4 Ways to Rely On God

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4 Ways to Rely On God

“Come away with me and you’ll recover your life.” Matthew 11:28 The Message

Sleepless Nights

The house is quiet, the only light comes from her bedside table where her phone is charging. Denise flops over angrily in bed to check the time on her phone. It registers 2:13 am; it’s been 40 minutes since she last looked. She sighs heavily as frustration rises in her soul as the uncontrollable thoughts race through her mind. She wonders about her daughter, Lizzie, away at college. Is she safe? Is she making friends? Is she making wise choices? Will she go crazy with all the freedom she has now? Will she go to church? Does she think about God anymore?

Denise tugs at her blankets and stares at the ceiling feeling lost and uncertain now that her daughter has moved away. “What am I supposed to do now? Who am I apart from my motherhood? What am I going to do with my time now that I don’t have all her activities to go to?” she wonders.

Her thoughts turn to God. “Do you even care? You seem so far away? I feel unsure, unsteady and overwhelmed. Why does it have to be like this? This ache in my chest won’t go away and I don’t know what to do about it. I can’t steady my thoughts. I can’t find You in my grief. Where are you God? I feel alone and abandoned.”


Change

I remember the sleepless nights after launching a child into the world and the ache I carried through my days. Everything in my world changed, and I didn’t know what I was supposed to do with this pain? How could I rely on God to get me through this heartache?

We all face this shift in our motherhood as we launch our children into the world. We long for the familiar, but we can’t find it because everything has changed. We wonder where God is, like He’s playing some cruel game of hide and seek. We feel unsettled and ill-equipped. How do we rely on Him in this season? What does that look like and how can it help relieve our pain?

How to Rely on God

We have some powerful words from Jesus, to anchor our souls on in Matthew 11:28-30:

“Are you tired? Worn out? Burned out on religion? Come to me. Get away with me and you’ll recover your life. I’ll show you how to take a real rest. Walk with me and work with me—watch how I do it. Learn the unforced rhythms of grace. I won’t lay anything heavy or ill-fitting on you. Keep company with me and you’ll learn to live freely and lightly.” - Matthew 11:28-30 The Message

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4 Things A Mom Needs To Know Before College Drop Off

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4 Things A Mom Needs To Know Before College Drop Off

“Trust in the Lord and do good.Then you will live safely in the land and prosper.” Psalm 37:3 NLT

Move In Day

The August sun beat down as we unloaded our overpacked cars and schlepped items up to the third floor of her dorm. We passed sweaty students, as eager parents made sense of the small spaces. Our youngest daughter, Keziah was bright with excitement as we unpacked boxes and got her closet arranged just right. Her dad lugged the refrigerator up three flights and lofted the bed. We were thankful for a breeze through her window.

We gobbled some Chick Fil-A, made a Target run, then one last sweep of her room. She plopped down on her cute futon under the lofted bed with the matching comforter and fluffy throw pillows. She looked content in her space, with little plants speckled about the room. She seemed ready. This was our cue to head home.

Why did she seem so assured and confident? This one was fiercely independent. All I could think of was I wouldn’t see her sweet face every day. A lump formed in my throat as we said our goodbyes. Soft tears rolled down our cheeks. I think she cried for us more than herself. We knew this young woman would prosper in every way.

The three hour ride home was quiet for my hubby and I. All I could think about was how fast those eighteen years with her went. After 30 years of parenting our five kids, the nest was empty. Though I have made this transition five times, it never got easier for me.

Transition

When we drop our child at college, it is one of the biggest transitions we will make as a mom.

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4 Things To Do If You're Serious About Respect

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4 Things To Do If You're Serious About Respect

“So whatever you wish that others would do to you, do also to them, for this is the Law and the Prophets.”-Matthew 7:12

As Children Change

As my grown children left home and ventured into the big world, some of them came back with new ideas or fresh insights that were contrary to how they were raised. Initially I viewed these differences as a reflection of me, and I felt like a failure as their mother.

I thought, “This isn’t how I raised you. How can you possibly think that way about these issues?” I wanted to fight back with all the reasons they were wrong, but I knew that wouldn’t get us anywhere. I needed to shift and think less about myself and realize they were autonomous humans who were free to think whatever they wanted about society.

This is a season of great change for both mom and her adult child. Our children will test theories and wrestle with what they believe about themselves, society, and God. Growth is required for both of us and respect is the channel which fuels positive change.

The Need To Respect

I needed to extend respect through the way we communicated. But not the insincere “grin and bear it” sort. I desired to truly honor them as humans. As a follower of Christ, honor is due even when we disagree.

I concentrated on my connection with God. He became my source of comfort as I poured out my woes. My calmness, genuine respect, and gentle words ruled our interactions. I wasn’t required to agree with my grown child; I was simply asked to respect them each time we talked.

This was not easy at first! Where there was once frustration and a simmering inside, I’ve learned to talk peacefully. I practice patience and surrender all the emotions to God instead of flinging piercing words at my children. This took years of practice.

We don’t want to behave in a negative way, but sometimes it is painful for us to respect a child who sees the world differently from how we raised them because we think respect means acceptance. I don’t believe these words are synonymous.

Hurtful words flung in an emotional moment cause a rift in our relationships. We realize respect is the better way. When we give respect we usher in grace, peace and God’s presence.

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8 Awesome Bible Verses To Study About Communication

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8 Awesome Bible Verses To Study About Communication

“Let your speech always be gracious, seasoned with salt, so that you may know how you ought to answer each person.” -Colossians 4:6

Hard Conversations

Amanda leaned against the kitchen counter, arms crossed, as she faced her young adult daughter, Rachel. Rachel’s eyes were downcast, fearing the conversation. “I know this isn’t going to go well, she thought, “but here we go again.”

“Mom, I just don't want to go to college!” Rachel pleaded. “It’s a stupid waste of money. I don’t even know what I want to do with my life. Why do I have to go? Can’t I just kick back for a year and see what happens?”

Amanda braced herself for the exchange as she felt the tension in her upper back. “Why in the world would you take a year off? That’s just stupid. You think you can just slide into adulthood? It doesn’t work like that. Around here, we do the work. You should definitely register for classes at the university. You’ll be fine.”

The tension hung in the air as Rachel slipped away, defeated and wondered, “When will she ever stop making suggestions and listen to what I have to say?”

Is this type of conversation familiar in your home?

I didn’t mean to give unsolicited advice, yet suggestions quickly rolled off my tongue, and I saw the ache behind my adult child’s eyes when I offered advice.

In an effort to protect our kids, or show them the path ahead could be harmful, we overstep. We talk too much. We say things like, “You should…” or “Why don’t you…” We magnify the situation, resulting in conflict.

We say they are being rebellious or disagreeable, but if we are honest, we are irritated that they will not do what we want. Our adult kids are no longer children and they are not required to obey us (Ephesians 6:1). This is a hard shift for moms to understand.

Gracious Speech

No mom intentionally sets out to frustrate her adult children, but in our carelessness we often cause harm.

Gaining a fresh perspective from God’s Word is what we need. It’s helpful to remember God cares about how we speak.

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Why You Need A New Way Of Thinking To Release Expectations

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Why You Need A New Way Of Thinking To Release Expectations

“Don’t copy the behavior and customs of this world, but let God transform you into a new person by changing the way you think. Then you will learn to know God’s will for you, which is good and pleasing and perfect.” Romans 2:12

Tearful Talk

I plopped down next to my oldest son, Keenan as he rested his achy joints. A battle with arthritis had significantly affected his young body. Often he needed to stretch out because sitting exacerbates his pain. “You all right, Bud?” I asked with warm eyes. “Yes, I’m just stretching.” I pulled a blanket over my legs, as a cool breeze floated through an open window.

“You okay, mom?” he asked as he sensed my melancholy. “Yea, I’m okay, just a little sad that we have to leave again. You know this part is hard for me. When you were little I never imagined our family would be spread across the country like this,” I whispered, as warm tears rolled down my cheeks.

With the wisdom of a first-born he said, “I’m sorry this is hard for you, mom, but maybe it won’t be this way forever. It’s the season in life where the kids are venturing out. We’re learning independence. It’s good for us. Maybe one day we will all live closer.” I blew my nose again and hoped what he said would come true.

I never thought what our family would look like once the kids were grown. Perhaps I was in denial? I never thought about the future beyond their growing up years. I assumed we would all live somewhere in Minnesota, our home state. Yet, here we are, with five grown kids, spread out in Illinois, Minnesota, Missouri, Iowa and soon to be Utah. One child will be nineteen hours away.

I honestly didn’t see that coming. Perhaps you’re like me and wonder how we ended up with so much physical distance between our kids? Maybe you carry a different expectation that didn’t quite go the way you imagined. Are you shocked by it, too?

What do we do with our collective grief? How do we release expectations and come to a beautiful place of acceptance? Where is God in all of this? Does He even care about us?

The Big Book for recovery says this about expectations: “Expectations are premeditated resentments.” Ouch, momma, that one hurts, doesn’t it? We have a choice to make when it comes to our adult kids. We can require them to meet our expectations, thus making them miserable and bound, or we can lean into God’s loving hand and receive the grace to let go and accept the changes.

I cringe a little when I hear mommas say, “My kids will never leave me.” I do not believe we have the right to say such a thing. Our children are not made to meet our expectations. They are called by God to build their own lives.

What can we do to lean into God as we unravel the emotional overwhelm of releasing expectations? How do we actually lay them down? How do we quiet the demands of our selfish hearts?

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Strategies to Consider for Expectations

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Strategies to Consider for Expectations

“Let us then with confidence draw near to the throne of grace, that we may receive mercy and find grace to help in time of need.” Hebrews 4:16

A Realization

She slowly guided the delicate bridal gown over her long frame, moving as if it were a fragile china cup. The dress fit her perfectly, enhancing her natural beauty. The cathedral length veil held the drama she had hoped for, and I thought my heart might explode when I saw the joy captured on her face. This was going to be a day to remember, as Rebekah and Ryan became husband and wife.

A lump formed in my throat as my chest grew tight, and I didn’t hold back the bittersweet tears. Though I was thrilled she was marrying Ryan, I realized she wasn’t mine anymore. From this day forward, our relationship would be different.

Rebekah and I shared a deep bond; talking was “our thing.” We shared coffee dates with meaningful conversation. She prattled on about her friends, her struggles, and her beau. We chatted every Sunday for the four years she was away at college. We laughed hysterically as she regaled her adventures at university, and we cried together when she was overwhelmed and lonely.

I prayed for her as she drove those seven hours, either to campus or back home, all alone, checking my phone app often to make sure she was safe. I wondered, was it even wise to allow a young woman to travel alone, for such a long distance?

The day we dropped her at the far-away place, we sat through the welcome service at her Christian college and tears rolled down our cheeks. I scrounged through my purse, digging for more tissues as waves of unexpected grief crashed through our morning. We wept through the service, wiping away tears with our lunch napkins, mostly trying to avert the gaze of onlookers, and we bawled as we drove away leaving our baby, to figure it all out, alone. It was a melancholy seven-hour ride home. I’ll never forget the look on her fragile face as we drove away. She seemed much too young to be in this big world by herself, in a place where she had no one to cling to.

How would we ever get used to the distance between us? What was I going to do without Rebekah? Within the first semester, she wasn’t sure she would survive her new world. Between the drama with a friend group, annoyance with a roommate, and a longing for the familiar, she persevered through the usual growing pains of college.

Rebekah got braver and more involved, and tried new things, as she began to grow. She ventured away from home and discovered who she was, developing her strengths as a leader and learning significant life lessons in this protected community. During her sophomore year, our girl reconnected with Ryan, whom she had met at church camp when they were fourteen and sixteen, and they fell in love.

I dreamed of having grown kids nearby; we would have coffee dates and family dinners, and sleepovers with grandkids and “cousin camp” would be part of our routine. High hopes and expectations ruled my days, but my dream of having this one near was not to be.

Fast forward to her wedding day, my dreams shattered as reality dawned, she had built a life with Ryan, far away, and it hurt. My vision of having her near was gone as they began their professional careers, bought a house, and a dog, 437 excruciatingly long miles away from me.

What’s a midlife mom to do with a heart full of expectations for her kids? How in the world does she shift from this leading role in her child’s life to a supportive role where her adult child is now free to make their own choices?

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Lessons On Love From A Father

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Lessons On Love From A Father

“Filled with love and compassion, he ran to his son, embraced him, and kissed him.”-Luke 15:20

An Invitation to Love

Angela struggled as she watched her daughter, Jessica, walk away from the faith of her youth. Maybe it’s not so much that she walked away, as she added fresh perspectives on faith. Away from family, she was free to hear new ideas on religion, culture, and belief systems. A secular world view was presented in the college classrooms. Belief in God was scoffed at by her professors. Jessica loved God, but doubts clouded her decisions. The familiar voice of the Tempter rang in her ears, “Did God really say that?”

College life offered freedom from the restrictions and rules of her youth. Independence and free thinking wooed her away from God.

These changes alarmed Angela, but she pressed in and focused on God. One day as she sat with her Maker, in prayer, He gave her a profound revelation. She thought, “just because my daughter is making different choices, does not permit us from being close. I’m still free to love her deeply, and give the rest to God. Only the Holy Spirit can convict, convince, or teach her. My role, in that sense, is over. It is not my job anymore, now that she is an adult. My most significant job is to love her well.”

This fresh understanding buoyed Angela. It took away the feelings of shame and regret, like she had somehow parented her daughter wrong. Shame no longer plagued her, and she was free to maintain a close bond with her daughter. Worry was replaced with peace, and Angela surrendered her daughter to God, trusting His activity in Jessica’s life. All pressure was removed and devotion flowed easily,

Midlife momma, we might experience this with our adult children. They will walk away from their faith, and we will need to figure out what to do. Will we be embittered and judgmental, a Pharisee of sorts, pointing out all their wrongs? Will we lead with love? Will we allow them to wrestle with their faith without fearing they come to a different conclusion than we had hoped?

How we treat this child will likely change the trajectory of their life.

Let’s take our cues from a well known story in Luke about a father and a son. Most commentators focus on the son’s behavior, but today I want to lean in and watch what the father does. The story goes like this:

The son grew weary of being home, so he asked his father for his inheritance. The father gave it, and the son went off to live life with no restraint. He did what he wanted. He was careless and reckless. He squandered his inheritance leaving himself poor and destitute, begging for food. He remembered his father and returned home.

“So he returned home to his father. And while he was still a long way off, his father saw him coming. Filled with love and compassion, he ran to his son, embraced him, and kissed him. His son said to him, ‘Father, I have sinned against both heaven and you, and I am no longer worthy of being called your son. But his father said to the servants, ‘Quick! Bring the finest robe in the house and put it on him. Get a ring for his finger and sandals for his feet. And kill the calf we have been fattening. We must celebrate with a feast, for this son of mine was dead and has now returned to life. He was lost, but now he is found.’ So the party began. Luke 15:20-24

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How To Trust God

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How To Trust God

“When I am afraid, I put my trust in you. In God, whose word I praise, in God I trust; I will not be afraid. What can flesh do to me?”-Psalm 56:3-4

Desperate Situations

I reached for my phone, as my Moriah’s name appeared on the screen. “I need to get out, mom,” she said resolutely. I sighed a prayer of relief. I rearranged my schedule and drove the four and half hours to help her pack. Thoughts rolled through my head, on the tedious drive, as I flung desperate prayers to heaven. God please, let him not be there. Please help us get her packed quickly. Please heal her broken heart. Fear and relief marched side by side in my mind.

We huddled in the closet of her loft apartment in downtown Des Moines. The concrete floors were cold beneath us, indicative of the mood, as Moriah riffled through her clothes.

Hot tears streamed down her face, as anguished cries escaped her mouth. “I’ve ruined everything. My life is one big disappointment!”

I sat beside her, heartbroken and afraid. What can I do? What should I say? These questions raced through my head as my daughter prepared to leave an unhealthy relationship. I waffled between resentment and hopefulness.

I felt satisfied with her determination to acknowledge and respond to the red flags in her relationship. But at that moment, I was certain my heart would break for her vulnerable state. “You are the bravest young woman, I know.” I choked.

I held her tight, willing her to receive some of my strength. God met us there, on the frigid floor. She may not have recognized it, in her pain, but He buoyed me, as my heart sank. I had never experienced this depth of powerlessness with my child. I doubted my skills to handle it well. I was desperate for Godly wisdom.

Oh, how I wanted to rescue and fix her all those months. We had conversations about his behavior and what it meant. Deep down, I resented him, but I simply said, “if you stay, it will be hard.” I could not tell her to leave because it was not my place. She had to realize the complexities of her situation and make her own decision. By the grace of God, she did, as courage welled within her.

Midlife momma, our children will face situations where we will want to fix and rescue. We will want to scream, “Don’t do that!” but in this phase with our kids, we must hold our tongues. This will be the season we cling to God. We will trust Him.

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How Trustworthy is God?

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How Trustworthy is God?

“The LORD is my strength and my shield; in him my heart trusts, and I am helped; my heart exults, and with my song I give thanks to him.”-Psalm 28:7

Sleepless Nights

I roll over and see the red numbers of the digital clock mocking me again. It’s 4:00am, two hours until the alarm blares. I sigh heavily, hoping to turn off the thoughts rolling through my head. Sleep isn’t my friend lately. Is it menopause or is it worry? Sometimes it’s hard to tell, but tonight I’m thinking about my grown kids. They’re all navigating hard situations while I feel overwhelmed and helpless.

Keenan has been battling an undiagnosed condition for nearly a year. He’s had countless scans, blood work, and still no answers. Every joint in his body aches, and he can barely walk. His life has been drastically affected.

Moriah desperately desires a career in her field. She’s spent months hunting for jobs, and no one will take a chance on her even with a master’s degree. She’s bright, driven, creative and hard working. Her retail management position leaves her drained and unfulfilled.

Caleb is wrestling with future plans. Should he and his new bride move across the country? But, then they’ll be starting over and far from family. They need clarity for the right decision.

Rebekah holds a taxing university job and is pursuing her masters degree. Her husband works for a large church that is understaffed. They have little margin in their days and are pushed to exhaustion.

Keziah is newly married and navigating that along with a demanding role in a college ministry, a part time job, and finishing up her undergrad degree in May.

So, I toss and turn, fretting and frustrated. I can’t change anything. I am powerless to help them, but there’s one thing I can do. I can entrust them to my powerful King.

I roll out of bed and head to the quiet place. Bible in hand and a pile of snotty tissues, I pray to my trustworthy God. I recount His promises and let go, again. I exchange my fear for His confidence. I lay the burdens down as I allow my heart to trust Him.

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What To Do When An Apology Is Rejected

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What To Do When An Apology Is Rejected

Then Jesus said, “Come to me, all of you who are weary and carry heavy burdens, and I will give you rest.”- Matthew 11:28 NLT

Restless

Sarah crawls to her chair, defeated before she tries to connect with God. Her nights are filled with memories of conversations she’s had with her distant child. She hasn’t slept well for months.

They used to be so close. “What happened?” she wonders. She rehearses each conversation in her mind, doubting every word she speaks. “Should I have said this? Did I do it wrong, God? I was trying to do the right thing, but now I’m all alone.”

Hot tears stain her Bible as she continually rehearses the hurt. These thoughts run through her mind constantly, stealing her peace. She’s prayed, begged God and apologized so many times, yet her grown child remains aloof and unphased by her kind gesture.

Sarah strains to find the good in God’s Word. Hopelessness consumes her as she wades through her days in a continuous fog of pain, self-loathing, shame and doubt.

What’s a mom to do when a child won’t receive her apology? Where does she turn? How does she find peace and hope again after she’s been battered by one she’s loved deeply?

Complex Topic

This topic of apologizing is complex and difficult to navigate. Please know my heart is not to bring condemnation nor provide simple answers. Let’s wade through this topic together, extending grace as we go.

There are two camps when it comes to apologizing:

-The Prideful: They bristle and won’t budge and would never apologize to their grown children. I’ve seen it in families, and it’s caused irreparable harm in their relationship. There is distance and harshness all around.

-The Hopeless: They have apologized profusely and are left in a pile of brokenness, wishing they could change their relationship, but their child refuses their love and kindness. This is the most heartbreaking of all.

Most of us probably fall somewhere in the middle on our ability to apologize and see progress in our relationship with our adult kids. So let’s address the hopeless today because my heart breaks for these moms.

There is no greater pain than when you’ve humbled yourself before someone to apologize and they don’t accept your words. What are we to do with our bleeding heart? What does this mean for our relationship with our adult child?

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The Power of An Apology

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The Power of An Apology

“Be completely gentle and humble, be patient, bearing with one another in love.”-Ephesians 4:2

That Annoying Sound

The sound machine, on high volume, swooshed the most annoying sound. It didn’t replicate ocean waves, at all, as the high volume distorted into jarring white noise. It grated on my soul. I tossed and turned in restless fits as our infant grandson, Gus, slept peacefully. We had the only guest bedroom at Mom and Don’s condominium and we had to share with Gus because he needed a dark room and the noise machine to sleep. Everyone else was laid out on air mattresses in the living room. This was our only alternative if I wanted a comfy bed versus a lumpy air mattress.

I flipped and flopped all night long, deeply annoyed by the offensive sound. Gus was sound asleep. Couldn’t I just turn it down a little? Every time I tried, Gus woke up and Keenan, his dad, would come in and comfort him. This went on all night. I was frustrated. Keenan was agitated and we couldn’t wait for the dawn to break, so we could end this insanity.

At morning's arrival, Keenan asked to talk to me. He was livid. We sat on the edge of the bed, while everyone else was still asleep. With our bedhead and bleary-eyes, I could see the anger and hurt on his face. He told me how he felt. I was crushed by hurting him. I listened and let him pour out the pain and then I did the only thing I could do. I apologized.

I was broken for hurting him, and for being so selfish about the stupid sound machine. I had dismissed his parenting choice, which hurt him deeply. He realized he may have overreacted from the sheer exhaustion of it all. Hot tears fell, but we wrapped up the conversation with a big hug. We extended grace to each other.

Apologize, Mom

Most often the conflicts or tension we experience in our relationships are because both parts are contributing to the stress. It’s never just one or the other. As we navigate this new way of relating to our kids, it’s often hard for moms to change roles. It’s difficult to not make all the decisions anymore. Resentment can grow quickly when communication or expectations have been challenging.

The antidote for bitterness is a gentle tone and a quick apology. It diffuses conflict and brings the relationship back to civility. The tension is removed and a tone of understanding and respect returns.

Are you the kind of mom who apologizes easily or are you a bit too proud for that? Are you the mom who squares her shoulders and digs in her heels with her adult kids? Do you set your jaw and harden your heart in conflict? Conflicts will come; they’re inevitable in this season of parenting. Apologizing is helpful.

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Three Ways to Use Restraint While Listening to Your Adult Child

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Three Ways to Use Restraint While Listening to Your Adult Child

“A wise man will hear and increase in learning.” -Proverbs 1:5

Quiet Conversations

It was late at night as we gathered as a family after Keziah and Forrest’s wedding rehearsal dinner. The room was buzzing with conversation and laughter, as Keenan, our oldest son, pulled me aside and wanted to talk. Keenan’s not one for small talk and neither am I. I love to get to the heart of the matter in our conversations. We’re not afraid to be honest and vulnerable with each other. Usually our conversations involve tears because that’s how we’re wired. We sat on the kitchen stools as he started the conversation. He was animated and passionate because that’s his personality.

I didn’t agree with everything he said, but I knew the greatest gift I could give him in this moment was my undivided attention and a listening ear. I leaned in and looked him in the eye, and I saw nothing but love and compassion. I tuned out the rest of the family because this was important to him, and I wanted him to know it was important to me too.

As he spoke, I proposed in my heart to listen for understanding. I wanted to hear beyond the words to the message between the lines. I wanted to comprehend his heart. I was going to set aside my agenda, my opinion, and truly hear him.

He gave me the opportunity to share my heart too. But I did it with humility, relying on the power of God. I walked away from the conversation knowing I had heard him and validated his opinion. I leaned in, was present, and truly heard where he was at. I felt like the right thing to do.

Listen With Restraint

Listening doesn’t have to be a grin and bear it exercise, as you grit your teeth in frustration. Listening is a gift of love, an act of surrender, and a partnership with the Divine, even when your relationship with your adult child is complicated and messy. Especially when what you are hearing is different from what you believe or agree with.

Listening well communicates compassion, validation, and empathy. Paying attention is the one benefit we can freely give. It’s an opportunity for grace to flow.

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Four Ways to Move Away From A Pleaser Mentality

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Four Ways to Move Away From A Pleaser Mentality

I have a treat for you today, friends. My friend, Heather Bjur offers a clinical perspective on what is happening for the pleaser. You’re going to love this!

Confronted

He looked me in the eye and very matter-of-factly said, “Heather, your persona is ugly.”

My fork, laden with that day’s salad bar offerings, stopped mid-air.

I glanced down at my lunch, having suddenly lost my appetite.

In five words, Larry Crabb exposed my deepest fear and my one tried-and-true mechanism for making life work. I wanted to appear intelligent, competent, and most of all, likeable. I thought these attributes I was pushing to the forefront were attractive, and while they are when emanating from a place of authenticity and humility, I was beginning to discover my persona had nothing to do with either.

I felt like barfing.

The Mask

Each of us operates with what Larry calls a persona: a mask that hides our true self. As we grew up, we discovered that in order to live in our environment, we needed to curb certain parts of our personalities, and magnify others. For many, myself included, that involved working hard to be pleasing to others. Sometimes this behavior is also called codependency. We all have different reasons for doing what we do; some grew up in alcoholic homes where being on guard with your best behavior was necessary for survival in the face of a drunk, angry parent. Some of us found we had more friends if we conformed to what we perceived others wanted us to be.

Whatever the underlying impetus for adopting a ‘pleaser’ mentality, there are two core truths pleasers have in common.

1. Self-Forfeiture. Our job, as children, is to learn from the adults in our lives who we are and how we fit into the world. When our family of origin is in any way dysfunctional, children are often left to ‘fend for ourselves’ emotionally, thus growing up with an emotional, and subsequently, relational deficit.

“A dysfunctional family does not acknowledge that problems exist, talk about them, or confront them. As a result, family members learn to repress emotions and disregard their own needs. They become ‘survivors.’” - From Bondage to Bonding by Nancy Groom.

To survive in a world that demands we conform to certain expectations, we quickly learn how to act, what to say, and how to maneuver to achieve some sense of stability. In this maneuvering, we forfeit who we truly are, believing we are somehow unacceptable or unlovable.

Rather than developing healthy self-esteem, people-pleasers become who they perceive others want them to be. Pia Mellody, in her book, Facing Codependence, calls this “other esteem.” What typically follows is a low sense of self-worth, self-neglect, and inability to use personal boundaries.

2. Shame. Without a solid sense of self, a child moves into adulthood with a profound sense of shame and loss which usually translates into anger. When shame, loss, and the subsequent anger remain unhealed, the pleaser struggles in relationships, often giving until they’re resentful, and become embittered at the lack of mutuality in the care offered by those who claim to be friends.

Asking for needs to be met is a significant challenge. “What if they see me as needy or vulnerable? Being needy isn’t attractive!” Just beneath the surface and driven by shame, the constant fear of rejection lies, dictating the pleaser remain silent about her desires

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How People-Pleasing Adds To Our Weariness

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How People-Pleasing Adds To Our Weariness

“I have loved you with an everlasting love. With unfailing love I have drawn you to myself.”-Jeremiah 31:3

In the Rest Over Weariness Series, we’ll spend the month of June addressing people-pleasing. It’s often the root of our exhaustion. First, let’s talk about how to identify it.

She Can’t Say No

Amanda slumps at her desk. Her shoulders hang low and her countenance reflects her frustration. She’s exhausted from her constant activity. Everywhere she turns people are asking things of her. Her aging mom needs her to take her to the store. Elizabeth, from church, can’t lead the outreach anymore and has asked Amanda to take her place. Amanda tried to say no but Elizabeth was very convincing. Besides if she said no, then Elizabeth would have a negative view of her or worse yet, she’d have to face God being disappointed in her. After all, aren’t we supposed to serve if we love God?

Her husband is late at the office again leaving Amanda to shuffle the kids about and get dinner ready on her own. The plates are left on the table, the kitchen counters are overrun with the mess of cooking dinner, and off the kids go to their rooms. Why did she agree to make the costumes for her daughter's second grade play?

She sits in silence overwhelmed and defeated. There’s no time for rest. There’s no way she can finish all the tasks she’s committed too. It’s been like this for years, and she’s certain she’ll die an angry, unappreciated, empty woman.

“If only I didn’t care so much what everyone thought of me. Why can’t I say no?” she ponders.

Are You A People-Pleaser?

Often the cause of our exhaustion is our propensity to people-please. We don’t want to let anyone down. We don’t want to inconvenience or hurt anyone’s feelings, so we push ourselves to look good in front of others, but we’re left burdened and overwhelmed.

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We Were Never Meant To Fill Every Moment With Constant Activity

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We Were Never Meant To Fill Every Moment With Constant Activity

Truly my soul finds rest in God; my salvation comes from Him.” -Psalm 62:1

Busy Blocks
Mel pulled out a notebook with a tidy graph of her daily schedule. She didn’t buy a planner like most; she made her own. It was brilliantly color coded with blocks for each time increment and the slots filled in with assignments, projects, and meetings.There was a rare open space. She was an Education major with a taxing course load. Mel was organized, focused, and capable. She was the residence hall’s assistant director where I served as a resident advisor.

I was impressed with her organizational skills. I paid attention and watched her every move. She was a kind, gracious leader. I learned everything about planning from her. Seeing her system made me come alive. It made sense to me. I, too, adopted precision and skill in ordering my days. At a glance, I could see what was required of me for the day, each week, and month.

The more squares were filled, the greater my anticipation. Those little color coded slots drove me! They pushed me to excel.They led me to over-schedule and overbook. As long as a slot was open, then that meant I was available.

I kept this unrelenting pace for years. I said yes to everyone and everything. I said yes because I could, because I had capacity. However, I never left room for rest, and I didn’t leave time for God in those early years of walking with Him. I was more concerned with my busy schedule.

Can you relate?


Welcome Margin

We were never meant to fill every moment with constant activity. We are not machines. We are humans with frail bodies and limitations. Why do we think we can push hard and not have devastating effects?

Our busy days leave us stressed-out and anxious. Like a tired, hungry child we tend to lose it and freak out at those we love the most. The solution to our harried pace is called margin.

I’m not talking about profit margin, but margin as it relates to boundaries. We create margin in our lives by building space around the busy. We plan a little room to breathe, pause, and refresh. We cannot be driven by those color coded squares. When we plan with margin, it refuels us and gives us the ability to continue. Margin is the space where we release technology, we put away our to-do list and we rest. Our days don’t require a lot of margin, but a little dose is helpful.

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How Sabbath Rest Restores Us Physically and Spiritually

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How Sabbath Rest Restores Us Physically and Spiritually

Welcome my friend, Rachel Fahrenbach to the blog today. Rachel has been on a journey to discover what true rest looks like for her and her family. She just wrote a book about it. Rest and Reflect, a 12 Week Guided Sabbath Journal is the help you didn’t know you needed. The journal takes you through weekly prompts to help you understand your identity and the beauty of Sabbath rest. You guys, rest was God’s idea!!! It’s okay to rest!

WORN OUT
I can’t remember what shoes I was wearing, but I do remember the clutter on the floorboard of the truck at my feet: the plastic bag of items to return to Hobby Lobby, the wrappers from the Lara bars we had eaten quickly on the way to church stacked in a pile to be tossed later, and my purse tossed into the truck with my frustration. They are clear in my memory, as clear as the memory of the clutter of emotions I felt that day.

I had stormed out of our small church angry with every person sitting in the pews and retreated to our truck to wait for my husband to emerge from the congregational meeting. The sun had warmed the passenger seat, but instead of relaxing into that comfort, I continued to sit on edge mulling over the ways I felt overwhelmed, stressed, taken for granted, rejected, and forgotten.

Eventually, the warmth from the sun did it’s trick and I fell asleep. Because the truth was, while I was angry with a decision that had been made by our church’s leadership, I was mostly just tired in more ways than one.

Unfortunately, that moment was just the beginning of a three-year-period in my life where I lived in a constant state of exhaustion, and that exhaustion robbed me of a stabilizing peace and joy. It would be easy to blame my exhaustion on having three kids under 5 (one of which was an adopted newborn), but the truth was that life just got hard from that point on. I was exhausted in every sense of the word. Mentally, emotionally, physically, and spiritually.

I was a mess. A tired, worn out, joy-less mess.

SABBATH REST

From time to time, I would get moments to myself. These times of self-care and soul-care helped, but they were always over with too soon and only sustained me for so long. So, when the conversation about Sabbath was brought up during our small group (at a new church we had finally settled into), I was more than ready to have it. I felt the need to stop and rest in my very bones but I didn’t know how to do it. The world seemed to be falling apart in seven days, so how in the world was I going to keep it together with just six? I was barely holding it together as it was, if I stopped even for a moment, I thought that I would become so far behind it would be catastrophic.

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How To Feel Less Weary With God

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How To Feel Less Weary With God

Are you tired? Worn out? Burned out on religion? Come to me. Get away with me and you’ll recover your life. I’ll show you how to take a real rest. Walk with me and work with me-watch how I do it. Learn the unforced rhythms of grace. I won’t lay anything heavy or ill-fitting on you. Keep company with me and you’ll learn to live lightly and freely. Matthew 11:28-30 MSG

Endless Work

Jessica arrives at church when the Pastor taps her on the shoulder and says, “Hey, Amy didn’t show up for nursery today. Can you do it?” “Of course,” she quips but inside she feels a little resentful. “They’ve asked me again. Why can’t they ask someone else?” she thinks.

She runs through her mental checklist of chores she needs to do this afternoon before her small group meets tonight. She has impeccable standards for her home. Everything is organized and in place. She cannot rest until everything is perfect. Deep down, she’d love to take a nap, but there’s not time for rest today.


She’s capable, driven, and likes to control outcomes. She believes the heart of loving God is to serve. She’s more comfortable doing things for God than being with God. Shame makes her hide behind her service for God. She’s afraid God will be disappointed in her if she shows up as herself. She feels she’s not enough.

Secretly, she is resentful of the other women who don’t do as much. She’s weary and burned out, tired of striving to earn God’s love. There must be more to this relationship with God, she thinks. She needs to reframe what it means to love God.

A Look At Weariness

We’re shifting gears on the blog for the next few months as we look at the issue of weariness. Everywhere I go I meet Christian women who are utterly exhausted. No wonder their connection with God is minimal. They’re completely spent and have nothing left to give to Him. They work, serve and try hard to earn God’s love and favor but never learn to relax in God’s presence. They carry shame and believe their service to God replaces their connection with God.

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How To Feel Closer to God Again

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How To Feel Closer to God Again

“I will never fail you. I will never abandon you.” -Hebrews 13:5

We’ve all felt the longing for more of God, and when the distance between us has widened, it hurts. How is it God is both within us and all around, yet He feels so far off some days? If He never changes and promises His presence with us always then it must be about our proximity and awareness of Him.

About a decade ago, I sat amongst a group of church leaders, dutifully listening to the speaker. The day had gotten long, and I was eager to retreat for the evening. The speaker quoted a prominent national youth leader, and I never forgot the statement.

“If God seems far away, go back to where you left Him.”- Jeannie Mayo

I sat with the statement and mulled it over. It was the first time I truly understood that my connection with God was my responsibility. It wasn’t my church’s, my spouse, or a matter of circumstance. If God seemed far away, I was the one who moved, not Him. All I had to do was simply go back to where I left Him. Does this resonate with you, reader?

Somehow, in the church, we’ve gotten this wrong. We toss God aside as we elevate our service to Him. I’ve noticed most Christian women are content doing things for God instead of being with God. The busyness and service make us justify the distance because we’re doing _________ for God and surely He’s pleased with our service.

Sweet friends, God wants you. He loves you and cherishes being near you. He hopes for life-giving conversations about all the things that matter to you. His love is poured out in the context of relationship and connection. His character is revealed, and His purposes are laid out as you meet with Him. There are things God wants you to know about Him, your life, and your future.

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Vulnerability Leads Us to Deep Connection With God

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Vulnerability Leads Us to Deep Connection With God

“Trust in him at all times, you people; pour out your hearts to Him for God is our refuge.” - Psalm 62:8

Honest Prayers

I’m in my usual early morning spot with God, curled up on my pretty orange bird chair. I’m tucked under a blanket with a cup of coffee, my Bible, and my journal. I carry deep sadness today. I had a challenging night with pain. I awake with another headache. It goes up the back of my head and lands on my forehead. It feels like hot coals on the inside. I must have slept weird again. Why or why can’t I train my body to land the right way when I’m sleeping, so I don’t wretch my neck? I try to massage the knots, but they never go away.

I want a good night’s sleep. I want the pain to end. Six years of pain feels unbearable, especially from a car accident that isn’t my fault. A distracted driver rear-ends me, and I’m stuck with endless ache. I still see the two young men laughing as I look in the rearview mirror after impact. Today, it feels like too much to bear.

I don’t talk to God about my pain lately. I have in the past, but His silence and inactivity keep me from bringing it up. It seems like my prayers for relief have bounced off the ceiling for years. But today, I’m weary. I don’t think I can do this anymore.

So, I bravely pour out my frustration with prolonged suffering. I release my anger and sense of abandonment. I voice my contempt as hot tears fall. “Why won’t you rescue me, God? I believe in Your power! I’ve seen You do miracles and yet You do nothing for my pain! I read through the New Testament of Jesus’ miracles and His compassion towards the sick. When is it my turn? When will You turn and be gracious to me? Why God? Why?”

It’s like a release valve is opened as I honestly talk to God about my disappointment.

I sit quietly and catch my breath. Piles of crumpled Kleenex rest on my Bible. Instead of feeling abandoned, I feel relieved. It feels good to get it off my chest. Sweet peace settles over me and I hear God speak.

I hear His gentle voice, “I’m so glad we’re talking about this. I like it when you tell me how you feel. You don’t have to hide a thing from Me. Pour it out. I’m here.”

I’m learning to receive God’s grace in my most vulnerable places. I don’t have to hide my emotional or physical discomfort from Him anymore. I’m taught to trust His ways.

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We Were Created For Loving Union With God

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We Were Created For Loving Union With God

“My sheep listen to My voice, and I know them and they follow Me; - John 10:27

God’s Reassuring Voice

I reach for my husband’s hand the second after a drunk driver runs the red light and slams into our car. Black smoke is rising from the airbags, and I’m terrified. I want to flee, but all I hear is the sound of impact ringing in my head, and I fear we could be hit again. It’s hardly rational thinking.

My chest hurts, and I’m in shock. We keep reassuring each other we’ll be okay and praising God we can move all our limbs. I can’t stop crying, and I’m shivering uncontrollably as the paramedics load us into separate ambulances.

The chest pain continues, but I can’t tell if it is from within or just a reaction to the accident. I’ve never had a panic attack. I am hooked up to a heart monitor, and my rhythm is normal. I hate being separated from my husband. I need to know that he’s okay.

After being examined by a doctor in the ER, scans are ordered and off I go rolling down the hall. The nurses and technicians are kind, but make fun of all the blankets piled on top of me

I’m transferred to the hard table of the Cat scan machine. I’m surrounded by white plastic and the humming of the machine as it moves my body back and forth. I notice the puffy cloud images tacted to the ceiling tiles like they’re going to somehow make me feel better.

After a few moments, I take a deep breath and feel sublimely calm. Peace descends like a warm blanket, and I hear Papa’s voice. “I’m right here. You’re going to be okay.” Warm tears fall as I’m reassured by God’s comforting voice.

Knowing God is near is a great comfort and a byproduct of union with Him. Loving God is not just about having faith in our Maker or serving Him because we must; our hearts are intertwined and we are tethered. He’s within me and He’s all around. I am held and I can’t escape His presence. My loving union with Him is everything.

We’re Created For Loving Union

We were created for loving union with God. Our union is much more than salvation, dutiful service, performing religious rituals, and attending weekly church services. We can do all these things and still not have union with God.

“Your very being is made to be saturated with the being of God.”- John Eldredge

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