We Were Created For Loving Union With God

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We Were Created For Loving Union With God

“My sheep listen to My voice, and I know them and they follow Me; - John 10:27

God’s Reassuring Voice

I reach for my husband’s hand the second after a drunk driver runs the red light and slams into our car. Black smoke is rising from the airbags, and I’m terrified. I want to flee, but all I hear is the sound of impact ringing in my head, and I fear we could be hit again. It’s hardly rational thinking.

My chest hurts, and I’m in shock. We keep reassuring each other we’ll be okay and praising God we can move all our limbs. I can’t stop crying, and I’m shivering uncontrollably as the paramedics load us into separate ambulances.

The chest pain continues, but I can’t tell if it is from within or just a reaction to the accident. I’ve never had a panic attack. I am hooked up to a heart monitor, and my rhythm is normal. I hate being separated from my husband. I need to know that he’s okay.

After being examined by a doctor in the ER, scans are ordered and off I go rolling down the hall. The nurses and technicians are kind, but make fun of all the blankets piled on top of me

I’m transferred to the hard table of the Cat scan machine. I’m surrounded by white plastic and the humming of the machine as it moves my body back and forth. I notice the puffy cloud images tacted to the ceiling tiles like they’re going to somehow make me feel better.

After a few moments, I take a deep breath and feel sublimely calm. Peace descends like a warm blanket, and I hear Papa’s voice. “I’m right here. You’re going to be okay.” Warm tears fall as I’m reassured by God’s comforting voice.

Knowing God is near is a great comfort and a byproduct of union with Him. Loving God is not just about having faith in our Maker or serving Him because we must; our hearts are intertwined and we are tethered. He’s within me and He’s all around. I am held and I can’t escape His presence. My loving union with Him is everything.

We’re Created For Loving Union

We were created for loving union with God. Our union is much more than salvation, dutiful service, performing religious rituals, and attending weekly church services. We can do all these things and still not have union with God.

“Your very being is made to be saturated with the being of God.”- John Eldredge

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What You Believe About God Matters

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What You Believe About God Matters

“But you, O God, are both tender and kind, not easily angered, immense in love, and you never, never, quit. You look me in the eye and show kindness. Psalm 86:15-16 MSG

Missed Connection

Melissa settles on the porch, a cup of coffee in hand, and her Bible. “Here we go again God,” she thinks. She picks up the Bible with its pristine pages. The binding is still stiff from lack of use. “When will I ever figure this out?” she thinks. She knows God is near, but she’s not sure He’s interested in her.

Melissa has had a few encounters with God. She’s had glimpses of His love but most of the time she’s confused and would rather avoid Him.

Her life had been a whirlwind of mistakes, missteps, and regret. Shame is her constant companion. How could she possibly be near a Holy God with the choices she’s made?

She wonders where she should read when she picks up her Bible. She feels uncomfortable, inadequate, and overwhelmed, but she knows it would be a good thing for her to do.

She feels less than, empty, and lost.

She’s confident God is disappointed in her. She’ll let Him down just like everyone else in her life.

She closes her Bible and sighs in disgust. Sadness and defeat are mirrored in her eyes. “This will never work,” she thinks.

What we believe about God matters. We can see Melissa struggles with her view of God. She doesn’t believe in His goodness or faithfulness. She’s projecting her lack unto Him.

As we desire to build a loving union with God it’s important to evaluate what we believe about Him. Have you ever thought about what you believe about God?

These are helpful questions to ask yourself.

  • Is He good?

  • Is He loving?

  • Is He patient?

  • Is He faithful?

  • Is He trustworthy?

  • Is He kind?

  • Is He compassionate

  • Is He demanding?

  • Is He aloof?

  • Is He harsh?

  • Is He angry?

  • Is He disappointed?

  • Is He uncaring?

  • Is He impatient?

Who Is God?

How we answer these questions reveals what we believe. What we believe is how we will act towards God. If we believe He is good, we’ll move closer. If we believe He’s harsh, aloof, or uncaring, we’ll recoil and avoid Him.

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God's Heart Towards You Involves Restoration

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God's Heart Towards You Involves Restoration

“Restore us, O Lord Almighty, make your face shine o us that we may be saved.”-Psalm 80:7

One Heart Restored

It’s a crisp winter morning as we gather to worship on January 5, 1986. Christ’s love is illuminated, and the trajectory of my life is changed forever as I step forward in the church to surrender my heart to Jesus. Tears stream down my face as I’m enveloped in the love and acceptance of God. My joy can’t be contained as the peace I feel is palpable. I’ve been in an unhealthy relationship for a couple of years. My boyfriend is arrogant, self-centered, emotionally detached, and utterly lost. Why do I believe I’m not worthy of being treated better?

I end up in this relationship because I’m a girl who wants to be loved. I ignore the red flags in our relationship. I chase after love my whole life and never find it. I don’t date much in high school. I’m never chosen and walk around with a gaping ache. When I’m nineteen, I meet my boyfriend at a bar. My family never likes him.

Sunday evening I head back to my college town, and when I arrive, I call him to break up. It isn’t a big deal. There is no drama, simply a resolute assurance this is the right thing to do. I then throw up a simple prayer, “God I just want someone who loves you and could he be tall too?” Friends, you don’t know what it’s like to be 5’11”! I think God cares about the details.

Five months later, I start dating an old acquaintance, Bob. He treats me with respect and gentleness. He’s kind and funny. He loves God, and he’s tall. God certainly cares about the things we care about. God’s so personal. Bob has his own spiritual awakening at the same church a month after me. He’s everything I ever wanted in a relationship. We fall in love with God and each other at the same time. We’re blissfully in love. We are engaged six months later and will celebrate our 34th wedding anniversary in the fall. God brings the most beautiful restoration to my life.

As we learn to practice loving union with God it’s helpful to understand His hearts towards you involves restoration. God is our redeemer and restorer. Everything that has been broken, destroyed, lost, or bruised can be rebuilt by Him.

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How Longing Leads Us Closer to God

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How Longing Leads Us Closer to God

I stretch out my hands to you; my soul longs for you as a parched land.” Psalm 143:6

Going Through the Motions

Jackie arrives early at church to prepare to teach middle school kids. She loves their energy and adolescent angst. As she finishes up the early morning class, she rushes to the sound booth to run the slides for the morning service. Outwardly she feels relaxed and competent making sure all the behind-the-scenes work runs smoothly, but inside she feels dull.

She squirms in her chair as the pastor preaches. She knows she’s making some decisions that don’t line up with the Word. She remembers the old slogan, “What would Jesus do?” Her face is downcast as she knows He isn’t pleased with her choices. She continues the charade but knows her heart is far from God.

She remembers the early days of knowing Christ. Her eyes are open to the wonder of His love as she reads His Word. Her heart is moved as tears roll down her cheeks. She talks about Jesus with her coworkers and family. They don’t always understand her newfound passion, but they appreciate her simple faith. Now she’s going through the motions, and God seems far away. How did I get here, she wonders?

Her relationship with God is lukewarm. She loves Him but doesn’t quite know how to connect with Him. She views her service to Him as her highest calling. She needs to prove she’s worthy of His love. But deep down she’s dissatisfied. Her prayers go unanswered. She can’t remember the last time she read her Bible. God seems far off, and she wonders there must be more to this relationship with her Creator. She’s afraid to move too close to Him because He’ll probably be disappointed in her.

She longs for the old days when she felt close to God.

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How to Taste God's Goodness

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How to Taste God's Goodness

We are finishing up the final attribute needed for a close connection with God: a hunger for God’s Word. Have you ever thought about your relationship with the Bible and how that impacts your connection with God? We’ll be talking about it all month on the blog. Today day I’ve invited a dear friend, Sarah Butterfield, to share a beautiful piece she wrote about how to taste God’s goodness. You’re going to love this.

How to Taste God’s Goodness

When we moved to France when I was seven, my mom discovered that peanut butter was an American product. She searched high and low in every grocery store, determined to find that quick and easy lunch spread. One day, she came home with a tin can: she had finally found peanut butter in a specialty grocery store, imported from North Africa! She opened it with a can opener and although the stuff inside was hard to spread, it tasted fine.

The French preferred their Nutella, a snack my mom only gave us as a dessert. Our French friends would scrunch their noses in disgust when my mom talked about peanut butter. “You mean a butter? Made from peanuts? Ew!”

One Sunday at a church potluck, my mom made a chocolate cake. For the frosting, she whipped together equal parts Nutella and peanut butter. Our French friends loved it and raved about the frosting. My mom waited until everyone had finished their slice before revealing that there was peanut butter in the recipe!

In high school, I met Liz. She had grown up in Jakarta as a missionary kid, and she was in love with peanut butter. I had never met a bigger fan. She put it on rice, on noodles, on chicken even! Liz was the one who told me to try peanut butter with apple slices. I was skeptical, having only heard of peanut butter on bananas or celery stalks. She cut up a green apple and topped it with a dollop of peanut butter in a bowl for me. An unlikely combination I thought. But, not wanting to offend, I took a bite, and my world was opened wide. The cool, crisp tartness of the apple alongside the smooth, savory peanut butter was a revelation. I became an instant fan. That was the year I also discovered pretzels and peanut butter, so you could say that it was a time of tremendous personal growth.

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How To Have An Intimate Connection With God

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How To Have An Intimate Connection With God

“As for me, the nearness of God is our good: I have made the Lord my refuge.” -Psalm 73:28


Observation

As a newlywed and young Christian, I am hungry for the things of God. I didn’t grow up in the church, nor do I have mentors or family members to guide me in my relationship with God. My greatest influencers are the people I attend church with. I quietly begin to observe people in our church. My motive isn’t to judge, it’s seemly to glean what it means to love God. I’m curious about how to be a young woman who serves God. There are a couple of women who stick out to me: Angie and Elizabeth.

Angie is a happily married mother of three. She works outside of the home and volunteers at church. The phrase she uses most often is, “I’m so busy!” She carries tension in her face and rarely smiles. Chatting with her in the foyer is typically rushed and filled with distress. She seems tired, bitter, and overwhelmed. It looks like she needs a break, but she rarely takes one as she busies herself in the body of Christ.

Then there is Elizabeth. She is close to retirement age but she acts like she’s thirty. She is petite and wears the latest fashion trends. Her kids are grown and she has grandkids, but she also calls me “kid” like I’m one of hers. It’s the sweetest term of endearment. It doesn’t matter if you’re four or fifty-five, she’s going to call you “kid!”

She smiles easily and has an irresistible twinkle in her eye as she speaks. It’s like she knows a secret. She is loved by everyone and oozes Biblical knowledge and grace. She shares her struggles and trials openly. Her life is accessible to all as she shares her pain to encourage others. She points me to Jesus every time I talk to her. I can’t wait to be in her presence.

She serves endlessly as the church but has a lightness about her. Joy, peace, and grace flow from her tongue. She never uses the phrase, “I’m so busy” as she slows to minister to young and old each Sunday. She pauses and prays for you in the hallway or offers an encouraging word. She talks to God with honesty and conviction. She believes God will answer her prayers. She’s the kind of woman I want to be.

For the first nine years of our marriage, Elizabeth became my dear friend and mentor. She hangs out with me at my house and we talk about marriage, parenting, and the goodness of God. I glean wisdom and insight on how to relate to God. I listen to her rattle off Bible verses with ease because she walks in truth. She gives me a love for the Word.

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The Best Blog Posts of 2020

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The Best Blog Posts of 2020

For the month of December, I’m highlighting my favorite posts from 2020. This one is about learning to calm the chaos and overwhelm so we can hear God’s voice. Enjoy!

Overwhelm All-Around

The alarm jars me from a deep sleep. I groan and roll-over, fully aware of my schedule ahead. How am I already tired when the day hasn’t started? I reach for my comfy robe, grab a cup of coffee, and head to my spot. You know, the place I meet with Jesus in the morning. I imagine peace and joy but I’m met with frustration and anger. I try to quiet my racing thoughts. “Focus,” I tell myself. “You can deal with it later. It’s time to concentrate on God.”

Even my quiet time with God feels forced. Where’s the comfort and connection I crave? I’m feeling empty and spent. I wonder if God is disappointed in me?

I get the kids up and breakfast ready. We leave half-eaten bowls of cereal lining the counter as I scoot them out the door with dad. He’ll tell lots of bad dad jokes and they’ll blare the Journey soundtrack on the way to school. It’s the most they’ll see of him, as he’s a pastor and has lots of things to do. There are always meetings, planning, people in crisis, strife to handle. It never ends for a pastor and his wife. Balancing the logistical needs of a large family with the needs of the church is a whole thing in and of itself.

As I wave them out the door, my mind lands on the challenges my kids, these five cherubs ranging from preschool to high school, are facing these days. How in the world do I have a child in every age range? We’re dealing with growing pains, emotional distress, friendship trouble, homework stress, and bullies at school. The issues are similar, but our kid's ages require different approaches when parenting them through these issues.

I gather the abandoned bowls and rinse them off as I go over my to-do list for the day in my head. Each kid has their own schedule to keep and homework to get done. There are the drop-off and pick-up schedules to mind and dinner to make. Should I tackle laundry first or work on my Bible study for discussion tonight? Oh, wait, I have a dance meeting at four! The little girls have dance rehearsal, Keenan has a concert, Moriah is heading to Sam’s house and Caleb will want to go hang out with a friend after school.

I feel the tightness in my neck and notice my shallow breathing. A wave of low-grade anger simmers below the surface. I’m not mad at people, I’m just frustrated my schedule is so crazy.

I’m overwhelmed by the physical, emotional, and spiritual needs of those around me. Really, I’d just like to escape.

Calm the Chaos

The busy days of kids at home are long gone, but I’ll never forget the feelings of overwhelm I lived with most of the time.

Our endless “to-do” list, unrealistic expectations, need for perfection, and limited capacity, leads to overwhelm.

Overwhelm manifests as racing thoughts, tightness in our chest, and weary bodies. We feel this immense pressure.

These past weeks we’ve been talking about hearing God’s voice, but this is very difficult for a person who is overwhelmed. The only voice we hear is the one that screams, “You’re not enough.” “This is too hard.” “Everyone is counting on me.” “If I say ‘no’, they’ll be disappointed in me.”

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Best Blog Posts of 2020

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Best Blog Posts of 2020


For December I’m highlighting some of my favorite posts from 2020. I hope this encourages you.

How to Feel Secure When You’re Upset

As we look at what it means to be secure in Christ, we need to remember it’s not just physically, but emotionally. When the circumstances in our lives are filled with pressure and we feel trapped by pain, loss, despair, or anxiety, there’s a place we can go for sweet relief.

“He brought me out into a spacious place; he rescued me because He delighted in me.”

Psalm 18:19

I’m Emotionally Spent

I’m feeling the weight of it all today. This diagnosis has robbed my husband, Bob, of the ability to speak clearly; his mobility is taxed and his energy drained. Bob’s anxiety shoots through the roof as he wakes up each day with different limitations. Chronic Progressive Multiple Sclerosis is a thief robbing him of his ability to work, provide, and engage in everyday life.

He retreats to his bed often, spent from emotional and physical exhaustion. Normally, he would push through exhaustion. He’s hard-headed, driven to accomplish tasks, and values hard work, however, his body defies his request to produce.

I’m left carrying the load with our three small children. The days feel long. I want to return to our old lives. This medical nightmare leaves me feeling alone and misunderstood. My days are filled with cooking, cleaning, parenting, and trying to navigate this ever-changing disease with my husband. There are new pressures and stress as we look forward to a disease with no cure. We face doctors who make educated guesses on how to treat the unending symptoms of memory loss, muscle spasms, tremors, and continuous nerve damage.

Each day I sneak away to a spacious place where God rescues me from worry, doubt, and fear. It’s not my reality, but by faith, I can confirm it’s existence. It’s a quiet place where Papa and I meet. I pour out my anguish, lost dreams, and endless trials. I unload my fears for the future, as the weight begins to lift. I rehearse the promises from scripture, and I hold on to hope, even when my reality is hopeless. I meditate on God’s goodness and character.

Being with Him, in this roomy space, helps me focus less on my troubles. Isn’t that the point of this walk with God, more of Him and less of me?

See, I imagine me and Papa in this perfect, expansive spot. This boundless area is void of sorrow and trouble. In my mind, it’s a meadow, full of flowers; the sun shines bright as God whispers His love. Other days I imagine a majestic mountain top, where God has brought me to sit with Him.

He stays with me and holds me. He tells me I’m seen. He speaks of His delight in me, which I can hardly believe because I’m just trying to hold it all together. He says, “Please don’t feel you must hold it all together, that’s my job. Your job is surrender.” I sigh and once again, release control, understanding, and will.

He assures me of His love and compassion in the messy middle of hardship. When I cry, “God, I can’t do this,” He lovingly asks me the same question. “Do you trust Me?” As warm tears roll down my cheeks, I whisper, “I do.”

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Best Blog Posts of 2020

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Best Blog Posts of 2020

For the month of December, I’m sharing some of my bests posts of 2020! Be encouraged, Beloved Friends!

She Loves God But He Seems Distant

I’ve been thinking about this woman a lot. Maybe you know her?

She loves God. She’s walked with Him for many years, but she’s tired. She’s tired of the same old relationship. She keeps trying to work her way to Him by doing all the right things. She’s diligent but utterly frustrated. Deep down she feels empty but doesn’t know what to do.

She loves God, but He seems distant and she can’t figure out why. She’s gone through her mental checklist:

  • I’m serving Him by giving of my time, gifts, and finances. Check.

  • I attend church regularly. Check.

  • I throw up some prayers in the morning. Check

  • I try to get along with my husband. Check.

  • I’m raising these kids the best I know-how. Check.

  • I try to read the Bible. Check.

Yet, even after doing all these things for God, she’s not quite connecting with God. She reads her Bible, but there’s no wonder jumping off the pages. She can’t always relate to the stories or understand how they apply to her. She tries to listen for God’s voice, but mostly she hears the lies of condemnation and shame, or she hears nothing at all. This reinforces her lack, which causes her to move farther away from God.

She’s praying about things, deep things, hard things, and yet it feels like her prayers bounce off the ceiling. She’s begged, pleaded, even bargained with God, and still, He doesn’t answer her prayers the way she wants, so she assumes He’s mad at her.

She longs for something deeper and richer but is frustrated with how to get there. The formulas fall flat, the awe of God is gone. She feels alone, isolated, and disappointed in her relationship with God.

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How To Have A Pure Heart With God

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How To Have A Pure Heart With God

Create in me a pure heart, O God, and renew a right spirit with me. Psalm 51:10

My Shattered Heart

I pull myself out of bed this early winter morning, groping for coffee, and slump into my favorite chair. I need this time with Papa while the house is still quiet. I tell Him all about the “mean people” in my life. I feel like a child tattle-telling to the teacher. I pour it out, all of it, as angry tears roll down my cheeks. It feels good to get it off my chest. I don’t pretend with God as He and I are open about everything.

I scan the Word for some truth that will penetrate my wounded heart. I’m too distracted by my pain. Nothing from the Bible is speaking to me so I slam it shut. I sit weepy and angry before God, secretly dreaming of how God will handle them. I feel a deep sense of injustice rising in my bones. Their behavior and judgments are laced with Pharisaical pride.

As I’m dreaming about how God will handle them, I hear the Spirit whisper, “this isn’t about them, this is about you.” I’m jostled back to my senses as Papa continues with these gentle words. “You are not responsible for their behavior, you’re only responsible for how you treat them.”

Well, Papa might as well punched me! But He is right. I’m responsible for the behavior and attitude that flows from my heart. God asks us to pray for those who hurt us. He even says to love our enemies. My heart sinks because I know it’s true.

In this tender moment, I ask God to create a pure heart in me. One that honors Him and does what He says, even when it’s hard and especially when I don’t want to. He reassures me that He will handle them as well, without my help. It’s shocking how God doesn’t need my help with others. The truth be known, I am only responsible for myself and my heart.

Our Heart Condition

In addition to humility, the next thing we need to look at is the state of our hearts. How does the condition of our hearts affect our connection with God and His ability to teach us? Only the pure in heart will see God. What does that mean for us when don’t always have the purest motives before God? What is the heart anyway?

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Humility Empowers Us to Connect Deeply With God.

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Humility Empowers Us to Connect Deeply With God.

“But He gives a greater grace. Therefore it says, “God is opposed to the proud, but gives grace to the humble.” - James 4:6

The Tension of Pride

I feel the pull of the Spirit as a battle rages in my thoughts. I’m tired of the ongoing conflict with a person at my church. Honestly, I can’t pinpoint how or why the conflict started. There are endless verbal scuffles that are exhausting. Maybe it’s because we’re both strong women. She’s thirty years older than me, and I feel like she should be the mature one. “Why do I have to apologize?”, I think. Yet, here I am on a Sunday morning, minding my own business, and God wants to deal with me.

“I don’t want to talk to her. I don’t want to face this. Lord, she’s just a crabby, bitter person. Why do I have to go to her?” My flesh does not want to do this, but God’s love compels me to do the right thing. I make the decision to apologize. I sigh and wipe the tears from my cheek. “God, I will humble myself and go to her.”

I gingerly approach Debra, and I pull her aside into a quiet classroom. I’m thankful there’s no one around, and God has provided this moment of privacy. She has no idea what I’m going to say. I see the tension in her face. I feel tightness in my back, but I approach her with humility and a warm smile. I feel a peace come over me as I apologize. Debra, grins and in her gravelly voice, says, “It’s okay, I forgive you.”

The conversation takes less than three minutes, but it changes our relationship forever. Humility shifts our perspective. The humble aren’t defensive or demanding. The lowly long to connect. No longer do I see her as a bitter woman, instead, I see her as a hurting woman who needs to be loved.

Humilities Way

Pride may be the strongest force keeping us from an intimate connection with God. If we’re honest, we all struggle with pride. I know I have for years. I’m constantly saying or doing the wrong thing because pride likes to have the upper hand. How do we recognize pride in ourselves?

Characteristics of pride:

*It’s bossy.

*It’s demanding

*It puffs up

*It judges others as inferior

*It hates correction

*It craves attention

*It needs to be right

When there’s tension in a relationship, often humility is the road to restoration.

Do you feel strain in your relationship with God? Are you avoiding Him altogether? Is there something God is asking you to humble yourself about, but you just don’t want to? Friend, I understand this heart stance well. I have struggled with pride. I want to be right, but I’ve found this isn’t the best avenue for true connection with God.

Humility leads to connection. Meekness says, “I’ll go low, God, so you can be exalted in me.” A humble heart recognizes it doesn’t know everything, and it wants to learn and grow.

True growth begins with laying down our rights and humbly asking God what He has for us in any area of our lives. God wants to nurture our relationships, our purpose, our future, but He cannot build us if our heart posture is arrogant.

God’s Word says He gives grace to the humble. Isn’t that a beautiful thought? God’s power is apportioned to those who lower themselves and ask for it. We can quiet ourselves before God, or He will humble us, and I promise the latter is more painful.

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Don't Be A Know It All With God.

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Don't Be A Know It All With God.

“Teach my Your way, O Lord, that I may live according to your truth! Grant me purity of heart, so that I may honor you.” Psalm 86:11 NLT

The next attribute we’ll focus on as we grow in our intimacy with God is having a teachable spirit. In order to feel closer to God, we need a stance of surrender and a moldable, teachable heart.

Here are a few questions to ask yourself:

* Am I teachable?

* Am I a “know it all”?

* Do I recognize the areas of my life that need growth and healing?

* Am I blind to the true state of my heart?

* Have I let apathy creep in so I’m content with the distance between me and God?

Hungry to Learn

I listen intently as the teacher talks about sanctification. He’s dressed in a suit and tie. He’s authoritative and strong, yet he has a warm smile. Everyone else in the room wears their Sunday best. He’s a wise man in our church, and the room is filled to capacity with eager learners of all ages. He stands in front of a large whiteboard filled with scripture and terms. I don't think I’ve ever heard the term sanctification. I’m new to Christ, and I’m hungry for knowledge. I know nothing of the Bible or principles of the Christian faith. I just know my life has changed, and I long for restoration and growth. It’s all-new, the terms are unfamiliar, but I soak up all the goodness, like a thirsty child drinking from the garden hose on a hot summer day.

I flip through my new Bible with the tabs because I’m not familiar with where the books are located. I feel child-like, filled with wonder and awe about all the things I can learn about God. The wise teacher asks questions, and I listen to the banter, hoping someday to contribute. My heart is set towards God, and I want to learn. Maybe one day I’ll have the courage to contribute to the discussion. Not today. For now, I’m comfortable being a student at Jesus’ feet, learning and growing in grace and knowledge. Teach me Lord, is the cry of my heart as I read the Word and continue to study.

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Vulnerability Brings Us Closer to God

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Vulnerability Brings Us Closer to God

“We come closer to God and approach him with an open heart, fully convinced that nothing will keep us at a distance from him.” -Hebrews 10:22 TPT

Honest Conversation With God

It’s late afternoon, in early spring, as I peer at the clouds outside my window. The grey day amplifies the dreariness in my heart; I cannot shake the sadness, as melancholy has is my unwelcome companion. My sunny disposition is buried in the loss of people, comfort, and health.

We are four weeks into the pandemic, and I have only left the house once a week for groceries and once a week on Sundays to go record the live stream message with my hubby, the pastor.

I crawl into my favorite chair in my office. I wrap myself in a cozy blanket, and I weep. The floodgates open as I unload my grief. I don’t even recognize it as grief, at first. I miss people. I miss connection and conversation. I’m worried about our grown kids. Will my elderly parents with fragile bodies survive this pandemic? I am also overwhelmed by the political upheaval in our nation. I pour out my sadness to Papa.

I don’t have to pretend with Papa. He already knows everything that’s going on inside. He doesn’t judge me or condemn me. I hear Him whisper, “Go ahead and cry, Honey. I’m right here. I know this is scary and unfamiliar. I know you miss all your people immensely, but I’m here, I’m with you. I’ll help you through this.”

I feel the warmth of God’s peace as real as my cozy blanket. I’m going to keep coming back to this place whenever I’m overwhelmed. Papa’s love calms me best. I’m glad I can be honest with Him. I’m thankful for His loving-kindness towards me in my pain.

God is Safe

There is nothing blocking us from being close to God because Jesus covers our shame. We are safe with God. He allows us to draw near with the full assurance of His love. The Father is happy to see us, but He’s not looking for the cleaned-up version of ourselves. He wants us to be “real.” He’s not looking for the Sunday morning, mask-wearing version. You know, the one that is polished, perfect, and says “I’m fine!” That version rarely draws near to God.

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Jesus Bore our Shame So We Can Be Close to God

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Jesus Bore our Shame So We Can Be Close to God

“Fixing our eyes on Jesus, the author and perfecter of faith, who for the joy set before Him endured the cross, despising the shame, and has sat down at the right hand of the throne of God.”- Hebrews 12:2

As we move forward with learning to be vulnerable to God, we must talk about how shame affects our relationship with our Creator. Shame keeps us from connection with God.

My Companion, Shame

I arrive early to high school and hear a commotion in the gym. I quietly open a side door so as to not draw attention and peer inside. The gym is filled with excited students, all standing at different tables with the State signs lifted high. It’s Student Council elections and oh, how I wish I was amidst the crowd of students. I’m organized, competent, and friendly, all the qualities necessary for leadership, but no one knows that about me.

Shame won’t allow me to join. Shame has been my constant companion for many years ever taunting me, crushing my heart, and making me feel small and worthless. She’s like a heavy, itchy coat I need to take off, but she keeps me safe, ever hidden, never exposed. She also hinders my ability to connect or belong.

Shame speaks loudly and harshly, filling my mind with words of condemnation. “You’re not good enough.” “If only they knew.” Shame belittles and lies. But I’m not strong enough to recognize the lies, so I continue to wear the uncomfortable coat.

Shame shapes every interaction I have with people. It makes me afraid to try new things for fear of rejection. Oh, how I resent those who are fearless. See, shame tells me I must pretend as I plaster on the smile and the optimistic outlook. Can they see the sadness behind my eyes? Is my brokenness amplified in their brave confidence? If they knew what was hidden inside, they’d want nothing to do with me.

Shame tells me I’m flawed, there’s no good in me. I imagine these kids in the gym come from beautiful families, where a peaceful conversation is held around the dinner table. They don’t go to sleep listening to the alcoholic step-dad arguing with their mom. If they knew what my home was like, they’d reject me, so instead, I hide.

Meeting Jesus at age twenty-one changes everything. I’m told He bore my sin and shame Himself. He literally took it for me. Jesus bore my shame on the cross, so I can draw near to God. God sees me as beautiful, cherished, lovely because Jesus stands between me and God. Jesus covers the ugliness of my sin and shame. It’s the best news I ever heard.

Brene Brown says, “People who aren’t good with vulnerability are usually really good at shame.”

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It's Safe to Be Vulnerable With God

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It's Safe to Be Vulnerable With God

“Behold you delight in truth in the inward being, and you teach me wisdom in the secret heart.”- Psalm 51:6

Vulnerability With God

As we grow in our intimate connection with God it’s important to learn to be vulnerable with God. Some believe vulnerability makes us weak or feel out of control. Others are afraid to be vulnerable with God because shame tells them they are not worthy. The truth is vulnerability is the gateway to connection.

When I was going through a particularly stressful season in our ministry life, I learned about the vulnerability of King David as described in the Psalms. David’s words are raw, honest, almost painful in their vulnerability. He pours out his heart to God like nothing I’ve ever seen. He would become the model I used for my relationship with God.

Let’s look at an example: Psalm 142:1-7

“I cry aloud to the Lord; I lift up my voice to the Lord for mercy. I pour out my complaint before him; before him, I tell my trouble. When my spirit grows faint within me, it is you who know my way. In the path where I walk men have hidden a snare for me. Look to my right and see; no one is concerned for me. I have no refuge. No one cares for my life.

I cry to you, Lord; I say, “You are my refuge, my portion, in the land of the living. Listen to my cry, for I am in desperate need; rescue me from those who pursue me, for they are too strong for me. Set me free from my prison, that I may praise your name. Then the righteous will gather about me because of your goodness to me.”

David is experiencing deep sorrow. He feels abandoned and in need. He feels emotionally exhausted and weak, but instead of hiding from God, he runs to God and pours it all out. There’s no hesitation, or mask. David feels seen, understood, and heard. He then goes on to declare the goodness of God. What a beautiful way to relate to God.

In her book, Daring Greatly, Brene Brown says this about vulnerability:

“Our rejection of vulnerability often stems from associating it with dark emotions like fear, shame, grief, sadness, and disappointment-emotions that we don’t want to discuss, even when they profoundly affect the way we live, love, and work. Vulnerability is the birthplace of love, belonging, joy, courage, empathy, and creativity. It is the source of hope, empathy, accountability, and authenticity. If we want greater clarity in our purpose or deeper and more meaningful spiritual lives, vulnerability is the path.”

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Closeness With God Begins With Longing

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Closeness With God Begins With Longing

“I stretch out my hands to you; my soul longs for you as a parched land.”- Psalm 143:6

The place we need to start in order to feel closer to God is our longing. Most of us have buried it deep beneath our overextended schedules and our religious activity. When you have the courage to bring longing out in the presence of God, you will have a beautiful connection.

Empty

I sit in the early morning, coffee in hand, Bible opened, notebook ready to record my thoughts, and I feel empty. Warm tears fall as I pay attention to my soul. I’m weary from serving everyone and everything. I’m a pastor's wife, a mother of five, a volunteer, an employee, a friend, a parent stretched from all the kid’s activities. The weight of ministry demands coupled with the busy family has wrung me out.

I don’t know how to say “ no.” I overestimate my capacity then feel bitter when I have no margin in my days. And where’s God in all this hustling? He seems far away. Our relationship has gone cold. I’ve lost the wonder of sitting at His feet and embracing His heart. I’ve become too busy doing things FOR Him instead of sitting WITH Him. I need to make some changes. Longing is stirring within and I need to pay attention.

When was the last time you felt it-your own longing, that is? Your longing for love, your longing for God, your longing to live your life as it is meant to be lived in God? When was the last time you felt a longing for healing and fundamental change groaning within you?” -Ruth Haley Barton, Sacred Rhythms

Honestly, if I hadn’t read Haley Barton’s book I couldn’t have told you it was a longing that was stirring. I’d pushed my longing aside. It was buried deep, and I left no room for it to come out. It was hidden beneath my busy schedule and my service for God. It wasn’t safe to face my longing because I wasn’t sure anything would change. I faced my longing once and nothing came of it. The thought of being disappointed again made me want to keep my desires quiet. Instead, this time, I took the brave step and brought my longing out in the presence of God, and it was life-changing.

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She Loves God, But She's A Little Tired.

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She Loves God, But She's A Little Tired.

e been thinking about this woman a lot. Maybe you know her?

She loves God. She’s walked with Him for many years, but she’s tired. She’s tired of the same old relationship. She keeps trying to work her way to Him by doing all the right things. She’s diligent but utterly frustrated. Deep down she feels empty but doesn’t know what to do.

She Loves God, But He Seems Distant

She loves God, but He seems distant and she can’t figure out why. She’s gone through her mental checklist:

  • I’m serving Him by giving of my time, gifts, and finances. Check.

  • I attend church regularly. Check.

  • I throw up some prayers in the morning. Check

  • I try to get along with my husband. Check.

  • I’m raising these kids the best I know-how. Check.

  • I try to read the Bible. Check.

    Yet, after doing all these things for God, she’s not quite connecting with God. She reads her Bible, but there’s no wonder jumping off the pages. She can’t always relate to the stories or understand how they apply to her. She tries to listen for God’s voice, but mostly she hears the lies of condemnation and shame, or she hears nothing at all. This reinforces her lack, which causes her to move farther away from God.

    She’s praying about things: deep things, hard things, and yet it feels like her prayers bounce off the ceiling. She’s begged, pleaded, even bargained with God, and still, He doesn’t answer her prayers the way she wants, so she assumes He’s mad at her.

    She longs for something deeper and richer but is frustrated with how to get there. The formulas fall flat, the awe of God is gone. She feels alone, isolated, and disappointed in her relationship with God.

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I Am God's Beloved

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I Am God's Beloved

Today I’m wrapping up this six-month series on our Identity in Christ. We’ve talked about what it means to be loved, accepted, significant, forgiven, and secure. I’ve endeavored to give you an overview of who you are in Christ. There is so much more to share on this topic, and I will cover more in the future. I hope it’s left you longing to be renewed by Jesus.

Identity In Christ

A friend shared this photo of a pile of sprinkles on Instagram, and it captivates me. It’s joyful, bright, happy, and beautiful. It’s sweet and reminds me of my identity in Christ. God takes our brokenness and sprinkles it with good things like love, peace, acceptance, forgiveness, and belonging. Each attribute He gives is a reflection of Himself. He is everything good and gives good gifts. We don’t have to earn these gifts; they are free to receive.

Why is it that so many miss out on being sprinkled with His love and acceptance? Is it because we don’t know all Christ has done for us? Is it because the pain has clouded our view of God?

Broken Identity

As a child and teen, growing with a father and step-father who struggled with alcoholism, I wasn’t aware I could have a different perspective. I believe the negative labels, convinced they were my identity. In my youth, my labels are:

Rejected

Broken

Daughter of an Alcoholic

Trailer Trash

Fearful

Insecure

My experiences confirmed it, and I was certain to remain these labels forever until I met Jesus at age twenty-one. The trajectory of my life was changed forever as I began to peel back the layers of pain, and learn the truth about who I was in Christ. He taught me I was His beloved.

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I'm Assured God Works For Good In Every Situation

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I'm Assured God Works For Good In Every Situation

In the midst of pandemics and social injustice, it seems ridiculous to mention, my tailbone, but here I am. For a few years in my early forties, I practiced Pilates. Pilates is a workout of stretching and toning. It’s low impact and seems good for this reluctant exerciser. A lot of the moves are performed sitting on your tailbone. As a result of these exercises, I develop a bone spur on my tailbone. I know, go ahead and laugh, because I think it’s absurd too.

It’s been ten years since the spur first developed. Removing it isn’t an option because it’s risky surgery, but, hey, it only hurts when I sit or lie. I’ve tried a few different coccyx cushions, but it’s embarrassing lugging those around, so I shift in my chair; surprisingly, soft chairs cause more pain than hard.

Adding insult to injury, I was rear-ended in 2014, on a sunny September day, which left me with chronic neck and mid-back pain. During months of doctoring, I also discovered I have rare thoracic scoliosis. My once healthy body seems to reject healing.

After years of therapy, massages, chiropractic care, and non-traditional treatments I gave up on pursuing healing via medical doctors. The physical pain of varying degrees is now a part of my daily life.

As a normally joyful, optimistic person, I don’t mention my pain often. I don’t see the point in wallowing in it or bringing it up. If I’m having a rough day, my hubby knows, and he’s faithful to pray for me.

I believe in the healing power of God. I’ve witnessed miracles of healing and restoration, personally. It’s a little bone spur, and the God of the universe could flick it off if He wanted, and yet, He does not.

There are seasons where I cry out to God for healing and others where I remain silent. If I’m honest, on my worse days, I feel disappointed and overlooked. It’s on my low days, Papa and I talk; I confess my frustrations and am met with bundles of compassion for God is familiar with pain. He is equally present with me in my joy and my pain. As we talk, He leads me back to the truth from His Word about His goodness.

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How To Feel Secure When You're Upset

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How To Feel Secure When You're Upset

As we look at what it means to be secure in Christ, we need to remember it’s not just physically, but emotionally. When the circumstances in our lives are filled with pressure and we feel trapped by pain, loss, despair, or anxiety, there’s a place we can go for sweet relief.

“He brought me out into a spacious place; he rescued me because He delighted in me.” -Psalm 18:19

Pressure

I’m feeling the weight of it all today. This diagnosis has robbed my husband, Bob, of the ability to speak clearly; his mobility is taxed and his energy drained. Bob’s anxiety shoots through the roof as he wakes up each day with different limitations. Chronic Progressive Multiple Sclerosis is a thief robbing him of his ability to work, provide, and engage in everyday life.

He retreats to his bed often, spent from emotional and physical exhaustion. Normally, he would push through exhaustion. He’s hard-headed, driven to accomplish tasks, and values hard work, however, his body defies his request to produce.

I’m left carrying the load with our three small children. The days feel long. I want to return to our old lives. This medical nightmare leaves me feeling alone and misunderstood. My days are filled with cooking, cleaning, parenting, and trying to navigate this ever-changing disease with my husband. There are new pressures and stress as we look forward to a disease with no cure. We face doctors who make educated guesses on how to treat the unending symptoms of memory loss, muscle spasms, tremors, and continuous nerve damage.

Each day I sneak away to a spacious place where God rescues me from worry, doubt, and fear. It’s not my reality, but by faith, I can confirm it’s existence. It’s a quiet place where Papa and I meet. I pour out my anguish, lost dreams, and endless trials. I unload my fears for the future, as the weight begins to lift. I rehearse the promises from scripture, and I hold on to hope, even when my reality is hopeless. I meditate on God’s goodness and character.

Being with Him, in this roomy space, helps me focus less on my troubles. Isn’t that the point of this walk with God, more of Him and less of me?

See, I imagine me and Papa in this perfect, expansive spot. This boundless area is void of sorrow and trouble. In my mind, it’s a meadow, full of flowers; the sun shines bright as God whispers His love. Other days I imagine a majestic mountain top, where God has brought me to sit with Him.

He stays with me and holds me. He tells me I’m seen. He speaks of His delight in me, which I can hardly believe because I’m just trying to hold it all together. He says, “Please don’t feel you must hold it all together, that’s my job. Your job is surrender.” I sigh and once again, release control, understanding, and will.

He assures me of His love and compassion in the messy middle of hardship. When I cry, “God, I can’t do this,” He lovingly asks me the same question. “Do you trust Me?” As warm tears roll down my cheeks, I whisper, “I do.”

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