofted bed with the matching comforter and fluffy throw pillows. She looked content in her space, with little plants speckled about the room. She seemed ready. This was our cue to head home.

Why did she seem so assured and confident? This one was fiercely independent. All I could think of was I wouldn’t see her sweet face every day.  A lump formed in my throat as we said our goodbyes. Soft tears rolled down our cheeks. I think she cried for us more than herself. We knew this young woman would prosper in every way. 

The three hour ride home was quiet for my hubby and I as thoughts rolled through our minds and tears spilled. The familiar sadness of separation logged in the pit of my stomach.  All I could think about was how fast those eighteen years with her went. 

After 30 years of active parenting our five kids, our nest was empty. “What in the world would we fill our time with now that we weren’t running to their school activities.” I wondered.  I looked over at my husband as he wrapped his strong hand around mine. “It’s just me and you now,” I whispered. He looked at me with his warm hazel eyes and said, “I know baby, it’s gonna be okay.”

Our nests are empty! 

Most moms will come to this moment in their motherhood and will feel the weight of it. The journey with our children nearby has ended. Our normal rhythms are tossed aside. Suddenly, we can focus on our marriage and that can feel wonderful, or terrifying depending on how healthy our marriages are. 

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Why Difficult Conversations with Your Adult Child Strengthens Your Relationship

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Why Difficult Conversations with Your Adult Child Strengthens Your Relationship

 Understand this, my dear brothers and sisters: You must all be quick to listen, slow to speak, and slow to get angry. - James 1:19

Avoidance Tactics

Elizabeth stared out the window as she drove with her husband to the grocery store. She ruminated over a missed opportunity with her youngest daughter, Mackenzie. Instead of feeling courageous, she shrank into fear and avoided a hard conversation with Mac. 

She noticed her daughter talked less about God. Mac was a junior in college and she rarely attended church. Her once loved Bible was untouched on a shelf in her childhood bedroom. She always had an excuse not to attend: work, a college project, or weekends away with friends. Mackenzie declined whenever mom invited her to church too.

 Elizabeth wanted to bring it up, but she was afraid of offending her daughter. Everytime she tried to talk about it she would shrink back, fearing she didn’t have the right words.

 Deep down she didn’t really want to know why Mac had walked away from God. She felt like a failure as a mom. It was easier to remain at surface level with her daughter instead of wading in deep. “What if she rejects God forever,” Elizabeth thought. “I couldn’t bear that.” 

Avoiding the topic made Eliabeth feel far away from her daughter. All she was left with was a gaping hole in their relationship. “There has to be a better way,” she thought.  “It’s time we talked about it.”

Have you ever tiptoed around a conversation with your adult child?

We worry about not having the right words. We don’t want to come across as overbearing  or close-minded. Often we feel inadequate knowing we need grace and kindness as we approach the subject. We understand we can’t become defensive, but we don’t know what that looks like.

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7 Uplifting Prayers Your Heart Needs When Your Adult Child Struggles

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Prayer Matters

Your prayers are impactful.

When your adult child struggles, you feel helpless, as you want to rush in and rescue, but you know that’s not the best way to proceed. Your fixing stunts your adult child’s growth. Instead of rescuing, there’s a better way. Support them through prayer.

Prayer is an act of grace and a defiant “no” to the enemy’s schemes in your grownup child’s life. Instead of being upset, you bow your head and engage with your powerful God.

Prayer changes you, as you lay down your rights and get in tune with God’s work on the earth and in your adult child’s life. You trade your worries and fears for confidence in your Maker. You trust your good God will see your child through each struggle. Growth will come. Hope will rise as you intercede.

Remember, your child will struggle; troubles come to all of us. When it all feels too much for you to bear, turn to these prayers. Sit with God and pour it all out, as you exchange your fears for His lovingkindness and grace.

1. A Prayer of Lament When You Need to Be Honest with God

Scripture: 

“Bend down, O Lord, and hear my prayer;  answer me, for I need your help. Protect me, for I am devoted to you. Save me, for I serve you and trust you. You are my God.” Psalm 86:1-2

  Prayer:

Oh, God, it hurts deeply to see my child struggle. I’m hurting and I’m overcome with worry, but I know I need to run to you. So here I am, pouring it all out. I need your help. My child needs your help. Hear me and answer me because I love you and you love me. I know you are my faithful God. Amen.

2. A  Prayer for Releasing the Need to Fix Your Child

Scripture:

“You say, “I am allowed to do anything”—but not everything is good for you. And even though “I am allowed to do anything,” I must not become a slave to anything.” Corinthians 6:12

Prayer: 

Dear God, you know I want to rush in and make everything better for my child. I could, but if I did, it would thwart their growth. So give me strength to understand what my child is responsible for and what I’m responsible for. I do not want to get in the way of their maturing. Amen

3. A Prayer for Relinquishing Control of Outcomes

Scripture:

  “You can make many plans, but the Lord’s purpose will prevail.”- Proverbs 19:21

 Prayer:        

God, you know I struggle with expectations about how my child’s life should go. Help me surrender my plans for your purposes. You, alone, know what’s best for my adult child. I relinquish my desire to impact any outcomes. I know your plans and purposes are best. I accept them wholeheartedly. Amen.

4. A Prayer for When You Need to Accept Your Child’s Troubles

Scripture:

 “But Job replied, “You talk like a foolish woman. Should we accept only good things from the hand of God and never anything bad?” So in all this, Job said nothing wrong.”- Job 2:10

Prayer:

Oh, Lord, you know I get this wrong so often. I assume you only give good gifts so when troubles come I’m disappointed in you. That’s the wrong way to view you. Help me understand you allow hardship because you care about my child’s relationship with you, more than their comfort. You are good. You are always good, even when difficulties arrive in my child’s life. Amen.

5. A Prayer for When You Want to Trust God More

Scripture:

“The Lord is my strength and shield.I trust him with all my heart. He helps me, and my heart is filled with joy. I burst out in songs of thanksgiving.”-Psalm 28:7

Prayer:

Dear Lord, I know this season of my life is all about trusting you more. You love my grown kids more than I do, so help me lean into my relationship with you. Reveal your greatness and reassure me as you teach me how to trust you with my grown children. These kids are yours, and I trust you with my whole heart. I know you're working in unseen ways. I bless you for helping me. I praise your great name. Amen.

6. A  Prayer for Finding Strength in God

Scripture:

“O Lord, do not stay far away! You are my strength; come quickly to my aid!”-Psalm 22:19

Prayer:

Lord, I must confess, there are so many times I feel weak when it comes to my adult kids' struggles. I become consumed with worry and I know that’s not how you want me to live. Be my strength and shield. Help me understand apart from you I am weak and fragile. But when I lean on you, I am held, confident and secure. Be the strength of my life and my confidence forever. Amen.

7. A Prayer that Your Child Seeks God

Scripture:

“If you look for me wholeheartedly, you will find me.”-Jeremiah 29:13

Prayer:

Papa, I ask you to draw my hurting child to your heart. Help them seek you with all their might. Help them lean into you through their suffering. Help them experience your love through these difficult days. When they are far from you, draw them closer, as you minister your love. Amen.

You have the privilege of praying when your adult child fails. Your prayers are important. “Because no one has the burden of heart for your adult children that you do, your prayer for them will have a fervency that no one else’s will have.” - Stormie Omartian, The Power of Praying for Your Adult Children

No one cares for your child more than you; you have a front row seat to God’s miracles in your child’s life. Keep praying, momma!

Can I pray for you?

Dear God of Tender Mercies, I praise you and thank you for this momma. Thank you for seeing her and hearing her. You are a responsive God. Bless this momma with peace in her heart. Give her unwavering confidence in you, her Mighty God. Pour out your steadfast love and faithfulness upon her as she intercedes for her child. Work all the difficult circumstances together for good. Turn misery into a miracle as this momma waits on you. Amen.

Still struggling? 

Grab my free guide, Your Kids Are Grown….Now What? It’s a four page guide to help you understand the three different phases of midlife motherhood. You’ll move from the Empty-Feeling mom, the Questioning Mom, and the Celebratory mom. The guide will help you see what to expect next. 

Just leave your name and email so I know where to send it.

How to Support Your Struggling Adult Child

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How to Support Your Struggling Adult Child

“The name of the Lord is a fortified tower; the righteous run to it and are safe.”- Proverbs 18:10

Amy’s Struggle

Julie felt the weight of her grown daughter’s struggles. Tension pressed across her forehead as she rehashed yesterday's conversation with Amy.  Amy had landed a job shortly after college, but then sunk into a depression after her long term boyfriend called it quits. Heartbroken and sad, Amy checked out. She no longer cared for herself, and called in “sick” to work, often. 

As a way to support her daughter, Julie agreed to a nightly check in phone call. At first Julie felt relieved to hear from her daughter, but as time progressed, so did Amy’s complaining. Amy was spiraling into bitterness and hopelessness. 

Julie woke one morning after another fitful night of sleep and prayed, “God, I cannot do this anymore. Amy is exhausting me. Please give me wisdom to support Amy without taking on her emotional load. Give me courage to set some boundaries with Amy because I’m losing myself in the pain. Amen.”  

How About You?

Have you ever faced sleepless nights and days of worried thoughts because your grown child isn’t thriving?

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