How Longing Leads Us Closer to God

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How Longing Leads Us Closer to God

I stretch out my hands to you; my soul longs for you as a parched land.” Psalm 143:6

Going Through the Motions

Jackie arrives early at church to prepare to teach middle school kids. She loves their energy and adolescent angst. As she finishes up the early morning class, she rushes to the sound booth to run the slides for the morning service. Outwardly she feels relaxed and competent making sure all the behind-the-scenes work runs smoothly, but inside she feels dull.

She squirms in her chair as the pastor preaches. She knows she’s making some decisions that don’t line up with the Word. She remembers the old slogan, “What would Jesus do?” Her face is downcast as she knows He isn’t pleased with her choices. She continues the charade but knows her heart is far from God.

She remembers the early days of knowing Christ. Her eyes are open to the wonder of His love as she reads His Word. Her heart is moved as tears roll down her cheeks. She talks about Jesus with her coworkers and family. They don’t always understand her newfound passion, but they appreciate her simple faith. Now she’s going through the motions, and God seems far away. How did I get here, she wonders?

Her relationship with God is lukewarm. She loves Him but doesn’t quite know how to connect with Him. She views her service to Him as her highest calling. She needs to prove she’s worthy of His love. But deep down she’s dissatisfied. Her prayers go unanswered. She can’t remember the last time she read her Bible. God seems far off, and she wonders there must be more to this relationship with her Creator. She’s afraid to move too close to Him because He’ll probably be disappointed in her.

She longs for the old days when she felt close to God.

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How to Enrich Your Appreciation of the Bible

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How to Enrich Your Appreciation of the Bible

Teach me your decrees, O Lord; I will keep them to the end.” Psalm 119:33 NLT

As we finish up this series of Five Attributes Needed for A Close Connection With God, we end up having a hunger for God’s Word. Have you ever thought about your relationship with the Bible and the impact it has on your loving union with God?

Early Morning Annoyance

I wake early and plop down in my favorite chair with my cup of morning coffee and messy bed hair, ready for my morning rhythm with God. Immediately I pay attention to my heart, and it feels heavy and worn out. I’m physically exhausted and spiritually bankrupt. I’ve given and given and served till it hurts, and I feel weary.

I reach for the Word that brings typically comfort, but today I’m annoyed. I’ve been reading the Bible for decades. “What new thing could I find”, I scoff in my thoughts. That’s the problem with my personality; as an Enneagram 7, I have an insatiable appetite for the new shiny thing. Anyone else gets easily bored? I hate it, but it’s the way I’m wired, and today I need help. The combination of weariness and boredom can lead me ever searching for excitement. Today I receive a thrill straight from God’s Word. Reading this one chapter changes my view of the Bible forever.

I’m in Psalms, one of my favorite chapters, and I stumble upon Psalm 119. This is no small feat to read as it contains an unusually large amount of verses, 176 to be exact. I slowly start reading, then turn the thin page again and again, and as I read, I feel my heart expand.

Psalm 119 is written by King David, and it is an intimate conversation between him and God about his desire to stay close to God and keep the Word. David cries out to be taught by God and to revere the Word. The Word is called many different things in this psalm: precepts, law, decrees, promises, commands, truth, teaching.

Reading this psalm opens my eyes to the wonder of the Word and all the goodness within. It helps me realize my greatest connection with God will come through His Word. It’s the letter God’s written to us to reveal Himself, as Father, Son, and Holy Spirit. It’s a source of life and truth, to help me understand God more clearly. My spirit is renewed as my attitude shifts to the glory of God’s Word. I now make it a regular practice to read Psalm 119 because it lights a passion in my soul each time I’m reminded of the power of God’s Word.

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The Best Blog Posts of 2020

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The Best Blog Posts of 2020

For the month of December, I’m highlighting my favorite posts from 2020. This one is about learning to calm the chaos and overwhelm so we can hear God’s voice. Enjoy!

Overwhelm All-Around

The alarm jars me from a deep sleep. I groan and roll-over, fully aware of my schedule ahead. How am I already tired when the day hasn’t started? I reach for my comfy robe, grab a cup of coffee, and head to my spot. You know, the place I meet with Jesus in the morning. I imagine peace and joy but I’m met with frustration and anger. I try to quiet my racing thoughts. “Focus,” I tell myself. “You can deal with it later. It’s time to concentrate on God.”

Even my quiet time with God feels forced. Where’s the comfort and connection I crave? I’m feeling empty and spent. I wonder if God is disappointed in me?

I get the kids up and breakfast ready. We leave half-eaten bowls of cereal lining the counter as I scoot them out the door with dad. He’ll tell lots of bad dad jokes and they’ll blare the Journey soundtrack on the way to school. It’s the most they’ll see of him, as he’s a pastor and has lots of things to do. There are always meetings, planning, people in crisis, strife to handle. It never ends for a pastor and his wife. Balancing the logistical needs of a large family with the needs of the church is a whole thing in and of itself.

As I wave them out the door, my mind lands on the challenges my kids, these five cherubs ranging from preschool to high school, are facing these days. How in the world do I have a child in every age range? We’re dealing with growing pains, emotional distress, friendship trouble, homework stress, and bullies at school. The issues are similar, but our kid's ages require different approaches when parenting them through these issues.

I gather the abandoned bowls and rinse them off as I go over my to-do list for the day in my head. Each kid has their own schedule to keep and homework to get done. There are the drop-off and pick-up schedules to mind and dinner to make. Should I tackle laundry first or work on my Bible study for discussion tonight? Oh, wait, I have a dance meeting at four! The little girls have dance rehearsal, Keenan has a concert, Moriah is heading to Sam’s house and Caleb will want to go hang out with a friend after school.

I feel the tightness in my neck and notice my shallow breathing. A wave of low-grade anger simmers below the surface. I’m not mad at people, I’m just frustrated my schedule is so crazy.

I’m overwhelmed by the physical, emotional, and spiritual needs of those around me. Really, I’d just like to escape.

Calm the Chaos

The busy days of kids at home are long gone, but I’ll never forget the feelings of overwhelm I lived with most of the time.

Our endless “to-do” list, unrealistic expectations, need for perfection, and limited capacity, leads to overwhelm.

Overwhelm manifests as racing thoughts, tightness in our chest, and weary bodies. We feel this immense pressure.

These past weeks we’ve been talking about hearing God’s voice, but this is very difficult for a person who is overwhelmed. The only voice we hear is the one that screams, “You’re not enough.” “This is too hard.” “Everyone is counting on me.” “If I say ‘no’, they’ll be disappointed in me.”

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Best Blog Posts of 2020

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Best Blog Posts of 2020


For December I’m highlighting some of my favorite posts from 2020. I hope this encourages you.

How to Feel Secure When You’re Upset

As we look at what it means to be secure in Christ, we need to remember it’s not just physically, but emotionally. When the circumstances in our lives are filled with pressure and we feel trapped by pain, loss, despair, or anxiety, there’s a place we can go for sweet relief.

“He brought me out into a spacious place; he rescued me because He delighted in me.”

Psalm 18:19

I’m Emotionally Spent

I’m feeling the weight of it all today. This diagnosis has robbed my husband, Bob, of the ability to speak clearly; his mobility is taxed and his energy drained. Bob’s anxiety shoots through the roof as he wakes up each day with different limitations. Chronic Progressive Multiple Sclerosis is a thief robbing him of his ability to work, provide, and engage in everyday life.

He retreats to his bed often, spent from emotional and physical exhaustion. Normally, he would push through exhaustion. He’s hard-headed, driven to accomplish tasks, and values hard work, however, his body defies his request to produce.

I’m left carrying the load with our three small children. The days feel long. I want to return to our old lives. This medical nightmare leaves me feeling alone and misunderstood. My days are filled with cooking, cleaning, parenting, and trying to navigate this ever-changing disease with my husband. There are new pressures and stress as we look forward to a disease with no cure. We face doctors who make educated guesses on how to treat the unending symptoms of memory loss, muscle spasms, tremors, and continuous nerve damage.

Each day I sneak away to a spacious place where God rescues me from worry, doubt, and fear. It’s not my reality, but by faith, I can confirm it’s existence. It’s a quiet place where Papa and I meet. I pour out my anguish, lost dreams, and endless trials. I unload my fears for the future, as the weight begins to lift. I rehearse the promises from scripture, and I hold on to hope, even when my reality is hopeless. I meditate on God’s goodness and character.

Being with Him, in this roomy space, helps me focus less on my troubles. Isn’t that the point of this walk with God, more of Him and less of me?

See, I imagine me and Papa in this perfect, expansive spot. This boundless area is void of sorrow and trouble. In my mind, it’s a meadow, full of flowers; the sun shines bright as God whispers His love. Other days I imagine a majestic mountain top, where God has brought me to sit with Him.

He stays with me and holds me. He tells me I’m seen. He speaks of His delight in me, which I can hardly believe because I’m just trying to hold it all together. He says, “Please don’t feel you must hold it all together, that’s my job. Your job is surrender.” I sigh and once again, release control, understanding, and will.

He assures me of His love and compassion in the messy middle of hardship. When I cry, “God, I can’t do this,” He lovingly asks me the same question. “Do you trust Me?” As warm tears roll down my cheeks, I whisper, “I do.”

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Best Blog Posts of 2020

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Best Blog Posts of 2020

For the month of December, I’m sharing some of my bests posts of 2020! Be encouraged, Beloved Friends!

She Loves God But He Seems Distant

I’ve been thinking about this woman a lot. Maybe you know her?

She loves God. She’s walked with Him for many years, but she’s tired. She’s tired of the same old relationship. She keeps trying to work her way to Him by doing all the right things. She’s diligent but utterly frustrated. Deep down she feels empty but doesn’t know what to do.

She loves God, but He seems distant and she can’t figure out why. She’s gone through her mental checklist:

  • I’m serving Him by giving of my time, gifts, and finances. Check.

  • I attend church regularly. Check.

  • I throw up some prayers in the morning. Check

  • I try to get along with my husband. Check.

  • I’m raising these kids the best I know-how. Check.

  • I try to read the Bible. Check.

Yet, even after doing all these things for God, she’s not quite connecting with God. She reads her Bible, but there’s no wonder jumping off the pages. She can’t always relate to the stories or understand how they apply to her. She tries to listen for God’s voice, but mostly she hears the lies of condemnation and shame, or she hears nothing at all. This reinforces her lack, which causes her to move farther away from God.

She’s praying about things, deep things, hard things, and yet it feels like her prayers bounce off the ceiling. She’s begged, pleaded, even bargained with God, and still, He doesn’t answer her prayers the way she wants, so she assumes He’s mad at her.

She longs for something deeper and richer but is frustrated with how to get there. The formulas fall flat, the awe of God is gone. She feels alone, isolated, and disappointed in her relationship with God.

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How To Have A Pure Heart With God

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How To Have A Pure Heart With God

Create in me a pure heart, O God, and renew a right spirit with me. Psalm 51:10

My Shattered Heart

I pull myself out of bed this early winter morning, groping for coffee, and slump into my favorite chair. I need this time with Papa while the house is still quiet. I tell Him all about the “mean people” in my life. I feel like a child tattle-telling to the teacher. I pour it out, all of it, as angry tears roll down my cheeks. It feels good to get it off my chest. I don’t pretend with God as He and I are open about everything.

I scan the Word for some truth that will penetrate my wounded heart. I’m too distracted by my pain. Nothing from the Bible is speaking to me so I slam it shut. I sit weepy and angry before God, secretly dreaming of how God will handle them. I feel a deep sense of injustice rising in my bones. Their behavior and judgments are laced with Pharisaical pride.

As I’m dreaming about how God will handle them, I hear the Spirit whisper, “this isn’t about them, this is about you.” I’m jostled back to my senses as Papa continues with these gentle words. “You are not responsible for their behavior, you’re only responsible for how you treat them.”

Well, Papa might as well punched me! But He is right. I’m responsible for the behavior and attitude that flows from my heart. God asks us to pray for those who hurt us. He even says to love our enemies. My heart sinks because I know it’s true.

In this tender moment, I ask God to create a pure heart in me. One that honors Him and does what He says, even when it’s hard and especially when I don’t want to. He reassures me that He will handle them as well, without my help. It’s shocking how God doesn’t need my help with others. The truth be known, I am only responsible for myself and my heart.

Our Heart Condition

In addition to humility, the next thing we need to look at is the state of our hearts. How does the condition of our hearts affect our connection with God and His ability to teach us? Only the pure in heart will see God. What does that mean for us when don’t always have the purest motives before God? What is the heart anyway?

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Humility Empowers Us to Connect Deeply With God.

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Humility Empowers Us to Connect Deeply With God.

“But He gives a greater grace. Therefore it says, “God is opposed to the proud, but gives grace to the humble.” - James 4:6

The Tension of Pride

I feel the pull of the Spirit as a battle rages in my thoughts. I’m tired of the ongoing conflict with a person at my church. Honestly, I can’t pinpoint how or why the conflict started. There are endless verbal scuffles that are exhausting. Maybe it’s because we’re both strong women. She’s thirty years older than me, and I feel like she should be the mature one. “Why do I have to apologize?”, I think. Yet, here I am on a Sunday morning, minding my own business, and God wants to deal with me.

“I don’t want to talk to her. I don’t want to face this. Lord, she’s just a crabby, bitter person. Why do I have to go to her?” My flesh does not want to do this, but God’s love compels me to do the right thing. I make the decision to apologize. I sigh and wipe the tears from my cheek. “God, I will humble myself and go to her.”

I gingerly approach Debra, and I pull her aside into a quiet classroom. I’m thankful there’s no one around, and God has provided this moment of privacy. She has no idea what I’m going to say. I see the tension in her face. I feel tightness in my back, but I approach her with humility and a warm smile. I feel a peace come over me as I apologize. Debra, grins and in her gravelly voice, says, “It’s okay, I forgive you.”

The conversation takes less than three minutes, but it changes our relationship forever. Humility shifts our perspective. The humble aren’t defensive or demanding. The lowly long to connect. No longer do I see her as a bitter woman, instead, I see her as a hurting woman who needs to be loved.

Humilities Way

Pride may be the strongest force keeping us from an intimate connection with God. If we’re honest, we all struggle with pride. I know I have for years. I’m constantly saying or doing the wrong thing because pride likes to have the upper hand. How do we recognize pride in ourselves?

Characteristics of pride:

*It’s bossy.

*It’s demanding

*It puffs up

*It judges others as inferior

*It hates correction

*It craves attention

*It needs to be right

When there’s tension in a relationship, often humility is the road to restoration.

Do you feel strain in your relationship with God? Are you avoiding Him altogether? Is there something God is asking you to humble yourself about, but you just don’t want to? Friend, I understand this heart stance well. I have struggled with pride. I want to be right, but I’ve found this isn’t the best avenue for true connection with God.

Humility leads to connection. Meekness says, “I’ll go low, God, so you can be exalted in me.” A humble heart recognizes it doesn’t know everything, and it wants to learn and grow.

True growth begins with laying down our rights and humbly asking God what He has for us in any area of our lives. God wants to nurture our relationships, our purpose, our future, but He cannot build us if our heart posture is arrogant.

God’s Word says He gives grace to the humble. Isn’t that a beautiful thought? God’s power is apportioned to those who lower themselves and ask for it. We can quiet ourselves before God, or He will humble us, and I promise the latter is more painful.

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Vulnerability Brings Us Closer to God

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Vulnerability Brings Us Closer to God

“We come closer to God and approach him with an open heart, fully convinced that nothing will keep us at a distance from him.” -Hebrews 10:22 TPT

Honest Conversation With God

It’s late afternoon, in early spring, as I peer at the clouds outside my window. The grey day amplifies the dreariness in my heart; I cannot shake the sadness, as melancholy has is my unwelcome companion. My sunny disposition is buried in the loss of people, comfort, and health.

We are four weeks into the pandemic, and I have only left the house once a week for groceries and once a week on Sundays to go record the live stream message with my hubby, the pastor.

I crawl into my favorite chair in my office. I wrap myself in a cozy blanket, and I weep. The floodgates open as I unload my grief. I don’t even recognize it as grief, at first. I miss people. I miss connection and conversation. I’m worried about our grown kids. Will my elderly parents with fragile bodies survive this pandemic? I am also overwhelmed by the political upheaval in our nation. I pour out my sadness to Papa.

I don’t have to pretend with Papa. He already knows everything that’s going on inside. He doesn’t judge me or condemn me. I hear Him whisper, “Go ahead and cry, Honey. I’m right here. I know this is scary and unfamiliar. I know you miss all your people immensely, but I’m here, I’m with you. I’ll help you through this.”

I feel the warmth of God’s peace as real as my cozy blanket. I’m going to keep coming back to this place whenever I’m overwhelmed. Papa’s love calms me best. I’m glad I can be honest with Him. I’m thankful for His loving-kindness towards me in my pain.

God is Safe

There is nothing blocking us from being close to God because Jesus covers our shame. We are safe with God. He allows us to draw near with the full assurance of His love. The Father is happy to see us, but He’s not looking for the cleaned-up version of ourselves. He wants us to be “real.” He’s not looking for the Sunday morning, mask-wearing version. You know, the one that is polished, perfect, and says “I’m fine!” That version rarely draws near to God.

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Jesus Bore our Shame So We Can Be Close to God

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Jesus Bore our Shame So We Can Be Close to God

“Fixing our eyes on Jesus, the author and perfecter of faith, who for the joy set before Him endured the cross, despising the shame, and has sat down at the right hand of the throne of God.”- Hebrews 12:2

As we move forward with learning to be vulnerable to God, we must talk about how shame affects our relationship with our Creator. Shame keeps us from connection with God.

My Companion, Shame

I arrive early to high school and hear a commotion in the gym. I quietly open a side door so as to not draw attention and peer inside. The gym is filled with excited students, all standing at different tables with the State signs lifted high. It’s Student Council elections and oh, how I wish I was amidst the crowd of students. I’m organized, competent, and friendly, all the qualities necessary for leadership, but no one knows that about me.

Shame won’t allow me to join. Shame has been my constant companion for many years ever taunting me, crushing my heart, and making me feel small and worthless. She’s like a heavy, itchy coat I need to take off, but she keeps me safe, ever hidden, never exposed. She also hinders my ability to connect or belong.

Shame speaks loudly and harshly, filling my mind with words of condemnation. “You’re not good enough.” “If only they knew.” Shame belittles and lies. But I’m not strong enough to recognize the lies, so I continue to wear the uncomfortable coat.

Shame shapes every interaction I have with people. It makes me afraid to try new things for fear of rejection. Oh, how I resent those who are fearless. See, shame tells me I must pretend as I plaster on the smile and the optimistic outlook. Can they see the sadness behind my eyes? Is my brokenness amplified in their brave confidence? If they knew what was hidden inside, they’d want nothing to do with me.

Shame tells me I’m flawed, there’s no good in me. I imagine these kids in the gym come from beautiful families, where a peaceful conversation is held around the dinner table. They don’t go to sleep listening to the alcoholic step-dad arguing with their mom. If they knew what my home was like, they’d reject me, so instead, I hide.

Meeting Jesus at age twenty-one changes everything. I’m told He bore my sin and shame Himself. He literally took it for me. Jesus bore my shame on the cross, so I can draw near to God. God sees me as beautiful, cherished, lovely because Jesus stands between me and God. Jesus covers the ugliness of my sin and shame. It’s the best news I ever heard.

Brene Brown says, “People who aren’t good with vulnerability are usually really good at shame.”

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It's Safe to Be Vulnerable With God

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It's Safe to Be Vulnerable With God

“Behold you delight in truth in the inward being, and you teach me wisdom in the secret heart.”- Psalm 51:6

Vulnerability With God

As we grow in our intimate connection with God it’s important to learn to be vulnerable with God. Some believe vulnerability makes us weak or feel out of control. Others are afraid to be vulnerable with God because shame tells them they are not worthy. The truth is vulnerability is the gateway to connection.

When I was going through a particularly stressful season in our ministry life, I learned about the vulnerability of King David as described in the Psalms. David’s words are raw, honest, almost painful in their vulnerability. He pours out his heart to God like nothing I’ve ever seen. He would become the model I used for my relationship with God.

Let’s look at an example: Psalm 142:1-7

“I cry aloud to the Lord; I lift up my voice to the Lord for mercy. I pour out my complaint before him; before him, I tell my trouble. When my spirit grows faint within me, it is you who know my way. In the path where I walk men have hidden a snare for me. Look to my right and see; no one is concerned for me. I have no refuge. No one cares for my life.

I cry to you, Lord; I say, “You are my refuge, my portion, in the land of the living. Listen to my cry, for I am in desperate need; rescue me from those who pursue me, for they are too strong for me. Set me free from my prison, that I may praise your name. Then the righteous will gather about me because of your goodness to me.”

David is experiencing deep sorrow. He feels abandoned and in need. He feels emotionally exhausted and weak, but instead of hiding from God, he runs to God and pours it all out. There’s no hesitation, or mask. David feels seen, understood, and heard. He then goes on to declare the goodness of God. What a beautiful way to relate to God.

In her book, Daring Greatly, Brene Brown says this about vulnerability:

“Our rejection of vulnerability often stems from associating it with dark emotions like fear, shame, grief, sadness, and disappointment-emotions that we don’t want to discuss, even when they profoundly affect the way we live, love, and work. Vulnerability is the birthplace of love, belonging, joy, courage, empathy, and creativity. It is the source of hope, empathy, accountability, and authenticity. If we want greater clarity in our purpose or deeper and more meaningful spiritual lives, vulnerability is the path.”

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Closeness With God Begins With Longing

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Closeness With God Begins With Longing

“I stretch out my hands to you; my soul longs for you as a parched land.”- Psalm 143:6

The place we need to start in order to feel closer to God is our longing. Most of us have buried it deep beneath our overextended schedules and our religious activity. When you have the courage to bring longing out in the presence of God, you will have a beautiful connection.

Empty

I sit in the early morning, coffee in hand, Bible opened, notebook ready to record my thoughts, and I feel empty. Warm tears fall as I pay attention to my soul. I’m weary from serving everyone and everything. I’m a pastor's wife, a mother of five, a volunteer, an employee, a friend, a parent stretched from all the kid’s activities. The weight of ministry demands coupled with the busy family has wrung me out.

I don’t know how to say “ no.” I overestimate my capacity then feel bitter when I have no margin in my days. And where’s God in all this hustling? He seems far away. Our relationship has gone cold. I’ve lost the wonder of sitting at His feet and embracing His heart. I’ve become too busy doing things FOR Him instead of sitting WITH Him. I need to make some changes. Longing is stirring within and I need to pay attention.

When was the last time you felt it-your own longing, that is? Your longing for love, your longing for God, your longing to live your life as it is meant to be lived in God? When was the last time you felt a longing for healing and fundamental change groaning within you?” -Ruth Haley Barton, Sacred Rhythms

Honestly, if I hadn’t read Haley Barton’s book I couldn’t have told you it was a longing that was stirring. I’d pushed my longing aside. It was buried deep, and I left no room for it to come out. It was hidden beneath my busy schedule and my service for God. It wasn’t safe to face my longing because I wasn’t sure anything would change. I faced my longing once and nothing came of it. The thought of being disappointed again made me want to keep my desires quiet. Instead, this time, I took the brave step and brought my longing out in the presence of God, and it was life-changing.

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She Loves God, But She's A Little Tired.

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She Loves God, But She's A Little Tired.

e been thinking about this woman a lot. Maybe you know her?

She loves God. She’s walked with Him for many years, but she’s tired. She’s tired of the same old relationship. She keeps trying to work her way to Him by doing all the right things. She’s diligent but utterly frustrated. Deep down she feels empty but doesn’t know what to do.

She Loves God, But He Seems Distant

She loves God, but He seems distant and she can’t figure out why. She’s gone through her mental checklist:

  • I’m serving Him by giving of my time, gifts, and finances. Check.

  • I attend church regularly. Check.

  • I throw up some prayers in the morning. Check

  • I try to get along with my husband. Check.

  • I’m raising these kids the best I know-how. Check.

  • I try to read the Bible. Check.

    Yet, after doing all these things for God, she’s not quite connecting with God. She reads her Bible, but there’s no wonder jumping off the pages. She can’t always relate to the stories or understand how they apply to her. She tries to listen for God’s voice, but mostly she hears the lies of condemnation and shame, or she hears nothing at all. This reinforces her lack, which causes her to move farther away from God.

    She’s praying about things: deep things, hard things, and yet it feels like her prayers bounce off the ceiling. She’s begged, pleaded, even bargained with God, and still, He doesn’t answer her prayers the way she wants, so she assumes He’s mad at her.

    She longs for something deeper and richer but is frustrated with how to get there. The formulas fall flat, the awe of God is gone. She feels alone, isolated, and disappointed in her relationship with God.

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I'm Assured God Works For Good In Every Situation

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I'm Assured God Works For Good In Every Situation

In the midst of pandemics and social injustice, it seems ridiculous to mention, my tailbone, but here I am. For a few years in my early forties, I practiced Pilates. Pilates is a workout of stretching and toning. It’s low impact and seems good for this reluctant exerciser. A lot of the moves are performed sitting on your tailbone. As a result of these exercises, I develop a bone spur on my tailbone. I know, go ahead and laugh, because I think it’s absurd too.

It’s been ten years since the spur first developed. Removing it isn’t an option because it’s risky surgery, but, hey, it only hurts when I sit or lie. I’ve tried a few different coccyx cushions, but it’s embarrassing lugging those around, so I shift in my chair; surprisingly, soft chairs cause more pain than hard.

Adding insult to injury, I was rear-ended in 2014, on a sunny September day, which left me with chronic neck and mid-back pain. During months of doctoring, I also discovered I have rare thoracic scoliosis. My once healthy body seems to reject healing.

After years of therapy, massages, chiropractic care, and non-traditional treatments I gave up on pursuing healing via medical doctors. The physical pain of varying degrees is now a part of my daily life.

As a normally joyful, optimistic person, I don’t mention my pain often. I don’t see the point in wallowing in it or bringing it up. If I’m having a rough day, my hubby knows, and he’s faithful to pray for me.

I believe in the healing power of God. I’ve witnessed miracles of healing and restoration, personally. It’s a little bone spur, and the God of the universe could flick it off if He wanted, and yet, He does not.

There are seasons where I cry out to God for healing and others where I remain silent. If I’m honest, on my worse days, I feel disappointed and overlooked. It’s on my low days, Papa and I talk; I confess my frustrations and am met with bundles of compassion for God is familiar with pain. He is equally present with me in my joy and my pain. As we talk, He leads me back to the truth from His Word about His goodness.

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How To Feel Secure When You're Upset

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How To Feel Secure When You're Upset

As we look at what it means to be secure in Christ, we need to remember it’s not just physically, but emotionally. When the circumstances in our lives are filled with pressure and we feel trapped by pain, loss, despair, or anxiety, there’s a place we can go for sweet relief.

“He brought me out into a spacious place; he rescued me because He delighted in me.” -Psalm 18:19

Pressure

I’m feeling the weight of it all today. This diagnosis has robbed my husband, Bob, of the ability to speak clearly; his mobility is taxed and his energy drained. Bob’s anxiety shoots through the roof as he wakes up each day with different limitations. Chronic Progressive Multiple Sclerosis is a thief robbing him of his ability to work, provide, and engage in everyday life.

He retreats to his bed often, spent from emotional and physical exhaustion. Normally, he would push through exhaustion. He’s hard-headed, driven to accomplish tasks, and values hard work, however, his body defies his request to produce.

I’m left carrying the load with our three small children. The days feel long. I want to return to our old lives. This medical nightmare leaves me feeling alone and misunderstood. My days are filled with cooking, cleaning, parenting, and trying to navigate this ever-changing disease with my husband. There are new pressures and stress as we look forward to a disease with no cure. We face doctors who make educated guesses on how to treat the unending symptoms of memory loss, muscle spasms, tremors, and continuous nerve damage.

Each day I sneak away to a spacious place where God rescues me from worry, doubt, and fear. It’s not my reality, but by faith, I can confirm it’s existence. It’s a quiet place where Papa and I meet. I pour out my anguish, lost dreams, and endless trials. I unload my fears for the future, as the weight begins to lift. I rehearse the promises from scripture, and I hold on to hope, even when my reality is hopeless. I meditate on God’s goodness and character.

Being with Him, in this roomy space, helps me focus less on my troubles. Isn’t that the point of this walk with God, more of Him and less of me?

See, I imagine me and Papa in this perfect, expansive spot. This boundless area is void of sorrow and trouble. In my mind, it’s a meadow, full of flowers; the sun shines bright as God whispers His love. Other days I imagine a majestic mountain top, where God has brought me to sit with Him.

He stays with me and holds me. He tells me I’m seen. He speaks of His delight in me, which I can hardly believe because I’m just trying to hold it all together. He says, “Please don’t feel you must hold it all together, that’s my job. Your job is surrender.” I sigh and once again, release control, understanding, and will.

He assures me of His love and compassion in the messy middle of hardship. When I cry, “God, I can’t do this,” He lovingly asks me the same question. “Do you trust Me?” As warm tears roll down my cheeks, I whisper, “I do.”

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A Series About Forgiveness: I Forgive You

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A Series About Forgiveness: I Forgive You

This is a series on the power of forgiveness. Go to last week’s post to read my family’s story. As we begin to walk in our true identity in Christ, we understand we are forgiven. Since we are forgiven, Christ also requires us to extend forgiveness to others.

“Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you.” Ephesians 4:32

A canopy of gold and red hangs above our heads as we meet at the park on this glorious October day. I sense God’s presence as I walk into a holy moment, one that changes the trajectory of my life. The sun shines brightly against the cornflower blue sky reminding me of the goodness of God. He is our light in the darkness, and I experience this truth profoundly in the weeks following the tragedy. This is the first time I will see Al’s face since the shooting.

Just two months earlier, I’m filled with rage towards my step-dad, Al. It’s been a slow boil for years as the devastation of alcohol abuse has wrung me out. The thought of him makes my stomach churn. The endless bottles of alcohol, his slurred speech, the ensuing arguments. The sad, emptiness in his eyes, as he’s in denial about his drinking. I find his behavior weak, repulsive, and I feel justified in my anger. I’m only nineteen but both my father and step-dad succumb to alcoholism, and I’m simply fed up. I should have compassion for his brokenness, but I only feel disgusted. I mean, come on, he shot my mom. Surely that warrants hatred? I am confident in my stance.

Until God interrupts my hatred!

The only explanation I have for my parent’s reconciliation is surrender and divine intervention. My step-dad surrenders in jail, while my mom has her own “come to Jesus” moment at home recovering from surgery. A local pastor’s wife reaches out to my mom, and they build a friendship. My mom is equally exhausted from a life of co-dependence being married to two alcoholics. Her first marriage ends because of my dad’s drinking. Her father is also a recovered alcoholic, which likely contributes to the familiarity of it all. She does not want this marriage to end in divorce.

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Christ Accepts Me As His Friend

/ Pamela Henkelman Coaching/
Christ Accepts Me As His Friend

“I no longer call you slaves, because a master doesn’t confide in his slaves. Now you are my friends since I have told you everything the Father told me.”- John 15:15

The Bond of Friendship

Rebekah is sprawled out on the couch after the 7-hour drive home. Keziah bursts through the front door and plops down next to Rebekah. They’re all arms and legs as they embrace on the couch the way sisters do. They cling to each other because of their closeness. Each is dealing with her own burden of loss. They know in each other, their tender hearts are safe.

Keziah’s a freshman in college forced to move home because of the coronavirus. She leaves all her friends and Chi Alpha community, along with her boyfriend. She’s come home to a town she barely knows since we moved here last June. Her high school friends are in another state.

Rebekah plans a visit home for her last college spring break. She’s filled with disappointment and frustration after all her college activities are canceled along with her college commencement. She’s the Executive Director of an organization that plans most of the activities on campus. She grieves the loss of events and relationships. Tears fall as they talk about their troubles.

They are more than sisters, they are friends.

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I Am Accepted By God As His Child

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I Am Accepted By God As His Child

“But to all who believed him and accepted him, he gave the right to become children of God.” -John 1:12

Many of us carry the scars of rejection and at our deepest core, we long to be accepted. We scan the horizon looking for proof of our acceptance only to feel rejected again. Jesus provides the way for acceptance as we become children of God.

I Am Accepted By God

The Christmas Eve program rehearsals are well underway in our tiny church. The church ladies demand respect and hard work. We rehearse the songs and study our lines well. This is no amateur show. These ladies’ reputations are on the line, and they don’t want any kids to make them look like they’re unprepared for this holiest evening.

Christmas Eve brings everyone to church even those who aren’t faithful the rest of the year. Everyone comes in their new Christmas attire and the kids gather in the basement classrooms while parents and guests are seated in the sanctuary.

The kids wait in their tiny rooms with their teachers. There is lots of excited, wiggly energy. A shy child who doesn’t want to perform clings anxiously to her mother. The Momma peels her distraught child off her leg and races upstairs in the hope the child will calm down. A flustered teacher is left to deal with the fallout of tears.

I have a special role this year. I get to play Mary, the mother of Jesus. I’m a little kindergartener, with a pixie haircut, wrapped in a white tunic with a rope belt tied around my tiny waist. The blue satin headpiece is a thing of my dreams. It’s a long rectangle piece of fabric that sits on my head and falls over my shoulders. I have to be careful when I move.

I feel pure, innocent and deeply accepted. Why would God allow me to have such an important role? I’m nobody. I sing my solo with confidence and am overwhelmed at the delight and the sense of Papa’s love for me.

It’s the very first time I sense God’s acceptance of me, and I’m overcome with joy and peace. It would be another fifteen years and a lot of heartaches before I understand I’m a child of God.

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Nothing Can Separate Us From God's Love

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Nothing Can Separate Us From God's Love

“And I am convinced that nothing can ever separate us from God’s love. Neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither our fears for today nor our worries about tomorrow not even the powers of hell can separate us from God’s love. No power in the sky above or in the earth below-indeed, nothing in all creation will ever be able to separate us from the love of God that is revealed in Christ Jesus our Lord.” Romans 8:38-39

For a Moment I Felt Separated

I’m a young, inexperienced mom who’s frustrated with my sweet child. Why will this precocious three-year-old not cooperate today? Why will he not listen to the voice of reason? I feel myself start to lose control. I know I should hold it back but I can’t. Anger rises within like a beast waiting to be un-caged. I lose my temper, sling angry words at him, and yank his arm. He looks at me in shock, bursts into tears, and runs to his room.

I collapse on the floor ashamed and overwhelmed at my lack of self-control. I cry angry sobs, and I hear the leering accusations ring in my thoughts:

“You call yourself a Christian?”

“How can you even love God when you act like that?”

“You’re a complete fraud and a hypocrite!”

“You’re not even fit to be a mother.”

I’ve walked with God long enough to recognize where the thoughts come from. The Father of Lies tries to convince me my bad behavior separates me from God’s love.

I cry out to God at the moment and say, “God, please forgive me for hurting my son. Forgive me for my angry outburst and lack of self-control. Help me be the kind of mom my son needs me to be.”

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You are Loved by God, Part 1

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You are Loved by God, Part 1

“The Lord appeared to us in the past, saying: “I have loved you with an everlasting love; I have drawn you with unfailing kindness.- Jeremiah 31:3 NIV

One of the surest ways to understand our identity in Christ is to start with love. We can be completely assured of God’s love based on what the scripture says. When we know, understand, and experience God’s love, we are changed. 

My daddy doesn’t scoop me up when he sees me. Our time together is limited, as he carries the heavy burden of farming and raising pigs. Deep lines, a furrowed brow, and sadness are often reflected on his face.  

He introduces me to weird foods like smoked fish, blue cheese, and sardines. I enjoy our time together in the kitchen because it’s rare. I love to see the warmth in his eyes and a grin on his face in these fleeting moments. 

He calls me unusual nicknames, like “Quackgrass” or “Sowthistle.” It probably makes sense to him since he’s a farmer. But honestly, why would you think it’s cute to nickname your daughter after a weed?

The dinner table isn’t a place for a joyful family banter. Instead, quiet obedience is required. We never know what kind of mood dad will be in. He seems upset a lot, and we do not want to make things worse.

The cares of farming, family, my mom, and probably things he doesn’t understand weigh on him. He escapes the pain by running to alcohol, as the smell lingers on his breath. It’s how we know when we have to be extra cautious and quiet so as not to upset him.

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New Year: New Identity, To Know Christ

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New Year: New Identity, To Know Christ

“I want to know Christ and the power of His resurrection and the fellowship of His sufferings, being conformed to Him in His death.” -Philippians 3:10

In order for us to understand our identity in Christ, we need to know Him. The most powerful tool to use to know Christ is His Word.

An Awakening

It’s my first Mother’s Day on a perfect spring day, and I’m excited to open my present. Our first-born son is three weeks old, so I’m still healing from a c-section and deep into sleepless nights. We are in that newborn fog of parenting, each of us tries to make sense of our new roles. My hubby works long hours at the car dealership, needing to be the number one salesman each month, and I’m happy to be home with our newborn.

I excitedly open the gift and inside is a beautiful new Bible. It is pink with flowers and filled with lovely devotionals written by Godly women interspersed between the books of the Bible. I’m excited to dig in.

I’ve walked with God for four years, but something happens this spring as I open my new Bible and pour over its contents. I can’t wait for our newborn to nap so I can read the Word. I create a cozy spot on our front porch and sit in the sunshine and read. Tears pour down my cheeks and a longing in my soul is quenched as I read the Word. I know reading the Bible is important, but this is the first time in a long time I feel it’s life-giving power renew my weary soul. 

I’m hungry to know Christ, I want to understand God’s character. I want the Word to change me, to shape me into the person God has created me to be. I sense God’s nearness and His love for me overwhelms me. I never want to feel far from Him again.

Often we don’t understand our identity in Christ because we neglect our devotion to His Word. 

“Even among worship attendees less than half read the Bible daily. The only time most Americans hear from the Bible is when someone else is reading it.”-Lifeway Research

Our Bibles lay unopened and unread as we wonder why Christ seems so far off. We don’t experience our true identity in Christ because we don’t know our identity in Christ as it’s laid out in His Word.

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