"Let your speech always be gracious, seasoned with salt, so that you may know how you ought to answer each person"- Colossians 4:6

Careless Words

Bridgett busied herself in the kitchen as her son, Ian, was home from his senior year in college. He plopped down on the kitchen stool, heavy-hearted and stressed. Bridgett barely noticed her son’s downtrodden appearance. “School sucks, and I don’t think I can finish,” Ian said. 

“Oh, come on, you’ll be fine; it’s just finals stress. Everyone has it; you’ll get through it like I did 25 years ago. Buck up, Buddy, you’ll be fine,” Bridgett commented as she prepped the chicken for dinner.  Ian slouched on the stool, grabbed his backpack and coat, then slinked off to his bedroom. On his way up the stairs, Ian whispered, “Thanks a lot, Mom. Thanks for always making it about you.” 

“Sheesh,” Bridgett thought “That kid is such a baby. When will he ever grow up?”

As moms, we love our adult children deeply, and we want to stay connected with them. But sometimes, the words we say—often with good intentions—can create distance instead of drawing us closer. 

Without even realizing it, we might make them feel guilty, criticized, or like they’ll never quite measure up. If we want to have strong, healthy relationships with our adult kids, we must be mindful of what we say (and how we say it!). 

Here are ten phrases to avoid:

• You could call me sometime, ya know!

• Did you go to church this week?

• You should…!

• I thought you would have…!

• I just know how you are.

• Why can’t you put your phone down?

• You can’t move away from me!

• When are you going to get a real job?

• How much did you spend on that?

• I can’t drive that far to see you.

When we realize these phrases sting, we can change how we talk to our grown kids.

Scripture admonishes us to behave: "Let your speech always be gracious, seasoned with salt, so that you may know how you ought to answer each person" (Colossians 4:6). We are charged to be gracious and wise, not overbearing or bossy. There is a fine line that we need to be mindful of.

I don’t want you to walk on eggshells with your adult kids, but there are things you can do to speak life. To keep the conversation open and the connection strong.

1. Acceptance of the shift in your relationship:

Your ability to accept that you are separate from your grown child will help you understand that your adult child is responsible for themselves. They don’t want you to tell them what to do. When you do, it drives a wedge between them and causes them to distance themselves from you.

They are responsible for their choices. You are not. When you accept this shift, you can experience more peace and create a little distance. You no longer need to hover or be overly involved with your grown child’s affairs. Let them lead themselves while you accept that you aren't responsible for them like you were when they were young.

2. Be mindful of how you speak.

Self-awareness is critical. It’s the only way to understand how the way you speak is impacting your adult child. Often, we repeat patterns from our parents. Perhaps they spoke harshly to you, and you’re simply repeating what you’ve learned. 

In His goodness, God allows us to change the next generation. You can be the one who speaks life over her child. You can break the pattern and heal yourself, but you must first notice how you talk. Self-awareness and self-compassion lead you to incredible growth and healing. 

3. Lead with humility.

   Sometimes, you can be critical of your adult child, which hurts them. Instead, you can adopt an attitude of humility. It’s beneficial to apologize to your grown child if your words have hurt them. Humility doesn’t mean you are weak or timid, it simply means you understand if you’ve overstepped or contributed in any way to the breakdown in your connection. 

Saying I’m sorry builds connection, and then you can take it to the next level when you say, “What do you need most from me?” Then, make sure you listen without judgment. Listen to understand, then provide what your child needs. It will take a while to rebuild trust, but you will progress with God on your side and your tender heart.

4. Empathize, then encourage

In this season of life, you can extend deep support and encouragement. When your child is frustrated or negative, be an empathetic listener by not dismissing their malaise. But once you’ve empathized, lend them your belief. Point out the good you see in them. Be their greatest cheerleader if they can receive it. 

 If melancholy is present, then simply be a listening ear. Often, your child doesn’t need solutions; they just look for you to see them in their pain. This might be the most complex way to be present with your child, but it speaks volumes to their hurting heart.

Building a strong, lasting relationship with your adult child requires intentionality, humility, and grace. By shifting your mindset, choosing words that build rather than break, and leading with empathy, you create an environment where connection can flourish. 

While repairing past misunderstandings or hurts may take time, your willingness to grow and adjust will speak volumes. With God’s guidance and a heart open to change, you can nurture a relationship that blesses you and your child for years.

Let’s pray.

Dear God, help me speak to my adult child in a way that feels supportive and loving instead of critical, problem-solving, and not listening well. I want to accept our relationship has shifted. Could you help me be gentle and empathize well? Amen.

Still struggling?

What did I say? Grab my free guide: 10 Things Not to Say to Your Adult Child(and 5 Ways to Stop Yourself From Saying Them), A starter list of things moms say that frustrate their adult children. Identify the statements that trip you up and learn strategies for more harmony and connection in your relationship with your grown children.

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