“Fixing our eyes on Jesus, the author and perfecter of faith, who for the joy set before Him endured the cross, despising the shame, and has sat down at the right hand of the throne of God.”- Hebrews 12:2

As we move forward with learning to be vulnerable to God, we must talk about how shame affects our relationship with our Creator.  Shame keeps us from connection with God.

My Companion, Shame

I arrive early to high school and hear a commotion in the gym.  I quietly open a side door so as to not draw attention and peer inside.  The gym is filled with excited students, all standing at different tables with the State signs lifted high. It’s Student Council elections and oh, how I wish I was amidst the crowd of students. I’m organized, competent, and friendly, all the qualities necessary for leadership, but no one knows that about me.

Shame won’t allow me to join.  Shame has been my constant companion for many years ever taunting me, crushing my heart, and making me feel small and worthless. She’s like a heavy, itchy coat I need to take off, but she keeps me safe, ever hidden, never exposed. She also hinders my ability to connect or belong. 

Shame speaks loudly and harshly, filling my mind with words of condemnation. “You’re not good enough.”  “If only they knew.”  Shame belittles and lies. But I’m not strong enough to recognize the lies, so I continue to wear the uncomfortable coat.

 Shame shapes every interaction I have with people.  It makes me afraid to try new things for fear of rejection. Oh, how I resent those who are fearless. See, shame tells me I must pretend as I plaster on the smile and the optimistic outlook. Can they see the sadness behind my eyes? Is my brokenness amplified in their brave confidence?  If they knew what was hidden inside, they’d want nothing to do with me. 

Shame tells me I’m flawed, there’s no good in me. I imagine these kids in the gym come from beautiful families, where a peaceful conversation is held around the dinner table.  They don’t go to sleep listening to the alcoholic step-dad arguing with their mom.  If they knew what my home was like, they’d reject me, so instead, I hide. 

Meeting Jesus at age twenty-one changes everything.  I’m told He bore my sin and shame Himself.  He literally took it for me.  Jesus bore my shame on the cross, so I can draw near to God. God sees me as beautiful, cherished, lovely because Jesus stands between me and God. Jesus covers the ugliness my sin and shame. It’s the best news I ever heard.

Brene Brown says, “People who aren’t good with vulnerability are usually really good at shame.”

She goes on to say, “We all have shame. We all have good and bad, dark and light inside of us. But if we don’t come to terms with our shame, our struggles, we start believing that there’s something wrong with us-that we’re bad, flawed, not good enough-even worse we start acting on these beliefs.  If we want to be fully engaged, to be connected, we have to be vulnerable.  In order to be vulnerable, we have to develop resilience to shame.

Definition of Shame

Brown gives this definition of shame: “Shame is the intensely painful feeling or experience of believing that we are flawed and therefore unworthy of love and belonging.”

So you can see, shame plays a major role in our ability to connect with people and to God. Shame is the liar that says you aren’t worthy of God’s love or belonging. 

 We experience shame in many different areas of our lives, and we all experience it. It can result from our own choices or abuse we’ve experienced from others.  Brown says it also lurks in all the familiar places in our lives like appearance, body image, money and work, family, parenting, sex, addiction, religion, aging, trauma, mental and physical health, and labels.

So how do we become shame resilient?  We recognize shame is a universal struggle. We all experience shame, but we also need to recognize Jesus has overcome it for us.  He took our place.  Part of understanding our identity in Christ is to understand His death on the cross covers our shame.

 Try these tips when shame tries to keep you from connecting with God.

• Learn to be self-aware and understand the things that trigger feelings of shame.

• Replace these lies with the truth of how God sees you.

• Understand our goodness comes from what Jesus has done for us.  We can’t earn His love or behave our way to it.  We already have God’s complete approval, therefore it is safe to draw near to God.

• Practice sitting with God and soaking in His love for you.  By faith, we receive God’s love and acceptance. We choose to renew our minds with the truth from God’s Word about who He says we are and who He says He is.  We are forgiven, redeemed, loved, accepted, chosen, secure, and significant. 

Know that you’re not alone as you wrestle with shame.  We have a most compassionate God who wants to heal all the wounds of shame.  He wants you to come boldly to Him because it’s safe.  As shame loses its grip, you’ll feel safer to be vulnerable with God. 

Let’s pray.

Dear Papa, Shame has made me want to hide from You.  Help me not listen to its voice anymore.  Help me understand because of Christ’s work on the cross, my shame is covered and I can safely approach You.  Thank You for Your compassion towards me as I learn to be vulnerable with You. Amen.

Still, struggling?

Maybe this will help.

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