How to Support Your Struggling Adult Child
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“The name of the Lord is a fortified tower; the righteous run to it and are safe.”- Proverbs 18:10
Amy’s Struggle
Julie felt the weight of her grown daughter’s struggles. Tension pressed across her forehead as she rehashed yesterday's conversation with Amy. Amy had landed a job shortly after college, but then sunk into a depression after her long term boyfriend called it quits. Heartbroken and sad, Amy checked out. She no longer cared for herself, and called in “sick” to work, often.
As a way to support her daughter, Julie agreed to a nightly check in phone call. At first Julie felt relieved to hear from her daughter, but as time progressed, so did Amy’s complaining. Amy was spiraling into bitterness and hopelessness.
Julie woke one morning after another fitful night of sleep and prayed, “God, I cannot do this anymore. Amy is exhausting me. Please give me wisdom to support Amy without taking on her emotional load. Give me courage to set some boundaries with Amy because I’m losing myself in the pain. Amen.”
How About You?
Have you ever faced sleepless nights and days of worried thoughts because your grown child isn’t thriving?
Let’s face it, watching our adult children struggle is gut-wrenching for moms. We ache with a longing to not see them in pain. Oh, that we could take their place. And yet, we’ve lived long enough to understand this world is filled with heartache. We can’t shield our kids from it.
We will all face this battle with our child, one way or another, because to be human, is to struggle.
Whether our children suffer from depression, anxiety, college drop-out, painful breakups, marital strife, infertility or miscarriage, or financial distress, it leaves moms feeling overwhelmed and hopeless. We want to rush in and make everything better, but we can’t.
Psychologist, Dr. Jeffery Berstein explains the tension well: “Parents' desire to provide support and guidance clashes with the realization that their adult children must navigate their paths, making it difficult for parents to strike a balance between offering assistance and allowing independence.”
How can a mom manage the balancing act of offering assistance and allowing independence? This is the tension a mom must walk and be aware of so she doesn’t resort to enabling or codependency.
Support Your Child Like This:
1. Listen with Boundaries:
All most adult children want is someone to listen to them with empathy and compassion. They want to feel seen and heard. Your listening ear is a gift of encouragement and grace.
If and when your listening turns into something more, you need to set a boundary so you don’t become overwhelmed. For example, if listening causes you to become emotionally distraught or makes them not be proactive in their situation, then you need to set a boundary.
It looks like this: You say, “I’d love to listen but we need to keep our phone call to 15 minutes long. At the end of our conversation I will ask you to come up with one thing you can do to be proactive.”
This communicates to your adult child that you care and you want to assist them, but you won’t be a dumping ground for their negativity or lack of problem solving.
2. Support without fixing.
After you’ve listened empathetically, instead of rushing in to fix your hurting child, find ways to support them.This is the time where you need to lend your child some of your confidence. Use phrases like:
“I know that is hard right now, but you will come through this because you’re resilient.”
“I believe in you.”
“There are beautiful lessons for you and one day you will see them.”
“You can do hard things.”
Remember, if you “fix” everything for your adult child, you forfeit their opportunity to learn, grow, and mature. You are causing more harm than good.
3. Accept your child’s journey
Sometimes, when you're overwhelmed with your child’s life, you forget that God is writing HER/HIS story. This isn’t your journey. This is your child’s walk with God. Because our God is benevolent and good, you need to accept what He allows in your child's life.
God is the author and perfecter of your child’s faith, so you’ll have more peace when you understand God is indeed at work in your child’s life. God promises to work all the hard things for good. That’s who He is. That’s what He does. Not one tear is wasted. God allows trials so our children will know He is their Rescuer.
You can assist your child best by pointing him back to the truth from God’s Word. If your child isn’t ready to receive that, then you simply pray.
4. Cling to your God.
When you become overwhelmed with your child’s cares, you need to move closer to God. You will find immense comfort when you understand God is always at work and all He wants you to do is draw near to Him.
Let Him be your strong tower of safety and your refuge of peace as you step alongside your child in his distress. “The name of the Lord is a fortified tower; the righteous run to it and are safe.” - Proverbs 18:10 This proverb invites you to call on the name of the Lord because you know there is great power in God’s name.
When you run to your Mighty King, you will be safe. Your child’s cares will fade in the face of God’s greatness. Not only is your child held by God, but so are you. This is the comfort you crave.
It’s hard to watch our grown children struggle. We wish it didn’t have to be this way. We will get through the heartache well when we discern the fine balance between assisting and allowing our children to figure some things out on their own. Remember, God holds us always.
Let’s pray.
Dear Papa, Give me discernment on how I can best support my hurting child. I don’t want to enable them or rescue them. I just want to support them in the best way possible so they can succeed and I don’t become overwhelmed with their problems. Amen.
Still struggling?
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