How To Feel Less Weary With God

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How To Feel Less Weary With God

Are you tired? Worn out? Burned out on religion? Come to me. Get away with me and you’ll recover your life. I’ll show you how to take a real rest. Walk with me and work with me-watch how I do it. Learn the unforced rhythms of grace. I won’t lay anything heavy or ill-fitting on you. Keep company with me and you’ll learn to live lightly and freely. Matthew 11:28-30 MSG

Endless Work

Jessica arrives at church when the Pastor taps her on the shoulder and says, “Hey, Amy didn’t show up for nursery today. Can you do it?” “Of course,” she quips but inside she feels a little resentful. “They’ve asked me again. Why can’t they ask someone else?” she thinks.

She runs through her mental checklist of chores she needs to do this afternoon before her small group meets tonight. She has impeccable standards for her home. Everything is organized and in place. She cannot rest until everything is perfect. Deep down, she’d love to take a nap, but there’s not time for rest today.


She’s capable, driven, and likes to control outcomes. She believes the heart of loving God is to serve. She’s more comfortable doing things for God than being with God. Shame makes her hide behind her service for God. She’s afraid God will be disappointed in her if she shows up as herself. She feels she’s not enough.

Secretly, she is resentful of the other women who don’t do as much. She’s weary and burned out, tired of striving to earn God’s love. There must be more to this relationship with God, she thinks. She needs to reframe what it means to love God.

A Look At Weariness

We’re shifting gears on the blog for the next few months as we look at the issue of weariness. Everywhere I go I meet Christian women who are utterly exhausted. No wonder their connection with God is minimal. They’re completely spent and have nothing left to give to Him. They work, serve and try hard to earn God’s love and favor but never learn to relax in God’s presence. They carry shame and believe their service to God replaces their connection with God.

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How To Feel Closer to God Again

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How To Feel Closer to God Again

“I will never fail you. I will never abandon you.” -Hebrews 13:5

We’ve all felt the longing for more of God, and when the distance between us has widened, it hurts. How is it God is both within us and all around, yet He feels so far off some days? If He never changes and promises His presence with us always then it must be about our proximity and awareness of Him.

About a decade ago, I sat amongst a group of church leaders, dutifully listening to the speaker. The day had gotten long, and I was eager to retreat for the evening. The speaker quoted a prominent national youth leader, and I never forgot the statement.

“If God seems far away, go back to where you left Him.”- Jeannie Mayo

I sat with the statement and mulled it over. It was the first time I truly understood that my connection with God was my responsibility. It wasn’t my church’s, my spouse, or a matter of circumstance. If God seemed far away, I was the one who moved, not Him. All I had to do was simply go back to where I left Him. Does this resonate with you, reader?

Somehow, in the church, we’ve gotten this wrong. We toss God aside as we elevate our service to Him. I’ve noticed most Christian women are content doing things for God instead of being with God. The busyness and service make us justify the distance because we’re doing _________ for God and surely He’s pleased with our service.

Sweet friends, God wants you. He loves you and cherishes being near you. He hopes for life-giving conversations about all the things that matter to you. His love is poured out in the context of relationship and connection. His character is revealed, and His purposes are laid out as you meet with Him. There are things God wants you to know about Him, your life, and your future.

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Vulnerability Leads Us to Deep Connection With God

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Vulnerability Leads Us to Deep Connection With God

“Trust in him at all times, you people; pour out your hearts to Him for God is our refuge.” - Psalm 62:8

Honest Prayers

I’m in my usual early morning spot with God, curled up on my pretty orange bird chair. I’m tucked under a blanket with a cup of coffee, my Bible, and my journal. I carry deep sadness today. I had a challenging night with pain. I awake with another headache. It goes up the back of my head and lands on my forehead. It feels like hot coals on the inside. I must have slept weird again. Why or why can’t I train my body to land the right way when I’m sleeping, so I don’t wretch my neck? I try to massage the knots, but they never go away.

I want a good night’s sleep. I want the pain to end. Six years of pain feels unbearable, especially from a car accident that isn’t my fault. A distracted driver rear-ends me, and I’m stuck with endless ache. I still see the two young men laughing as I look in the rearview mirror after impact. Today, it feels like too much to bear.

I don’t talk to God about my pain lately. I have in the past, but His silence and inactivity keep me from bringing it up. It seems like my prayers for relief have bounced off the ceiling for years. But today, I’m weary. I don’t think I can do this anymore.

So, I bravely pour out my frustration with prolonged suffering. I release my anger and sense of abandonment. I voice my contempt as hot tears fall. “Why won’t you rescue me, God? I believe in Your power! I’ve seen You do miracles and yet You do nothing for my pain! I read through the New Testament of Jesus’ miracles and His compassion towards the sick. When is it my turn? When will You turn and be gracious to me? Why God? Why?”

It’s like a release valve is opened as I honestly talk to God about my disappointment.

I sit quietly and catch my breath. Piles of crumpled Kleenex rest on my Bible. Instead of feeling abandoned, I feel relieved. It feels good to get it off my chest. Sweet peace settles over me and I hear God speak.

I hear His gentle voice, “I’m so glad we’re talking about this. I like it when you tell me how you feel. You don’t have to hide a thing from Me. Pour it out. I’m here.”

I’m learning to receive God’s grace in my most vulnerable places. I don’t have to hide my emotional or physical discomfort from Him anymore. I’m taught to trust His ways.

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What You Believe About God Matters

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What You Believe About God Matters

“But you, O God, are both tender and kind, not easily angered, immense in love, and you never, never, quit. You look me in the eye and show kindness. Psalm 86:15-16 MSG

Missed Connection

Melissa settles on the porch, a cup of coffee in hand, and her Bible. “Here we go again God,” she thinks. She picks up the Bible with its pristine pages. The binding is still stiff from lack of use. “When will I ever figure this out?” she thinks. She knows God is near, but she’s not sure He’s interested in her.

Melissa has had a few encounters with God. She’s had glimpses of His love but most of the time she’s confused and would rather avoid Him.

Her life had been a whirlwind of mistakes, missteps, and regret. Shame is her constant companion. How could she possibly be near a Holy God with the choices she’s made?

She wonders where she should read when she picks up her Bible. She feels uncomfortable, inadequate, and overwhelmed, but she knows it would be a good thing for her to do.

She feels less than, empty, and lost.

She’s confident God is disappointed in her. She’ll let Him down just like everyone else in her life.

She closes her Bible and sighs in disgust. Sadness and defeat are mirrored in her eyes. “This will never work,” she thinks.

What we believe about God matters. We can see Melissa struggles with her view of God. She doesn’t believe in His goodness or faithfulness. She’s projecting her lack unto Him.

As we desire to build a loving union with God it’s important to evaluate what we believe about Him. Have you ever thought about what you believe about God?

These are helpful questions to ask yourself.

  • Is He good?

  • Is He loving?

  • Is He patient?

  • Is He faithful?

  • Is He trustworthy?

  • Is He kind?

  • Is He compassionate

  • Is He demanding?

  • Is He aloof?

  • Is He harsh?

  • Is He angry?

  • Is He disappointed?

  • Is He uncaring?

  • Is He impatient?

Who Is God?

How we answer these questions reveals what we believe. What we believe is how we will act towards God. If we believe He is good, we’ll move closer. If we believe He’s harsh, aloof, or uncaring, we’ll recoil and avoid Him.

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Best Blog Posts of 2020

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Best Blog Posts of 2020


For December I’m highlighting some of my favorite posts from 2020. I hope this encourages you.

How to Feel Secure When You’re Upset

As we look at what it means to be secure in Christ, we need to remember it’s not just physically, but emotionally. When the circumstances in our lives are filled with pressure and we feel trapped by pain, loss, despair, or anxiety, there’s a place we can go for sweet relief.

“He brought me out into a spacious place; he rescued me because He delighted in me.”

Psalm 18:19

I’m Emotionally Spent

I’m feeling the weight of it all today. This diagnosis has robbed my husband, Bob, of the ability to speak clearly; his mobility is taxed and his energy drained. Bob’s anxiety shoots through the roof as he wakes up each day with different limitations. Chronic Progressive Multiple Sclerosis is a thief robbing him of his ability to work, provide, and engage in everyday life.

He retreats to his bed often, spent from emotional and physical exhaustion. Normally, he would push through exhaustion. He’s hard-headed, driven to accomplish tasks, and values hard work, however, his body defies his request to produce.

I’m left carrying the load with our three small children. The days feel long. I want to return to our old lives. This medical nightmare leaves me feeling alone and misunderstood. My days are filled with cooking, cleaning, parenting, and trying to navigate this ever-changing disease with my husband. There are new pressures and stress as we look forward to a disease with no cure. We face doctors who make educated guesses on how to treat the unending symptoms of memory loss, muscle spasms, tremors, and continuous nerve damage.

Each day I sneak away to a spacious place where God rescues me from worry, doubt, and fear. It’s not my reality, but by faith, I can confirm it’s existence. It’s a quiet place where Papa and I meet. I pour out my anguish, lost dreams, and endless trials. I unload my fears for the future, as the weight begins to lift. I rehearse the promises from scripture, and I hold on to hope, even when my reality is hopeless. I meditate on God’s goodness and character.

Being with Him, in this roomy space, helps me focus less on my troubles. Isn’t that the point of this walk with God, more of Him and less of me?

See, I imagine me and Papa in this perfect, expansive spot. This boundless area is void of sorrow and trouble. In my mind, it’s a meadow, full of flowers; the sun shines bright as God whispers His love. Other days I imagine a majestic mountain top, where God has brought me to sit with Him.

He stays with me and holds me. He tells me I’m seen. He speaks of His delight in me, which I can hardly believe because I’m just trying to hold it all together. He says, “Please don’t feel you must hold it all together, that’s my job. Your job is surrender.” I sigh and once again, release control, understanding, and will.

He assures me of His love and compassion in the messy middle of hardship. When I cry, “God, I can’t do this,” He lovingly asks me the same question. “Do you trust Me?” As warm tears roll down my cheeks, I whisper, “I do.”

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Best Blog Posts of 2020

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Best Blog Posts of 2020

For the month of December, I’m sharing some of my bests posts of 2020! Be encouraged, Beloved Friends!

She Loves God But He Seems Distant

I’ve been thinking about this woman a lot. Maybe you know her?

She loves God. She’s walked with Him for many years, but she’s tired. She’s tired of the same old relationship. She keeps trying to work her way to Him by doing all the right things. She’s diligent but utterly frustrated. Deep down she feels empty but doesn’t know what to do.

She loves God, but He seems distant and she can’t figure out why. She’s gone through her mental checklist:

  • I’m serving Him by giving of my time, gifts, and finances. Check.

  • I attend church regularly. Check.

  • I throw up some prayers in the morning. Check

  • I try to get along with my husband. Check.

  • I’m raising these kids the best I know-how. Check.

  • I try to read the Bible. Check.

Yet, even after doing all these things for God, she’s not quite connecting with God. She reads her Bible, but there’s no wonder jumping off the pages. She can’t always relate to the stories or understand how they apply to her. She tries to listen for God’s voice, but mostly she hears the lies of condemnation and shame, or she hears nothing at all. This reinforces her lack, which causes her to move farther away from God.

She’s praying about things, deep things, hard things, and yet it feels like her prayers bounce off the ceiling. She’s begged, pleaded, even bargained with God, and still, He doesn’t answer her prayers the way she wants, so she assumes He’s mad at her.

She longs for something deeper and richer but is frustrated with how to get there. The formulas fall flat, the awe of God is gone. She feels alone, isolated, and disappointed in her relationship with God.

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Vulnerability Brings Us Closer to God

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Vulnerability Brings Us Closer to God

“We come closer to God and approach him with an open heart, fully convinced that nothing will keep us at a distance from him.” -Hebrews 10:22 TPT

Honest Conversation With God

It’s late afternoon, in early spring, as I peer at the clouds outside my window. The grey day amplifies the dreariness in my heart; I cannot shake the sadness, as melancholy has is my unwelcome companion. My sunny disposition is buried in the loss of people, comfort, and health.

We are four weeks into the pandemic, and I have only left the house once a week for groceries and once a week on Sundays to go record the live stream message with my hubby, the pastor.

I crawl into my favorite chair in my office. I wrap myself in a cozy blanket, and I weep. The floodgates open as I unload my grief. I don’t even recognize it as grief, at first. I miss people. I miss connection and conversation. I’m worried about our grown kids. Will my elderly parents with fragile bodies survive this pandemic? I am also overwhelmed by the political upheaval in our nation. I pour out my sadness to Papa.

I don’t have to pretend with Papa. He already knows everything that’s going on inside. He doesn’t judge me or condemn me. I hear Him whisper, “Go ahead and cry, Honey. I’m right here. I know this is scary and unfamiliar. I know you miss all your people immensely, but I’m here, I’m with you. I’ll help you through this.”

I feel the warmth of God’s peace as real as my cozy blanket. I’m going to keep coming back to this place whenever I’m overwhelmed. Papa’s love calms me best. I’m glad I can be honest with Him. I’m thankful for His loving-kindness towards me in my pain.

God is Safe

There is nothing blocking us from being close to God because Jesus covers our shame. We are safe with God. He allows us to draw near with the full assurance of His love. The Father is happy to see us, but He’s not looking for the cleaned-up version of ourselves. He wants us to be “real.” He’s not looking for the Sunday morning, mask-wearing version. You know, the one that is polished, perfect, and says “I’m fine!” That version rarely draws near to God.

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Jesus Bore our Shame So We Can Be Close to God

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Jesus Bore our Shame So We Can Be Close to God

“Fixing our eyes on Jesus, the author and perfecter of faith, who for the joy set before Him endured the cross, despising the shame, and has sat down at the right hand of the throne of God.”- Hebrews 12:2

As we move forward with learning to be vulnerable to God, we must talk about how shame affects our relationship with our Creator. Shame keeps us from connection with God.

My Companion, Shame

I arrive early to high school and hear a commotion in the gym. I quietly open a side door so as to not draw attention and peer inside. The gym is filled with excited students, all standing at different tables with the State signs lifted high. It’s Student Council elections and oh, how I wish I was amidst the crowd of students. I’m organized, competent, and friendly, all the qualities necessary for leadership, but no one knows that about me.

Shame won’t allow me to join. Shame has been my constant companion for many years ever taunting me, crushing my heart, and making me feel small and worthless. She’s like a heavy, itchy coat I need to take off, but she keeps me safe, ever hidden, never exposed. She also hinders my ability to connect or belong.

Shame speaks loudly and harshly, filling my mind with words of condemnation. “You’re not good enough.” “If only they knew.” Shame belittles and lies. But I’m not strong enough to recognize the lies, so I continue to wear the uncomfortable coat.

Shame shapes every interaction I have with people. It makes me afraid to try new things for fear of rejection. Oh, how I resent those who are fearless. See, shame tells me I must pretend as I plaster on the smile and the optimistic outlook. Can they see the sadness behind my eyes? Is my brokenness amplified in their brave confidence? If they knew what was hidden inside, they’d want nothing to do with me.

Shame tells me I’m flawed, there’s no good in me. I imagine these kids in the gym come from beautiful families, where a peaceful conversation is held around the dinner table. They don’t go to sleep listening to the alcoholic step-dad arguing with their mom. If they knew what my home was like, they’d reject me, so instead, I hide.

Meeting Jesus at age twenty-one changes everything. I’m told He bore my sin and shame Himself. He literally took it for me. Jesus bore my shame on the cross, so I can draw near to God. God sees me as beautiful, cherished, lovely because Jesus stands between me and God. Jesus covers the ugliness of my sin and shame. It’s the best news I ever heard.

Brene Brown says, “People who aren’t good with vulnerability are usually really good at shame.”

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It's Safe to Be Vulnerable With God

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It's Safe to Be Vulnerable With God

“Behold you delight in truth in the inward being, and you teach me wisdom in the secret heart.”- Psalm 51:6

Vulnerability With God

As we grow in our intimate connection with God it’s important to learn to be vulnerable with God. Some believe vulnerability makes us weak or feel out of control. Others are afraid to be vulnerable with God because shame tells them they are not worthy. The truth is vulnerability is the gateway to connection.

When I was going through a particularly stressful season in our ministry life, I learned about the vulnerability of King David as described in the Psalms. David’s words are raw, honest, almost painful in their vulnerability. He pours out his heart to God like nothing I’ve ever seen. He would become the model I used for my relationship with God.

Let’s look at an example: Psalm 142:1-7

“I cry aloud to the Lord; I lift up my voice to the Lord for mercy. I pour out my complaint before him; before him, I tell my trouble. When my spirit grows faint within me, it is you who know my way. In the path where I walk men have hidden a snare for me. Look to my right and see; no one is concerned for me. I have no refuge. No one cares for my life.

I cry to you, Lord; I say, “You are my refuge, my portion, in the land of the living. Listen to my cry, for I am in desperate need; rescue me from those who pursue me, for they are too strong for me. Set me free from my prison, that I may praise your name. Then the righteous will gather about me because of your goodness to me.”

David is experiencing deep sorrow. He feels abandoned and in need. He feels emotionally exhausted and weak, but instead of hiding from God, he runs to God and pours it all out. There’s no hesitation, or mask. David feels seen, understood, and heard. He then goes on to declare the goodness of God. What a beautiful way to relate to God.

In her book, Daring Greatly, Brene Brown says this about vulnerability:

“Our rejection of vulnerability often stems from associating it with dark emotions like fear, shame, grief, sadness, and disappointment-emotions that we don’t want to discuss, even when they profoundly affect the way we live, love, and work. Vulnerability is the birthplace of love, belonging, joy, courage, empathy, and creativity. It is the source of hope, empathy, accountability, and authenticity. If we want greater clarity in our purpose or deeper and more meaningful spiritual lives, vulnerability is the path.”

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She Loves God, But She's A Little Tired.

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She Loves God, But She's A Little Tired.

e been thinking about this woman a lot. Maybe you know her?

She loves God. She’s walked with Him for many years, but she’s tired. She’s tired of the same old relationship. She keeps trying to work her way to Him by doing all the right things. She’s diligent but utterly frustrated. Deep down she feels empty but doesn’t know what to do.

She Loves God, But He Seems Distant

She loves God, but He seems distant and she can’t figure out why. She’s gone through her mental checklist:

  • I’m serving Him by giving of my time, gifts, and finances. Check.

  • I attend church regularly. Check.

  • I throw up some prayers in the morning. Check

  • I try to get along with my husband. Check.

  • I’m raising these kids the best I know-how. Check.

  • I try to read the Bible. Check.

    Yet, after doing all these things for God, she’s not quite connecting with God. She reads her Bible, but there’s no wonder jumping off the pages. She can’t always relate to the stories or understand how they apply to her. She tries to listen for God’s voice, but mostly she hears the lies of condemnation and shame, or she hears nothing at all. This reinforces her lack, which causes her to move farther away from God.

    She’s praying about things: deep things, hard things, and yet it feels like her prayers bounce off the ceiling. She’s begged, pleaded, even bargained with God, and still, He doesn’t answer her prayers the way she wants, so she assumes He’s mad at her.

    She longs for something deeper and richer but is frustrated with how to get there. The formulas fall flat, the awe of God is gone. She feels alone, isolated, and disappointed in her relationship with God.

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I'm Assured God Works For Good In Every Situation

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I'm Assured God Works For Good In Every Situation

In the midst of pandemics and social injustice, it seems ridiculous to mention, my tailbone, but here I am. For a few years in my early forties, I practiced Pilates. Pilates is a workout of stretching and toning. It’s low impact and seems good for this reluctant exerciser. A lot of the moves are performed sitting on your tailbone. As a result of these exercises, I develop a bone spur on my tailbone. I know, go ahead and laugh, because I think it’s absurd too.

It’s been ten years since the spur first developed. Removing it isn’t an option because it’s risky surgery, but, hey, it only hurts when I sit or lie. I’ve tried a few different coccyx cushions, but it’s embarrassing lugging those around, so I shift in my chair; surprisingly, soft chairs cause more pain than hard.

Adding insult to injury, I was rear-ended in 2014, on a sunny September day, which left me with chronic neck and mid-back pain. During months of doctoring, I also discovered I have rare thoracic scoliosis. My once healthy body seems to reject healing.

After years of therapy, massages, chiropractic care, and non-traditional treatments I gave up on pursuing healing via medical doctors. The physical pain of varying degrees is now a part of my daily life.

As a normally joyful, optimistic person, I don’t mention my pain often. I don’t see the point in wallowing in it or bringing it up. If I’m having a rough day, my hubby knows, and he’s faithful to pray for me.

I believe in the healing power of God. I’ve witnessed miracles of healing and restoration, personally. It’s a little bone spur, and the God of the universe could flick it off if He wanted, and yet, He does not.

There are seasons where I cry out to God for healing and others where I remain silent. If I’m honest, on my worse days, I feel disappointed and overlooked. It’s on my low days, Papa and I talk; I confess my frustrations and am met with bundles of compassion for God is familiar with pain. He is equally present with me in my joy and my pain. As we talk, He leads me back to the truth from His Word about His goodness.

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How To Feel Secure When You're Upset

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How To Feel Secure When You're Upset

As we look at what it means to be secure in Christ, we need to remember it’s not just physically, but emotionally. When the circumstances in our lives are filled with pressure and we feel trapped by pain, loss, despair, or anxiety, there’s a place we can go for sweet relief.

“He brought me out into a spacious place; he rescued me because He delighted in me.” -Psalm 18:19

Pressure

I’m feeling the weight of it all today. This diagnosis has robbed my husband, Bob, of the ability to speak clearly; his mobility is taxed and his energy drained. Bob’s anxiety shoots through the roof as he wakes up each day with different limitations. Chronic Progressive Multiple Sclerosis is a thief robbing him of his ability to work, provide, and engage in everyday life.

He retreats to his bed often, spent from emotional and physical exhaustion. Normally, he would push through exhaustion. He’s hard-headed, driven to accomplish tasks, and values hard work, however, his body defies his request to produce.

I’m left carrying the load with our three small children. The days feel long. I want to return to our old lives. This medical nightmare leaves me feeling alone and misunderstood. My days are filled with cooking, cleaning, parenting, and trying to navigate this ever-changing disease with my husband. There are new pressures and stress as we look forward to a disease with no cure. We face doctors who make educated guesses on how to treat the unending symptoms of memory loss, muscle spasms, tremors, and continuous nerve damage.

Each day I sneak away to a spacious place where God rescues me from worry, doubt, and fear. It’s not my reality, but by faith, I can confirm it’s existence. It’s a quiet place where Papa and I meet. I pour out my anguish, lost dreams, and endless trials. I unload my fears for the future, as the weight begins to lift. I rehearse the promises from scripture, and I hold on to hope, even when my reality is hopeless. I meditate on God’s goodness and character.

Being with Him, in this roomy space, helps me focus less on my troubles. Isn’t that the point of this walk with God, more of Him and less of me?

See, I imagine me and Papa in this perfect, expansive spot. This boundless area is void of sorrow and trouble. In my mind, it’s a meadow, full of flowers; the sun shines bright as God whispers His love. Other days I imagine a majestic mountain top, where God has brought me to sit with Him.

He stays with me and holds me. He tells me I’m seen. He speaks of His delight in me, which I can hardly believe because I’m just trying to hold it all together. He says, “Please don’t feel you must hold it all together, that’s my job. Your job is surrender.” I sigh and once again, release control, understanding, and will.

He assures me of His love and compassion in the messy middle of hardship. When I cry, “God, I can’t do this,” He lovingly asks me the same question. “Do you trust Me?” As warm tears roll down my cheeks, I whisper, “I do.”

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A Series About Forgiveness: I Forgive You

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A Series About Forgiveness: I Forgive You

This is a series on the power of forgiveness. Go to last week’s post to read my family’s story. As we begin to walk in our true identity in Christ, we understand we are forgiven. Since we are forgiven, Christ also requires us to extend forgiveness to others.

“Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you.” Ephesians 4:32

A canopy of gold and red hangs above our heads as we meet at the park on this glorious October day. I sense God’s presence as I walk into a holy moment, one that changes the trajectory of my life. The sun shines brightly against the cornflower blue sky reminding me of the goodness of God. He is our light in the darkness, and I experience this truth profoundly in the weeks following the tragedy. This is the first time I will see Al’s face since the shooting.

Just two months earlier, I’m filled with rage towards my step-dad, Al. It’s been a slow boil for years as the devastation of alcohol abuse has wrung me out. The thought of him makes my stomach churn. The endless bottles of alcohol, his slurred speech, the ensuing arguments. The sad, emptiness in his eyes, as he’s in denial about his drinking. I find his behavior weak, repulsive, and I feel justified in my anger. I’m only nineteen but both my father and step-dad succumb to alcoholism, and I’m simply fed up. I should have compassion for his brokenness, but I only feel disgusted. I mean, come on, he shot my mom. Surely that warrants hatred? I am confident in my stance.

Until God interrupts my hatred!

The only explanation I have for my parent’s reconciliation is surrender and divine intervention. My step-dad surrenders in jail, while my mom has her own “come to Jesus” moment at home recovering from surgery. A local pastor’s wife reaches out to my mom, and they build a friendship. My mom is equally exhausted from a life of co-dependence being married to two alcoholics. Her first marriage ends because of my dad’s drinking. Her father is also a recovered alcoholic, which likely contributes to the familiarity of it all. She does not want this marriage to end in divorce.

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I Am Accepted By God As His Child

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I Am Accepted By God As His Child

“But to all who believed him and accepted him, he gave the right to become children of God.” -John 1:12

Many of us carry the scars of rejection and at our deepest core, we long to be accepted. We scan the horizon looking for proof of our acceptance only to feel rejected again. Jesus provides the way for acceptance as we become children of God.

I Am Accepted By God

The Christmas Eve program rehearsals are well underway in our tiny church. The church ladies demand respect and hard work. We rehearse the songs and study our lines well. This is no amateur show. These ladies’ reputations are on the line, and they don’t want any kids to make them look like they’re unprepared for this holiest evening.

Christmas Eve brings everyone to church even those who aren’t faithful the rest of the year. Everyone comes in their new Christmas attire and the kids gather in the basement classrooms while parents and guests are seated in the sanctuary.

The kids wait in their tiny rooms with their teachers. There is lots of excited, wiggly energy. A shy child who doesn’t want to perform clings anxiously to her mother. The Momma peels her distraught child off her leg and races upstairs in the hope the child will calm down. A flustered teacher is left to deal with the fallout of tears.

I have a special role this year. I get to play Mary, the mother of Jesus. I’m a little kindergartener, with a pixie haircut, wrapped in a white tunic with a rope belt tied around my tiny waist. The blue satin headpiece is a thing of my dreams. It’s a long rectangle piece of fabric that sits on my head and falls over my shoulders. I have to be careful when I move.

I feel pure, innocent and deeply accepted. Why would God allow me to have such an important role? I’m nobody. I sing my solo with confidence and am overwhelmed at the delight and the sense of Papa’s love for me.

It’s the very first time I sense God’s acceptance of me, and I’m overcome with joy and peace. It would be another fifteen years and a lot of heartaches before I understand I’m a child of God.

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Nothing Can Separate Us From God's Love

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Nothing Can Separate Us From God's Love

“And I am convinced that nothing can ever separate us from God’s love. Neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither our fears for today nor our worries about tomorrow not even the powers of hell can separate us from God’s love. No power in the sky above or in the earth below-indeed, nothing in all creation will ever be able to separate us from the love of God that is revealed in Christ Jesus our Lord.” Romans 8:38-39

For a Moment I Felt Separated

I’m a young, inexperienced mom who’s frustrated with my sweet child. Why will this precocious three-year-old not cooperate today? Why will he not listen to the voice of reason? I feel myself start to lose control. I know I should hold it back but I can’t. Anger rises within like a beast waiting to be un-caged. I lose my temper, sling angry words at him, and yank his arm. He looks at me in shock, bursts into tears, and runs to his room.

I collapse on the floor ashamed and overwhelmed at my lack of self-control. I cry angry sobs, and I hear the leering accusations ring in my thoughts:

“You call yourself a Christian?”

“How can you even love God when you act like that?”

“You’re a complete fraud and a hypocrite!”

“You’re not even fit to be a mother.”

I’ve walked with God long enough to recognize where the thoughts come from. The Father of Lies tries to convince me my bad behavior separates me from God’s love.

I cry out to God at the moment and say, “God, please forgive me for hurting my son. Forgive me for my angry outburst and lack of self-control. Help me be the kind of mom my son needs me to be.”

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You Are Loved by God, Part 2

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You Are Loved by God, Part 2

“I have loved you even as my Father has loved me. Remain in my love.”-John 15:9

We spend our days looking for signs of love.  Am I lovable? Do you love me? People confirm it, or we feel rejected by the perceived lack of love. There are two who love us unconditionally, forever. Jesus loves us because He is loved by His Father.  Our job is to find this love and remain in it all our days.

My First Love

My twin brother and I arrive unexpectedly six-weeks early. My young mom has no idea she’s having twins until they discover me after my brother is born.  At home, it is my older brother who is not yet one year old. We are all the same age for two weeks every July! My mom is 20 years old and has three babies and is thrilled about it. 

She’s a playful, “take charge” person. She works hard as a farmer’s wife. She tends the large garden, cooks homemade meals and treats, sews our clothing, hangs wallpaper and paints, keeps a tidy house, and serves in community groups.  She’s a bright light and the life of the party but she also works hard and is a strong disciplinarian. She has one of those, “you better listen to me when I’m talking” tones.

On snow days she lets us destroy the house with our toys, and we make fun food.  I spend my childhood as her sidekick in the kitchen. There is nothing she won’t tackle. I admire her ability to produce. She loves to play the piano or listen to record albums, as music fills our home. She’s ridiculous and funny and a great actress.  

 My mom is my comfort as I plop down on my bed,  sobbing tears of rejection. She sits with me, rubs my back and lets me cry.  We have the best heart-to-heart conversations. She holds me tight and tells me everything is going to be alright. Isn’t that what a girl needs most?  In the great big world where I perceive rejection, I have someone who tells me I’m lovely and I want to be loved. I never want to disappoint her. 

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New Year: New Identity, To Know Christ

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New Year: New Identity, To Know Christ

“I want to know Christ and the power of His resurrection and the fellowship of His sufferings, being conformed to Him in His death.” -Philippians 3:10

In order for us to understand our identity in Christ, we need to know Him. The most powerful tool to use to know Christ is His Word.

An Awakening

It’s my first Mother’s Day on a perfect spring day, and I’m excited to open my present. Our first-born son is three weeks old, so I’m still healing from a c-section and deep into sleepless nights. We are in that newborn fog of parenting, each of us tries to make sense of our new roles. My hubby works long hours at the car dealership, needing to be the number one salesman each month, and I’m happy to be home with our newborn.

I excitedly open the gift and inside is a beautiful new Bible. It is pink with flowers and filled with lovely devotionals written by Godly women interspersed between the books of the Bible. I’m excited to dig in.

I’ve walked with God for four years, but something happens this spring as I open my new Bible and pour over its contents. I can’t wait for our newborn to nap so I can read the Word. I create a cozy spot on our front porch and sit in the sunshine and read. Tears pour down my cheeks and a longing in my soul is quenched as I read the Word. I know reading the Bible is important, but this is the first time in a long time I feel it’s life-giving power renew my weary soul. 

I’m hungry to know Christ, I want to understand God’s character. I want the Word to change me, to shape me into the person God has created me to be. I sense God’s nearness and His love for me overwhelms me. I never want to feel far from Him again.

Often we don’t understand our identity in Christ because we neglect our devotion to His Word. 

“Even among worship attendees less than half read the Bible daily. The only time most Americans hear from the Bible is when someone else is reading it.”-Lifeway Research

Our Bibles lay unopened and unread as we wonder why Christ seems so far off. We don’t experience our true identity in Christ because we don’t know our identity in Christ as it’s laid out in His Word.

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New Year: New Identity, Life In Christ

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New Year: New Identity, Life In Christ

“Living within you is the Christ who floods you with the expectation of glory. This mystery of Christ, embedded within us, becomes a heavenly treasure chest of hope filled with the riches of glory for his people, and God wants everyone to know it!” Colossians 1:27

As we begin this journey about identity, let’s look at how culture defines identity. Our culture tells us our worth stems from what we do, or who we are. Success, talent, money, a try-hard attitude, health, beauty, and the approval of others dictate our value. If we do all these things well, we are seen as valuable. If we lack these characteristics, we are seen as invaluable. 

When we are in Christ our identity flows from His goodness and is not dependent on us or others. He is the source of our identity. To understand what Christ has done for us, we need to start from when Christ first comes to dwell with us.

The Sweetest Surrender

The young pastor preaches passionately for a large group of wiggly teens in Calvin Klein jeans and Reeboks. This is the first time I’m exposed to the message of salvation in Christ. At church youth group, I feel out of place and different from everyone there. I sense God drawing me to Himself, but there is a wall of shame and brokenness I hide behind and not even God’s love can penetrate it. I’m not good enough or worthy to be near God. I feel like an outcast in this group of squeaky clean church kids. From the outside, I seem alright, but my home life is difficult with my stepfather’s alcoholism. If they only knew.

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Let Delight Motivate You to Meet With God

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Let Delight Motivate You to Meet With God

“Delight yourself in the Lord and He will give you the desires of your heart.”- Psalm 37:4

Have you ever thought about your motivation for meeting with God? Do you do it out of duty,  obligation, or is delight the reason to sit with Papa? The reason we chose to commune with God matters and when we operate out of delight, we will sense the Father’s love and in turn, feel closer to Him.

A Different Approach

This day I try something different during my morning devotions.  Instead of journaling my usual prayer requests and reading the Word, I chose to sit in God’s presence and sense His delight. It fills my heart with joy as I imagine my good Papa pleased with me. I revel in who He is and admire all the things I love about Him.  I praise Him for His goodness, faithfulness, love, peace, protection, provision, guidance, and wisdom.  

I meditate on all the beautiful qualities of His character and I rest in His love for me. In spite of my sin, bad habits, shortcomings, and failures, God delights in me and that truly makes me want to love and serve Him better. I’m amazed at the joy and peace that washes over my soul.  

This quiet morning, I don’t want anything from Him, except to be with Him. I sense His delight and my heart burst with anticipation.  I delight in Him and He delights in me. It’s the same feeling I have when I connect well with my husband or a close friend. It’s too wonderful to comprehend.

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List the Gifts To Feel Close to God

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List the Gifts To Feel Close to God

Even though we are past Thanksgiving season, I want to carry gratitude into the rest of my days because the practice of keeping a gratitude list holds the key to feel close to God. The discipline of writing down a list each day changed me.

My Gray World

I sit in the dim early morning hours frustrated, empty, prayers don’t come. God seems far away. I open the Word but nothing speaks to me. The world feels grey. Where is the joy? Am I bored? Where has my usual sunny disposition gone? I feel unsettled, so unlike myself. God seems far away and I’ve lost the wonder. What can I do? Something needs to change.

I remember the book, One Thousand Gifts by Ann Voskamp.  There had been a buzz about it in Christian circles, and I knew I needed to read it; maybe it held a key.  I devoured the book then invited a few friends over to watch the video series with me. Her words captured me. She’s an artist and poet and spoke vulnerably of the pain she experienced, and how God showed her Himself through the act of keeping a gratitude journal. The book and practice of gratitude would change me forever and bring me closer to God.

“Gratitude bestows reverence, allowing us to encounter everyday epiphanies, those transcendent moments of awe that change forever how we experience life and the world.”-Sarah Ban Breathnach 

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