Saying "No" and Why It's Liberating in Midlife

I Couldn’t Say “No” to Hair Dye

I tilted my head forward to get a better view of my hair’s part-line.The new salt and pepper growth was a stark contrast to the chestnut brown dyed hair. “Ugh, I can’t do this!” I murmured. Who was I kidding? I’d been chasing that demarcation line for 15 years, shackled to that box of hair dye. Today, I said, “No more!”  I scheduled an appointment with my hairstylist. 

I’d been dreaming about having mid-length silver hair since I was 35 years old. I couldn’t wait to embrace my salt and pepper phase. I was going to be one of those amazing silver foxes, confident, not ashamed to reveal her true self. I even saved a photo on my phone for a decade. Unfortunately, I wasn’t brave enough to do it. 

The years went by and I didn’t have the courage to abandon the dye. I still had kids in school; I needed to wait. “It’s too soon,” I thought, until one day, it wasn’t!  At age 51, I was ready! Those first three months, I fixated over my new hair growth. I felt judged by other women with their shaming glances, as they noticed my broadening demarcation line.

At six months in, some people noticed and said, “Oh, you’re letting your natural color come in. It’s beautiful.” Each month, my confidence grew. Turns out the whole world wasn’t as fixated on my changing hair as I was. I grew out my gray for another six months, then chopped it off to a chin length bob and my journey was complete. Easy, peasy.

Isn’t it sad I didn’t say “no” to hair coloring sooner? I wasted all those years feeling pressured to look young.

Why We Can’t Say “No”

How about you? Have you ever wished you could say “no” to something but you didn’t have the guts to do it?

Most women have a hard time saying “no.” We’re conditioned by our people-pleasing tendencies. We don’t want to impose on anyone, all the while we become a little more resentful because we end up doing things we really don’t want to do. 

Girlfriends, I’ve got good news for you because midlife is the season to get comfortable saying “No.”  In fact, I propose we’ll get so good at it and feel incredibly liberated. We’re learning to say “no” not because we’re selfish. No way! It’s because we finally have the courage to express what we need and want. 

This is growth; this is healthy. 

We gain freedom when we set boundaries with others and within ourselves. Imagine operating in a world where we clearly express, in a kind, gentle way that ______ no longer works for us. We don’t have to be rude. We simply understand our limits and there’s no freedom like that realization.

If we don’t want to wear those underwire bras anymore, then we don’t. I just ditched all mine! For heaven's sake it’s 2024, and there are many comfortable and supportive options. We’re done with those painful high heels! Good for us!  We let them go, if we don’t feel fabulous wearing them. A wedge is just as lovely, but oh, so comfy. 

How about those internal “no’s? Ready to say “No” to endless worry and pressure? How about we stop criticizing ourselves when we’re learning something new? Imagine saying “no” to that negative self-talk and instead embracing a gentler tone?

Let’s get started! Here are four areas to practice liberation:

1. No to self-criticism:

Do you pay attention to your inner critic? She’s the angry voice that continually berates you for every little thing. She judges you harshly, beats you with her bossy attitude, and continually makes you feel less than. Midlife is when you can tell her to sit down and shut up! Who’s the bossy one now?

Business owner, Alli Worthington, said this on her recent podcast, “We use language and phrases about ourselves that would be completely unacceptable for us to say to anyone else. Starting today and for the entire next week, decide that you will talk to and about yourself the same way you would talk to and about your dearest friend.”

Isn’t that the best advice? It’s time to be gracious and kind to yourself.

2. No to societal standards of youth:

If I see one more anti-aging campaign, I’m going to barf! We get to stop bowing at the fountain of youth. Literally, we’ve made an idol out of being young. 

When you say “no” to chasing youth, you can embrace where you are. You accept your shapely curves. You don’t cringe at the wrinkles forming near your eyes. You can be healthy, move your body, and fuel it well, but also enjoy a little cheesecake when you feel like it.

Aging is a gift that not everyone receives. 

With age comes wisdom, through hard fought battles. You have experience and skills that can be shared with others. 

3. No to others expectations:

Uff, this is a big one for my fellow people-pleasers. You’ve never been able to say, “No” because you were afraid to assert yourself. You put others needs before your own and all you ended up with was a bucket  full of resentment that made you pull away from family and friends. 

Instead, allow yourself to set limits. This is what a boundary is. It’s simply setting a cap around what you’re willing to do or accept. It’s neither unkind or hurtful. Instead, it’s a great way to preserve energy for the things you love to do.(Remember, if you feel resentful, it’s likely because you didn’t set a healthy limit.) 

Imagine time with your grown kids or husband. You have permission to do the things you really want to do in this season of your life, but it all starts with saying “no” to some good things so you can say “yes" to the best things.

4. No to thinking your behind:

In God’s economy, there is no such thing as “behind.” Everything God does is done in a timely fashion and the same goes for your life. It’s not too late, and you're not too old for the gifts and assignments God has for you. Those are simply your limiting beliefs bossing you around again.

So instead, start telling yourself, “I’m exactly where I’m supposed to be because God cares about time. He has good things for me, and I haven’t missed a thing.” When you get comfortable with God’s timing, it takes the pressure off to be in a certain place. When God deems it “go time” there’s no stopping His good plans for you.

Midlife mommas, welcome to the season of liberation. This time is when we get comfortable saying “no” to self-criticism, societal standards of youth, others expectations, and thinking we’re  behind. Instead, we truly understand freedom, by saying “no” to items that no longer serve us well. Let’s embrace our midlife years. God’s got much good ahead.

Let’s pray.

Dear Papa, thank you for this season of my life where I can learn to say, “no” and not feel so bad about it. Fill me with courage to set limits with others and within myself. Give me self-compassion so I don’t talk to myself so harshly. Give me courage to walk out your best “yes” for this season of my life. Amen.

Still struggling? 

Grab my free guide, Your Kids Are Grown….Now What? It’s a four page guide to help you understand the three different phases of midlife motherhood. You’ll move from the Empty-Feeling mom, the Questioning Mom, and the Celebratory mom. The guide will help you see what to expect next. 

Just leave your name and email so I know where to send it.