4 Ways to Listen Effectively

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4 Ways to Listen Effectively


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“Watch your tongue and keep your mouth shut, and you will stay out of trouble.” - Proverbs 21:23

Distracted

Tension hung in the air as Jackie and her daughter, Melissa fidgeted uncomfortably in the coffee shop booth. Melissa wanted to talk to her mom about her boyfriend, Ben. Melissa squared her shoulders and took a deep breath, fearing what her mom’s reply might be. “Mom, why don’t you like him? You’re not even trying!” she said in disgust. Jackie’s phone buzzed. She reached for it to answer the text. “Just a minute, it’s your dad. He needs to know what time we have to be at the baseball game for you brother,” said Jackie. Melissa rolled her eyes in disgust. “Here we go again, I can’t even have a conversation with her,” thought Melissa as she slumped down in the booth.

“That brother of yours. He’s doing so well on the team this year. When are you going to go to one of his games? He’s amazing! You’re just always hanging out with that boyfriend. You don’t even care about your family anymore, do you?” said Jackie.

Indignant, Melissa insisted, “Mom, back to our conversation about Ben.” Jackie rolled her eyes and said, “Oh, what is there to say about Ben that you haven’t already said?” Jackie interrupted, “You think he’s wonderful, and I just think you could do better.” Defeated and feeling unheard, Melissa sinks into the booth and returns to sipping her latte. “When will she ever listen to me?” Melissa wondered.

Poor Communication

I’ve been this mom, utterly distracted by my phone and made assumptions about what my child was going to say. I wasn’t listening at all. I was rude, unfocused, and insensitive. I’m not proud of myself for it.

The cornerstone of effective communication is the art of listening. We could avoid missteps and misunderstandings if we listened well to our adult children. It’s a complex skill to learn but when we do, it results in deeper understanding and connection with our grown children. Ultimately, we both want to feel heard in any conversation.

We need to remove the attitude that the parent knows all and that the child must receive and adhere to the parents wishes. This is a difficult transition to navigate for most parents who are used to leading this relationship. When we shift to seeing each other as listening equals, this ushers in better conversations.

God cares deeply about this topic and addresses the power of listening many times in His Word. We are admonished to control our tongues by keeping our mouths shut. Less talking and more listening results in understanding and healthier relationships.

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How You Can Agree To Disagree

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How You Can Agree To Disagree

“Do all that you can to live in peace with everyone.”-Romans 12:18

The Hard Conversation

Elizabeth wanted to have a conversation with her daughter, but fear welled up inside. Dread accompanied insecurity as she braced herself for this difficult conversation. She knew where her daughter, Lisa stood on the overturning of Roe vs Wade. She’d seen her daughter’s post go viral a few days earlier. Her momma heart was shattered as waves of despair and hopelessness crashed through her thoughts. Sleepless nights gave way to teary days as questions loomed: “Where did I go wrong? I’m such a failure! How did my child come to this conclusion? This isn’t how I raised her! When did this happen and what do I do? What should I say? I don’t want to argue.”

Elizabeth did what a hurting mom does, she brought her pain to God in prayer. She poured out her heartache and once again laid her grown child at His feet. Surrender and trust were her battle weapons. As in times before, the Spirit whispered. “I’ve got her. I’m not done yet. Trust Me.” Peace was ushered in as Elizabeth offered thanks to God.

When Lisa returned from work, Elizabeth grabbed a couple mugs of tea, and they plopped down on the couch. Elizabeth flung a silent prayer to heaven and bravely said, “Lisa, you seem really passionate about the overturning of Roe vs Wade. Would you like to tell me about it?” Elizabeth settled in with a warm smile and a heart tuned to listen well.

Civil Conversation

There are times when you and your adult child will not agree on certain social issues, faith ideas, or moral decisions. This can cause moms to turn to despair and self-loathing as we focus on ourselves and wonder where we went wrong with this child. Our self-centeredness often hurts our child, because it makes them feel less than, that they’re somehow flawed for believing differently than we do.

Disagreements can be a breeding ground for resentment and bitterness to grow in our relationship, resulting in a rift. During the conversation, you’ll want to add your “two cents!” You’ll want to roll your eyes! You’ll wonder how they ever landed on this opinion. It takes an extra measure of self-control, not to blurt out, “Are you crazy?” Deep down you know doing any of these will hurt your grownup child. So what’s a mom to do? What if there was a way to maintain our bond of love even when we disagree? What if we could agree to disagree?

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Lessons On Love From A Father

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Lessons On Love From A Father

“Filled with love and compassion, he ran to his son, embraced him, and kissed him.”-Luke 15:20

An Invitation to Love

Angela struggled as she watched her daughter, Jessica, walk away from the faith of her youth. Maybe it’s not so much that she walked away, as she added fresh perspectives on faith. Away from family, she was free to hear new ideas on religion, culture, and belief systems. A secular world view was presented in the college classrooms. Belief in God was scoffed at by her professors. Jessica loved God, but doubts clouded her decisions. The familiar voice of the Tempter rang in her ears, “Did God really say that?”

College life offered freedom from the restrictions and rules of her youth. Independence and free thinking wooed her away from God.

These changes alarmed Angela, but she pressed in and focused on God. One day as she sat with her Maker, in prayer, He gave her a profound revelation. She thought, “just because my daughter is making different choices, does not permit us from being close. I’m still free to love her deeply, and give the rest to God. Only the Holy Spirit can convict, convince, or teach her. My role, in that sense, is over. It is not my job anymore, now that she is an adult. My most significant job is to love her well.”

This fresh understanding buoyed Angela. It took away the feelings of shame and regret, like she had somehow parented her daughter wrong. Shame no longer plagued her, and she was free to maintain a close bond with her daughter. Worry was replaced with peace, and Angela surrendered her daughter to God, trusting His activity in Jessica’s life. All pressure was removed and devotion flowed easily,

Midlife momma, we might experience this with our adult children. They will walk away from their faith, and we will need to figure out what to do. Will we be embittered and judgmental, a Pharisee of sorts, pointing out all their wrongs? Will we lead with love? Will we allow them to wrestle with their faith without fearing they come to a different conclusion than we had hoped?

How we treat this child will likely change the trajectory of their life.

Let’s take our cues from a well known story in Luke about a father and a son. Most commentators focus on the son’s behavior, but today I want to lean in and watch what the father does. The story goes like this:

The son grew weary of being home, so he asked his father for his inheritance. The father gave it, and the son went off to live life with no restraint. He did what he wanted. He was careless and reckless. He squandered his inheritance leaving himself poor and destitute, begging for food. He remembered his father and returned home.

“So he returned home to his father. And while he was still a long way off, his father saw him coming. Filled with love and compassion, he ran to his son, embraced him, and kissed him. His son said to him, ‘Father, I have sinned against both heaven and you, and I am no longer worthy of being called your son. But his father said to the servants, ‘Quick! Bring the finest robe in the house and put it on him. Get a ring for his finger and sandals for his feet. And kill the calf we have been fattening. We must celebrate with a feast, for this son of mine was dead and has now returned to life. He was lost, but now he is found.’ So the party began. Luke 15:20-24

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What To Do When An Apology Is Rejected

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What To Do When An Apology Is Rejected

Then Jesus said, “Come to me, all of you who are weary and carry heavy burdens, and I will give you rest.”- Matthew 11:28 NLT

Restless

Sarah crawls to her chair, defeated before she tries to connect with God. Her nights are filled with memories of conversations she’s had with her distant child. She hasn’t slept well for months.

They used to be so close. “What happened?” she wonders. She rehearses each conversation in her mind, doubting every word she speaks. “Should I have said this? Did I do it wrong, God? I was trying to do the right thing, but now I’m all alone.”

Hot tears stain her Bible as she continually rehearses the hurt. These thoughts run through her mind constantly, stealing her peace. She’s prayed, begged God and apologized so many times, yet her grown child remains aloof and unphased by her kind gesture.

Sarah strains to find the good in God’s Word. Hopelessness consumes her as she wades through her days in a continuous fog of pain, self-loathing, shame and doubt.

What’s a mom to do when a child won’t receive her apology? Where does she turn? How does she find peace and hope again after she’s been battered by one she’s loved deeply?

Complex Topic

This topic of apologizing is complex and difficult to navigate. Please know my heart is not to bring condemnation nor provide simple answers. Let’s wade through this topic together, extending grace as we go.

There are two camps when it comes to apologizing:

-The Prideful: They bristle and won’t budge and would never apologize to their grown children. I’ve seen it in families, and it’s caused irreparable harm in their relationship. There is distance and harshness all around.

-The Hopeless: They have apologized profusely and are left in a pile of brokenness, wishing they could change their relationship, but their child refuses their love and kindness. This is the most heartbreaking of all.

Most of us probably fall somewhere in the middle on our ability to apologize and see progress in our relationship with our adult kids. So let’s address the hopeless today because my heart breaks for these moms.

There is no greater pain than when you’ve humbled yourself before someone to apologize and they don’t accept your words. What are we to do with our bleeding heart? What does this mean for our relationship with our adult child?

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What A Boundary Is And Why You Need It

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What A Boundary Is And Why You Need It

“Guard your heart above all else, for it determines the course of your life.”-Proverbs 4:23

Establish the Boundary

Deborah gathers her bag ready to head out for the day and sees her coworker, Julie coming toward her desk. Normally this would instill some anxiety in Deborah because Julie’s usual pattern is to not pull her weight on a project, then at the last minute she expects Deborah to finish it for her.

Julie smiles coyly and says, “Hey, Deborah, can you finish this part of our presentation? I don’t have time to get to it, and you’re so good with words. You do it so well every time.”

Deborah recognizes the tension rising in her stomach because as a people-pleaser she’s aware of her usual response. Normally she’d cave and not want to disappoint Julie. However, Deborah is weary and wants to learn new skills to let go of being a pleaser.

So this time she takes a deep breath and confronts Julie with a confident, “No, that won’t work for me, Julie. I’ll see you tomorrow.” Deborah grabs her bag and walks confidently out of the office. Butterflies swirl in her tummy, but she feels a sense of accomplishment for establishing a boundary with Julie.

Most people-pleasers have few boundaries, and this is what contributes to their weariness.


What is a boundary and why do I need it?

In the natural, we see boundaries as fences, walls, manicured lawns, and signs. A boundary communicates this is where my property begins. In the spiritual world, boundaries are just as real, but it’s hard for us to see them.

Dr. Henry Cloud describes boundaries like this:

Boundaries define us. They define what is me and what is not me. A boundary shows me where I end and someone else begins, leading me to a sense of ownership.

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