How to Reconnect When You Feel Distant
/
“Though one may be overpowered, two can defend themselves. A cord of three strands is not quickly broken.” - Ecclesiastes 4:12
Our Daily Returning
Hubby and I gathered at our bright kitchen island as worship music played softly from the Alexa atop the fridge. He carried the stress and pressure of leading a church. I lugged the weight of being self-employed as a writer and life coach. Cooking together is a way to relax and unwind after a busy day.
He peeled the carrots and chopped the onions with precision, while I warmed the Dutch oven on the stove with a splash of olive oil. “How was your day?” he asked. “Good, I got a lot done at my desk, but my upper back is killing me,” I replied. With warm eyes, he met me at the stove and rubbed the tension away with his strong hands.
He returned to chopping, deep in thought. “What are you thinking about, honey,” I asked. “I’m just processing a situation,” he said introspectively. I leave him to his thoughts because I know this is the best way for him to come to a solution. I eased over to him and wrapped myself around his tall frame and said, “I love you. You’re my favorite.” He smiled and leaned in for a kiss.
Cooking together feels like a lovely dance. He does all the chopping while I work my magic at the stove. We talk, process, and enjoy each other's company. This is our daily rhythm, the place where we find our way back to each other. The place we reconnect.
Do you have a way to reconnect with your spouse?
In our midlife marriages we often feel distant from our mates. The cares of the world and the stress of children take a toll, and we have little left to support one another. We’ve been focused on our offspring for decades, leaving distance between us. This can cause us to feel disconnected.
In order to bridge the gap we need to make intentional movements towards one another. We need to see each other and move closer. Connection is a million little choices lined up together. The sum total creates our bond.
We also need to remember whose we are. As we stood before God on our wedding day, we pledged to invite God to bless our union and be a part of it. Many of us referenced this verse in our ceremonies.“Though one can be overpowered, two can defend themselves. A cord of three strands is not easily broken.” - Ecclesiastes 4:12
In returning to God, we welcome Him to renew our marriage. We cannot be better on our own, but when we lock arms with God, He equips us to strengthen our bond. We forgive more freely, we trust His good plans for us, and rely on His love at work in and through us as we reach out towards our husband.
Four Ways to Reconnect When You Feel Distant
1. Remember why you fell in love.
Take a few moments and think back to the days when your love was new and you couldn’t stop thinking about your man. Appreciate how you took up space with each other as you fell in love. Reminisce and share sweet memories. Sometimes we simply forget how good it used to be. Remembering will help you feel safe to move closer.
2. See the best in your spouse.
Criticism and conflict can erode the good we see in our spouse. They cause us to focus on what’s lacking instead of what admirable qualities are right in front of us.
Here’s an activity to help you:
You won’t share this list with him. This is between you and God. Make a list of all your spouses' favorable traits. Write down the physical traits, personality strengths and character qualities you adore. Now, make a list of all the ways you fall short in your relationship. This is a humbling experience, for sure. Spend a few weeks praying over this list and watch how God transforms your heart. You will come away with a renewed appreciation for your better half.
3. Find shared activities to enjoy together.
You may have spent the first two decades of your marriage enjoying separate interests. Your union will be strengthened when you find something to do together. It doesn’t have to be expensive or extravagant. Take a daily walk, pray together, cook together, do a puzzle, watch a sporting event, go fishing. The possibilities are endless but it starts with intentionality. Have a conversation with your hubby and see what you discover together.
4. Have boundaries with your adult children.
Your life does not need to be swallowed up with your children’s concerns. You don’t have to babysit every time they need you. Learn to say “no.” You don’t have to spend hours worrying about them.They’re adults and responsible to meet their own challenges.This is a fresh season of freedom for you and your spouse. Let go of your grown children and focus on each other. You are free to be a little selfish.
We all experience seasons where we don’t feel close to our husbands, but if we take intentional steps towards each other, the rewards are bountiful. Our midlife marriages can be a place of deep connection and fun as we choose closeness over distance.
Let’s pray.
Dear Papa, Thank You for my marriage. Help me see there are things I can do to decrease the distance between me and my husband. Give me courage to apply these tips so I can feel closer to him. Help me rely on You as You help me take intentional steps towards my hubby. Thank You for Your work in our marriage. Amen.
Still struggling?
Grab my free guide, Marriage Awareness Worksheet.
As a Midlife Mindset Coach for Moms, I love to ask powerful questions. This worksheet contains a series of questions you will work through to gain clarity on how you can have a more fulfilling marriage. This prayerful activity is just between you and God, as He provides the insight you need. Leave your name and email so I know where to send it.
Do you and your husband struggle with how to handle conflict in a healthy way? Listen to episode 51 of the Midlife Momma Podcast, 4 Healthy Ways to Handle Conflict in Your Marriage.
