Why You Need A New Way Of Thinking To Release Expectations

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Why You Need A New Way Of Thinking To Release Expectations

“Don’t copy the behavior and customs of this world, but let God transform you into a new person by changing the way you think. Then you will learn to know God’s will for you, which is good and pleasing and perfect.” Romans 2:12

Tearful Talk

I plopped down next to my oldest son, Keenan as he rested his achy joints. A battle with arthritis had significantly affected his young body. Often he needed to stretch out because sitting exacerbates his pain. “You all right, Bud?” I asked with warm eyes. “Yes, I’m just stretching.” I pulled a blanket over my legs, as a cool breeze floated through an open window.

“You okay, mom?” he asked as he sensed my melancholy. “Yea, I’m okay, just a little sad that we have to leave again. You know this part is hard for me. When you were little I never imagined our family would be spread across the country like this,” I whispered, as warm tears rolled down my cheeks.

With the wisdom of a first-born he said, “I’m sorry this is hard for you, mom, but maybe it won’t be this way forever. It’s the season in life where the kids are venturing out. We’re learning independence. It’s good for us. Maybe one day we will all live closer.” I blew my nose again and hoped what he said would come true.

I never thought what our family would look like once the kids were grown. Perhaps I was in denial? I never thought about the future beyond their growing up years. I assumed we would all live somewhere in Minnesota, our home state. Yet, here we are, with five grown kids, spread out in Illinois, Minnesota, Missouri, Iowa and soon to be Utah. One child will be nineteen hours away.

I honestly didn’t see that coming. Perhaps you’re like me and wonder how we ended up with so much physical distance between our kids? Maybe you carry a different expectation that didn’t quite go the way you imagined. Are you shocked by it, too?

What do we do with our collective grief? How do we release expectations and come to a beautiful place of acceptance? Where is God in all of this? Does He even care about us?

The Big Book for recovery says this about expectations: “Expectations are premeditated resentments.” Ouch, momma, that one hurts, doesn’t it? We have a choice to make when it comes to our adult kids. We can require them to meet our expectations, thus making them miserable and bound, or we can lean into God’s loving hand and receive the grace to let go and accept the changes.

I cringe a little when I hear mommas say, “My kids will never leave me.” I do not believe we have the right to say such a thing. Our children are not made to meet our expectations. They are called by God to build their own lives.

What can we do to lean into God as we unravel the emotional overwhelm of releasing expectations? How do we actually lay them down? How do we quiet the demands of our selfish hearts?

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Strategies to Consider for Expectations

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Strategies to Consider for Expectations

“Let us then with confidence draw near to the throne of grace, that we may receive mercy and find grace to help in time of need.” Hebrews 4:16

A Realization

She slowly guided the delicate bridal gown over her long frame, moving as if it were a fragile china cup. The dress fit her perfectly, enhancing her natural beauty. The cathedral length veil held the drama she had hoped for, and I thought my heart might explode when I saw the joy captured on her face. This was going to be a day to remember, as Rebekah and Ryan became husband and wife.

A lump formed in my throat as my chest grew tight, and I didn’t hold back the bittersweet tears. Though I was thrilled she was marrying Ryan, I realized she wasn’t mine anymore. From this day forward, our relationship would be different.

Rebekah and I shared a deep bond; talking was “our thing.” We shared coffee dates with meaningful conversation. She prattled on about her friends, her struggles, and her beau. We chatted every Sunday for the four years she was away at college. We laughed hysterically as she regaled her adventures at university, and we cried together when she was overwhelmed and lonely.

I prayed for her as she drove those seven hours, either to campus or back home, all alone, checking my phone app often to make sure she was safe. I wondered, was it even wise to allow a young woman to travel alone, for such a long distance?

The day we dropped her at the far-away place, we sat through the welcome service at her Christian college and tears rolled down our cheeks. I scrounged through my purse, digging for more tissues as waves of unexpected grief crashed through our morning. We wept through the service, wiping away tears with our lunch napkins, mostly trying to avert the gaze of onlookers, and we bawled as we drove away leaving our baby, to figure it all out, alone. It was a melancholy seven-hour ride home. I’ll never forget the look on her fragile face as we drove away. She seemed much too young to be in this big world by herself, in a place where she had no one to cling to.

How would we ever get used to the distance between us? What was I going to do without Rebekah? Within the first semester, she wasn’t sure she would survive her new world. Between the drama with a friend group, annoyance with a roommate, and a longing for the familiar, she persevered through the usual growing pains of college.

Rebekah got braver and more involved, and tried new things, as she began to grow. She ventured away from home and discovered who she was, developing her strengths as a leader and learning significant life lessons in this protected community. During her sophomore year, our girl reconnected with Ryan, whom she had met at church camp when they were fourteen and sixteen, and they fell in love.

I dreamed of having grown kids nearby; we would have coffee dates and family dinners, and sleepovers with grandkids and “cousin camp” would be part of our routine. High hopes and expectations ruled my days, but my dream of having this one near was not to be.

Fast forward to her wedding day, my dreams shattered as reality dawned, she had built a life with Ryan, far away, and it hurt. My vision of having her near was gone as they began their professional careers, bought a house, and a dog, 437 excruciatingly long miles away from me.

What’s a midlife mom to do with a heart full of expectations for her kids? How in the world does she shift from this leading role in her child’s life to a supportive role where her adult child is now free to make their own choices?

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Lessons On Love From A Father

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Lessons On Love From A Father

“Filled with love and compassion, he ran to his son, embraced him, and kissed him.”-Luke 15:20

An Invitation to Love

Angela struggled as she watched her daughter, Jessica, walk away from the faith of her youth. Maybe it’s not so much that she walked away, as she added fresh perspectives on faith. Away from family, she was free to hear new ideas on religion, culture, and belief systems. A secular world view was presented in the college classrooms. Belief in God was scoffed at by her professors. Jessica loved God, but doubts clouded her decisions. The familiar voice of the Tempter rang in her ears, “Did God really say that?”

College life offered freedom from the restrictions and rules of her youth. Independence and free thinking wooed her away from God.

These changes alarmed Angela, but she pressed in and focused on God. One day as she sat with her Maker, in prayer, He gave her a profound revelation. She thought, “just because my daughter is making different choices, does not permit us from being close. I’m still free to love her deeply, and give the rest to God. Only the Holy Spirit can convict, convince, or teach her. My role, in that sense, is over. It is not my job anymore, now that she is an adult. My most significant job is to love her well.”

This fresh understanding buoyed Angela. It took away the feelings of shame and regret, like she had somehow parented her daughter wrong. Shame no longer plagued her, and she was free to maintain a close bond with her daughter. Worry was replaced with peace, and Angela surrendered her daughter to God, trusting His activity in Jessica’s life. All pressure was removed and devotion flowed easily,

Midlife momma, we might experience this with our adult children. They will walk away from their faith, and we will need to figure out what to do. Will we be embittered and judgmental, a Pharisee of sorts, pointing out all their wrongs? Will we lead with love? Will we allow them to wrestle with their faith without fearing they come to a different conclusion than we had hoped?

How we treat this child will likely change the trajectory of their life.

Let’s take our cues from a well known story in Luke about a father and a son. Most commentators focus on the son’s behavior, but today I want to lean in and watch what the father does. The story goes like this:

The son grew weary of being home, so he asked his father for his inheritance. The father gave it, and the son went off to live life with no restraint. He did what he wanted. He was careless and reckless. He squandered his inheritance leaving himself poor and destitute, begging for food. He remembered his father and returned home.

“So he returned home to his father. And while he was still a long way off, his father saw him coming. Filled with love and compassion, he ran to his son, embraced him, and kissed him. His son said to him, ‘Father, I have sinned against both heaven and you, and I am no longer worthy of being called your son. But his father said to the servants, ‘Quick! Bring the finest robe in the house and put it on him. Get a ring for his finger and sandals for his feet. And kill the calf we have been fattening. We must celebrate with a feast, for this son of mine was dead and has now returned to life. He was lost, but now he is found.’ So the party began. Luke 15:20-24

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Love Is The Key To Healing

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 “Hatred stirs up conflict, but love covers all wrongs.”- Proverbs 10:12


The Answer Is Love

Wendy and I gathered in a comfy booth. She preferred tea, as I reached for my hazelnut latte. Conversation flowed easily after years of friendship; the discussion always rolled around to our kids. We have prayed about our kids together. We have shared the ups and downs of teen years and watched our young adult kids find their life partners.

I understood her heart. Motherhood was her highest calling, and she did it with purpose and grace. After coming from a fractured family unit, she wanted a close family. Her and her husband worked hard to maintain the bond with their kids. We carried identical values for our families.

Her brown eyes welled with fresh tears as she recounted her heartache. Everything had changed. Her daughter came around less often. She moved to a new city and prefers her independence. She doesn’t return home when the other kids do; she seems angry or annoyed with her family.  Wendy wondered why.  “What have I done? I’m so concerned for her.  What should I do?”  

She wrestled with feelings of inadequacy, shame, loss of connection.  She never imagined her adult child would feel so distant. After years of praying for her kids, she wondered how she ended up in this spot?  “Where is God in it?” she pleaded.

I reached for her hand and willed hope to rise in her heart. “I know it hurts. I know you’re confused, but I believe there’s one thing we can give our kids. It’s love. We have to love them through it.”

Love is the key to healing. Love is the path to restoration.

As children of God, love must be our guiding action.  Instead of defensiveness, control, correction, or manipulation, could we, instead, lead with love?  See, love covers (Proverbs 10:12). It doesn’t point out the wrongs, or give disapproving glances. It covers, protects, shields, and restores.

The Holy Spirit is the one who brings correction and conviction, and even then, He moves because of His love. There is no harshness or condemnation. It’s not who God is. But momma, you are not your adult child’s Holy Spirit. You are called to love and leave the rest to God.


Keys To Love

Here are three key passages that teach us how to love:

  •  Most important of all, continue to show deep love for each other, for love covers a multitude of sins.” - 1 Peter 4:8 This is a powerful admonition for us to show deep affection for our adult children.  We don’t point out their flaws or missteps. We don’t shame or belittle because love covers! Love is a blanket over our expectations, so instead of judging our adult kids, we adore them. Love is a person and His name is Jesus. Let’s look at our adult kids the way Jesus looks on us, with eyes of warm mercy and compassion. Let’s let the Holy Spirit bring conviction. That is not our job.

  • “So now I am giving you a new commandment: Love each other. Just as I have loved you, you should love each other.  Your love for one another will prove to the world that you are my disciples.” - John 13:34-35 Papa has given us a command to love each other.  We don’t get to withhold our devotion. God is our model for tenderness; we look to Him for clues on how to love. We are free to appreciate others the way He has loved us. His fondness is unending, enduring forever, as it reaches to the heights and depths. We can’t escape His love. Let’s not allow our adult children to be confused or unsure of our dedication to them. 

  • “Love never gives up, never loses faith, is always hopeful, and endures through every circumstance.” - 1 Corinthians 13:7 Momma, you’re going to want to quit. You’ll become weary in waiting, but love never ends.  It perseveres through hardship, disappointment, and hopelessness. No matter what your adult child faces, we can be a source of love. We must continually return to God as He pours out His love upon us.  Pray that God would reveal His great love to your adult child.  I long for my children to be overwhelmed with His love for them.  In the waiting, we trust God is revealing His devotion to their hearts and minds.

Instead of rescuing or fixing, persuading or cajoling, could we lead with love, midlife momma? Could affection be the element that draws them to you and to the heart of God? 

Do they hear love in your tone when you talk to them? Do they see affection in your eyes?  Even when they are facing challenging circumstances or their life is falling apart, we minister love. Could your devotion bring the healing they so desperately need?

Let’s pray.

Dear Papa, help me stay so close to You as You Infuse my heart with love.  May devotion overflow from You to me, then unto my adult child.  Help me set aside criticism, judgment and harshness for tenderness, compassion and support.  May my love be a healing balm in my child’s life.  Pour out Your love upon them so they can experience Your goodness. 

I’ve created a free guide for you, “Five Ways To Support Your Adult Child.” Just leave your name and email so I know where to send it.

How To Trust God

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How To Trust God

“When I am afraid, I put my trust in you. In God, whose word I praise, in God I trust; I will not be afraid. What can flesh do to me?”-Psalm 56:3-4

Desperate Situations

I reached for my phone, as my Moriah’s name appeared on the screen. “I need to get out, mom,” she said resolutely. I sighed a prayer of relief. I rearranged my schedule and drove the four and half hours to help her pack. Thoughts rolled through my head, on the tedious drive, as I flung desperate prayers to heaven. God please, let him not be there. Please help us get her packed quickly. Please heal her broken heart. Fear and relief marched side by side in my mind.

We huddled in the closet of her loft apartment in downtown Des Moines. The concrete floors were cold beneath us, indicative of the mood, as Moriah riffled through her clothes.

Hot tears streamed down her face, as anguished cries escaped her mouth. “I’ve ruined everything. My life is one big disappointment!”

I sat beside her, heartbroken and afraid. What can I do? What should I say? These questions raced through my head as my daughter prepared to leave an unhealthy relationship. I waffled between resentment and hopefulness.

I felt satisfied with her determination to acknowledge and respond to the red flags in her relationship. But at that moment, I was certain my heart would break for her vulnerable state. “You are the bravest young woman, I know.” I choked.

I held her tight, willing her to receive some of my strength. God met us there, on the frigid floor. She may not have recognized it, in her pain, but He buoyed me, as my heart sank. I had never experienced this depth of powerlessness with my child. I doubted my skills to handle it well. I was desperate for Godly wisdom.

Oh, how I wanted to rescue and fix her all those months. We had conversations about his behavior and what it meant. Deep down, I resented him, but I simply said, “if you stay, it will be hard.” I could not tell her to leave because it was not my place. She had to realize the complexities of her situation and make her own decision. By the grace of God, she did, as courage welled within her.

Midlife momma, our children will face situations where we will want to fix and rescue. We will want to scream, “Don’t do that!” but in this phase with our kids, we must hold our tongues. This will be the season we cling to God. We will trust Him.

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How Trustworthy is God?

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How Trustworthy is God?

“The LORD is my strength and my shield; in him my heart trusts, and I am helped; my heart exults, and with my song I give thanks to him.”-Psalm 28:7

Sleepless Nights

I roll over and see the red numbers of the digital clock mocking me again. It’s 4:00am, two hours until the alarm blares. I sigh heavily, hoping to turn off the thoughts rolling through my head. Sleep isn’t my friend lately. Is it menopause or is it worry? Sometimes it’s hard to tell, but tonight I’m thinking about my grown kids. They’re all navigating hard situations while I feel overwhelmed and helpless.

Keenan has been battling an undiagnosed condition for nearly a year. He’s had countless scans, blood work, and still no answers. Every joint in his body aches, and he can barely walk. His life has been drastically affected.

Moriah desperately desires a career in her field. She’s spent months hunting for jobs, and no one will take a chance on her even with a master’s degree. She’s bright, driven, creative and hard working. Her retail management position leaves her drained and unfulfilled.

Caleb is wrestling with future plans. Should he and his new bride move across the country? But, then they’ll be starting over and far from family. They need clarity for the right decision.

Rebekah holds a taxing university job and is pursuing her masters degree. Her husband works for a large church that is understaffed. They have little margin in their days and are pushed to exhaustion.

Keziah is newly married and navigating that along with a demanding role in a college ministry, a part time job, and finishing up her undergrad degree in May.

So, I toss and turn, fretting and frustrated. I can’t change anything. I am powerless to help them, but there’s one thing I can do. I can entrust them to my powerful King.

I roll out of bed and head to the quiet place. Bible in hand and a pile of snotty tissues, I pray to my trustworthy God. I recount His promises and let go, again. I exchange my fear for His confidence. I lay the burdens down as I allow my heart to trust Him.

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Beyond Tired, (Exhausted Actually).

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Beyond Tired, (Exhausted Actually).

There was a mom who was really tired. BEYOND TIRED.

She was counting down the hours to “end” her active parenting.

It had been every day for 25++ years.

She found herself sitting on the floor, covered in empty boxes, about to sleep on a futon that had been through her three other college kids and was now gracing the dorm room of her baby.

She couldn’t believe she was finally here.

But she knew why she was absolutely exhausted. Who wouldn’t be?

She lay awake thinking about ALL.THE.THINGS.

ALL. THE. THINGS.

*Q-tips covered in alcohol carefully for 10 days on each of four babies’ umbilical cords until that gross thing turned black and fell off

*Shopping with four children under seven (it was like taking four goats to the store…I “kid” you not…get it? get it? I “kid” you not)

*Sorting legos into bags by color, size and type at least 52 times (to be exact)

Playing Ms. PacMan on Nintendo 64 surrounded by eight excited eyes until she beat all the levels and killed the witch

*Filling out back-to-school forms until her eyes twitched and hands curled up in agony (can’t this be computerized school board?)

*Packing 180 (# of days in a school year) X 4 (# of kids in her house) X 13 (# of school years) lunches (equals 9,360)

*Chore charts, memory verse charts, learn-to-pee-and-poop-on-the-potty charts, and behavior charts, all complete with stickers and prizes

*Watching (or at least hearing from the kitchen) ad nauseam reruns from the Disney Channel, Nick Jr., PBS, Cartoon Network and Netflix

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I Wasn't Ready For It To Be Over

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I Wasn't Ready For It To Be Over

The “First Lasts”

As the door rolled up, I held my breath, anxiously watching as the team surged onto the field, a sea of black and gold taking their places for warm-ups in the state semi-final football game. With each jumping jack and stretch, I tried to prepare myself for the game, knowing this could be the last one--but hoping it wouldn’t be. It was our high school’s first appearance in a semi-final game in 14 years--and it was my son’s senior season. My husband and I could not have been more proud.

The beginning of the football season a few months ago officially ushered in the season of “last firsts,” and was the trigger that brought me face to face with the reality that my time with our son in our home is quickly slipping away. The last first game of the season. The last time I would watch him warm up with his teammates. The last time my son would play at his high school stadium. Ever. As the momentum shifted early in the second half of the semi-final game, it became clear this would be the final game of his high school football career.

At home that night, we wrapped him in a big hug in our living room while he fought back emotion and confessed, “I wasn’t ready for it to be over.” Acknowledging time, and an era, passing that he now understood would never return. In my mind I thought, me neither, son. And I wasn’t just thinking about football. His words perfectly captured my feelings about the season we find ourselves in.

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What To Do When An Apology Is Rejected

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What To Do When An Apology Is Rejected

Then Jesus said, “Come to me, all of you who are weary and carry heavy burdens, and I will give you rest.”- Matthew 11:28 NLT

Restless

Sarah crawls to her chair, defeated before she tries to connect with God. Her nights are filled with memories of conversations she’s had with her distant child. She hasn’t slept well for months.

They used to be so close. “What happened?” she wonders. She rehearses each conversation in her mind, doubting every word she speaks. “Should I have said this? Did I do it wrong, God? I was trying to do the right thing, but now I’m all alone.”

Hot tears stain her Bible as she continually rehearses the hurt. These thoughts run through her mind constantly, stealing her peace. She’s prayed, begged God and apologized so many times, yet her grown child remains aloof and unphased by her kind gesture.

Sarah strains to find the good in God’s Word. Hopelessness consumes her as she wades through her days in a continuous fog of pain, self-loathing, shame and doubt.

What’s a mom to do when a child won’t receive her apology? Where does she turn? How does she find peace and hope again after she’s been battered by one she’s loved deeply?

Complex Topic

This topic of apologizing is complex and difficult to navigate. Please know my heart is not to bring condemnation nor provide simple answers. Let’s wade through this topic together, extending grace as we go.

There are two camps when it comes to apologizing:

-The Prideful: They bristle and won’t budge and would never apologize to their grown children. I’ve seen it in families, and it’s caused irreparable harm in their relationship. There is distance and harshness all around.

-The Hopeless: They have apologized profusely and are left in a pile of brokenness, wishing they could change their relationship, but their child refuses their love and kindness. This is the most heartbreaking of all.

Most of us probably fall somewhere in the middle on our ability to apologize and see progress in our relationship with our adult kids. So let’s address the hopeless today because my heart breaks for these moms.

There is no greater pain than when you’ve humbled yourself before someone to apologize and they don’t accept your words. What are we to do with our bleeding heart? What does this mean for our relationship with our adult child?

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The Power of An Apology

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The Power of An Apology

“Be completely gentle and humble, be patient, bearing with one another in love.”-Ephesians 4:2

That Annoying Sound

The sound machine, on high volume, swooshed the most annoying sound. It didn’t replicate ocean waves, at all, as the high volume distorted into jarring white noise. It grated on my soul. I tossed and turned in restless fits as our infant grandson, Gus, slept peacefully. We had the only guest bedroom at Mom and Don’s condominium and we had to share with Gus because he needed a dark room and the noise machine to sleep. Everyone else was laid out on air mattresses in the living room. This was our only alternative if I wanted a comfy bed versus a lumpy air mattress.

I flipped and flopped all night long, deeply annoyed by the offensive sound. Gus was sound asleep. Couldn’t I just turn it down a little? Every time I tried, Gus woke up and Keenan, his dad, would come in and comfort him. This went on all night. I was frustrated. Keenan was agitated and we couldn’t wait for the dawn to break, so we could end this insanity.

At morning's arrival, Keenan asked to talk to me. He was livid. We sat on the edge of the bed, while everyone else was still asleep. With our bedhead and bleary-eyes, I could see the anger and hurt on his face. He told me how he felt. I was crushed by hurting him. I listened and let him pour out the pain and then I did the only thing I could do. I apologized.

I was broken for hurting him, and for being so selfish about the stupid sound machine. I had dismissed his parenting choice, which hurt him deeply. He realized he may have overreacted from the sheer exhaustion of it all. Hot tears fell, but we wrapped up the conversation with a big hug. We extended grace to each other.

Apologize, Mom

Most often the conflicts or tension we experience in our relationships are because both parts are contributing to the stress. It’s never just one or the other. As we navigate this new way of relating to our kids, it’s often hard for moms to change roles. It’s difficult to not make all the decisions anymore. Resentment can grow quickly when communication or expectations have been challenging.

The antidote for bitterness is a gentle tone and a quick apology. It diffuses conflict and brings the relationship back to civility. The tension is removed and a tone of understanding and respect returns.

Are you the kind of mom who apologizes easily or are you a bit too proud for that? Are you the mom who squares her shoulders and digs in her heels with her adult kids? Do you set your jaw and harden your heart in conflict? Conflicts will come; they’re inevitable in this season of parenting. Apologizing is helpful.

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Three Ways to Use Restraint While Listening to Your Adult Child

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Three Ways to Use Restraint While Listening to Your Adult Child

“A wise man will hear and increase in learning.” -Proverbs 1:5

Quiet Conversations

It was late at night as we gathered as a family after Keziah and Forrest’s wedding rehearsal dinner. The room was buzzing with conversation and laughter, as Keenan, our oldest son, pulled me aside and wanted to talk. Keenan’s not one for small talk and neither am I. I love to get to the heart of the matter in our conversations. We’re not afraid to be honest and vulnerable with each other. Usually our conversations involve tears because that’s how we’re wired. We sat on the kitchen stools as he started the conversation. He was animated and passionate because that’s his personality.

I didn’t agree with everything he said, but I knew the greatest gift I could give him in this moment was my undivided attention and a listening ear. I leaned in and looked him in the eye, and I saw nothing but love and compassion. I tuned out the rest of the family because this was important to him, and I wanted him to know it was important to me too.

As he spoke, I proposed in my heart to listen for understanding. I wanted to hear beyond the words to the message between the lines. I wanted to comprehend his heart. I was going to set aside my agenda, my opinion, and truly hear him.

He gave me the opportunity to share my heart too. But I did it with humility, relying on the power of God. I walked away from the conversation knowing I had heard him and validated his opinion. I leaned in, was present, and truly heard where he was at. I felt like the right thing to do.

Listen With Restraint

Listening doesn’t have to be a grin and bear it exercise, as you grit your teeth in frustration. Listening is a gift of love, an act of surrender, and a partnership with the Divine, even when your relationship with your adult child is complicated and messy. Especially when what you are hearing is different from what you believe or agree with.

Listening well communicates compassion, validation, and empathy. Paying attention is the one benefit we can freely give. It’s an opportunity for grace to flow.

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The Beauty of Listening To Your Adult Child

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The Beauty of Listening To Your Adult Child

“Understand this, my dear brothers and sisters; You must all be quick to listen slow to speak and slow to get angry.”- James 1:19

Hard Conversations

I could feel the tension in the air as we walked and talked that hot summer day. Caleb had reluctantly joined the family for a few days at our annual trip to Family Camp. I felt the resistance, and I could see the pain on his face.

This was the last place he wanted to be. He didn’t want to be boxed in by God or the church. I knew he had been wrestling with God for a few years. He was filled with doubts and probably some anger towards the church. I don’t think being a Pastor’s kid was an easy thing for him. He was now a college student and free to make his own choices, and he had picked up some new views about the world.

I asked him about his dad’s healing. “How do you explain dad’s miraculous healing from multiple sclerosis?” He looked at the ground, as we walked and said, “Science has proven the body can regenerate itself.” It felt like someone punched me in the gut! I avoided his gaze and tried to muster all the restraint I could and said, “Oh, it can, can it?” My comment was laced with sarcasm and bitterness. And that was the end of our conversation. I walked away dejected and fearful, and he left the conversation feeling frustrated. I’d blown it, for sure, when it came to listening.

A Listening Ear

As we enter this unfamiliar, supportive role in parenting our adult children, one of the greatest gifts we can give them is a listening ear. In the past we wanted to correct, instruct, and train, but those days are behind us. This is a new season which requires new skills.

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The Heart Work Required to Release Expectations

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The Heart Work Required to Release Expectations

“Create in me a pure heart, O God, and renew a steadfast spirit within me.”-Psalm 51:10

The Voice of Shame

I don’t want to face it. I’d rather hide from it, but today I’m smacked with my shame. She cuts with her remarks.

You are a failure!

You couldn’t even pray well enough for your kids!

You really messed it up, mom!

What kind of Christian are you?

I sat in a puddle of tears again, wishing, hoping, praying my child wasn’t walking away from God. This isn’t how it’s supposed to be. This isn’t the vision I had for our family.

The Holy Spirit gently whispers in my thoughts, “This isn’t about your child. I hold your child. What I want to talk about today is your heart. Let’s look at why you feel shame. It’s more about you than them.”

Honestly, facing the condition of my heart wasn’t something I wanted to do.

Wouldn't it be easier to focus on how they had let me down?

God graciously revealed areas of pride, judgement, and criticism I had allowed to grow in my heart surrounding this child. He led me to understand my expectations were harming this child. While the enemy wanted to beat me down with shame, the Holy Spirit wanted to grow me. He lovingly revealed how my motives were the things hurting this child. This was the beginning of my letting go and I didn’t experience humiliation nearly as often.

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Why Moms of Adult Kids Need Each Other

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Why Moms of Adult Kids Need Each Other

“Therefore encourage one another and build one another up, just as you are doing.”- 1 Thessolonians 5:11

Honest Conversations

We gather on a spring Saturday morning at church for a Women’s Bring Your Own Breakfast event. Many in the room are middle aged moms like me, sporting their comfy Saturday clothes. We make our way around the table and share a little about ourselves. Normally I don’t prepare anything formal for these events but today I feel led to open a discussion about our grown kids.

Gingerly, I reveal how some of my kids are far from their Maker. I’m buoyed by the strength God has given me these past fourteen years. What once would have been a discussion leaving me in tears, now feels like an invitation to my greatest calling. God has been faithful to minister to my heart this past decade, and now He is asking me to share what I’ve learned.

One by one women open up about the heartache of watching their adult child walk away from God. Tears flow and knowing glances are shared. Hopelessness and shame abound. But this morning is an opportunity to extend warmth and grace. There’s a holy hush as women share their pain.

One burdened mom says, “It feels so good to talk about it. I’ve felt so alone in this. I thought I was the only one.” I see the relief on her face and a glimmer of hope in her eyes for the first time. I want to hug her close and tell her God will help her through because our Maker loves her child even more than she does.

We Need Each Other

There’s power in being in a room where grace-filled understanding and compassion are extended. We need each other!

I’m making it my mission to normalize these conversations so moms don’t have to hide in shame anymore or live years of self-loathing because they’ve somehow ruined their child’s life.

One of the most powerful tactics the enemy uses in our lives is silence and isolation. He convinces us to keep our mouths shut as we walk through this pain. We’re left feeling like we’re the only one going through this heartache. We scroll on social media assuming every other mom our age has navigated this transition well. We compare and criticize ourselves again.

We’re filled with questions, doubts, and “if only.” We feel less than, depleted and afraid. In our isolation we are only left with our perspective, which is usually faulty. We spiral downwards and wonder why God seems so far off.

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What A Boundary Is And Why You Need It

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What A Boundary Is And Why You Need It

“Guard your heart above all else, for it determines the course of your life.”-Proverbs 4:23

Establish the Boundary

Deborah gathers her bag ready to head out for the day and sees her coworker, Julie coming toward her desk. Normally this would instill some anxiety in Deborah because Julie’s usual pattern is to not pull her weight on a project, then at the last minute she expects Deborah to finish it for her.

Julie smiles coyly and says, “Hey, Deborah, can you finish this part of our presentation? I don’t have time to get to it, and you’re so good with words. You do it so well every time.”

Deborah recognizes the tension rising in her stomach because as a people-pleaser she’s aware of her usual response. Normally she’d cave and not want to disappoint Julie. However, Deborah is weary and wants to learn new skills to let go of being a pleaser.

So this time she takes a deep breath and confronts Julie with a confident, “No, that won’t work for me, Julie. I’ll see you tomorrow.” Deborah grabs her bag and walks confidently out of the office. Butterflies swirl in her tummy, but she feels a sense of accomplishment for establishing a boundary with Julie.

Most people-pleasers have few boundaries, and this is what contributes to their weariness.


What is a boundary and why do I need it?

In the natural, we see boundaries as fences, walls, manicured lawns, and signs. A boundary communicates this is where my property begins. In the spiritual world, boundaries are just as real, but it’s hard for us to see them.

Dr. Henry Cloud describes boundaries like this:

Boundaries define us. They define what is me and what is not me. A boundary shows me where I end and someone else begins, leading me to a sense of ownership.

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Four Ways to Move Away From A Pleaser Mentality

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Four Ways to Move Away From A Pleaser Mentality

I have a treat for you today, friends. My friend, Heather Bjur offers a clinical perspective on what is happening for the pleaser. You’re going to love this!

Confronted

He looked me in the eye and very matter-of-factly said, “Heather, your persona is ugly.”

My fork, laden with that day’s salad bar offerings, stopped mid-air.

I glanced down at my lunch, having suddenly lost my appetite.

In five words, Larry Crabb exposed my deepest fear and my one tried-and-true mechanism for making life work. I wanted to appear intelligent, competent, and most of all, likeable. I thought these attributes I was pushing to the forefront were attractive, and while they are when emanating from a place of authenticity and humility, I was beginning to discover my persona had nothing to do with either.

I felt like barfing.

The Mask

Each of us operates with what Larry calls a persona: a mask that hides our true self. As we grew up, we discovered that in order to live in our environment, we needed to curb certain parts of our personalities, and magnify others. For many, myself included, that involved working hard to be pleasing to others. Sometimes this behavior is also called codependency. We all have different reasons for doing what we do; some grew up in alcoholic homes where being on guard with your best behavior was necessary for survival in the face of a drunk, angry parent. Some of us found we had more friends if we conformed to what we perceived others wanted us to be.

Whatever the underlying impetus for adopting a ‘pleaser’ mentality, there are two core truths pleasers have in common.

1. Self-Forfeiture. Our job, as children, is to learn from the adults in our lives who we are and how we fit into the world. When our family of origin is in any way dysfunctional, children are often left to ‘fend for ourselves’ emotionally, thus growing up with an emotional, and subsequently, relational deficit.

“A dysfunctional family does not acknowledge that problems exist, talk about them, or confront them. As a result, family members learn to repress emotions and disregard their own needs. They become ‘survivors.’” - From Bondage to Bonding by Nancy Groom.

To survive in a world that demands we conform to certain expectations, we quickly learn how to act, what to say, and how to maneuver to achieve some sense of stability. In this maneuvering, we forfeit who we truly are, believing we are somehow unacceptable or unlovable.

Rather than developing healthy self-esteem, people-pleasers become who they perceive others want them to be. Pia Mellody, in her book, Facing Codependence, calls this “other esteem.” What typically follows is a low sense of self-worth, self-neglect, and inability to use personal boundaries.

2. Shame. Without a solid sense of self, a child moves into adulthood with a profound sense of shame and loss which usually translates into anger. When shame, loss, and the subsequent anger remain unhealed, the pleaser struggles in relationships, often giving until they’re resentful, and become embittered at the lack of mutuality in the care offered by those who claim to be friends.

Asking for needs to be met is a significant challenge. “What if they see me as needy or vulnerable? Being needy isn’t attractive!” Just beneath the surface and driven by shame, the constant fear of rejection lies, dictating the pleaser remain silent about her desires

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How People-Pleasing Adds To Our Weariness

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How People-Pleasing Adds To Our Weariness

“I have loved you with an everlasting love. With unfailing love I have drawn you to myself.”-Jeremiah 31:3

In the Rest Over Weariness Series, we’ll spend the month of June addressing people-pleasing. It’s often the root of our exhaustion. First, let’s talk about how to identify it.

She Can’t Say No

Amanda slumps at her desk. Her shoulders hang low and her countenance reflects her frustration. She’s exhausted from her constant activity. Everywhere she turns people are asking things of her. Her aging mom needs her to take her to the store. Elizabeth, from church, can’t lead the outreach anymore and has asked Amanda to take her place. Amanda tried to say no but Elizabeth was very convincing. Besides if she said no, then Elizabeth would have a negative view of her or worse yet, she’d have to face God being disappointed in her. After all, aren’t we supposed to serve if we love God?

Her husband is late at the office again leaving Amanda to shuffle the kids about and get dinner ready on her own. The plates are left on the table, the kitchen counters are overrun with the mess of cooking dinner, and off the kids go to their rooms. Why did she agree to make the costumes for her daughter's second grade play?

She sits in silence overwhelmed and defeated. There’s no time for rest. There’s no way she can finish all the tasks she’s committed too. It’s been like this for years, and she’s certain she’ll die an angry, unappreciated, empty woman.

“If only I didn’t care so much what everyone thought of me. Why can’t I say no?” she ponders.

Are You A People-Pleaser?

Often the cause of our exhaustion is our propensity to people-please. We don’t want to let anyone down. We don’t want to inconvenience or hurt anyone’s feelings, so we push ourselves to look good in front of others, but we’re left burdened and overwhelmed.

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We Were Never Meant To Fill Every Moment With Constant Activity

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We Were Never Meant To Fill Every Moment With Constant Activity

Truly my soul finds rest in God; my salvation comes from Him.” -Psalm 62:1

Busy Blocks
Mel pulled out a notebook with a tidy graph of her daily schedule. She didn’t buy a planner like most; she made her own. It was brilliantly color coded with blocks for each time increment and the slots filled in with assignments, projects, and meetings.There was a rare open space. She was an Education major with a taxing course load. Mel was organized, focused, and capable. She was the residence hall’s assistant director where I served as a resident advisor.

I was impressed with her organizational skills. I paid attention and watched her every move. She was a kind, gracious leader. I learned everything about planning from her. Seeing her system made me come alive. It made sense to me. I, too, adopted precision and skill in ordering my days. At a glance, I could see what was required of me for the day, each week, and month.

The more squares were filled, the greater my anticipation. Those little color coded slots drove me! They pushed me to excel.They led me to over-schedule and overbook. As long as a slot was open, then that meant I was available.

I kept this unrelenting pace for years. I said yes to everyone and everything. I said yes because I could, because I had capacity. However, I never left room for rest, and I didn’t leave time for God in those early years of walking with Him. I was more concerned with my busy schedule.

Can you relate?


Welcome Margin

We were never meant to fill every moment with constant activity. We are not machines. We are humans with frail bodies and limitations. Why do we think we can push hard and not have devastating effects?

Our busy days leave us stressed-out and anxious. Like a tired, hungry child we tend to lose it and freak out at those we love the most. The solution to our harried pace is called margin.

I’m not talking about profit margin, but margin as it relates to boundaries. We create margin in our lives by building space around the busy. We plan a little room to breathe, pause, and refresh. We cannot be driven by those color coded squares. When we plan with margin, it refuels us and gives us the ability to continue. Margin is the space where we release technology, we put away our to-do list and we rest. Our days don’t require a lot of margin, but a little dose is helpful.

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How To Feel Less Weary With God

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How To Feel Less Weary With God

Are you tired? Worn out? Burned out on religion? Come to me. Get away with me and you’ll recover your life. I’ll show you how to take a real rest. Walk with me and work with me-watch how I do it. Learn the unforced rhythms of grace. I won’t lay anything heavy or ill-fitting on you. Keep company with me and you’ll learn to live lightly and freely. Matthew 11:28-30 MSG

Endless Work

Jessica arrives at church when the Pastor taps her on the shoulder and says, “Hey, Amy didn’t show up for nursery today. Can you do it?” “Of course,” she quips but inside she feels a little resentful. “They’ve asked me again. Why can’t they ask someone else?” she thinks.

She runs through her mental checklist of chores she needs to do this afternoon before her small group meets tonight. She has impeccable standards for her home. Everything is organized and in place. She cannot rest until everything is perfect. Deep down, she’d love to take a nap, but there’s not time for rest today.


She’s capable, driven, and likes to control outcomes. She believes the heart of loving God is to serve. She’s more comfortable doing things for God than being with God. Shame makes her hide behind her service for God. She’s afraid God will be disappointed in her if she shows up as herself. She feels she’s not enough.

Secretly, she is resentful of the other women who don’t do as much. She’s weary and burned out, tired of striving to earn God’s love. There must be more to this relationship with God, she thinks. She needs to reframe what it means to love God.

A Look At Weariness

We’re shifting gears on the blog for the next few months as we look at the issue of weariness. Everywhere I go I meet Christian women who are utterly exhausted. No wonder their connection with God is minimal. They’re completely spent and have nothing left to give to Him. They work, serve and try hard to earn God’s love and favor but never learn to relax in God’s presence. They carry shame and believe their service to God replaces their connection with God.

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How To Feel Closer to God Again

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How To Feel Closer to God Again

“I will never fail you. I will never abandon you.” -Hebrews 13:5

We’ve all felt the longing for more of God, and when the distance between us has widened, it hurts. How is it God is both within us and all around, yet He feels so far off some days? If He never changes and promises His presence with us always then it must be about our proximity and awareness of Him.

About a decade ago, I sat amongst a group of church leaders, dutifully listening to the speaker. The day had gotten long, and I was eager to retreat for the evening. The speaker quoted a prominent national youth leader, and I never forgot the statement.

“If God seems far away, go back to where you left Him.”- Jeannie Mayo

I sat with the statement and mulled it over. It was the first time I truly understood that my connection with God was my responsibility. It wasn’t my church’s, my spouse, or a matter of circumstance. If God seemed far away, I was the one who moved, not Him. All I had to do was simply go back to where I left Him. Does this resonate with you, reader?

Somehow, in the church, we’ve gotten this wrong. We toss God aside as we elevate our service to Him. I’ve noticed most Christian women are content doing things for God instead of being with God. The busyness and service make us justify the distance because we’re doing _________ for God and surely He’s pleased with our service.

Sweet friends, God wants you. He loves you and cherishes being near you. He hopes for life-giving conversations about all the things that matter to you. His love is poured out in the context of relationship and connection. His character is revealed, and His purposes are laid out as you meet with Him. There are things God wants you to know about Him, your life, and your future.

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