Want to Be a Great Mother-In-Law? Stop Doing These 8 Things

Do you have a vision for the kind of mother-in-law you want to be?

 It’s common to see mother-in-laws portrayed as controlling, easily offended, and judgmental. What a heartbreaking perspective. It doesn’t have to be that way.

As a Christian mother-in-law, your role is to be a loving, supportive presence, not a source of tension or control. This requires intentionality and grace towards yourself as you learn this new role.

Here are some key things NOT to do if you want to build a strong, God-honoring relationship with your child’s spouse:

1. Don’t Compete for Your Child’s Loyalty

You are not in competition with your child’s spouse. Once your child is married, their spouse becomes their priority. You are willing to step aside as your child clings to their mate. This is God’s good plan for marriage as laid out in Genesis 2:24, “Leave his father and mother and cling to his wife, and they will become one flesh.”

You get to take the high road and not place any guilt trip on your child for choosing their mate. Accepting this lesser position in your child’s life allows your child and his spouse to thrive. Your role is to support, encourage, and point your child back to their spouse.

2. Don’t Criticize or Judge Their Spouse

Negative comments damage trust and put your child in a difficult situation. Your child is aligned with their spouse, and your words have a lasting impact. When you criticize your daughter or son-in-law it makes your child feel conflicted. Your child wants to please you, but now they are aligned with their mate. Your harsh words hurt profoundly and leave your child trapped between two people he loves dearly.

If you have concerns, pray instead of lashing out at your child’s mate. Instead of being judgmental, go low in humility and understand that God is still working on all of us. As you pray, let God make you more tender toward your child’s spouse.

3. Don’t Offer Unsolicited Advice

Resist to correct, advise, or fix your child’s spouse concerning parenting, finances, or relationships. When you offer unsolicited advice, it puts your child’s mate on edge. It feels ungracious and critical. It makes them feel “less than” in your eyes.

 Instead, wait to be asked and offer advice graciously—your attitude and tone matter. Don’t do anything that will belittle or hurt your son or daughter-in-law's feelings. When you give advice, offer it as one option. Make an effort to keep things light and encouraging instead of harsh.

4. Don’t Overstep Boundaries

 Avoid showing up unannounced or assuming you’re always invited. When you assume something, usually someone gets hurt. Instead, practice open communication and understand the limits your married kids have set. They’re not trying to hurt you but to establish themselves as a couple.

Respect their decisions, even if they differ from your liking. This might be the most challenging aspect because you’ve parented your child with your preferences for decades. Now that your child is married, they have their preferences; the sooner you accept them, the more peace you’ll have in the relationship.

5. Don’t Play the Victim or Take Things Personally

If they have different traditions or don’t visit as often, don’t assume they don’t love you. This can be a challenging aspect of being a mother-in-law. Your in-laws are not trying to hurt you by doing things differently. You must allow love to rule and reign, no matter what. Assume the best instead of the worst.

Instead, practice grace and recognize their busy season of life. Do the best you can to control your emotions. When you are sad, talk to God about it and then become emotionally mature. Your kids are in a different phase of life than you. Accept that their lives are full, and they're not intentionally trying to hurt you.

6. Don’t Get in the Middle of Their Marriage

If they have conflicts, don’t take sides—point them back to each other. Your job is to point the married child back to their spouse continually. Be a united front that communicates the belief that your children can resolve conflicts. Point them to a Christian counselor, pastor, or mentor who can support them through their struggles.

Avoid being their emotional dumping ground for marital struggles. Honestly, this becomes gossip, and God is not pleased. You have no business knowing the details of your child’s marriage. That’s for them and God alone. Be a positive force who continually points them back to their mate.

7. Don’t Hold on to Offenses

If misunderstandings happen, forgive quickly and communicate with love. You will make mistakes and say the wrong thing, but you must move swiftly to repair any breach so that bitterness doesn’t grow in your relationship with your son or daughter-in-law.

Apologize when needed and keep a soft, humble heart. Let love be a guiding force instead of holding an offense. As you remain unoffendable, you’ll feel lighter and more free to love your child’s spouse just as they are.

8. Don’t Expect Them to Be Just Like Your Family

Embrace their differences rather than trying to change them. Your child’s spouse comes from a different family with different experiences. They’re not wrong; they differ from how your child grew up.  The sooner you accept them for how God made them and how their family raised them, the more comfortable you’ll feel around them.

Welcome them fully and love them as your own. That’s all that’s required. Love them as Christ loves you. Overwhelm them with kindness, grace, and affection. Get to know them. Find out what they’re passionate about, then support them with all your heart.

Being a mother-in-law doesn’t have to be a negative experience because you get to set the tone. By avoiding these pitfalls and choosing love, grace, and respect, you’ll build a beautiful, lasting relationship that honors God and blesses your family for generations. 

Let’s pray.

Dear God, Please help me avoid these common pitfalls that plague mother-in-laws. I don't want to take things personally. Help me love like You love. Help me continually point my children back to their mate as I love their spouse well. Amen.

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