4 Ways to Listen Effectively

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4 Ways to Listen Effectively


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“Watch your tongue and keep your mouth shut, and you will stay out of trouble.” - Proverbs 21:23

Distracted

Tension hung in the air as Jackie and her daughter, Melissa fidgeted uncomfortably in the coffee shop booth. Melissa wanted to talk to her mom about her boyfriend, Ben. Melissa squared her shoulders and took a deep breath, fearing what her mom’s reply might be. “Mom, why don’t you like him? You’re not even trying!” she said in disgust. Jackie’s phone buzzed. She reached for it to answer the text. “Just a minute, it’s your dad. He needs to know what time we have to be at the baseball game for you brother,” said Jackie. Melissa rolled her eyes in disgust. “Here we go again, I can’t even have a conversation with her,” thought Melissa as she slumped down in the booth.

“That brother of yours. He’s doing so well on the team this year. When are you going to go to one of his games? He’s amazing! You’re just always hanging out with that boyfriend. You don’t even care about your family anymore, do you?” said Jackie.

Indignant, Melissa insisted, “Mom, back to our conversation about Ben.” Jackie rolled her eyes and said, “Oh, what is there to say about Ben that you haven’t already said?” Jackie interrupted, “You think he’s wonderful, and I just think you could do better.” Defeated and feeling unheard, Melissa sinks into the booth and returns to sipping her latte. “When will she ever listen to me?” Melissa wondered.

Poor Communication

I’ve been this mom, utterly distracted by my phone and made assumptions about what my child was going to say. I wasn’t listening at all. I was rude, unfocused, and insensitive. I’m not proud of myself for it.

The cornerstone of effective communication is the art of listening. We could avoid missteps and misunderstandings if we listened well to our adult children. It’s a complex skill to learn but when we do, it results in deeper understanding and connection with our grown children. Ultimately, we both want to feel heard in any conversation.

We need to remove the attitude that the parent knows all and that the child must receive and adhere to the parents wishes. This is a difficult transition to navigate for most parents who are used to leading this relationship. When we shift to seeing each other as listening equals, this ushers in better conversations.

God cares deeply about this topic and addresses the power of listening many times in His Word. We are admonished to control our tongues by keeping our mouths shut. Less talking and more listening results in understanding and healthier relationships.

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How You Can Agree To Disagree

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How You Can Agree To Disagree

“Do all that you can to live in peace with everyone.”-Romans 12:18

The Hard Conversation

Elizabeth wanted to have a conversation with her daughter, but fear welled up inside. Dread accompanied insecurity as she braced herself for this difficult conversation. She knew where her daughter, Lisa stood on the overturning of Roe vs Wade. She’d seen her daughter’s post go viral a few days earlier. Her momma heart was shattered as waves of despair and hopelessness crashed through her thoughts. Sleepless nights gave way to teary days as questions loomed: “Where did I go wrong? I’m such a failure! How did my child come to this conclusion? This isn’t how I raised her! When did this happen and what do I do? What should I say? I don’t want to argue.”

Elizabeth did what a hurting mom does, she brought her pain to God in prayer. She poured out her heartache and once again laid her grown child at His feet. Surrender and trust were her battle weapons. As in times before, the Spirit whispered. “I’ve got her. I’m not done yet. Trust Me.” Peace was ushered in as Elizabeth offered thanks to God.

When Lisa returned from work, Elizabeth grabbed a couple mugs of tea, and they plopped down on the couch. Elizabeth flung a silent prayer to heaven and bravely said, “Lisa, you seem really passionate about the overturning of Roe vs Wade. Would you like to tell me about it?” Elizabeth settled in with a warm smile and a heart tuned to listen well.

Civil Conversation

There are times when you and your adult child will not agree on certain social issues, faith ideas, or moral decisions. This can cause moms to turn to despair and self-loathing as we focus on ourselves and wonder where we went wrong with this child. Our self-centeredness often hurts our child, because it makes them feel less than, that they’re somehow flawed for believing differently than we do.

Disagreements can be a breeding ground for resentment and bitterness to grow in our relationship, resulting in a rift. During the conversation, you’ll want to add your “two cents!” You’ll want to roll your eyes! You’ll wonder how they ever landed on this opinion. It takes an extra measure of self-control, not to blurt out, “Are you crazy?” Deep down you know doing any of these will hurt your grownup child. So what’s a mom to do? What if there was a way to maintain our bond of love even when we disagree? What if we could agree to disagree?

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How Moms Conquer College Drop Off

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How Moms Conquer College Drop Off

“I knew you before I formed you in your mother’s womb. Before you were born I set you apart and appointed you as my prophet to the nations.” Jeremiah 1:5 NLT

My Quiet House

My usual bustling house was eerily quiet. Four of our kids were out of the nest, with one left to finish three more years of high school. I looked forward to time with the baby, but she was pretty busy with school activities and work. I’d hug her in between events, but she was independent. I admired her strength. A heaviness hung over me as my mind flashed through my usual routine.

Motherhood is all I knew. I spent nearly three decades focused on my five kids. There were endless appointments, sporting events, musical concerts, homework, sibling rivalry, laundry, grocery shopping, counseling, training, loving, laughter, and tears. My days jumbled together in a monotonous repeat of tasks, but I saw motherhood as a high calling and a gift.

We dropped the fourth child at college recently and questions tumbled through my thoughts:

Who am I apart from being a mom?

What do I want to do with this life now that my kids are grown?

What dreams had I set aside to raise them?

My children were my focus and now they are gone. My active mothering would end. How could I conquer this phase of motherhood, the one that was more hands off, less child focused?

We will all face this chasm. This shift between what we always did, and the future apart from our grown kids. We have dropped a child at college and life looks different. It doesn’t matter if it’s our first or our last; everything changes.

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4 Things A Mom Needs To Know Before College Drop Off

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4 Things A Mom Needs To Know Before College Drop Off

“Trust in the Lord and do good.Then you will live safely in the land and prosper.” Psalm 37:3 NLT

Move In Day

The August sun beat down as we unloaded our overpacked cars and schlepped items up to the third floor of her dorm. We passed sweaty students, as eager parents made sense of the small spaces. Our youngest daughter, Keziah was bright with excitement as we unpacked boxes and got her closet arranged just right. Her dad lugged the refrigerator up three flights and lofted the bed. We were thankful for a breeze through her window.

We gobbled some Chick Fil-A, made a Target run, then one last sweep of her room. She plopped down on her cute futon under the lofted bed with the matching comforter and fluffy throw pillows. She looked content in her space, with little plants speckled about the room. She seemed ready. This was our cue to head home.

Why did she seem so assured and confident? This one was fiercely independent. All I could think of was I wouldn’t see her sweet face every day. A lump formed in my throat as we said our goodbyes. Soft tears rolled down our cheeks. I think she cried for us more than herself. We knew this young woman would prosper in every way.

The three hour ride home was quiet for my hubby and I. All I could think about was how fast those eighteen years with her went. After 30 years of parenting our five kids, the nest was empty. Though I have made this transition five times, it never got easier for me.

Transition

When we drop our child at college, it is one of the biggest transitions we will make as a mom.

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4 Things To Do If You're Serious About Respect

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4 Things To Do If You're Serious About Respect

“So whatever you wish that others would do to you, do also to them, for this is the Law and the Prophets.”-Matthew 7:12

As Children Change

As my grown children left home and ventured into the big world, some of them came back with new ideas or fresh insights that were contrary to how they were raised. Initially I viewed these differences as a reflection of me, and I felt like a failure as their mother.

I thought, “This isn’t how I raised you. How can you possibly think that way about these issues?” I wanted to fight back with all the reasons they were wrong, but I knew that wouldn’t get us anywhere. I needed to shift and think less about myself and realize they were autonomous humans who were free to think whatever they wanted about society.

This is a season of great change for both mom and her adult child. Our children will test theories and wrestle with what they believe about themselves, society, and God. Growth is required for both of us and respect is the channel which fuels positive change.

The Need To Respect

I needed to extend respect through the way we communicated. But not the insincere “grin and bear it” sort. I desired to truly honor them as humans. As a follower of Christ, honor is due even when we disagree.

I concentrated on my connection with God. He became my source of comfort as I poured out my woes. My calmness, genuine respect, and gentle words ruled our interactions. I wasn’t required to agree with my grown child; I was simply asked to respect them each time we talked.

This was not easy at first! Where there was once frustration and a simmering inside, I’ve learned to talk peacefully. I practice patience and surrender all the emotions to God instead of flinging piercing words at my children. This took years of practice.

We don’t want to behave in a negative way, but sometimes it is painful for us to respect a child who sees the world differently from how we raised them because we think respect means acceptance. I don’t believe these words are synonymous.

Hurtful words flung in an emotional moment cause a rift in our relationships. We realize respect is the better way. When we give respect we usher in grace, peace and God’s presence.

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4 Foolproof Ways To Supercharge Your Growth

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4 Foolproof Ways To Supercharge Your Growth

“Let the wise listen and add to their learning, and let the discerning get guidance—” Proverbs 1:5

Do you feel the tension, momma?

I remember wondering, what do I do now? I felt lost and confused as my child left home. What am I supposed to do with my emerging adult? What does it look like to let go of a child you poured your life into? How do I trust them when they’re on their own? Will they make good choices? Will they be responsible? Will they get hurt? What if they walk away from God?

We are trapped between the need to maintain what we have always done, as a mom, with the knowledge our role will change once our child reaches adulthood. We understood what was required of us when the kids were young. Systems and routines ruled the day as we confidently mothered our brood. Expectations were clear and each family member understood their role.

Now, there’s a shift.

We feel unsteady, unsure of how to move forward. We are required to adapt–to grow and expansion feels uncomfortable. We face one of the greatest transitions in our parenting, when our child becomes an adult.

Where is God in this? How can we rely on Him as we foster independence in our child and do the heart work required to navigate this change? How will we remain steady through this transition?

President of inLight Consulting Inc, Rob Streeter says this about transitions:

“When we go through a difficult transition, we must force our minds to acknowledge that God is a careful and purposeful orchestrator. ‘And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose’ (Romans 8:28). As the sovereign and omniscient Orchestrator, He has worked it all into His plan. I honestly don’t know of a greater encouragement than that.”

God is in the midst of this change. He orchestrates it all and there is no sweeter peace.

Change is inevitable and transitions are a part of life. The big question is: Are you ready to grow, or are you resistant to change? Will you refuse to adapt and create added stress in your relationship with your adult child? Will you partner with God as He helps you through this rocky phase?

I understand you feel nervous and unsure, but when you accept a growth mindset, you will flourish in this season. There is growth for you and your adult child. When you submit to the work, you will come through with a deep dependence on God and a strengthened bond with your grown child.

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Ridiculously Awesome Ways To Communicate Support

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Ridiculously Awesome Ways To Communicate Support

“Do not fear, for I am with you. Do not be afraid, for I am your God. I will give you strength, and for sure I will help you. Yes, I will hold you up with My right hand that is right and good.”

The Struggle

Bob and I sat on our weekly FaceTime call with our oldest daughter, Moriah as tears rolled down her face, as she recounted another distressing interaction with her boss. Her younger boss lacked managerial skills. Moriah was hardworking, competent, but her boss micromanaged her every move. Every creative decision she made was questioned. This left Moriah crushed and disappointed in her circumstance.

Moriah flourished in academia, maintaining her 4.0 GPA and received a fellowship for Graduate School. She was esteemed by professors when she received her Masters In Creative Writing. She spent months searching for creative writing jobs in her metropolitan area. With no experience, companies wouldn’t take a chance on her, so she was forced to get a retail job to pay her bills.

The pandemic and continued frustration with not being in a field she loved, left her heartbroken and disappointed in herself and her dreams for the future.

It wasn’t our job to fix, solve, or carry Moriah’s situation. That was her job. Our role was to support her.

We listened well and encouraged her to be responsible to work so she could pay her bills. It’s no small feat living in a large city by yourself, as the cost of living is outrageous. We pointed out what she was doing well, and reassured her to keep fighting to find something new. And she did.


How To Communicate Support

We will all experience tension as our grown kids navigate hardship. They may experience health issues, occupational distress, financial trouble, heartbreak in romantic relationships, or mental health concerns. How we communicate to our children in this season will have a lasting impact.

Instead of rushing in to rescue, we rely on this truth from God’s Word. “Do not fear, for I am with you. Do not be afraid, for I am your God. I will give you strength, and for sure I will help you. Yes, I will hold you up with My right hand that is right and good.” Isaiah 41:10 In the crushing God is at work, but we must allow our kids to experience this for themselves.

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Confessions Of A Mom Whose Baby Will Graduate Soon

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Confessions Of A Mom Whose Baby Will Graduate Soon

“But those who hope in the Lord will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not be weary, they will walk and not be faint.”- Isaiah 40:31

The End In Sight

I watched Rebekah gracefully cross the stage to accept her certificate, confident and composed, as my mind flashed to her four-year-old-self. I saw her in her purple sequined tutu and her first pair of tap shoes, blissfully on stage at her first dance recital. Her wavy hair was piled on top of her head in a messy bun, with a purple feather hat tipped to the side. She grinned from ear to ear as the music faded up. Her brown eyes sparkled as she danced.

I remembered the challenging middle school years where girls hurled insults, and hurt her tender heart. “Mean Girls” wasn’t just a movie, it was a shocking reality for my young teen. She navigated rejection and learned important lessons about friendship.

High school brought endless leadership opportunities and growth. And here we were at the end, as our calendar was filled with events.The final Choir Concert, Spring Musical, National Honor Society Banquet, Prom, Student Council Banquet, Speech Banquet. She blissfully walked through each event while I thought my heart would break in two. How can a mom experience such joy and sadness in the same moments?

I was on the cusp of releasing another child. This was child number four, and you think it would be easier, but every one cut me to the core. Bittersweet was the best way to describe it. I could see how God had grown my girl, but the thought of her leaving me filled me with sadness.

We will all face these moments as our teen prepares to graduate from high school. How do we navigate this shift? Some moms feel immense grief while others are jubilant and ready to see their baby soar. What can we learn from a mom who has been through this five times?

Here’s my confession:

1) We live in tension of holding on and letting go: It’s normal to vacillate between sadness and joy. One moment we feel our hearts burst with pride, and we will only think of what we are losing. On Monday, we are elated as we dream about what to do with their empty room, and by Wednesday, we weep over the thought of not hearing their voice each morning. Friday leaves us annoyed as our independent teen snaps at our question about her graduation party. We will be happy to not have tension in our home.

We are up.

We are down.

We are all around, as a case of whiplash sets in.

All these emotions are normal. It doesn’t matter if it is child number one or number six. We will experience a vast array of emotions. This is the cost of love. This is a time we extend grace to ourselves, as we simply give ourselves space to process these feelings, with God. When we pour it all out, God comforts us.

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8 Awesome Bible Verses To Study About Communication

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8 Awesome Bible Verses To Study About Communication

“Let your speech always be gracious, seasoned with salt, so that you may know how you ought to answer each person.” -Colossians 4:6

Hard Conversations

Amanda leaned against the kitchen counter, arms crossed, as she faced her young adult daughter, Rachel. Rachel’s eyes were downcast, fearing the conversation. “I know this isn’t going to go well, she thought, “but here we go again.”

“Mom, I just don't want to go to college!” Rachel pleaded. “It’s a stupid waste of money. I don’t even know what I want to do with my life. Why do I have to go? Can’t I just kick back for a year and see what happens?”

Amanda braced herself for the exchange as she felt the tension in her upper back. “Why in the world would you take a year off? That’s just stupid. You think you can just slide into adulthood? It doesn’t work like that. Around here, we do the work. You should definitely register for classes at the university. You’ll be fine.”

The tension hung in the air as Rachel slipped away, defeated and wondered, “When will she ever stop making suggestions and listen to what I have to say?”

Is this type of conversation familiar in your home?

I didn’t mean to give unsolicited advice, yet suggestions quickly rolled off my tongue, and I saw the ache behind my adult child’s eyes when I offered advice.

In an effort to protect our kids, or show them the path ahead could be harmful, we overstep. We talk too much. We say things like, “You should…” or “Why don’t you…” We magnify the situation, resulting in conflict.

We say they are being rebellious or disagreeable, but if we are honest, we are irritated that they will not do what we want. Our adult kids are no longer children and they are not required to obey us (Ephesians 6:1). This is a hard shift for moms to understand.

Gracious Speech

No mom intentionally sets out to frustrate her adult children, but in our carelessness we often cause harm.

Gaining a fresh perspective from God’s Word is what we need. It’s helpful to remember God cares about how we speak.

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Why You Need A New Way Of Thinking To Release Expectations

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Why You Need A New Way Of Thinking To Release Expectations

“Don’t copy the behavior and customs of this world, but let God transform you into a new person by changing the way you think. Then you will learn to know God’s will for you, which is good and pleasing and perfect.” Romans 2:12

Tearful Talk

I plopped down next to my oldest son, Keenan as he rested his achy joints. A battle with arthritis had significantly affected his young body. Often he needed to stretch out because sitting exacerbates his pain. “You all right, Bud?” I asked with warm eyes. “Yes, I’m just stretching.” I pulled a blanket over my legs, as a cool breeze floated through an open window.

“You okay, mom?” he asked as he sensed my melancholy. “Yea, I’m okay, just a little sad that we have to leave again. You know this part is hard for me. When you were little I never imagined our family would be spread across the country like this,” I whispered, as warm tears rolled down my cheeks.

With the wisdom of a first-born he said, “I’m sorry this is hard for you, mom, but maybe it won’t be this way forever. It’s the season in life where the kids are venturing out. We’re learning independence. It’s good for us. Maybe one day we will all live closer.” I blew my nose again and hoped what he said would come true.

I never thought what our family would look like once the kids were grown. Perhaps I was in denial? I never thought about the future beyond their growing up years. I assumed we would all live somewhere in Minnesota, our home state. Yet, here we are, with five grown kids, spread out in Illinois, Minnesota, Missouri, Iowa and soon to be Utah. One child will be nineteen hours away.

I honestly didn’t see that coming. Perhaps you’re like me and wonder how we ended up with so much physical distance between our kids? Maybe you carry a different expectation that didn’t quite go the way you imagined. Are you shocked by it, too?

What do we do with our collective grief? How do we release expectations and come to a beautiful place of acceptance? Where is God in all of this? Does He even care about us?

The Big Book for recovery says this about expectations: “Expectations are premeditated resentments.” Ouch, momma, that one hurts, doesn’t it? We have a choice to make when it comes to our adult kids. We can require them to meet our expectations, thus making them miserable and bound, or we can lean into God’s loving hand and receive the grace to let go and accept the changes.

I cringe a little when I hear mommas say, “My kids will never leave me.” I do not believe we have the right to say such a thing. Our children are not made to meet our expectations. They are called by God to build their own lives.

What can we do to lean into God as we unravel the emotional overwhelm of releasing expectations? How do we actually lay them down? How do we quiet the demands of our selfish hearts?

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Strategies to Consider for Expectations

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Strategies to Consider for Expectations

“Let us then with confidence draw near to the throne of grace, that we may receive mercy and find grace to help in time of need.” Hebrews 4:16

A Realization

She slowly guided the delicate bridal gown over her long frame, moving as if it were a fragile china cup. The dress fit her perfectly, enhancing her natural beauty. The cathedral length veil held the drama she had hoped for, and I thought my heart might explode when I saw the joy captured on her face. This was going to be a day to remember, as Rebekah and Ryan became husband and wife.

A lump formed in my throat as my chest grew tight, and I didn’t hold back the bittersweet tears. Though I was thrilled she was marrying Ryan, I realized she wasn’t mine anymore. From this day forward, our relationship would be different.

Rebekah and I shared a deep bond; talking was “our thing.” We shared coffee dates with meaningful conversation. She prattled on about her friends, her struggles, and her beau. We chatted every Sunday for the four years she was away at college. We laughed hysterically as she regaled her adventures at university, and we cried together when she was overwhelmed and lonely.

I prayed for her as she drove those seven hours, either to campus or back home, all alone, checking my phone app often to make sure she was safe. I wondered, was it even wise to allow a young woman to travel alone, for such a long distance?

The day we dropped her at the far-away place, we sat through the welcome service at her Christian college and tears rolled down our cheeks. I scrounged through my purse, digging for more tissues as waves of unexpected grief crashed through our morning. We wept through the service, wiping away tears with our lunch napkins, mostly trying to avert the gaze of onlookers, and we bawled as we drove away leaving our baby, to figure it all out, alone. It was a melancholy seven-hour ride home. I’ll never forget the look on her fragile face as we drove away. She seemed much too young to be in this big world by herself, in a place where she had no one to cling to.

How would we ever get used to the distance between us? What was I going to do without Rebekah? Within the first semester, she wasn’t sure she would survive her new world. Between the drama with a friend group, annoyance with a roommate, and a longing for the familiar, she persevered through the usual growing pains of college.

Rebekah got braver and more involved, and tried new things, as she began to grow. She ventured away from home and discovered who she was, developing her strengths as a leader and learning significant life lessons in this protected community. During her sophomore year, our girl reconnected with Ryan, whom she had met at church camp when they were fourteen and sixteen, and they fell in love.

I dreamed of having grown kids nearby; we would have coffee dates and family dinners, and sleepovers with grandkids and “cousin camp” would be part of our routine. High hopes and expectations ruled my days, but my dream of having this one near was not to be.

Fast forward to her wedding day, my dreams shattered as reality dawned, she had built a life with Ryan, far away, and it hurt. My vision of having her near was gone as they began their professional careers, bought a house, and a dog, 437 excruciatingly long miles away from me.

What’s a midlife mom to do with a heart full of expectations for her kids? How in the world does she shift from this leading role in her child’s life to a supportive role where her adult child is now free to make their own choices?

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Lessons On Love From A Father

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Lessons On Love From A Father

“Filled with love and compassion, he ran to his son, embraced him, and kissed him.”-Luke 15:20

An Invitation to Love

Angela struggled as she watched her daughter, Jessica, walk away from the faith of her youth. Maybe it’s not so much that she walked away, as she added fresh perspectives on faith. Away from family, she was free to hear new ideas on religion, culture, and belief systems. A secular world view was presented in the college classrooms. Belief in God was scoffed at by her professors. Jessica loved God, but doubts clouded her decisions. The familiar voice of the Tempter rang in her ears, “Did God really say that?”

College life offered freedom from the restrictions and rules of her youth. Independence and free thinking wooed her away from God.

These changes alarmed Angela, but she pressed in and focused on God. One day as she sat with her Maker, in prayer, He gave her a profound revelation. She thought, “just because my daughter is making different choices, does not permit us from being close. I’m still free to love her deeply, and give the rest to God. Only the Holy Spirit can convict, convince, or teach her. My role, in that sense, is over. It is not my job anymore, now that she is an adult. My most significant job is to love her well.”

This fresh understanding buoyed Angela. It took away the feelings of shame and regret, like she had somehow parented her daughter wrong. Shame no longer plagued her, and she was free to maintain a close bond with her daughter. Worry was replaced with peace, and Angela surrendered her daughter to God, trusting His activity in Jessica’s life. All pressure was removed and devotion flowed easily,

Midlife momma, we might experience this with our adult children. They will walk away from their faith, and we will need to figure out what to do. Will we be embittered and judgmental, a Pharisee of sorts, pointing out all their wrongs? Will we lead with love? Will we allow them to wrestle with their faith without fearing they come to a different conclusion than we had hoped?

How we treat this child will likely change the trajectory of their life.

Let’s take our cues from a well known story in Luke about a father and a son. Most commentators focus on the son’s behavior, but today I want to lean in and watch what the father does. The story goes like this:

The son grew weary of being home, so he asked his father for his inheritance. The father gave it, and the son went off to live life with no restraint. He did what he wanted. He was careless and reckless. He squandered his inheritance leaving himself poor and destitute, begging for food. He remembered his father and returned home.

“So he returned home to his father. And while he was still a long way off, his father saw him coming. Filled with love and compassion, he ran to his son, embraced him, and kissed him. His son said to him, ‘Father, I have sinned against both heaven and you, and I am no longer worthy of being called your son. But his father said to the servants, ‘Quick! Bring the finest robe in the house and put it on him. Get a ring for his finger and sandals for his feet. And kill the calf we have been fattening. We must celebrate with a feast, for this son of mine was dead and has now returned to life. He was lost, but now he is found.’ So the party began. Luke 15:20-24

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Love Is The Key To Healing

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 “Hatred stirs up conflict, but love covers all wrongs.”- Proverbs 10:12


The Answer Is Love

Wendy and I gathered in a comfy booth. She preferred tea, as I reached for my hazelnut latte. Conversation flowed easily after years of friendship; the discussion always rolled around to our kids. We have prayed about our kids together. We have shared the ups and downs of teen years and watched our young adult kids find their life partners.

I understood her heart. Motherhood was her highest calling, and she did it with purpose and grace. After coming from a fractured family unit, she wanted a close family. Her and her husband worked hard to maintain the bond with their kids. We carried identical values for our families.

Her brown eyes welled with fresh tears as she recounted her heartache. Everything had changed. Her daughter came around less often. She moved to a new city and prefers her independence. She doesn’t return home when the other kids do; she seems angry or annoyed with her family.  Wendy wondered why.  “What have I done? I’m so concerned for her.  What should I do?”  

She wrestled with feelings of inadequacy, shame, loss of connection.  She never imagined her adult child would feel so distant. After years of praying for her kids, she wondered how she ended up in this spot?  “Where is God in it?” she pleaded.

I reached for her hand and willed hope to rise in her heart. “I know it hurts. I know you’re confused, but I believe there’s one thing we can give our kids. It’s love. We have to love them through it.”

Love is the key to healing. Love is the path to restoration.

As children of God, love must be our guiding action.  Instead of defensiveness, control, correction, or manipulation, could we, instead, lead with love?  See, love covers (Proverbs 10:12). It doesn’t point out the wrongs, or give disapproving glances. It covers, protects, shields, and restores.

The Holy Spirit is the one who brings correction and conviction, and even then, He moves because of His love. There is no harshness or condemnation. It’s not who God is. But momma, you are not your adult child’s Holy Spirit. You are called to love and leave the rest to God.


Keys To Love

Here are three key passages that teach us how to love:

  •  Most important of all, continue to show deep love for each other, for love covers a multitude of sins.” - 1 Peter 4:8 This is a powerful admonition for us to show deep affection for our adult children.  We don’t point out their flaws or missteps. We don’t shame or belittle because love covers! Love is a blanket over our expectations, so instead of judging our adult kids, we adore them. Love is a person and His name is Jesus. Let’s look at our adult kids the way Jesus looks on us, with eyes of warm mercy and compassion. Let’s let the Holy Spirit bring conviction. That is not our job.

  • “So now I am giving you a new commandment: Love each other. Just as I have loved you, you should love each other.  Your love for one another will prove to the world that you are my disciples.” - John 13:34-35 Papa has given us a command to love each other.  We don’t get to withhold our devotion. God is our model for tenderness; we look to Him for clues on how to love. We are free to appreciate others the way He has loved us. His fondness is unending, enduring forever, as it reaches to the heights and depths. We can’t escape His love. Let’s not allow our adult children to be confused or unsure of our dedication to them. 

  • “Love never gives up, never loses faith, is always hopeful, and endures through every circumstance.” - 1 Corinthians 13:7 Momma, you’re going to want to quit. You’ll become weary in waiting, but love never ends.  It perseveres through hardship, disappointment, and hopelessness. No matter what your adult child faces, we can be a source of love. We must continually return to God as He pours out His love upon us.  Pray that God would reveal His great love to your adult child.  I long for my children to be overwhelmed with His love for them.  In the waiting, we trust God is revealing His devotion to their hearts and minds.

Instead of rescuing or fixing, persuading or cajoling, could we lead with love, midlife momma? Could affection be the element that draws them to you and to the heart of God? 

Do they hear love in your tone when you talk to them? Do they see affection in your eyes?  Even when they are facing challenging circumstances or their life is falling apart, we minister love. Could your devotion bring the healing they so desperately need?

Let’s pray.

Dear Papa, help me stay so close to You as You Infuse my heart with love.  May devotion overflow from You to me, then unto my adult child.  Help me set aside criticism, judgment and harshness for tenderness, compassion and support.  May my love be a healing balm in my child’s life.  Pour out Your love upon them so they can experience Your goodness. 

I’ve created a free guide for you, “Five Ways To Support Your Adult Child.” Just leave your name and email so I know where to send it.

How To Trust God

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How To Trust God

“When I am afraid, I put my trust in you. In God, whose word I praise, in God I trust; I will not be afraid. What can flesh do to me?”-Psalm 56:3-4

Desperate Situations

I reached for my phone, as my Moriah’s name appeared on the screen. “I need to get out, mom,” she said resolutely. I sighed a prayer of relief. I rearranged my schedule and drove the four and half hours to help her pack. Thoughts rolled through my head, on the tedious drive, as I flung desperate prayers to heaven. God please, let him not be there. Please help us get her packed quickly. Please heal her broken heart. Fear and relief marched side by side in my mind.

We huddled in the closet of her loft apartment in downtown Des Moines. The concrete floors were cold beneath us, indicative of the mood, as Moriah riffled through her clothes.

Hot tears streamed down her face, as anguished cries escaped her mouth. “I’ve ruined everything. My life is one big disappointment!”

I sat beside her, heartbroken and afraid. What can I do? What should I say? These questions raced through my head as my daughter prepared to leave an unhealthy relationship. I waffled between resentment and hopefulness.

I felt satisfied with her determination to acknowledge and respond to the red flags in her relationship. But at that moment, I was certain my heart would break for her vulnerable state. “You are the bravest young woman, I know.” I choked.

I held her tight, willing her to receive some of my strength. God met us there, on the frigid floor. She may not have recognized it, in her pain, but He buoyed me, as my heart sank. I had never experienced this depth of powerlessness with my child. I doubted my skills to handle it well. I was desperate for Godly wisdom.

Oh, how I wanted to rescue and fix her all those months. We had conversations about his behavior and what it meant. Deep down, I resented him, but I simply said, “if you stay, it will be hard.” I could not tell her to leave because it was not my place. She had to realize the complexities of her situation and make her own decision. By the grace of God, she did, as courage welled within her.

Midlife momma, our children will face situations where we will want to fix and rescue. We will want to scream, “Don’t do that!” but in this phase with our kids, we must hold our tongues. This will be the season we cling to God. We will trust Him.

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How Trustworthy is God?

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How Trustworthy is God?

“The LORD is my strength and my shield; in him my heart trusts, and I am helped; my heart exults, and with my song I give thanks to him.”-Psalm 28:7

Sleepless Nights

I roll over and see the red numbers of the digital clock mocking me again. It’s 4:00am, two hours until the alarm blares. I sigh heavily, hoping to turn off the thoughts rolling through my head. Sleep isn’t my friend lately. Is it menopause or is it worry? Sometimes it’s hard to tell, but tonight I’m thinking about my grown kids. They’re all navigating hard situations while I feel overwhelmed and helpless.

Keenan has been battling an undiagnosed condition for nearly a year. He’s had countless scans, blood work, and still no answers. Every joint in his body aches, and he can barely walk. His life has been drastically affected.

Moriah desperately desires a career in her field. She’s spent months hunting for jobs, and no one will take a chance on her even with a master’s degree. She’s bright, driven, creative and hard working. Her retail management position leaves her drained and unfulfilled.

Caleb is wrestling with future plans. Should he and his new bride move across the country? But, then they’ll be starting over and far from family. They need clarity for the right decision.

Rebekah holds a taxing university job and is pursuing her masters degree. Her husband works for a large church that is understaffed. They have little margin in their days and are pushed to exhaustion.

Keziah is newly married and navigating that along with a demanding role in a college ministry, a part time job, and finishing up her undergrad degree in May.

So, I toss and turn, fretting and frustrated. I can’t change anything. I am powerless to help them, but there’s one thing I can do. I can entrust them to my powerful King.

I roll out of bed and head to the quiet place. Bible in hand and a pile of snotty tissues, I pray to my trustworthy God. I recount His promises and let go, again. I exchange my fear for His confidence. I lay the burdens down as I allow my heart to trust Him.

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Beyond Tired, (Exhausted Actually).

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Beyond Tired, (Exhausted Actually).

There was a mom who was really tired. BEYOND TIRED.

She was counting down the hours to “end” her active parenting.

It had been every day for 25++ years.

She found herself sitting on the floor, covered in empty boxes, about to sleep on a futon that had been through her three other college kids and was now gracing the dorm room of her baby.

She couldn’t believe she was finally here.

But she knew why she was absolutely exhausted. Who wouldn’t be?

She lay awake thinking about ALL.THE.THINGS.

ALL. THE. THINGS.

*Q-tips covered in alcohol carefully for 10 days on each of four babies’ umbilical cords until that gross thing turned black and fell off

*Shopping with four children under seven (it was like taking four goats to the store…I “kid” you not…get it? get it? I “kid” you not)

*Sorting legos into bags by color, size and type at least 52 times (to be exact)

Playing Ms. PacMan on Nintendo 64 surrounded by eight excited eyes until she beat all the levels and killed the witch

*Filling out back-to-school forms until her eyes twitched and hands curled up in agony (can’t this be computerized school board?)

*Packing 180 (# of days in a school year) X 4 (# of kids in her house) X 13 (# of school years) lunches (equals 9,360)

*Chore charts, memory verse charts, learn-to-pee-and-poop-on-the-potty charts, and behavior charts, all complete with stickers and prizes

*Watching (or at least hearing from the kitchen) ad nauseam reruns from the Disney Channel, Nick Jr., PBS, Cartoon Network and Netflix

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I Wasn't Ready For It To Be Over

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I Wasn't Ready For It To Be Over

The “First Lasts”

As the door rolled up, I held my breath, anxiously watching as the team surged onto the field, a sea of black and gold taking their places for warm-ups in the state semi-final football game. With each jumping jack and stretch, I tried to prepare myself for the game, knowing this could be the last one--but hoping it wouldn’t be. It was our high school’s first appearance in a semi-final game in 14 years--and it was my son’s senior season. My husband and I could not have been more proud.

The beginning of the football season a few months ago officially ushered in the season of “last firsts,” and was the trigger that brought me face to face with the reality that my time with our son in our home is quickly slipping away. The last first game of the season. The last time I would watch him warm up with his teammates. The last time my son would play at his high school stadium. Ever. As the momentum shifted early in the second half of the semi-final game, it became clear this would be the final game of his high school football career.

At home that night, we wrapped him in a big hug in our living room while he fought back emotion and confessed, “I wasn’t ready for it to be over.” Acknowledging time, and an era, passing that he now understood would never return. In my mind I thought, me neither, son. And I wasn’t just thinking about football. His words perfectly captured my feelings about the season we find ourselves in.

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Three Ways to Use Restraint While Listening to Your Adult Child

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Three Ways to Use Restraint While Listening to Your Adult Child

“A wise man will hear and increase in learning.” -Proverbs 1:5

Quiet Conversations

It was late at night as we gathered as a family after Keziah and Forrest’s wedding rehearsal dinner. The room was buzzing with conversation and laughter, as Keenan, our oldest son, pulled me aside and wanted to talk. Keenan’s not one for small talk and neither am I. I love to get to the heart of the matter in our conversations. We’re not afraid to be honest and vulnerable with each other. Usually our conversations involve tears because that’s how we’re wired. We sat on the kitchen stools as he started the conversation. He was animated and passionate because that’s his personality.

I didn’t agree with everything he said, but I knew the greatest gift I could give him in this moment was my undivided attention and a listening ear. I leaned in and looked him in the eye, and I saw nothing but love and compassion. I tuned out the rest of the family because this was important to him, and I wanted him to know it was important to me too.

As he spoke, I proposed in my heart to listen for understanding. I wanted to hear beyond the words to the message between the lines. I wanted to comprehend his heart. I was going to set aside my agenda, my opinion, and truly hear him.

He gave me the opportunity to share my heart too. But I did it with humility, relying on the power of God. I walked away from the conversation knowing I had heard him and validated his opinion. I leaned in, was present, and truly heard where he was at. I felt like the right thing to do.

Listen With Restraint

Listening doesn’t have to be a grin and bear it exercise, as you grit your teeth in frustration. Listening is a gift of love, an act of surrender, and a partnership with the Divine, even when your relationship with your adult child is complicated and messy. Especially when what you are hearing is different from what you believe or agree with.

Listening well communicates compassion, validation, and empathy. Paying attention is the one benefit we can freely give. It’s an opportunity for grace to flow.

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The Beauty of Listening To Your Adult Child

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The Beauty of Listening To Your Adult Child

“Understand this, my dear brothers and sisters; You must all be quick to listen slow to speak and slow to get angry.”- James 1:19

Hard Conversations

I could feel the tension in the air as we walked and talked that hot summer day. Caleb had reluctantly joined the family for a few days at our annual trip to Family Camp. I felt the resistance, and I could see the pain on his face.

This was the last place he wanted to be. He didn’t want to be boxed in by God or the church. I knew he had been wrestling with God for a few years. He was filled with doubts and probably some anger towards the church. I don’t think being a Pastor’s kid was an easy thing for him. He was now a college student and free to make his own choices, and he had picked up some new views about the world.

I asked him about his dad’s healing. “How do you explain dad’s miraculous healing from multiple sclerosis?” He looked at the ground, as we walked and said, “Science has proven the body can regenerate itself.” It felt like someone punched me in the gut! I avoided his gaze and tried to muster all the restraint I could and said, “Oh, it can, can it?” My comment was laced with sarcasm and bitterness. And that was the end of our conversation. I walked away dejected and fearful, and he left the conversation feeling frustrated. I’d blown it, for sure, when it came to listening.

A Listening Ear

As we enter this unfamiliar, supportive role in parenting our adult children, one of the greatest gifts we can give them is a listening ear. In the past we wanted to correct, instruct, and train, but those days are behind us. This is a new season which requires new skills.

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The Heart Work Required to Release Expectations

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The Heart Work Required to Release Expectations

“Create in me a pure heart, O God, and renew a steadfast spirit within me.”-Psalm 51:10

The Voice of Shame

I don’t want to face it. I’d rather hide from it, but today I’m smacked with my shame. She cuts with her remarks.

You are a failure!

You couldn’t even pray well enough for your kids!

You really messed it up, mom!

What kind of Christian are you?

I sat in a puddle of tears again, wishing, hoping, praying my child wasn’t walking away from God. This isn’t how it’s supposed to be. This isn’t the vision I had for our family.

The Holy Spirit gently whispers in my thoughts, “This isn’t about your child. I hold your child. What I want to talk about today is your heart. Let’s look at why you feel shame. It’s more about you than them.”

Honestly, facing the condition of my heart wasn’t something I wanted to do.

Wouldn't it be easier to focus on how they had let me down?

God graciously revealed areas of pride, judgement, and criticism I had allowed to grow in my heart surrounding this child. He led me to understand my expectations were harming this child. While the enemy wanted to beat me down with shame, the Holy Spirit wanted to grow me. He lovingly revealed how my motives were the things hurting this child. This was the beginning of my letting go and I didn’t experience humiliation nearly as often.

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