How To Have A Pure Heart With God

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How To Have A Pure Heart With God

Create in me a pure heart, O God, and renew a right spirit with me. Psalm 51:10

My Shattered Heart

I pull myself out of bed this early winter morning, groping for coffee, and slump into my favorite chair. I need this time with Papa while the house is still quiet. I tell Him all about the “mean people” in my life. I feel like a child tattle-telling to the teacher. I pour it out, all of it, as angry tears roll down my cheeks. It feels good to get it off my chest. I don’t pretend with God as He and I are open about everything.

I scan the Word for some truth that will penetrate my wounded heart. I’m too distracted by my pain. Nothing from the Bible is speaking to me so I slam it shut. I sit weepy and angry before God, secretly dreaming of how God will handle them. I feel a deep sense of injustice rising in my bones. Their behavior and judgments are laced with Pharisaical pride.

As I’m dreaming about how God will handle them, I hear the Spirit whisper, “this isn’t about them, this is about you.” I’m jostled back to my senses as Papa continues with these gentle words. “You are not responsible for their behavior, you’re only responsible for how you treat them.”

Well, Papa might as well punched me! But He is right. I’m responsible for the behavior and attitude that flows from my heart. God asks us to pray for those who hurt us. He even says to love our enemies. My heart sinks because I know it’s true.

In this tender moment, I ask God to create a pure heart in me. One that honors Him and does what He says, even when it’s hard and especially when I don’t want to. He reassures me that He will handle them as well, without my help. It’s shocking how God doesn’t need my help with others. The truth be known, I am only responsible for myself and my heart.

Our Heart Condition

In addition to humility, the next thing we need to look at is the state of our hearts. How does the condition of our hearts affect our connection with God and His ability to teach us? Only the pure in heart will see God. What does that mean for us when don’t always have the purest motives before God? What is the heart anyway?

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Humility Empowers Us to Connect Deeply With God.

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Humility Empowers Us to Connect Deeply With God.

“But He gives a greater grace. Therefore it says, “God is opposed to the proud, but gives grace to the humble.” - James 4:6

The Tension of Pride

I feel the pull of the Spirit as a battle rages in my thoughts. I’m tired of the ongoing conflict with a person at my church. Honestly, I can’t pinpoint how or why the conflict started. There are endless verbal scuffles that are exhausting. Maybe it’s because we’re both strong women. She’s thirty years older than me, and I feel like she should be the mature one. “Why do I have to apologize?”, I think. Yet, here I am on a Sunday morning, minding my own business, and God wants to deal with me.

“I don’t want to talk to her. I don’t want to face this. Lord, she’s just a crabby, bitter person. Why do I have to go to her?” My flesh does not want to do this, but God’s love compels me to do the right thing. I make the decision to apologize. I sigh and wipe the tears from my cheek. “God, I will humble myself and go to her.”

I gingerly approach Debra, and I pull her aside into a quiet classroom. I’m thankful there’s no one around, and God has provided this moment of privacy. She has no idea what I’m going to say. I see the tension in her face. I feel tightness in my back, but I approach her with humility and a warm smile. I feel a peace come over me as I apologize. Debra, grins and in her gravelly voice, says, “It’s okay, I forgive you.”

The conversation takes less than three minutes, but it changes our relationship forever. Humility shifts our perspective. The humble aren’t defensive or demanding. The lowly long to connect. No longer do I see her as a bitter woman, instead, I see her as a hurting woman who needs to be loved.

Humilities Way

Pride may be the strongest force keeping us from an intimate connection with God. If we’re honest, we all struggle with pride. I know I have for years. I’m constantly saying or doing the wrong thing because pride likes to have the upper hand. How do we recognize pride in ourselves?

Characteristics of pride:

*It’s bossy.

*It’s demanding

*It puffs up

*It judges others as inferior

*It hates correction

*It craves attention

*It needs to be right

When there’s tension in a relationship, often humility is the road to restoration.

Do you feel strain in your relationship with God? Are you avoiding Him altogether? Is there something God is asking you to humble yourself about, but you just don’t want to? Friend, I understand this heart stance well. I have struggled with pride. I want to be right, but I’ve found this isn’t the best avenue for true connection with God.

Humility leads to connection. Meekness says, “I’ll go low, God, so you can be exalted in me.” A humble heart recognizes it doesn’t know everything, and it wants to learn and grow.

True growth begins with laying down our rights and humbly asking God what He has for us in any area of our lives. God wants to nurture our relationships, our purpose, our future, but He cannot build us if our heart posture is arrogant.

God’s Word says He gives grace to the humble. Isn’t that a beautiful thought? God’s power is apportioned to those who lower themselves and ask for it. We can quiet ourselves before God, or He will humble us, and I promise the latter is more painful.

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Closeness With God Begins With Longing

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Closeness With God Begins With Longing

“I stretch out my hands to you; my soul longs for you as a parched land.”- Psalm 143:6

The place we need to start in order to feel closer to God is our longing. Most of us have buried it deep beneath our overextended schedules and our religious activity. When you have the courage to bring longing out in the presence of God, you will have a beautiful connection.

Empty

I sit in the early morning, coffee in hand, Bible opened, notebook ready to record my thoughts, and I feel empty. Warm tears fall as I pay attention to my soul. I’m weary from serving everyone and everything. I’m a pastor's wife, a mother of five, a volunteer, an employee, a friend, a parent stretched from all the kid’s activities. The weight of ministry demands coupled with the busy family has wrung me out.

I don’t know how to say “ no.” I overestimate my capacity then feel bitter when I have no margin in my days. And where’s God in all this hustling? He seems far away. Our relationship has gone cold. I’ve lost the wonder of sitting at His feet and embracing His heart. I’ve become too busy doing things FOR Him instead of sitting WITH Him. I need to make some changes. Longing is stirring within and I need to pay attention.

When was the last time you felt it-your own longing, that is? Your longing for love, your longing for God, your longing to live your life as it is meant to be lived in God? When was the last time you felt a longing for healing and fundamental change groaning within you?” -Ruth Haley Barton, Sacred Rhythms

Honestly, if I hadn’t read Haley Barton’s book I couldn’t have told you it was a longing that was stirring. I’d pushed my longing aside. It was buried deep, and I left no room for it to come out. It was hidden beneath my busy schedule and my service for God. It wasn’t safe to face my longing because I wasn’t sure anything would change. I faced my longing once and nothing came of it. The thought of being disappointed again made me want to keep my desires quiet. Instead, this time, I took the brave step and brought my longing out in the presence of God, and it was life-changing.

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She Loves God, But She's A Little Tired.

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She Loves God, But She's A Little Tired.

e been thinking about this woman a lot. Maybe you know her?

She loves God. She’s walked with Him for many years, but she’s tired. She’s tired of the same old relationship. She keeps trying to work her way to Him by doing all the right things. She’s diligent but utterly frustrated. Deep down she feels empty but doesn’t know what to do.

She Loves God, But He Seems Distant

She loves God, but He seems distant and she can’t figure out why. She’s gone through her mental checklist:

  • I’m serving Him by giving of my time, gifts, and finances. Check.

  • I attend church regularly. Check.

  • I throw up some prayers in the morning. Check

  • I try to get along with my husband. Check.

  • I’m raising these kids the best I know-how. Check.

  • I try to read the Bible. Check.

    Yet, after doing all these things for God, she’s not quite connecting with God. She reads her Bible, but there’s no wonder jumping off the pages. She can’t always relate to the stories or understand how they apply to her. She tries to listen for God’s voice, but mostly she hears the lies of condemnation and shame, or she hears nothing at all. This reinforces her lack, which causes her to move farther away from God.

    She’s praying about things: deep things, hard things, and yet it feels like her prayers bounce off the ceiling. She’s begged, pleaded, even bargained with God, and still, He doesn’t answer her prayers the way she wants, so she assumes He’s mad at her.

    She longs for something deeper and richer but is frustrated with how to get there. The formulas fall flat, the awe of God is gone. She feels alone, isolated, and disappointed in her relationship with God.

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I'm Assured God Works For Good In Every Situation

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I'm Assured God Works For Good In Every Situation

In the midst of pandemics and social injustice, it seems ridiculous to mention, my tailbone, but here I am. For a few years in my early forties, I practiced Pilates. Pilates is a workout of stretching and toning. It’s low impact and seems good for this reluctant exerciser. A lot of the moves are performed sitting on your tailbone. As a result of these exercises, I develop a bone spur on my tailbone. I know, go ahead and laugh, because I think it’s absurd too.

It’s been ten years since the spur first developed. Removing it isn’t an option because it’s risky surgery, but, hey, it only hurts when I sit or lie. I’ve tried a few different coccyx cushions, but it’s embarrassing lugging those around, so I shift in my chair; surprisingly, soft chairs cause more pain than hard.

Adding insult to injury, I was rear-ended in 2014, on a sunny September day, which left me with chronic neck and mid-back pain. During months of doctoring, I also discovered I have rare thoracic scoliosis. My once healthy body seems to reject healing.

After years of therapy, massages, chiropractic care, and non-traditional treatments I gave up on pursuing healing via medical doctors. The physical pain of varying degrees is now a part of my daily life.

As a normally joyful, optimistic person, I don’t mention my pain often. I don’t see the point in wallowing in it or bringing it up. If I’m having a rough day, my hubby knows, and he’s faithful to pray for me.

I believe in the healing power of God. I’ve witnessed miracles of healing and restoration, personally. It’s a little bone spur, and the God of the universe could flick it off if He wanted, and yet, He does not.

There are seasons where I cry out to God for healing and others where I remain silent. If I’m honest, on my worse days, I feel disappointed and overlooked. It’s on my low days, Papa and I talk; I confess my frustrations and am met with bundles of compassion for God is familiar with pain. He is equally present with me in my joy and my pain. As we talk, He leads me back to the truth from His Word about His goodness.

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How To Feel Secure When You're Upset

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How To Feel Secure When You're Upset

As we look at what it means to be secure in Christ, we need to remember it’s not just physically, but emotionally. When the circumstances in our lives are filled with pressure and we feel trapped by pain, loss, despair, or anxiety, there’s a place we can go for sweet relief.

“He brought me out into a spacious place; he rescued me because He delighted in me.” -Psalm 18:19

Pressure

I’m feeling the weight of it all today. This diagnosis has robbed my husband, Bob, of the ability to speak clearly; his mobility is taxed and his energy drained. Bob’s anxiety shoots through the roof as he wakes up each day with different limitations. Chronic Progressive Multiple Sclerosis is a thief robbing him of his ability to work, provide, and engage in everyday life.

He retreats to his bed often, spent from emotional and physical exhaustion. Normally, he would push through exhaustion. He’s hard-headed, driven to accomplish tasks, and values hard work, however, his body defies his request to produce.

I’m left carrying the load with our three small children. The days feel long. I want to return to our old lives. This medical nightmare leaves me feeling alone and misunderstood. My days are filled with cooking, cleaning, parenting, and trying to navigate this ever-changing disease with my husband. There are new pressures and stress as we look forward to a disease with no cure. We face doctors who make educated guesses on how to treat the unending symptoms of memory loss, muscle spasms, tremors, and continuous nerve damage.

Each day I sneak away to a spacious place where God rescues me from worry, doubt, and fear. It’s not my reality, but by faith, I can confirm it’s existence. It’s a quiet place where Papa and I meet. I pour out my anguish, lost dreams, and endless trials. I unload my fears for the future, as the weight begins to lift. I rehearse the promises from scripture, and I hold on to hope, even when my reality is hopeless. I meditate on God’s goodness and character.

Being with Him, in this roomy space, helps me focus less on my troubles. Isn’t that the point of this walk with God, more of Him and less of me?

See, I imagine me and Papa in this perfect, expansive spot. This boundless area is void of sorrow and trouble. In my mind, it’s a meadow, full of flowers; the sun shines bright as God whispers His love. Other days I imagine a majestic mountain top, where God has brought me to sit with Him.

He stays with me and holds me. He tells me I’m seen. He speaks of His delight in me, which I can hardly believe because I’m just trying to hold it all together. He says, “Please don’t feel you must hold it all together, that’s my job. Your job is surrender.” I sigh and once again, release control, understanding, and will.

He assures me of His love and compassion in the messy middle of hardship. When I cry, “God, I can’t do this,” He lovingly asks me the same question. “Do you trust Me?” As warm tears roll down my cheeks, I whisper, “I do.”

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How to Feel Secure

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How to Feel Secure

We are wrapping up the five core factors in our identity in Christ. So far, we have discussed how we are loved, accepted, significant, and forgiven. For the month of June, we’ll talk about how we are secure in God because of Christ. These are the five truths of our Beloved Women’s Manifesto, and I hope it’s been helpful in your understanding of your identity in Christ.

“It is God who enables us, along with you, to stand firm for Christ. He has commissioned us, and he has identified us as his own by placing the Holy Spirit in our hearts as the first installment that guarantees everything he has promised us.” 2 Corinthians 1:21-22

As a child, I felt unsettled in who I was. Most days I lived afraid. I was afraid of the dark, afraid of thunderstorms, afraid of animals, afraid of the basement, afraid of shadows, afraid of disappointing my mom, and afraid of my father’s drunken outbursts.

As a teen, shame told me because I was the daughter of an alcoholic, there was something inherently wrong with me. I needed to hide. I hid behind my “good girl’ persona. I lived to please and perform. I was dutiful, diligent, and hid my insecurity. People wouldn’t accept me if they knew where I came from. I wasn’t pretty enough, smart enough, or talented enough, and surely not from the right kind of family.

I worked hard to feel secure, but like sand through my fingertips, I could never hold on to any security. Life felt shaky, and I was lost in who I was. Was I supposed to be a good girl? I had tried that all my life, and where did it get me? Still insecure. Maybe I’d fit in on the wild side? I tried to loosen the shackles of perfectionism and performance during my freshman year of college. Sure, it was fun, but it didn’t make me feel more secure.

My footing only felt secure once I surrendered to Christ.

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A Series on Forgiveness: There Is No Condemnation

/ Pamela Henkelman Coaching/
A Series on Forgiveness: There Is No Condemnation

I hear the voice of the Accuser ringing in my ears, condemning me for my behavior, but God has something else to say. He says I’m forgiven. In Christ, there is no condemnation. Once we realize this, it’s easier to walk in our true identity as forgiven daughters of God. Thank you for joining us as we continue our discussion about forgiveness.

“So now there is no condemnation for those who belong to Jesus.” Romans 8:1

The Accuser

I sit in the pew and long for a powerful encounter with God while rehearsing the disastrous morning I’ve had with the kids. I gather our five kids by myself as my hubby, the pastor, arrives at church hours ago. The two boys fight while the little one struggles to get dressed. The dirty dishes line the counter while endless demands weigh on me. I’m impatient, frustrated, and need some rest. I keep my cool for a while, but when the pressure mounts, I blow it. I’m bossy when I should be kind. I’m harsh when gentleness is more effective.

If only I could control my tongue. Why can’t I be calm and patient? Why did God give me this strong personality? Why is the drive to church the longest and most frustrating of the week? I’m disgusted with my lack of self-control again.

We each exit the van hoping something miraculous will transpire in the next hours. As I slump in my pew, I feel the weight of the morning. I take two minutes to focus on God and try to enter into the music part of worship, but all I hear in my head is the Accuser.

“You call yourself a Christian?

“What is wrong with you?”

“If people only knew how awful you are!”

“Do you even love God?”

“Shouldn’t you know better by now?”

I recognize the tone, and I shrink under it as piles of condemnation and shame are heaped on my head. I entertain the thoughts for a moment, but I know better. I know not to listen to this voice.

Instead, I listen for the voice of God in conviction. Conviction helps me realize I need to make changes, to move towards more godly behavior. The Holy Spirit is loving and compassionate in tone. I’m moved by God’s love to make necessary changes.

I bow my head and quietly whisper, “I’m sorry, God, please forgive me. Thank you for the blessing of being a mom. Thank you for forgiving me when I fall short. Thank you for loving me in spite of my sin. Please help me choose gentleness and compassion as I parent.”

Peace washes over me, and I rest in Papa’s love for me; I am not condemned.

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A Series About Forgiveness: I Forgive You

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A Series About Forgiveness: I Forgive You

This is a series on the power of forgiveness. Go to last week’s post to read my family’s story. As we begin to walk in our true identity in Christ, we understand we are forgiven. Since we are forgiven, Christ also requires us to extend forgiveness to others.

“Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you.” Ephesians 4:32

A canopy of gold and red hangs above our heads as we meet at the park on this glorious October day. I sense God’s presence as I walk into a holy moment, one that changes the trajectory of my life. The sun shines brightly against the cornflower blue sky reminding me of the goodness of God. He is our light in the darkness, and I experience this truth profoundly in the weeks following the tragedy. This is the first time I will see Al’s face since the shooting.

Just two months earlier, I’m filled with rage towards my step-dad, Al. It’s been a slow boil for years as the devastation of alcohol abuse has wrung me out. The thought of him makes my stomach churn. The endless bottles of alcohol, his slurred speech, the ensuing arguments. The sad, emptiness in his eyes, as he’s in denial about his drinking. I find his behavior weak, repulsive, and I feel justified in my anger. I’m only nineteen but both my father and step-dad succumb to alcoholism, and I’m simply fed up. I should have compassion for his brokenness, but I only feel disgusted. I mean, come on, he shot my mom. Surely that warrants hatred? I am confident in my stance.

Until God interrupts my hatred!

The only explanation I have for my parent’s reconciliation is surrender and divine intervention. My step-dad surrenders in jail, while my mom has her own “come to Jesus” moment at home recovering from surgery. A local pastor’s wife reaches out to my mom, and they build a friendship. My mom is equally exhausted from a life of co-dependence being married to two alcoholics. Her first marriage ends because of my dad’s drinking. Her father is also a recovered alcoholic, which likely contributes to the familiarity of it all. She does not want this marriage to end in divorce.

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A Series About Forgiveness: You Are Forgiven

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A Series About Forgiveness: You Are Forgiven

This is a story of audacious grace and forgiveness. This is God’s story for my family.

“If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just and will forgive us our sins and purify us from all unrighteousness.” 1John 1:9

Intended for Evil

They argue as the air hangs thick in the house on this steamy August day. Al, my stepdad, retreats to the bedroom; my mom broods in the living room. The bed is a familiar escape for a drunkard. Drink and then you sleep, never able to actually escape what ails you inside.

Arguing is the norm for their relationship and ordinary for most homes where alcohol is king. Darkness descends and swirls all around Al. As he falls into blackness, he releases the clip on the gun. She hears a click from the living room and instead of running away, she walks towards the sound.

As she enters the bedroom, he rolls over in a drunken haze and points the gun at her and shoots. Shock, fear, and adrenaline course through her body. She thinks, “I must escape! Run!” She races into the kitchen, out the patio door, down the deck stairs, and to a neighbor's house. She’s alert, yet in shock. The bullet has gone through her chest. How is she alive?

She calls a friend who runs and grabs me at my job as a waitress. I’m 19 years old, and when an adult runs into your work and says, “You have to come with me right now. Something terrible has happened!” you go immediately. I see the fear in his eyes. My heart stops and I hold my breath as I run out of the restaurant. What am I about to face?

We race across town to find my mom on a gurney being lifted into an ambulance. She’s talking and alert. Terror is all over her face, but she’s alive. I’m simultaneously scared to death and filled with rage for my step-dad. How can this be happening? How is this my life?

My friend drives me to the ER, and we wait. I just want my mom to be safe. I pray to a God I barely know, to beg him to watch over her. I wait in the ER for what feels like hours hoping someone will update me. Everything moves in slow motion. I’m terrified, confused, ashamed, and overwhelmed. What are we going to do? Surgeons perform surgery and are amazed the bullet has only grazed her heart. She is millimeters away from death.

But for God.

My step-dad is brought to jail. The next day he wakes up and realizes something terrible has happened, but he has no memory of it. He asks the jailer why he’s there and crumbles into a heap when the jailer says, “You shot your wife.”

While in jail, Al meets with a man from a local church. They build a relationship and gain trust with each other. After much soul searching and counsel, nearly two weeks after the shooting, Al falls to his knees in repentance; he calls out to Jesus to rescue him and deliver him, and Jesus does. Al never drinks a drop of alcohol or smokes for the rest of his days. He said to Jesus, “If you will save my wife, I’ll serve you the rest of my life.” He is changed in an instant. Now the hard work of reconciliation and restoration would take many months, but it happens, all because of the goodness of God. What happens to my family is miraculous.

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You Are Chosen to Do Significant Things

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You Are Chosen to Do Significant Things

“You didn’t choose me. I chose you. I appointed you to go and produce lasting fruit…” John 15:16

Surrendered to God

Tracey and Jeff Crowder arrive early at the church as they are presenting a short presentation about their ministry called Refuge, a non-profit bringing help, housing, and hope to people in need. The Crowders have warm smiles and fun personalities; I’m drawn to them the first time we meet. They have a mischievous way about them and a carefreeness to be used by God. Their level of surrender inspires me.

Tracey walks in carrying a brand new baby girl. “Where did she come from?” I exclaim. Tracey’s face radiates the joy of the Lord as she explains this miracle baby girl, Alivia. Long ago Tracey and Jeff willingly surrendered to God’s plan for their family, and one child after another their family has grown.

Tracey was required to care for her little brother after her father died and her mother plunged into depression. Her older siblings were already out of the house. Tracey was fifteen and her little brother was seven. They spent years hovering under DHS radar, so they could stay together. It was those years of raising her little brother that the dream of adopting and fostering was planted in Traceys’ heart.

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You Are A Channel of Jesus' Life

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You Are A Channel of Jesus' Life

“I am the sprouting vine and you’re my branches. As you live in union with me as your source, fruitfulness will stream from within you-but when you live separately you are powerless.” John15:5

We Are The Branches

Winnie comes into my life at just the right time. I’m a young newlywed and a new mom trying to make sense of it all. I need gentle guidance and reassurance. The first time I meet Winnie is at our church; I’m drawn to her warmth. I need this woman in my life. She’s a sprite woman in her early sixties with the energy of a teen. She has raised her children and has great-grandkids.

Her eyes sparkle like she holds the secrets to life. Her face is prematurely wrinkled, likely from the storms she’s weathered, but there is a luminescence of spirit that is unmatched. She exudes hope, enthusiasm, and unwavering trust in God. She calls everyone “kid” and oozes the love of Jesus. She makes you feel like you're the most important person in the room.

Winnie becomes a loyal friend and mentor. She brings me meals when I’m on bedrest and giggles gleefully when my five-year-old says, “Mommy, Winnie has a lot of wrinkles.” She helps me wash my porch windows and teaches me how to be a patient, more loving wife. She prays with me when my husband suffers a devastating diagnosis.

She’s the first friend I want to talk to after I miscarried our second child. She sits with me and cries and points my wounded heart to Jesus. She's equal parts teacher, mentor, friend, and cheerleader. She dolls out wisdom and sweetness. Her faith is more than words, it’s followed by action. She gives her wisdom and time equally as she walks beside me and shows me Christ’s love.

Jesus, in her, shines bright in every situation. It’s like Winnie has a direct line to heaven and a connection with God that is enviable. We spend nine years together until our family moves away, but she leaves an indelible mark on my heart.

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You Were Created to Do Good Things

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You Were Created to Do Good Things

“For we are God’s masterpiece. He created us anew in Christ Jesus, so we can do the good things he planned for us long ago.”- Ephesians 2:10

What Am I Good At?

I fidget nervously in front of everyone. My mouth is dry and I’m all awkward, lanky arms and legs in my eighth-grade speech class. I shuffle through my index cards to make sure I have them in the right order. Who do I focus on? I smile big and start my speech. Once I get going, I feel calm. “This isn’t so bad,” I think. I finish my three-minute speech and scurry back to my chair, grinning to myself, thinking, “I could do this again.”

Fast forward six years to my Oral Interpretation Class in college. An Oral Interpretation class is part speech and part theater. My handsome, young, professor is energetic and our class requires collaboration and discussion. I’m an eager student, ready to soak up all the knowledge and technique. I present a work by Edgar Allen Poe, and my professor gives me an outstanding critique. I’m hooked.

I’m not nervous in front of people now. Speaking comes natural, like riding a bike or skipping down a sidewalk. I feel at ease, confident, and completely energized. For the first time, I understand what I’m good at. I continue taking Speech courses and eventually graduate with a double major in Mass Communication and Speech Communication.

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In Christ, You are A Part

/ Pamela Henkelman Blogger /Life Coach/
In Christ, You are A Part

“All of you together are Christ’s body, and each of you is a part of it.” -1 Corinthians 12:27

I Want to Belong

I survey the room looking for a warm face. Even though I’m outgoing and friendly, I hate that feeling when I enter a room and know no one. Or worse yet, I know them, but not well. If I know they’re a close-knit bunch I wonder if they’ll make room for one more. I feel self-conscious, too tall, too loud. It makes me want to shrink. I’m the girl on the outside waiting to be invited in.

I take a brave step forward and say “hi.” Win them with a big smile, I think. One person acknowledges me, but the rest carry on with their conversation. I feel awkward. Maybe I picked the wrong circle? Maybe it doesn’t have to do with me at all. My inclination is to talk fast and try to get someone involved in the conversation, so I don’t feel so stupid. I’ll offer a warm smile and hope for the best, but sometimes people don’t respond. Then I feel stupid and wish I hadn’t tried. Sometimes I wonder, what’s the point? Being a part is a risky business.

So the trick is to anticipate which group will invite me in. Which circle will include me? You know how women are. We’re not always the best at that, especially when we know each other well. We’re close, so we share our inside jokes and common interests. We can unknowingly give off the vibe of “you’re not one of us, and we don’t desire to expand our reach.” Perhaps that’s the voice of my inner critic keeping me from connection? It’s hard to tell some days. Either way, I tread lightly because I felt the sting of rejection.

Girls and women have been playing this game for years. The dance shows up in Girl Scouts, College Sororities, Mom Playgroups, Card Clubs, Coffee Clutches and Bible Studies. We want to be part of something great without fear of rejection.

You Can Be A Part

We have a need to belong and Christ invites us to be a part of His family, He calls His family the Body of Christ where He is the head and we are the parts. Each part is valuable and important. Some parts are open and visible while other parts are hidden, but not one part will be overlooked by Him.

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I Am Enough Because Christ Completes Me

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I Am Enough Because Christ Completes Me

“So you also are complete through your union with Christ, who is the head over every ruler and authority.”-Colossians 2:10

Am I enough? The question looms in my mind at a young age. I relentlessly try to prove I am. I want to be found complete, but I often come up short. It would be years before I understood completeness is not dependent on me but comes from what Christ has done for me.

Not Enough

Junior high gym class is the worst. I’m a thin girl with long limbs who appears athletic, but it’s all an illusion. The middle-aged gym teacher selects the two fastest, most athletic kids as captains. “It figures,” I think, as I roll my eyes in disgust. Is it their popularity or their physical strength that enables them to toy with our psyches? I’m not sure how it works, but it doesn’t matter because when the scales are read, I’ll be on the “not enough” side. I won't be chosen first.

I’ll never be enough.

Not fast enough

Not strong enough

Not popular enough

One by one the captains choose kids for their teams. Of course, all the jocks are selected first and then there’s the rest of us misfits. Should I look at the ground? Should I flash my charming smile in hopes my bubbly personality will win them over, and they will call my name? What's a girl to do?

I know what the pecking order means. Those chosen first are the brightest, most wonderful. Those who are left last are less than, deficient. Nobody wants us. You might as well print REJECT on our foreheads.

I wiggle and squirm in the uncomfortableness of the situation hoping and praying I’m not the last one standing. I have compassion for the few not yet chosen. I've always felt that way about the underdog. I hold my breath, and I want the moment to pass. Relief floods my soul as my name is called, and I’m welcomed to the team. For a moment, the sting of rejection is gone as I saunter to the field ready to play.

The phrase I am enough is heralded as the epitome of confidence in our culture. We desperately try to prove it with more hard work, more hustle, or more perfection, but inside we feel incomplete. We post our perfectly curated Instagram moments, yet when the camera is put aside, we feel hollow, lacking, and insignificant.

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I Am Accepted By God As His Child

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I Am Accepted By God As His Child

“But to all who believed him and accepted him, he gave the right to become children of God.” -John 1:12

Many of us carry the scars of rejection and at our deepest core, we long to be accepted. We scan the horizon looking for proof of our acceptance only to feel rejected again. Jesus provides the way for acceptance as we become children of God.

I Am Accepted By God

The Christmas Eve program rehearsals are well underway in our tiny church. The church ladies demand respect and hard work. We rehearse the songs and study our lines well. This is no amateur show. These ladies’ reputations are on the line, and they don’t want any kids to make them look like they’re unprepared for this holiest evening.

Christmas Eve brings everyone to church even those who aren’t faithful the rest of the year. Everyone comes in their new Christmas attire and the kids gather in the basement classrooms while parents and guests are seated in the sanctuary.

The kids wait in their tiny rooms with their teachers. There is lots of excited, wiggly energy. A shy child who doesn’t want to perform clings anxiously to her mother. The Momma peels her distraught child off her leg and races upstairs in the hope the child will calm down. A flustered teacher is left to deal with the fallout of tears.

I have a special role this year. I get to play Mary, the mother of Jesus. I’m a little kindergartener, with a pixie haircut, wrapped in a white tunic with a rope belt tied around my tiny waist. The blue satin headpiece is a thing of my dreams. It’s a long rectangle piece of fabric that sits on my head and falls over my shoulders. I have to be careful when I move.

I feel pure, innocent and deeply accepted. Why would God allow me to have such an important role? I’m nobody. I sing my solo with confidence and am overwhelmed at the delight and the sense of Papa’s love for me.

It’s the very first time I sense God’s acceptance of me, and I’m overcome with joy and peace. It would be another fifteen years and a lot of heartaches before I understand I’m a child of God.

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Love As God Loves

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Love As God Loves

“My command is this: Love each other as I have loved you.”-John 15:12

Not So Loving

It was a regular day at the church office. I’m tucked behind the desk in the front. My husband, Bob, the lead pastor has the office in the back and Adam, our worship leader has the middle office. It’s a small space, and you can often overhear conversations.

Bob is at my desk with me, and we are quietly arguing about something. We approach life very differently, but sometimes I believe my way is the best way and vise versa. He wants to be right and so did I. Conflict arises when neither of us refuses to budge. You might say we’re both a little stubborn. It’s become a pattern in our marriage, one that I’m not proud of.

Adam walks by and casually says, “Wow, you guys, do you have to bicker so much?” It wasn’t cruel, or judgmental, just accurate. The statement stops me in my tracks.

Thud! My heart sank.

His statement is like a punch to the gut, and the first time I realize my communication with my husband is unprofessional and unhealthy. Our kids notice it as do our coworkers. The desire to defend myself rises, but I remain quiet and think, “he’s right.” I feel embarrassed and convicted to make some changes.

Most couples like to pretend in front of others, keep the squabbles behind closed doors, but Bob and I are both strong and not afraid to fight for our opinion. We don’t harbor resentment, we “duke it out” at the moment and then move on and trust all is well in our relationship. We realize that’s not the norm.

What we fail to realize is this pattern is not helpful to those around us as it does nothing to show the love of God. It makes people feel uncomfortable like they’re somewhere they shouldn’t be. Our communication is rooted in selfishness, stubbornness, and pride. All the things Christ asks us not to be.

How about when couples retreat from each other or stuff their feelings to avoid conflict, then nothing gets resolved. It’s where bitterness grows and affects all our relationships. Is that a loving behavior?

God Is Love

Have you ever thought about how you love others is a reflection of God’s love? A healthy marriage is a picture of God and His beloved church. How we love our children and spouse is a reflection of God’s love for us. If we aren’t doing that well, what does that say about how we understand God’s love? Is it lacking? Are we not feeling loved, therefore we can’t extend love to others?

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Nothing Can Separate Us From God's Love

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Nothing Can Separate Us From God's Love

“And I am convinced that nothing can ever separate us from God’s love. Neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither our fears for today nor our worries about tomorrow not even the powers of hell can separate us from God’s love. No power in the sky above or in the earth below-indeed, nothing in all creation will ever be able to separate us from the love of God that is revealed in Christ Jesus our Lord.” Romans 8:38-39

For a Moment I Felt Separated

I’m a young, inexperienced mom who’s frustrated with my sweet child. Why will this precocious three-year-old not cooperate today? Why will he not listen to the voice of reason? I feel myself start to lose control. I know I should hold it back but I can’t. Anger rises within like a beast waiting to be un-caged. I lose my temper, sling angry words at him, and yank his arm. He looks at me in shock, bursts into tears, and runs to his room.

I collapse on the floor ashamed and overwhelmed at my lack of self-control. I cry angry sobs, and I hear the leering accusations ring in my thoughts:

“You call yourself a Christian?”

“How can you even love God when you act like that?”

“You’re a complete fraud and a hypocrite!”

“You’re not even fit to be a mother.”

I’ve walked with God long enough to recognize where the thoughts come from. The Father of Lies tries to convince me my bad behavior separates me from God’s love.

I cry out to God at the moment and say, “God, please forgive me for hurting my son. Forgive me for my angry outburst and lack of self-control. Help me be the kind of mom my son needs me to be.”

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You Are Loved by God, Part 2

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You Are Loved by God, Part 2

“I have loved you even as my Father has loved me. Remain in my love.”-John 15:9

We spend our days looking for signs of love.  Am I lovable? Do you love me? People confirm it, or we feel rejected by the perceived lack of love. There are two who love us unconditionally, forever. Jesus loves us because He is loved by His Father.  Our job is to find this love and remain in it all our days.

My First Love

My twin brother and I arrive unexpectedly six-weeks early. My young mom has no idea she’s having twins until they discover me after my brother is born.  At home, it is my older brother who is not yet one year old. We are all the same age for two weeks every July! My mom is 20 years old and has three babies and is thrilled about it. 

She’s a playful, “take charge” person. She works hard as a farmer’s wife. She tends the large garden, cooks homemade meals and treats, sews our clothing, hangs wallpaper and paints, keeps a tidy house, and serves in community groups.  She’s a bright light and the life of the party but she also works hard and is a strong disciplinarian. She has one of those, “you better listen to me when I’m talking” tones.

On snow days she lets us destroy the house with our toys, and we make fun food.  I spend my childhood as her sidekick in the kitchen. There is nothing she won’t tackle. I admire her ability to produce. She loves to play the piano or listen to record albums, as music fills our home. She’s ridiculous and funny and a great actress.  

 My mom is my comfort as I plop down on my bed,  sobbing tears of rejection. She sits with me, rubs my back and lets me cry.  We have the best heart-to-heart conversations. She holds me tight and tells me everything is going to be alright. Isn’t that what a girl needs most?  In the great big world where I perceive rejection, I have someone who tells me I’m lovely and I want to be loved. I never want to disappoint her. 

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You are Loved by God, Part 1

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You are Loved by God, Part 1

“The Lord appeared to us in the past, saying: “I have loved you with an everlasting love; I have drawn you with unfailing kindness.- Jeremiah 31:3 NIV

One of the surest ways to understand our identity in Christ is to start with love. We can be completely assured of God’s love based on what the scripture says. When we know, understand, and experience God’s love, we are changed. 

My daddy doesn’t scoop me up when he sees me. Our time together is limited, as he carries the heavy burden of farming and raising pigs. Deep lines, a furrowed brow, and sadness are often reflected on his face.  

He introduces me to weird foods like smoked fish, blue cheese, and sardines. I enjoy our time together in the kitchen because it’s rare. I love to see the warmth in his eyes and a grin on his face in these fleeting moments. 

He calls me unusual nicknames, like “Quackgrass” or “Sowthistle.” It probably makes sense to him since he’s a farmer. But honestly, why would you think it’s cute to nickname your daughter after a weed?

The dinner table isn’t a place for a joyful family banter. Instead, quiet obedience is required. We never know what kind of mood dad will be in. He seems upset a lot, and we do not want to make things worse.

The cares of farming, family, my mom, and probably things he doesn’t understand weigh on him. He escapes the pain by running to alcohol, as the smell lingers on his breath. It’s how we know when we have to be extra cautious and quiet so as not to upset him.

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