Finding Purpose: You Are More Than A Mom

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Finding Purpose: You Are More Than A Mom

 For I know the plans I have for you,” says the Lord. “They are plans for good and not for disaster, to give you a future and a hope.” - Jeremiah 29:11 NLT

Motherhood Shift

Thoughts rumbled through my brain as child number four left home for college. Doubts, fears, confusion, walking beside, excitement, hope, and anticipation. My role as an active mother was soon to end, once the baby graduated in a year. I couldn’t fathom a life that wasn’t focused on mothering. For nearly three decades, raising our five children was my job. 

I thought about the sleepless nights, the hours of monotonous chores: cooking, cleaning, managing, shuttling them from place to place. I tended to their hearts, walking them through heartache, endless squabbles, and confidence slumps.

I taught them kindness, playfulness, how to work hard, and how to have a relationship with Jesus. I extended oodles of grace and unconditional love. When I messed up, I apologized. I loved being their mom. They were my life, my everything.


I wondered what I would do now. “Surely, I’m more than a mom,” I thought. 

Perhaps like me, you’ve asked yourself the same question. 

There will come a day when we feel the shift. Motherhood was a high calling and we relished it, whether we were stay-at-home moms or juggled parenting with our careers. For decades we poured into our children, and now we face days without them as our roles are changing. Our children are grown and have left us, as they should. It’s the natural progression of parenthood.

But we’re left with so many questions. We feel unsettled and unsure. 

Who are we apart from our motherhood? 

What are we supposed to do now?

What can we do with this one life we’ve been given now that our purpose is shifting?

God in his goodness, does not abandon us. Here’s what He says to the bewildered mom: 

“For I know the plans I have for you,” says the Lord. “They are plans for good and not for disaster, to give you a future and a hope.” - Jeremiah 29:11 NLT

God has a beautiful plan and purpose for this period of motherhood. As we step into a more supportive role, it makes room for us to pursue our passions, interests, and longings. We are satisfied when we pursue the plans God has placed in our hearts.

God is present.

He will guide you. 

Goodness is coming.

Hope springs forth.    

When was the last time you thought about your dreams, or how you would like to spend your days? 

When was the last time you looked inside and addressed your longing? I bet you’ve buried it for so long, you forgot about your yearning.

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Bravely Tell Your Story, Momma!

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Bravely Tell Your Story, Momma!

He comforts us in all our troubles so that we can comfort others. When they are troubled, we will be able to give them the same comfort God has given us. -2 Corinthian 1:4

Can We Talk?

I recognized the name in my direct messages from decades ago. We met through mutual friends and had kids of similar ages. Anna reached out wanting to know if we could talk. I sent her a message welcoming a conversation.

I heard the heaviness in her voice as she held back tears. “I love my adult kids so much, and we have a great relationship, but I see changes in my son and I don’t know what to do. I don’t want to mess this up,” she says. Her adult son was raised in the church and went to a Christian college, and now his lifestyle is completely anti-God, and he told her he no longer believes in God.

“I feel like such a failure,” she cried. “I remember feeling like that, too,” I sighed. “I didn’t know who to talk to about it. I can’t talk to people at church because they’ll judge me. I’m so worried I’m going to do something wrong to damage our relationship, and I don't want to do that,” she said. “I didn’t know where to turn, and I thought of you,” she said. We chatted for thirty minutes as she poured out her heartache. I silently whispered a prayer of thanks for God sent her my way. We need each other. I listened and encouraged as she felt relieved to talk about it.

Unsupported Moms

We have an army of forgotten moms trying to navigate their changing roles with their adult children. They wonder where all the experts went. Where is the book “What to Expect When Your Child Reaches Adulthood?”

Moms suffer in silence assuming they’ve completely ruined their kids. They carry grief and shame like boulders in backpacks, weighed down wherever they go.

They tried their best and didn’t receive the outcome they’d hoped for, and now they feel lost.

Moms like this are the reason I write, coach, and produce a weekly podcast, The Midlife Momma Podcast (click on it and you can listen in).

I don’t want them to feel alone anymore. I’ve been parenting my five adult kids for fourteen years and everything about how I parent them has changed. Love is still the cornerstone of our connection, but I’ve had to move to a more supportive role rather than a directive stance.

I’ve failed, fallen, grown, and rallied. I’ll share what works and what does not.

I want to encourage these seasoned moms and support them as they navigate the emotional rollercoaster of parenting their adult children.

Share Your Story

My hope is moms like this will come out stronger as they begin to share their stories. Honestly, we’re so much more alike than different. When one mom takes a defiant step of courage and shares her struggles, she creates an avalanche where other moms can be swept up in the freedom. Freedom comes as we bring our heartache into the light of Christ.

I hope to create a safe space where you can bravely share your disappointments and triumphs, knowing there is an army of women who understand and will offer you support and compassion.

What if moms didn’t cower in shame anymore, but talked about the challenges of parenting adult kids? Instead of staying silent in our churches or bible studies, could we talk openly about our struggles? Could we see the power of bringing our stories into the light?

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Give Mom a Break From Holiday Cooking

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Give Mom a Break From Holiday Cooking

It’s funny how time changes a family's relationship with food.

When our five kids were home, I made simple homemade food. It wasn’t fancy or fussy, just warm and filling. While most of their friends were eating fast food, chicken nuggets, and frozen pizza, I was happy to cook from scratch.

My mom taught me how to cook when I was very young. I have sweet memories with her in the kitchen. Cooking was a way to love my family well.

“Are there onions in this, mom?” was a phrase heard at every meal. I think it was a textural thing for my son.”There will always be onions, Honey,” was my regular response.

I didn’t want to argue about food.

If there was something they didn’t like, they weren’t allowed to complain. They could excuse themselves and make a peanut butter sandwich, then come back to the table.

Dinner time was about connection and sharing our day.

When they were young, we read through a corny devotional called “Sticky Situations.” Those were sweet days with our growing family.

I was the head cook back then.

I had the responsibility for menu planning, shopping, and food prep. I’d drag the five kids along for our weekly grocery runs, cart overflowing. Those five gallons of milk took up a lot of space.

The kids were great at cleanup.

Eventually the younger two girls would join me in the kitchen, but for the most part food prep was my mission and I enjoyed it.

It does not need to stay this way

Momma, with the grown kids, you don’t have to be in charge of food prep anymore.

The weight of holiday meal planning does not have to be on you.

Invite your grownup kids to join you in the kitchen. Welcome their help and have fun as you reminisce and learn about each other all over again.

My five kids all adore time at the stove.

In fact, I had Thanksgiving meal prep off this year because our oldest son Keenan prepared the bulk of the meal.

The turkey was brined and stuffed with onions, oranges, and fresh herbs. Copious amount of butter was used in the Sweet Potato Casserole and the Mashed Potatoes with Leeks. The Sausage Apple Stuffing with the crunchy edges was delicious. I only helped a little with the gravy.

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How Gratitude Helps You Release Expectations

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How Gratitude Helps You Release Expectations

“Give thanks to the Lord, for he is good! His faithful love endures forever.” - 1 Chronicles 16:34

Holiday Blues

I have felt the sting of sadness when plans don’t quite go the way I imagined. I long for the days when all my kids were around my holiday table.

I long to cling to the traditions I built when my children were young.

I loved how the kids fussed over setting the table. We’re an artistic bunch, and they worked hard to make it pretty.

Now that my children are grown, it’s not always possible to be together every holiday. I have to share them with their spouses' families. They all live far from me and the distance can be a hindrance to us gathering. As much as I want holidays to remain the same, it’s no longer possible.

In the early years with my adult children this left me heartbroken and sometimes bitter.

Moms, we know we need to adapt, but we struggle with change. We wrestle with traditions being set aside now that our children are grown. In the quiet, when we’re honest, we really want things to go our way. We wrestle with selfishness.

What if there is a way for moms to release holiday expectations?

Could gratitude hold the key?

While expectations rumble with selfishness and demands, gratitude keeps our hearts open to the goodness of God and the needs of our family members.

While we want to hold tight to our old ways and traditions, gratitude helps us see new possibilities and gives us a fresh perspective.

Where expectations squeeze and take, gratitude releases and gives.

The antidote to expectations is gratitude. As we shift our heart to give thanks, we invite God near. His nearness transforms us.

Where bitterness reigned, softness was invited to dwell.

“I will give thanks to you, Lord, with all my heart; I will tell of all your wonderful deeds” - Psalm 9:1

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How to Release Holiday Expectations

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How to Release Holiday Expectations

“Let us then with confidence draw near to the throne of grace, that we may receive mercy and find grace to help in time of need.” Hebrews 4:16


Holiday Tension

As the calendar flips to November, my thoughts turn to holiday plans and the air is ripe with tension as I wonder if and when I’ll be reunited with my grown kids.

Momma, do you feel the tension too?

I have precious memories and traditions and I can’t bear the thought of them not continuing. My heart is full of expectations on how the holidays will look, but I know that my refusal to budge causes irreparable harm to my family.

I long for the days when the kids were near. There was no doubt we’d be together around the table at every holiday dinner. My grown kids are all returning home to celebrate their dad’s birthday mid-November, so that means I won’t see them all for Thanksgiving. Instead of them all coming home, we’ll gather at our oldest son’s home in Minnesota, along with some of his siblings. I must adapt. I need to have a good attitude about it.

There are plenty of reasons why your holidays could look different. Your child might want to spend time with their significant other. Perhaps work doesn’t allow them to return home. Maybe they’re tired of the endless holiday shuffle from home to home with cranky grandkids. Could it be that they need to be with their in-laws this time around? What if they just want to have a simple Christmas at home?

Moms are required to lean in and find strength in God as we release expectations for the good of the whole. Instead of causing strife in our families, by demanding our grown kids celebrate the holidays a certain way, let us choose the way of least resistance, as we learn to let go.

  • Could we lean in and find strength from God as we realize the holidays will look different now that our offspring are grown?

  • Would could it look like if we laid down our demands and chose the way of peace?

  • What if moms laid their expectations at the feet of Jesus and processed the loss with Him?

  • How would a mom filled with gratitude communicate graciously with her adult children?

  • What if guilt was replaced with compassion?

  • What if pressure was exchanged for peace?

  • Could the art of compromise be practiced so everyone feels like their voice is heard?

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Four Reasons Why You Can Trust God

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Four Reasons Why You Can Trust God

“And those who know your name put their trust in you, for you, O LORD, have not forsaken those who seek you.” - Psalm 9:10

When It’s Hard to Trust

At times, I allow my concerns for my grown children too much time in my head. I rehearse their struggles. I lament about where they’re at with God. I want to fix and rescue them because that’s what I did when they were young. I make God small, as I magnify their problems.

We find ourselves in this dark place of fear and doubt, don’t we, mommas? We’re perplexed and overwhelmed with our children’s difficult circumstances. We wonder why they walked away from Him. We fear for their future. We doubt their ability to make wise decisions. We question God’s ways.

We have two options in this season of motherhood: We can spend our days obsessed with our offspring’s struggles, worried, our lives devoid of peace, or we can experience the calm that comes from trusting God.

It’s normal to worry about our loved ones, but it becomes sin when we don’t turn it over to God. When we struggle with a lack of trust, it’s helpful to ask ourselves why do we struggle to trust God? What is it about His character that is lacking? Why do we want things to go the way we think they should? Why do we feel this need to control outcomes?

What The Bible Says About Trust

A short jaunt through the scriptures and we find endless reasons why God is trustworthy. Here are a few:

“Trust in the LORD with all your heart, and do not lean on your own understanding.In all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make straight your paths.” - Proverbs 3:5-6

“Delight yourself in the LORD, and he will give you the desires of your heart. Commit your way to the LORD; trust in him, and he will act.” - Psalm 37:4-5

“Our soul waits for the LORD; he is our help and our shield. For our heart is glad in him, because we trust in his holy name. Let your steadfast love, O LORD, be upon us, even as we hope in you.” - Psalm 33:20-22

“You keep him in perfect peace whose mind is stayed on you, because he trusts in you. Trust in the LORD forever, for the LORD GOD is an everlasting rock.” - Isaiah 26:3-4

“Behold, God is my salvation; I will trust, and will not be afraid; for the LORD GOD is my strength and my song, and he has become my salvation.” - Isaiah 12:2

“And those who know your name put their trust in you, for you, O LORD, have not forsaken those who seek you.” - Psalm 9:10

“When I am afraid,I put my trust in you. In God, whose word I praise, in God I trust; I will not be afraid. What can flesh do to me?” - Psalm 56:3-4

“Blessed is the man who trusts in the LORD, whose trust is the LORD. He is like a tree planted by water, that sends out its roots by the stream, and does not fear when heat comes, for its leaves remain green, and is not anxious in the year of drought, for it does not cease to bear fruit.” - Jeremiah 17:7-8

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4 Ways to Rely On God

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4 Ways to Rely On God

“Come away with me and you’ll recover your life.” Matthew 11:28 The Message

Sleepless Nights

The house is quiet, the only light comes from her bedside table where her phone is charging. Denise flops over angrily in bed to check the time on her phone. It registers 2:13 am; it’s been 40 minutes since she last looked. She sighs heavily as frustration rises in her soul as the uncontrollable thoughts race through her mind. She wonders about her daughter, Lizzie, away at college. Is she safe? Is she making friends? Is she making wise choices? Will she go crazy with all the freedom she has now? Will she go to church? Does she think about God anymore?

Denise tugs at her blankets and stares at the ceiling feeling lost and uncertain now that her daughter has moved away. “What am I supposed to do now? Who am I apart from my motherhood? What am I going to do with my time now that I don’t have all her activities to go to?” she wonders.

Her thoughts turn to God. “Do you even care? You seem so far away? I feel unsure, unsteady and overwhelmed. Why does it have to be like this? This ache in my chest won’t go away and I don’t know what to do about it. I can’t steady my thoughts. I can’t find You in my grief. Where are you God? I feel alone and abandoned.”


Change

I remember the sleepless nights after launching a child into the world and the ache I carried through my days. Everything in my world changed, and I didn’t know what I was supposed to do with this pain? How could I rely on God to get me through this heartache?

We all face this shift in our motherhood as we launch our children into the world. We long for the familiar, but we can’t find it because everything has changed. We wonder where God is, like He’s playing some cruel game of hide and seek. We feel unsettled and ill-equipped. How do we rely on Him in this season? What does that look like and how can it help relieve our pain?

How to Rely on God

We have some powerful words from Jesus, to anchor our souls on in Matthew 11:28-30:

“Are you tired? Worn out? Burned out on religion? Come to me. Get away with me and you’ll recover your life. I’ll show you how to take a real rest. Walk with me and work with me—watch how I do it. Learn the unforced rhythms of grace. I won’t lay anything heavy or ill-fitting on you. Keep company with me and you’ll learn to live freely and lightly.” - Matthew 11:28-30 The Message

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4 Ways to Listen Effectively

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4 Ways to Listen Effectively


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“Watch your tongue and keep your mouth shut, and you will stay out of trouble.” - Proverbs 21:23

Distracted

Tension hung in the air as Jackie and her daughter, Melissa fidgeted uncomfortably in the coffee shop booth. Melissa wanted to talk to her mom about her boyfriend, Ben. Melissa squared her shoulders and took a deep breath, fearing what her mom’s reply might be. “Mom, why don’t you like him? You’re not even trying!” she said in disgust. Jackie’s phone buzzed. She reached for it to answer the text. “Just a minute, it’s your dad. He needs to know what time we have to be at the baseball game for you brother,” said Jackie. Melissa rolled her eyes in disgust. “Here we go again, I can’t even have a conversation with her,” thought Melissa as she slumped down in the booth.

“That brother of yours. He’s doing so well on the team this year. When are you going to go to one of his games? He’s amazing! You’re just always hanging out with that boyfriend. You don’t even care about your family anymore, do you?” said Jackie.

Indignant, Melissa insisted, “Mom, back to our conversation about Ben.” Jackie rolled her eyes and said, “Oh, what is there to say about Ben that you haven’t already said?” Jackie interrupted, “You think he’s wonderful, and I just think you could do better.” Defeated and feeling unheard, Melissa sinks into the booth and returns to sipping her latte. “When will she ever listen to me?” Melissa wondered.

Poor Communication

I’ve been this mom, utterly distracted by my phone and made assumptions about what my child was going to say. I wasn’t listening at all. I was rude, unfocused, and insensitive. I’m not proud of myself for it.

The cornerstone of effective communication is the art of listening. We could avoid missteps and misunderstandings if we listened well to our adult children. It’s a complex skill to learn but when we do, it results in deeper understanding and connection with our grown children. Ultimately, we both want to feel heard in any conversation.

We need to remove the attitude that the parent knows all and that the child must receive and adhere to the parents wishes. This is a difficult transition to navigate for most parents who are used to leading this relationship. When we shift to seeing each other as listening equals, this ushers in better conversations.

God cares deeply about this topic and addresses the power of listening many times in His Word. We are admonished to control our tongues by keeping our mouths shut. Less talking and more listening results in understanding and healthier relationships.

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How You Can Agree To Disagree

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How You Can Agree To Disagree

“Do all that you can to live in peace with everyone.”-Romans 12:18

The Hard Conversation

Elizabeth wanted to have a conversation with her daughter, but fear welled up inside. Dread accompanied insecurity as she braced herself for this difficult conversation. She knew where her daughter, Lisa stood on the overturning of Roe vs Wade. She’d seen her daughter’s post go viral a few days earlier. Her momma heart was shattered as waves of despair and hopelessness crashed through her thoughts. Sleepless nights gave way to teary days as questions loomed: “Where did I go wrong? I’m such a failure! How did my child come to this conclusion? This isn’t how I raised her! When did this happen and what do I do? What should I say? I don’t want to argue.”

Elizabeth did what a hurting mom does, she brought her pain to God in prayer. She poured out her heartache and once again laid her grown child at His feet. Surrender and trust were her battle weapons. As in times before, the Spirit whispered. “I’ve got her. I’m not done yet. Trust Me.” Peace was ushered in as Elizabeth offered thanks to God.

When Lisa returned from work, Elizabeth grabbed a couple mugs of tea, and they plopped down on the couch. Elizabeth flung a silent prayer to heaven and bravely said, “Lisa, you seem really passionate about the overturning of Roe vs Wade. Would you like to tell me about it?” Elizabeth settled in with a warm smile and a heart tuned to listen well.

Civil Conversation

There are times when you and your adult child will not agree on certain social issues, faith ideas, or moral decisions. This can cause moms to turn to despair and self-loathing as we focus on ourselves and wonder where we went wrong with this child. Our self-centeredness often hurts our child, because it makes them feel less than, that they’re somehow flawed for believing differently than we do.

Disagreements can be a breeding ground for resentment and bitterness to grow in our relationship, resulting in a rift. During the conversation, you’ll want to add your “two cents!” You’ll want to roll your eyes! You’ll wonder how they ever landed on this opinion. It takes an extra measure of self-control, not to blurt out, “Are you crazy?” Deep down you know doing any of these will hurt your grownup child. So what’s a mom to do? What if there was a way to maintain our bond of love even when we disagree? What if we could agree to disagree?

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How Moms Conquer College Drop Off

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How Moms Conquer College Drop Off

“I knew you before I formed you in your mother’s womb. Before you were born I set you apart and appointed you as my prophet to the nations.” Jeremiah 1:5 NLT

My Quiet House

My usual bustling house was eerily quiet. Four of our kids were out of the nest, with one left to finish three more years of high school. I looked forward to time with the baby, but she was pretty busy with school activities and work. I’d hug her in between events, but she was independent. I admired her strength. A heaviness hung over me as my mind flashed through my usual routine.

Motherhood is all I knew. I spent nearly three decades focused on my five kids. There were endless appointments, sporting events, musical concerts, homework, sibling rivalry, laundry, grocery shopping, counseling, training, loving, laughter, and tears. My days jumbled together in a monotonous repeat of tasks, but I saw motherhood as a high calling and a gift.

We dropped the fourth child at college recently and questions tumbled through my thoughts:

Who am I apart from being a mom?

What do I want to do with this life now that my kids are grown?

What dreams had I set aside to raise them?

My children were my focus and now they are gone. My active mothering would end. How could I conquer this phase of motherhood, the one that was more hands off, less child focused?

We will all face this chasm. This shift between what we always did, and the future apart from our grown kids. We have dropped a child at college and life looks different. It doesn’t matter if it’s our first or our last; everything changes.

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4 Things A Mom Needs To Know Before College Drop Off

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4 Things A Mom Needs To Know Before College Drop Off

“Trust in the Lord and do good.Then you will live safely in the land and prosper.” Psalm 37:3 NLT

Move In Day

The August sun beat down as we unloaded our overpacked cars and schlepped items up to the third floor of her dorm. We passed sweaty students, as eager parents made sense of the small spaces. Our youngest daughter, Keziah was bright with excitement as we unpacked boxes and got her closet arranged just right. Her dad lugged the refrigerator up three flights and lofted the bed. We were thankful for a breeze through her window.

We gobbled some Chick Fil-A, made a Target run, then one last sweep of her room. She plopped down on her cute futon under the lofted bed with the matching comforter and fluffy throw pillows. She looked content in her space, with little plants speckled about the room. She seemed ready. This was our cue to head home.

Why did she seem so assured and confident? This one was fiercely independent. All I could think of was I wouldn’t see her sweet face every day. A lump formed in my throat as we said our goodbyes. Soft tears rolled down our cheeks. I think she cried for us more than herself. We knew this young woman would prosper in every way.

The three hour ride home was quiet for my hubby and I. All I could think about was how fast those eighteen years with her went. After 30 years of parenting our five kids, the nest was empty. Though I have made this transition five times, it never got easier for me.

Transition

When we drop our child at college, it is one of the biggest transitions we will make as a mom.

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4 Things To Do If You're Serious About Respect

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4 Things To Do If You're Serious About Respect

“So whatever you wish that others would do to you, do also to them, for this is the Law and the Prophets.”-Matthew 7:12

As Children Change

As my grown children left home and ventured into the big world, some of them came back with new ideas or fresh insights that were contrary to how they were raised. Initially I viewed these differences as a reflection of me, and I felt like a failure as their mother.

I thought, “This isn’t how I raised you. How can you possibly think that way about these issues?” I wanted to fight back with all the reasons they were wrong, but I knew that wouldn’t get us anywhere. I needed to shift and think less about myself and realize they were autonomous humans who were free to think whatever they wanted about society.

This is a season of great change for both mom and her adult child. Our children will test theories and wrestle with what they believe about themselves, society, and God. Growth is required for both of us and respect is the channel which fuels positive change.

The Need To Respect

I needed to extend respect through the way we communicated. But not the insincere “grin and bear it” sort. I desired to truly honor them as humans. As a follower of Christ, honor is due even when we disagree.

I concentrated on my connection with God. He became my source of comfort as I poured out my woes. My calmness, genuine respect, and gentle words ruled our interactions. I wasn’t required to agree with my grown child; I was simply asked to respect them each time we talked.

This was not easy at first! Where there was once frustration and a simmering inside, I’ve learned to talk peacefully. I practice patience and surrender all the emotions to God instead of flinging piercing words at my children. This took years of practice.

We don’t want to behave in a negative way, but sometimes it is painful for us to respect a child who sees the world differently from how we raised them because we think respect means acceptance. I don’t believe these words are synonymous.

Hurtful words flung in an emotional moment cause a rift in our relationships. We realize respect is the better way. When we give respect we usher in grace, peace and God’s presence.

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4 Foolproof Ways To Supercharge Your Growth

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4 Foolproof Ways To Supercharge Your Growth

“Let the wise listen and add to their learning, and let the discerning get guidance—” Proverbs 1:5

Do you feel the tension, momma?

I remember wondering, what do I do now? I felt lost and confused as my child left home. What am I supposed to do with my emerging adult? What does it look like to let go of a child you poured your life into? How do I trust them when they’re on their own? Will they make good choices? Will they be responsible? Will they get hurt? What if they walk away from God?

We are trapped between the need to maintain what we have always done, as a mom, with the knowledge our role will change once our child reaches adulthood. We understood what was required of us when the kids were young. Systems and routines ruled the day as we confidently mothered our brood. Expectations were clear and each family member understood their role.

Now, there’s a shift.

We feel unsteady, unsure of how to move forward. We are required to adapt–to grow and expansion feels uncomfortable. We face one of the greatest transitions in our parenting, when our child becomes an adult.

Where is God in this? How can we rely on Him as we foster independence in our child and do the heart work required to navigate this change? How will we remain steady through this transition?

President of inLight Consulting Inc, Rob Streeter says this about transitions:

“When we go through a difficult transition, we must force our minds to acknowledge that God is a careful and purposeful orchestrator. ‘And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose’ (Romans 8:28). As the sovereign and omniscient Orchestrator, He has worked it all into His plan. I honestly don’t know of a greater encouragement than that.”

God is in the midst of this change. He orchestrates it all and there is no sweeter peace.

Change is inevitable and transitions are a part of life. The big question is: Are you ready to grow, or are you resistant to change? Will you refuse to adapt and create added stress in your relationship with your adult child? Will you partner with God as He helps you through this rocky phase?

I understand you feel nervous and unsure, but when you accept a growth mindset, you will flourish in this season. There is growth for you and your adult child. When you submit to the work, you will come through with a deep dependence on God and a strengthened bond with your grown child.

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4 Powerful Reasons Why You Need to Be Empathetic

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4 Powerful Reasons Why You Need to Be Empathetic

“He who has knowledge restrains and is careful with his words, and a man of understanding and wisdom has a cool spirit.” Proverbs 17:27 AMP

Dismissed

John was home from college ready for a summer to work and reconnect with old friends. He leaned against the kitchen island, shoulders slumped, eyes downcast as his mom, Elizabeth loaded the dishwasher. “What’s wrong, Bud?” quipped Elizabeth. “Jenny said we need a break in our relationship. I don’t know what I’m supposed to do now,” he whispered.

Elizabeth continued to load the dishwasher and in her usual upbeat, positive attitude said, “Honestly, she wasn’t my favorite. At least you’re young. There are plenty of great girls out there. Just go pick another one!”

John bristled at her comment and thought, “When will she ever care about how I feel? I’m tired of being dismissed.” The divide in their relationship grew as John slinked out of the kitchen to go to his room.

Do you practice empathy?

How empathetic are you as a mom? Are you good at joining your adult child in their pain, refusing to rescue or fix or make it about you? Do you minimize their pain and ask them to get over it?

I did not practice empathy well for many years, and it left my grown kids feeling overlooked and unvalidated. I could see the pain in their eyes, but I never understood until my son pointed it out. “I just want what I feel to be validated,” was his plea.

Perhaps, like me, you didn’t know.

You were ignorant.

I don’t think empathy was modeled for me.

I had to learn.

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Ridiculously Awesome Ways To Communicate Support

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Ridiculously Awesome Ways To Communicate Support

“Do not fear, for I am with you. Do not be afraid, for I am your God. I will give you strength, and for sure I will help you. Yes, I will hold you up with My right hand that is right and good.”

The Struggle

Bob and I sat on our weekly FaceTime call with our oldest daughter, Moriah as tears rolled down her face, as she recounted another distressing interaction with her boss. Her younger boss lacked managerial skills. Moriah was hardworking, competent, but her boss micromanaged her every move. Every creative decision she made was questioned. This left Moriah crushed and disappointed in her circumstance.

Moriah flourished in academia, maintaining her 4.0 GPA and received a fellowship for Graduate School. She was esteemed by professors when she received her Masters In Creative Writing. She spent months searching for creative writing jobs in her metropolitan area. With no experience, companies wouldn’t take a chance on her, so she was forced to get a retail job to pay her bills.

The pandemic and continued frustration with not being in a field she loved, left her heartbroken and disappointed in herself and her dreams for the future.

It wasn’t our job to fix, solve, or carry Moriah’s situation. That was her job. Our role was to support her.

We listened well and encouraged her to be responsible to work so she could pay her bills. It’s no small feat living in a large city by yourself, as the cost of living is outrageous. We pointed out what she was doing well, and reassured her to keep fighting to find something new. And she did.


How To Communicate Support

We will all experience tension as our grown kids navigate hardship. They may experience health issues, occupational distress, financial trouble, heartbreak in romantic relationships, or mental health concerns. How we communicate to our children in this season will have a lasting impact.

Instead of rushing in to rescue, we rely on this truth from God’s Word. “Do not fear, for I am with you. Do not be afraid, for I am your God. I will give you strength, and for sure I will help you. Yes, I will hold you up with My right hand that is right and good.” Isaiah 41:10 In the crushing God is at work, but we must allow our kids to experience this for themselves.

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4 Ways To Conquer Your Fear Of Releasing Your Emerging Adult

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4 Ways To Conquer Your Fear Of Releasing Your Emerging Adult

“Those who know your name trust in you, for you, O Lord, do not abandon those who search for you.”- Psalm 9:10 NLT

The End of An Era

Keenan stood at the podium at his high school graduation, on a steamy June evening, as he offered a short speech. His 6’5” frame was draped in a red graduation gown and mortarboard hat. Years on the stage made him a confident speaker. He was calm and articulate; his hazel eyes bright with anticipation for the future.

He wasn’t driven by achievement or accolades. He loved ideas and meaningful connection. He devoured books and ideas like candy. He was a wise old soul for a young man.

He was leaving our rural Minnesota hamlet to attend a college in downtown Minneapolis. What a jump it would be and he was bursting to get out of small town life. There was little to do except hang out with friends at the local coffee shop or drive around. He was ready for richer experiences.

His junior and senior year were spent mostly away from us because of work and student activities. His absence at the dinner table seemed a normal part of our routine. But not having him in our home felt impossible to reconcile. His siblings adored him and so did we. How was I going to let my firstborn go?

Every mom comes to this point in her relationship with her emerging adult. It is time to release them. This is God’s plan and a normal process of parenting. We knew this day was coming. Instead of dreading it, we partner with God to release our emerging adult children.

God in His sovereign goodness does not abandon us. He is our source of help and strength in this unfamiliar phase of motherhood. As we lean into His strength, He infuses us with the ability to relinquish control and watch our baby soar.

You are not left alone. You are not forgotten.

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Confessions Of A Mom Whose Baby Will Graduate Soon

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Confessions Of A Mom Whose Baby Will Graduate Soon

“But those who hope in the Lord will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not be weary, they will walk and not be faint.”- Isaiah 40:31

The End In Sight

I watched Rebekah gracefully cross the stage to accept her certificate, confident and composed, as my mind flashed to her four-year-old-self. I saw her in her purple sequined tutu and her first pair of tap shoes, blissfully on stage at her first dance recital. Her wavy hair was piled on top of her head in a messy bun, with a purple feather hat tipped to the side. She grinned from ear to ear as the music faded up. Her brown eyes sparkled as she danced.

I remembered the challenging middle school years where girls hurled insults, and hurt her tender heart. “Mean Girls” wasn’t just a movie, it was a shocking reality for my young teen. She navigated rejection and learned important lessons about friendship.

High school brought endless leadership opportunities and growth. And here we were at the end, as our calendar was filled with events.The final Choir Concert, Spring Musical, National Honor Society Banquet, Prom, Student Council Banquet, Speech Banquet. She blissfully walked through each event while I thought my heart would break in two. How can a mom experience such joy and sadness in the same moments?

I was on the cusp of releasing another child. This was child number four, and you think it would be easier, but every one cut me to the core. Bittersweet was the best way to describe it. I could see how God had grown my girl, but the thought of her leaving me filled me with sadness.

We will all face these moments as our teen prepares to graduate from high school. How do we navigate this shift? Some moms feel immense grief while others are jubilant and ready to see their baby soar. What can we learn from a mom who has been through this five times?

Here’s my confession:

1) We live in tension of holding on and letting go: It’s normal to vacillate between sadness and joy. One moment we feel our hearts burst with pride, and we will only think of what we are losing. On Monday, we are elated as we dream about what to do with their empty room, and by Wednesday, we weep over the thought of not hearing their voice each morning. Friday leaves us annoyed as our independent teen snaps at our question about her graduation party. We will be happy to not have tension in our home.

We are up.

We are down.

We are all around, as a case of whiplash sets in.

All these emotions are normal. It doesn’t matter if it is child number one or number six. We will experience a vast array of emotions. This is the cost of love. This is a time we extend grace to ourselves, as we simply give ourselves space to process these feelings, with God. When we pour it all out, God comforts us.

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8 Awesome Bible Verses To Study About Communication

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8 Awesome Bible Verses To Study About Communication

“Let your speech always be gracious, seasoned with salt, so that you may know how you ought to answer each person.” -Colossians 4:6

Hard Conversations

Amanda leaned against the kitchen counter, arms crossed, as she faced her young adult daughter, Rachel. Rachel’s eyes were downcast, fearing the conversation. “I know this isn’t going to go well, she thought, “but here we go again.”

“Mom, I just don't want to go to college!” Rachel pleaded. “It’s a stupid waste of money. I don’t even know what I want to do with my life. Why do I have to go? Can’t I just kick back for a year and see what happens?”

Amanda braced herself for the exchange as she felt the tension in her upper back. “Why in the world would you take a year off? That’s just stupid. You think you can just slide into adulthood? It doesn’t work like that. Around here, we do the work. You should definitely register for classes at the university. You’ll be fine.”

The tension hung in the air as Rachel slipped away, defeated and wondered, “When will she ever stop making suggestions and listen to what I have to say?”

Is this type of conversation familiar in your home?

I didn’t mean to give unsolicited advice, yet suggestions quickly rolled off my tongue, and I saw the ache behind my adult child’s eyes when I offered advice.

In an effort to protect our kids, or show them the path ahead could be harmful, we overstep. We talk too much. We say things like, “You should…” or “Why don’t you…” We magnify the situation, resulting in conflict.

We say they are being rebellious or disagreeable, but if we are honest, we are irritated that they will not do what we want. Our adult kids are no longer children and they are not required to obey us (Ephesians 6:1). This is a hard shift for moms to understand.

Gracious Speech

No mom intentionally sets out to frustrate her adult children, but in our carelessness we often cause harm.

Gaining a fresh perspective from God’s Word is what we need. It’s helpful to remember God cares about how we speak.

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Why You Need A New Way Of Thinking To Release Expectations

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Why You Need A New Way Of Thinking To Release Expectations

“Don’t copy the behavior and customs of this world, but let God transform you into a new person by changing the way you think. Then you will learn to know God’s will for you, which is good and pleasing and perfect.” Romans 2:12

Tearful Talk

I plopped down next to my oldest son, Keenan as he rested his achy joints. A battle with arthritis had significantly affected his young body. Often he needed to stretch out because sitting exacerbates his pain. “You all right, Bud?” I asked with warm eyes. “Yes, I’m just stretching.” I pulled a blanket over my legs, as a cool breeze floated through an open window.

“You okay, mom?” he asked as he sensed my melancholy. “Yea, I’m okay, just a little sad that we have to leave again. You know this part is hard for me. When you were little I never imagined our family would be spread across the country like this,” I whispered, as warm tears rolled down my cheeks.

With the wisdom of a first-born he said, “I’m sorry this is hard for you, mom, but maybe it won’t be this way forever. It’s the season in life where the kids are venturing out. We’re learning independence. It’s good for us. Maybe one day we will all live closer.” I blew my nose again and hoped what he said would come true.

I never thought what our family would look like once the kids were grown. Perhaps I was in denial? I never thought about the future beyond their growing up years. I assumed we would all live somewhere in Minnesota, our home state. Yet, here we are, with five grown kids, spread out in Illinois, Minnesota, Missouri, Iowa and soon to be Utah. One child will be nineteen hours away.

I honestly didn’t see that coming. Perhaps you’re like me and wonder how we ended up with so much physical distance between our kids? Maybe you carry a different expectation that didn’t quite go the way you imagined. Are you shocked by it, too?

What do we do with our collective grief? How do we release expectations and come to a beautiful place of acceptance? Where is God in all of this? Does He even care about us?

The Big Book for recovery says this about expectations: “Expectations are premeditated resentments.” Ouch, momma, that one hurts, doesn’t it? We have a choice to make when it comes to our adult kids. We can require them to meet our expectations, thus making them miserable and bound, or we can lean into God’s loving hand and receive the grace to let go and accept the changes.

I cringe a little when I hear mommas say, “My kids will never leave me.” I do not believe we have the right to say such a thing. Our children are not made to meet our expectations. They are called by God to build their own lives.

What can we do to lean into God as we unravel the emotional overwhelm of releasing expectations? How do we actually lay them down? How do we quiet the demands of our selfish hearts?

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Strategies to Consider for Expectations

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Strategies to Consider for Expectations

“Let us then with confidence draw near to the throne of grace, that we may receive mercy and find grace to help in time of need.” Hebrews 4:16

A Realization

She slowly guided the delicate bridal gown over her long frame, moving as if it were a fragile china cup. The dress fit her perfectly, enhancing her natural beauty. The cathedral length veil held the drama she had hoped for, and I thought my heart might explode when I saw the joy captured on her face. This was going to be a day to remember, as Rebekah and Ryan became husband and wife.

A lump formed in my throat as my chest grew tight, and I didn’t hold back the bittersweet tears. Though I was thrilled she was marrying Ryan, I realized she wasn’t mine anymore. From this day forward, our relationship would be different.

Rebekah and I shared a deep bond; talking was “our thing.” We shared coffee dates with meaningful conversation. She prattled on about her friends, her struggles, and her beau. We chatted every Sunday for the four years she was away at college. We laughed hysterically as she regaled her adventures at university, and we cried together when she was overwhelmed and lonely.

I prayed for her as she drove those seven hours, either to campus or back home, all alone, checking my phone app often to make sure she was safe. I wondered, was it even wise to allow a young woman to travel alone, for such a long distance?

The day we dropped her at the far-away place, we sat through the welcome service at her Christian college and tears rolled down our cheeks. I scrounged through my purse, digging for more tissues as waves of unexpected grief crashed through our morning. We wept through the service, wiping away tears with our lunch napkins, mostly trying to avert the gaze of onlookers, and we bawled as we drove away leaving our baby, to figure it all out, alone. It was a melancholy seven-hour ride home. I’ll never forget the look on her fragile face as we drove away. She seemed much too young to be in this big world by herself, in a place where she had no one to cling to.

How would we ever get used to the distance between us? What was I going to do without Rebekah? Within the first semester, she wasn’t sure she would survive her new world. Between the drama with a friend group, annoyance with a roommate, and a longing for the familiar, she persevered through the usual growing pains of college.

Rebekah got braver and more involved, and tried new things, as she began to grow. She ventured away from home and discovered who she was, developing her strengths as a leader and learning significant life lessons in this protected community. During her sophomore year, our girl reconnected with Ryan, whom she had met at church camp when they were fourteen and sixteen, and they fell in love.

I dreamed of having grown kids nearby; we would have coffee dates and family dinners, and sleepovers with grandkids and “cousin camp” would be part of our routine. High hopes and expectations ruled my days, but my dream of having this one near was not to be.

Fast forward to her wedding day, my dreams shattered as reality dawned, she had built a life with Ryan, far away, and it hurt. My vision of having her near was gone as they began their professional careers, bought a house, and a dog, 437 excruciatingly long miles away from me.

What’s a midlife mom to do with a heart full of expectations for her kids? How in the world does she shift from this leading role in her child’s life to a supportive role where her adult child is now free to make their own choices?

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