How to Be Humble with Your Adult Children

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How to Be Humble with Your Adult Children

 Always be humble and gentle. Be patient with each other, making allowance for each other’s faults because of your love.- Ephesians 4:2

A Case Study of Humility

The world has been captured and alarmed with the breakdown of the Duggar family on the Amazon Prime series, Shiny, Happy People. In case you missed it, the Duggars appeared on a TLC series, 19 Kids and Counting, where they esteemed Christian values and the virtues of purity and obedience with their nineteen children. They had rigid guidelines for everything and the children were raised in a controlled environment where obedience was king. 

The oldest son was accused of sexually abusing his younger sisters. They sent him away, as a teen, then later as an adult, he was charged with having violent child pornography on his work computer. As adults, the sisters were forced to make public statements defending their brother and the family's virtue. Not once did the parents go to their adult children and apologize. Instead, they justified their actions by crushing their offspring.

Recently I recorded a podcast with author, Mary DeMuth and she said this:

“I just read a statement by the Dugger matriarch and patriarch. They had all these things that they said and I thought this would've been an opportunity for them to humble themselves. And say, ‘We didn't get it all right. We were looking for a method that would solve all of our parental problems, so we wouldn't have to think. We're so sorry.’ Can you imagine the beautiful harmony that would happen in that family if the parents would be willing to say, ‘we didn't get it right? We're sorry that was really, really legalistic or whatever it is that we're apologizing for.’” 

I agree with Mary. Can you imagine the domino effect of healing that might have started for the whole family if Jim Bob and Michelle had laid down their pride and humbled themselves and said they handled the crisis wrong? Instead, they made statements to defend their actions, leaving some of their children estranged from them. Surely they didn’t know how to manage the situation with the abuse. That would be overwhelming for any parents. But because of pride, they showed a lack of dignity to their adult children, while the whole world watched. My heart goes out to those grown kids. 

The Grace of Humility

Humility isn’t a popular topic, nor is it easy for anyone, especially a parent. Pride rules in our culture and is often the root of many familial breakdowns. As parents, we’ve spent years being right. It was our job to teach, train, and guide in hopes our children develop into responsible adults. 

How we communicate to our adult children matters and humility must be foremost in our interactions. When we are humble before our grown-up kids, with our words and deeds, it builds a bridge to healing. 

Humility in the Bible

The Word is sprinkled with the virtue of humility calling us to go low for the sake of others. Jesus embodied the grace of humility.

  •  Always be humble and gentle. Be patient with each other, making allowance for each other’s faults because of your love. - Ephesians 4:2

  • And he gives grace generously. As the Scriptures say, “God opposes the proud
    but gives grace to the humble.” - James 4:6

  • Pride leads to disgrace, but with humility comes wisdom. - Proverbs 11:2

  • He leads the humble in doing right, teaching them his way. - Psalm 25:9

  • Don’t be selfish; don’t try to impress others. Be humble, thinking of others as better than yourselves. - Philippians 2:3

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Why It's Helpful to Respect Your Married Kids' Boundaries

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Why It's Helpful to Respect Your Married Kids' Boundaries

“As the Scriptures say, ‘A man leaves his father and mother and is joined to his wife, and the two are united into one.’” - Ephesians 5:31 NLT

A Kindness Extended

I reached for my phone to text our youngest daughter, Keziah, who lives three hours away from us, with her hubby, Forrest. Keziah is a missionary on a college campus, so her days are full with student activities, projects, meeting with students, and leadership training. I typed, “Hey Kizzy, can you look at your schedule to see when dad and I might pop over for a quick visit? I know you’re swamped with end of the year activities, but I miss your face.” 

“Aw, we miss you too. It’s crazy around here. I can’t wait for the school year to be over so we can have a little more time. Let me talk to Forrest and I’ll get back to you. Love ya mom.” she responded.

“Love you too. Can’t wait to see you.” I replied. 

It’s About Respect

Some parents find it silly to ask permission to visit their grown children. They jump in the car with no consideration for their adult child’s previous plans or if their adult children have the capacity for a visit. A simple ask goes a long way in communicating kindness and compassion for our adult children’s lives. This simple gesture communicates, “We understand you’re separate from us now. We want to honor you.” 

 One of the most challenging concepts for a young married couple is how to have boundaries with their parents. First, the couple needs to have brave conversations with each other, then they need to talk to their parents about their established boundaries.  

We can help them take this courageous step when we willingly respect their limits. 

“As the Scriptures say, ‘A man leaves his father and mother and is joined to his wife, and the two are united into one.’” - Ephesians 5:31 NLT This is a mandate from God and a clear explanation of what boundaries are for our married children. Our children are to leave their parents and create a family of their own, without our input or influence over their decisions. 

Mom’s Role

What are you doing to encourage your child to leave and cleave to their spouse? 

Moms play a significant role in the success of our child’s marriage when we allow them to leave us and cling to their mate. There will be no more “momma’s boy.” His wife is his new girl. That doesn’t mean you’re not important. It just means you’ll play a secondary role, the way God intended. 

 Will you be a help or a hindrance in the growth of your child’s marriage?

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How to Be The World's Best Mother- In-law

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How to Be The World's Best Mother- In-law

“This explains why a man leaves his father and mother and is joined to his wife, and the two are united into one.”- Genesis 2:24

What kind of mother-in-law are you? Maybe your kids aren’t married yet, but have you thought about what kind of mother-in-law you want to be? Just saying the phrase brings up a negative response, right?

Monster In-Law

Do you remember the 2005 movie, Monster In-Law with Jane Fonda and Jennifer Lopez? The story went like this. Charlotte (Jennifer Lopez) is smitten when she meets Dr. Kevin Fields (Michael Vartan). So when Kevin pops the question after they start dating, Charlotte happily accepts. But she soon realizes that Kevin's mom, Viola (Jane Fonda), is not quite thrilled to have a new family member. Viola, a newscaster, has just lost her job and is feeling rather attached to Kevin, so she regards Charlotte as her new competition -- and will apparently do anything to make her son call off the wedding.

We  simultaneously cringed and laughed as the antics unfolded of the mother-in-law's overbearing nature and constant criticism of her son’s choice. She tried to control everything. She resorted to manipulation. She was the epitome of what not to do as a mother-in-law. The movie was over the top but it resonated because so many couples experience this heartache from a scorned mother who doesn’t understand her boundaries.

 It doesn’t have to be this way. 

How about you? Have you thought about the kind of mother-in-law you want to be? Are you taking steps to do this role well, to be a blessing to your children, instead of causing conflict and relational stress?

There’s a powerful verse of scripture that sets the stage and provides clear boundaries for a mother in-law. “This explains why a man leaves his father and mother and is joined to his wife, and the two are united into one.”- Genesis 2:24 This verse tells us a man will leave his mother and father and become united with his wife.There must be separation.Their bond is the base for all leadership in their family. They call the shots; you do not. They are separate from their parents as God intended them to be.

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The Best Ways to Easily Stay Present with Your Senior

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The Best Ways to Easily Stay Present with Your Senior

“There’s an opportune time to do things, a right time for everything on the earth: A right time to hold on and another to let go.” Ecclesiastes 3:6

I watched Rebekah gracefully cross the stage to accept her certificate, confident and composed, as my mind flashed to her four-year-old-self. I saw her in her purple sequined tutu and her first pair of tap shoes, blissfully on stage at her first dance recital. Her wavy hair was piled on top of her head in a messy bun, with a purple feather hat tipped to the side. She grinned from ear to ear as the music faded up. Her brown eyes sparkled as she danced.

I remembered the challenging middle school years where girls hurled insults and hurt her tender heart. “Mean Girls” wasn’t just a movie, it was a shocking reality for my young teen. She navigated rejection and learned important lessons about friendship.

High school brought endless leadership opportunities and growth. And here we were at the end, as our calendar was filled with events.The final Choir Concert, Spring Musical, National Honor Society Banquet, Prom, Student Council Banquet, Speech Banquet. She blissfully walked through each event while I thought my heart would break in two. How can a mom experience such joy and sadness in the same moments?

My thoughts raced ahead. In three short months, we’d be dropping her off at a college 431 miles away from us. What were we thinking? Will she find good friends? Will she feel homesick and want to come home? What am I going to do without my daughter? No more coffee dates, Target runs, or show tunes blaring from the bathroom. Anxiety and fear welled up inside of me. I dreaded thinking about the fall, and the deep loss I would experience. 

It was time to give myself a little pep talk. “Focus on today,” I told myself. “She hasn’t left yet. Enjoy your summer together.”

Momma, how about you? Are you moving too fast and already grieving when your child leaves in the fall? What if there is a way to stay present with our children and soak up all the goodness, today? Right here. Right now.

It’s a normal response to feel sad, when we think about the future apart from our grownup child. What if instead of projecting into the unknown future, we stayed active and present with our seniors while they were still home?  

Imagine my shock, as a friend was telling me about this passage in the Message version. A certain phrase stood out and I know it will mean a lot to you too. “There’s an opportune time to do things, a right time for everything on the earth: A right time to hold on and another to let go.” Ecclesiastes 3:6.  Momma, God is saying there’s a right time to hold and another to let go. Isn’t that the best news? It’s not time to let go, YET! God invites you to hold on for a little while longer and savor the moments with your emerging adult. Isn’t that the sweetest permission?

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Exceptional Advice to Triumph with Digital Communication

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Exceptional Advice to Triumph with Digital Communication

Can we talk about cell phones for a hot minute? Goodness, there are so many parameters to consider with our adult children, wouldn’t you agree? We have got you covered with all your digital guidelines!

I recently had Suzy Mighell, Influencer and content creator of the popular blog, Empty Nest Blessed on The Midlife Momma Podcast. Check out episode 60, Finding Your Better Purpose in the Empty Nest, here.

Anyways, she was on the podcast and when we finished recording we had this wonderful conversation about digital communication with our adult children. 

About Suzy

Let me tell you about my online friend, Suzy! She is a ray of sunshine and encouragement. Her Empty Nest Blessed website is a lovely magazine format of fashion, beauty, travel, cooking for two, and parenting adult kids. It’s everything you need to know in the empty nest. She shares oodles of tips and tricks, great finds and heartfelt encouragement. Be sure to check out her website, and follow her on Instagram, and Facebook.


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Back to our conversation…So many moms are filled with questions about how to handle digital communication. We feel compelled to over communicate or maybe we under communicate! If you’re still checking your Life 360 app of your grown child, please delete it today.  Below is our conversation, interview style. We hope you find the tips helpful. Here we go!

WHAT’S A GOOD WAY TO TALK ABOUT DIGITAL COMMUNICATION? WHEN SHOULD I DO IT? HOW DO I KNOW HOW MUCH DIGITAL COMMUNICATION ON MY END IS TOO MUCH? WHAT ARE SOME GOOD RULES OF ENGAGEMENT? HOW DO I HANDLE MY EXPECTATIONS SURROUNDING DIGITAL COMMUNICATION? 

Pamela: Have the conversation when the kids leave home for college, military or the workforce. A simple conversation about communication clears up a lot of things and helps us manage our expectations. I have five kids and we all communicate differently. Some I text with several times a week and others not nearly as much. But I love them all and we feel close to each other. The bottom line is to have clear communication about how you want to communicate when you’re apart. If you’ve failed to talk about this, then now is the perfect time. Clear the air, forgive and start over. You’ll be amazed how much peace you’ll experience moving forward.

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Surprisingly Helpful Tips When Your Baby Graduates High School

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Surprisingly Helpful Tips When Your Baby Graduates High School


“There is no one like the God of Israel. He rides across the heavens to help you,  across the skies in majestic splendor.- Deuteronomy 33:26 

Welcome to the month of May when you have a senior. It’s a little part grief, overwhelm, and annoyance. Hang in there, momma. We are going to get you through. Let me tell you about our first born’s graduation party.

That Didn’t Go As I Expected

We spent the day preparing for our first born, Keenan’s high school graduation. I was a stressed out momma, wanting everything to be perfect. The white tent was set up in the backyard, the food was prepped, and the decorations looked lovely. I drew a bubble bath, to relax after a busy day, when I heard a piercing scream. 

Baby sister, Keziah was at the back door holding her dangling arm. Our kindergartener had spent the day happily jumping from a bench to the clothes line pole while we scurried about prepping for the grad party. On the last jump, she missed the pole and landed on the ground, her arm mangled from the impact. We knew immediately it was serious and rushed off to the ER. 

Our small town ER sent us eighty miles away to a larger hospital so she could have the compound fracture surgically repaired. I sat shocked and dismayed as I waited for her to get through surgery. How is this even happening, I thought, eyes lifted to heaven? I wondered why we had to face this difficult situation in the middle of an already stressful season. I was miffed at God. Where were those angels of protection when we needed them?

We returned home at 5am and tucked our sweet girl into bed. Exhausted and stressed from our baby's injury, we now had the reality of hosting a graduation party in a few hours. I was already exhausted, and now I had lost a whole night's sleep. Goodness. It was too much to bear! 

The party went off perfectly, and our sweet little kindergartener was lavished on by our guests. She was a real trouper considering all she had been through. Our senior enjoyed the party then set out with his friends afterwards. It was a beautiful day in every way. The day before wasn’t anything like we expected but we learned a few lessons from it. 

How about you, momma?  How are you handling the stress with your high school senior?

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The Heart of Faithfully Trusting Your Powerful God

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The Heart of Faithfully Trusting Your Powerful God

“Blessed is the man who trusts in the Lord, whose trust is the Lord." Jeremiah 17:7

I’m on the highway again, heading the hour drive to the Twin Cities so I can be with my young husband for another week's stay at the Multiple Sclerosis Center at Fairview Riverside Hospital. There he’ll be pumped full of steroids to tame the inflammation that attacks his nerves, leaving him with a new tremor, spasm, or disability. MS is a beast that will not be tamed.The disease has upended our family in profound ways.

A 90’s song plays on Christian radio. The lyrics go like this: “Life is hard, but God is good.” Tears stream down my cheeks for an hour. I’m by myself, as the three little kids are cared for, so I’m free to let the tears flow. I need to be near my husband. Holy Spirit whispers so gently, as He has everyday since this disease invaded our home, “Do you trust Me?” Through stifled sobs and bitter weeping, I whisper, “Yes, Papa, I do.” 

Those years of struggle were fertile ground where God planted my roots deep in Him. He taught me to trust when my world was completely falling apart. When things only got worse and the doctor recommended my husband be placed in a nursing home, it was preparation for every trial I would face in the future. 

It prepared me for when some of my children rejected God. It enabled me to trust Him no matter what I experienced. It helped me let go of outcomes and trust Papa’s good work on hearts.

I was rewarded for trusting God. He gave me peace, identity, and set me free from fear because I was already living my greatest fear. 

We bristle sometimes when we’re asked to trust God. 

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4 Reasons God is Remarkably Faithful to You

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4 Reasons God is Remarkably Faithful to You

 “Yahweh! The Lord! The God of compassion and mercy! I am slow to anger and filled with unfailing love and faithfulness.I lavish unfailing love to a thousand generations. I forgive iniquity, rebellion, and sin.” - Exodus 34:6-7a NLT

Tossing and Turning

Julia kicked the covers off, rolled over, and stared at the clock again as frustration grew in her heart. Angrily she thought “Why can’t I sleep???” The orange glow of the digital clock blared 2:30 am back at her as she scuffed because she had tossed and turned for an hour. She knew exactly why she couldn’t sleep. 

She spent an hour thinking about her youngest daughter at college. Fear and worry tumbled through her mind. “What if she gets with the wrong kind of friends? She seems so lonely. What if she dates the wrong guy? What if she makes the wrong choice? Why doesn’t she love God anymore? Where did I go wrong? What if she’s attacked at a party? What if she’s drugged and raped? Goodness that escalated quickly!” she thought. 

Spiraling, she knew she needed to stop. Breathing deep, she whispered, “God, please help me. Give me faith to trust You. Give the ability to understand You are with me and You are my help. Remind me of Your faithfulness. How easily I forget.”

Have you struggled to lean into God’s faithfulness when it comes to your adult child? 

This is often difficult for moms because we’ve always managed their problems. We were the fixers, problem solvers, and rescuers. How do we let go and entrust our children and their problems to our faithful God?

What does it mean when we describe God as faithful?

What do we need to know about the faithfulness of God? 

According to the International Standard Bible Encyclopedia, “Faithfulness is one of the characteristics of God's ethical nature. It denotes the firmness or constancy of God in His relations with men, especially with His people. It is, accordingly, one aspect of God's truth and of His unchangeableness. God is true not only because He is really God in contrast to all that is not God, and because He realizes the idea of Godhead, but also because He is constant or faithful in keeping His promises, and therefore is worthy of trust” 

The Bible reverberates with the faithfulness of God. Each story and chapter is laced with examples of His dependability to His children. Even when God’s family disobeyed and rebelled, He was consistently trustworthy. 

Here is a moment where Moses met with God on the mountain. God spoke through a cloud.  The Lord passed in front of Moses, calling out, “Yahweh! The Lord! The God of compassion and mercy! I am slow to anger and filled with unfailing love and faithfulness.I lavish unfailing love to a thousand generations. I forgive iniquity, rebellion, and sin.” - Exodus 34:6-7a

God spoke directly to Moses and what a message it was. He said he was slow to anger, filled with unfailing love, and faithfulness. If God is telling us this Himself, can we not trust Him when He speaks? How can we doubt what He says about Himself? This is proof of His faithfulness, We can settle our hearts on this revelation and rest in peace. 

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Prodigals Need to Be Loved

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Prodigals Need to Be Loved


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“Long ago the Lord said to Israel: “I have loved you, my people, with an everlasting love. With unfailing love I have drawn you to myself.” - Jeremiah 31:3

Tears in the Hallway

Flustered Erica dabbed the tears from her eyes and begged God for the courage to hold it together today. She bumped into her friend Julie and her mom, Nancy on the way into Bible Study. She tried to hide her tears, but they spilled out in the safety of friends. Julie reached out to Erica and pulled her into a warm hug. “Erica, what’s wrong?”

Choking back the tears, “I’m so upset! I don’t know what to do. My daughter was arrested last night. There was a huge party, and it was busted, and they were taken in. She’s so far from God, and I feel like a failure. Can you pray with me?” Erica sobbed. “Of course, sweet friend,” said Julie. Wise Nancy, with the warm brown eyes and kind grin, didn’t seem concerned at all. She placed her hand on Erica’s shoulder and said with a sly grin, “Oh sweetheart, she’s just working on her testimony.” 

Erica laughed and felt the tension ease from her body. Julie handed her a Kleenex, and they took in the truth of the poignant statement. Elizabeth was right. Calm settled over Erica as she realized God was still with her daughter. This wasn’t the way she wanted her daughter's story to go, but she couldn’t deny God's presence. 

They bowed their heads in the church hallway to pray. Erica’s breathing slowed, as the tears the tears stopped. She heard the still small voice whisper to her soul. “She needs your love more than anything.” Stunned by the revelation, Erica headed the voice of God and knew the best thing she could do was love her prodigal. 

Have you felt the sting of your child making poor choices?  Are they far from God, and you don’t know what to do?

It’s stunning what the Lord revealed to Erica in the midst of silence. When we pause and bow before Him, He speaks. We want to fuss and carry on when our children stray, but God invites us to love our prodigals well.

 We often focus on how we lack and our feelings of inadequacy. We shake our fists to heaven and say, “God it’s not supposed to be this way!” We’re distraught, confused, and disappointed. Yet amidst all that turmoil, God calls us to a higher assignment, love. It’s the upside down ways of the kingdom as we are invited to participate with God in His good work. 

What can we learn about God’s love?

When the Israelites roamed the desert for forty years, hell-bent on doing things their own way, God was incredibly patient. They constantly disobeyed God. The children of God bowed down to idols, complained relentlessly, and married the wrong people. They were stubborn and rebellious, yet God never gave up on them. 

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How to Hold onto Hope When Your Child Rejects God

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How to Hold onto Hope When Your Child Rejects God

“I pray that God, the source of hope, will fill you completely with joy and peace because you trust in him. Then you will overflow with confident hope through the power of the Holy Spirit.” - Romans 15:13 NLT

Lost Hope

As Julie sat in her comfy chair, tears streaming down her face, she felt the weight of her daughter's words crushing her heart. She could feel the pain of her daughter's rejection of God, like a sharp knife slicing through her very being. She could hear the echo of her daughter's whisper, "Mom, I don't believe in God anymore," replaying in her mind, over and over again, taunting her with the fear that her daughter was lost forever.

She knew her daughter's struggle with faith was not uncommon, but it felt like a personal defeat, a failure as a mother. She tried to hold back the sobs that threatened to escape her chest, but they escaped anyway, wracking her body with every gasping breath.

Julie's heart was heavy with the weight of her daughter's rejection, but she knew that she had to keep fighting for her. She had to keep praying, keep loving, and keep hoping that her daughter would one day come back to the faith that she had known and loved. With each tear that fell, Julie whispered a prayer, pleading for God's help and guidance in this time of darkness.

What do we do when our child rejects God? 

We feel ashamed, betrayed, and hopeless. Our hearts are ripped in pieces.

Yet, surely God knows.

He understands.

He sees us.

He’s moved with compassion when we are distressed.

How can we hold on to hope when our child rejects God?

Fortunately, God is an expert hope infuser. Hope is His specialty. He ladles it out in abundance to hungry hearts who are willing to trust Him. He lavishes it upon His children. Instead of wallowing in doubt, we are invited to connect with the God of hope as He infuses us with His strength.

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Do You Dream Big?

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Do You Dream Big?

Now all glory to God, who is able, through his mighty power at work within us, to accomplish infinitely more than we might ask or think. - Ephesians 3:20

Let’s Dream Together

The sun shone brightly through the canopy of green as hubby and I gathered on the porch. Birds chirped happily as I whispered a silent “thank you God for this beautiful day and my life with my husband.” With a steaming cup of coffee in hand, he reached for a book, The Story of Marriage, by John and Lisa Bevere. 

Listening, I leaned in for our weekly rhythm of reading so we can strengthen our marriage. In order to learn and grow in our marriage, we are intentional students. Surely, growth is required as our children leave home, and we focus on each other. 

He opened the book to a worksheet, How to Dream Big and began to read. Listening, my mind drifted to what we had built thus far. 

We wanted a marriage focused on God, a houseful of children, and a home where everyone felt safe. Both of us came from disordered homes. We experienced divorce, abuse, dysfunction, and rare mention of God. We wanted something better for our marriage. We had big dreams. 

But what about now? I thought. How can we dream for this empty nest season? 

I gathered two pieces of paper and pens as we sat in the quiet summer morning and asked God to help us dream. Thoughts came quickly as we each jotted down ideas, then we looked towards each other and shared our lists. 

I was encouraged by how many of our dreams overlapped. Out poured visions of travel, retirement income, Cousin Camp, less work and more play, and pursuing meaningful friendships, which is no small feat for a ministry couple.

Have you ever written your dreams down with your husband?

We will all come to the day when the kids are grown and gone. It can feel unsettling. We have so many questions when we are first learning to be together without our kids.

  • How do I connect with my mate?

  • How do we become a strong team?

  • What does God want for us in this season of our marriage?

  • How do we find a new rhythm in our marriage when we aren’t focused on parenting?

Dreaming together is a way to find direction and vision for our future. As we partner with God, He’ll reveal the direction He wants us to head. “Dreaming together allows you and your mate to honestly share from your hearts and envision the amazing things you can do together by the strength, wisdom, favor and provision of God,” says John Bevere.

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How to Reconnect When You Feel Distant

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How to Reconnect When You Feel Distant

“Though one may be overpowered, two can defend themselves. A cord of three strands is not quickly broken.” - Ecclesiastes 4:12

Our Daily Returning

Hubby and I gathered at our bright kitchen island as worship music played softly from the Alexa atop the fridge. He carried the stress and pressure of leading a church. I lugged the weight of being self-employed as a writer and life coach. Cooking together is a way to relax and unwind after a busy day.

He peeled the carrots and chopped the onions with precision, while I warmed the Dutch oven on the stove with a splash of olive oil. “How was your day?” he asked. “Good, I got a lot done at my desk, but my upper back is killing me,” I replied. With warm eyes, he met me at the stove and rubbed the tension away with his strong hands.  

He returned to chopping, deep in thought. “What are you thinking about, honey,” I asked. “I’m just processing a situation,” he said introspectively. I leave him to his thoughts because I know this is the best way for him to come to a solution. I eased over to him and wrapped myself around his tall frame and said, “I love you. You’re my favorite.” He smiled and leaned in for a kiss.

Cooking together feels like a lovely dance. He does all the chopping while I work my magic at the stove. We talk, process, and enjoy each other's company. This is our daily rhythm, the place where we find our way back to each other. The place we reconnect. 

Do you have a way to reconnect with your spouse?

In our midlife marriages we often feel distant from our mates. The cares of the world and the stress of children take a toll, and we have little left to support one another. We’ve been focused on our offspring for decades, leaving distance between us. This can cause us to feel disconnected. 

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Keys to Finding Your Purpose

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Keys to Finding Your Purpose

For we are God’s masterpiece. He has created us anew in Christ Jesus, so we can do the good things he planned for us long ago. - Ephesians 2:10

Get Curious

Having launched our fourth child into college, I was facing an empty nest in a few years. Though I was sad to see this season of active parenting end, I was eager to focus on myself. I was excited to dream. Questions swirled through my mind:

  • What could I do now?  

  • What am I good at? 

  • What have I always wanted to do?

  • What lights me on fire?

Scrolling through Facebook one day I came across an ad for Hope*writers, an online community of writers. The word hope inspired me. I had been journaling for decades, but I had never written publicly. I knew I was good at encouraging others. Isn’t writing simply encouraging others with words? I had a twenty year old dream to write a book. Everytime I spoke at churches or women’s events, people would say, “When are you going to write a book?” I kept saying, “One day I will.” 

I was a Mass Communications/Speech Communication double major in college, so I was passionate about speaking. I feel most alive on stage. I got to thinking, I know absolutely nothing about writing a book: I better learn. I joined Hope*writers with a dream in my heart and a backpack full of fears. I didn’t know anything about writing, and I struggled with technology. Every task felt insurmountable, but I felt this nudge from God to pursue my dream of writing a book and so I began my writing journey.

Now What?

We will all come to the day where we’ll ask ourselves, what do I do now that my kids are grown? What is my purpose in this season of motherhood? We can languish in despair or we can follow the passion inside. We can pursue the activity that lights our hearts on fire. We can dust off our dreams and get busy. 

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Finding Purpose: You Are More Than A Mom

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Finding Purpose: You Are More Than A Mom

 For I know the plans I have for you,” says the Lord. “They are plans for good and not for disaster, to give you a future and a hope.” - Jeremiah 29:11 NLT

Motherhood Shift

Thoughts rumbled through my brain as child number four left home for college. Doubts, fears, confusion, walking beside, excitement, hope, and anticipation. My role as an active mother was soon to end, once the baby graduated in a year. I couldn’t fathom a life that wasn’t focused on mothering. For nearly three decades, raising our five children was my job. 

I thought about the sleepless nights, the hours of monotonous chores: cooking, cleaning, managing, shuttling them from place to place. I tended to their hearts, walking them through heartache, endless squabbles, and confidence slumps.

I taught them kindness, playfulness, how to work hard, and how to have a relationship with Jesus. I extended oodles of grace and unconditional love. When I messed up, I apologized. I loved being their mom. They were my life, my everything.


I wondered what I would do now. “Surely, I’m more than a mom,” I thought. 

Perhaps like me, you’ve asked yourself the same question. 

There will come a day when we feel the shift. Motherhood was a high calling and we relished it, whether we were stay-at-home moms or juggled parenting with our careers. For decades we poured into our children, and now we face days without them as our roles are changing. Our children are grown and have left us, as they should. It’s the natural progression of parenthood.

But we’re left with so many questions. We feel unsettled and unsure. 

Who are we apart from our motherhood? 

What are we supposed to do now?

What can we do with this one life we’ve been given now that our purpose is shifting?

God in his goodness, does not abandon us. Here’s what He says to the bewildered mom: 

“For I know the plans I have for you,” says the Lord. “They are plans for good and not for disaster, to give you a future and a hope.” - Jeremiah 29:11 NLT

God has a beautiful plan and purpose for this period of motherhood. As we step into a more supportive role, it makes room for us to pursue our passions, interests, and longings. We are satisfied when we pursue the plans God has placed in our hearts.

God is present.

He will guide you. 

Goodness is coming.

Hope springs forth.    

When was the last time you thought about your dreams, or how you would like to spend your days? 

When was the last time you looked inside and addressed your longing? I bet you’ve buried it for so long, you forgot about your yearning.

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Bravely Tell Your Story, Momma!

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Bravely Tell Your Story, Momma!

He comforts us in all our troubles so that we can comfort others. When they are troubled, we will be able to give them the same comfort God has given us. -2 Corinthian 1:4

Can We Talk?

I recognized the name in my direct messages from decades ago. We met through mutual friends and had kids of similar ages. Anna reached out wanting to know if we could talk. I sent her a message welcoming a conversation.

I heard the heaviness in her voice as she held back tears. “I love my adult kids so much, and we have a great relationship, but I see changes in my son and I don’t know what to do. I don’t want to mess this up,” she says. Her adult son was raised in the church and went to a Christian college, and now his lifestyle is completely anti-God, and he told her he no longer believes in God.

“I feel like such a failure,” she cried. “I remember feeling like that, too,” I sighed. “I didn’t know who to talk to about it. I can’t talk to people at church because they’ll judge me. I’m so worried I’m going to do something wrong to damage our relationship, and I don't want to do that,” she said. “I didn’t know where to turn, and I thought of you,” she said. We chatted for thirty minutes as she poured out her heartache. I silently whispered a prayer of thanks for God sent her my way. We need each other. I listened and encouraged as she felt relieved to talk about it.

Unsupported Moms

We have an army of forgotten moms trying to navigate their changing roles with their adult children. They wonder where all the experts went. Where is the book “What to Expect When Your Child Reaches Adulthood?”

Moms suffer in silence assuming they’ve completely ruined their kids. They carry grief and shame like boulders in backpacks, weighed down wherever they go.

They tried their best and didn’t receive the outcome they’d hoped for, and now they feel lost.

Moms like this are the reason I write, coach, and produce a weekly podcast, The Midlife Momma Podcast (click on it and you can listen in).

I don’t want them to feel alone anymore. I’ve been parenting my five adult kids for fourteen years and everything about how I parent them has changed. Love is still the cornerstone of our connection, but I’ve had to move to a more supportive role rather than a directive stance.

I’ve failed, fallen, grown, and rallied. I’ll share what works and what does not.

I want to encourage these seasoned moms and support them as they navigate the emotional rollercoaster of parenting their adult children.

Share Your Story

My hope is moms like this will come out stronger as they begin to share their stories. Honestly, we’re so much more alike than different. When one mom takes a defiant step of courage and shares her struggles, she creates an avalanche where other moms can be swept up in the freedom. Freedom comes as we bring our heartache into the light of Christ.

I hope to create a safe space where you can bravely share your disappointments and triumphs, knowing there is an army of women who understand and will offer you support and compassion.

What if moms didn’t cower in shame anymore, but talked about the challenges of parenting adult kids? Instead of staying silent in our churches or bible studies, could we talk openly about our struggles? Could we see the power of bringing our stories into the light?

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Give Mom a Break From Holiday Cooking

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Give Mom a Break From Holiday Cooking

It’s funny how time changes a family's relationship with food.

When our five kids were home, I made simple homemade food. It wasn’t fancy or fussy, just warm and filling. While most of their friends were eating fast food, chicken nuggets, and frozen pizza, I was happy to cook from scratch.

My mom taught me how to cook when I was very young. I have sweet memories with her in the kitchen. Cooking was a way to love my family well.

“Are there onions in this, mom?” was a phrase heard at every meal. I think it was a textural thing for my son.”There will always be onions, Honey,” was my regular response.

I didn’t want to argue about food.

If there was something they didn’t like, they weren’t allowed to complain. They could excuse themselves and make a peanut butter sandwich, then come back to the table.

Dinner time was about connection and sharing our day.

When they were young, we read through a corny devotional called “Sticky Situations.” Those were sweet days with our growing family.

I was the head cook back then.

I had the responsibility for menu planning, shopping, and food prep. I’d drag the five kids along for our weekly grocery runs, cart overflowing. Those five gallons of milk took up a lot of space.

The kids were great at cleanup.

Eventually the younger two girls would join me in the kitchen, but for the most part food prep was my mission and I enjoyed it.

It does not need to stay this way

Momma, with the grown kids, you don’t have to be in charge of food prep anymore.

The weight of holiday meal planning does not have to be on you.

Invite your grownup kids to join you in the kitchen. Welcome their help and have fun as you reminisce and learn about each other all over again.

My five kids all adore time at the stove.

In fact, I had Thanksgiving meal prep off this year because our oldest son Keenan prepared the bulk of the meal.

The turkey was brined and stuffed with onions, oranges, and fresh herbs. Copious amount of butter was used in the Sweet Potato Casserole and the Mashed Potatoes with Leeks. The Sausage Apple Stuffing with the crunchy edges was delicious. I only helped a little with the gravy.

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How Gratitude Helps You Release Expectations

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How Gratitude Helps You Release Expectations

“Give thanks to the Lord, for he is good! His faithful love endures forever.” - 1 Chronicles 16:34

Holiday Blues

I have felt the sting of sadness when plans don’t quite go the way I imagined. I long for the days when all my kids were around my holiday table.

I long to cling to the traditions I built when my children were young.

I loved how the kids fussed over setting the table. We’re an artistic bunch, and they worked hard to make it pretty.

Now that my children are grown, it’s not always possible to be together every holiday. I have to share them with their spouses' families. They all live far from me and the distance can be a hindrance to us gathering. As much as I want holidays to remain the same, it’s no longer possible.

In the early years with my adult children this left me heartbroken and sometimes bitter.

Moms, we know we need to adapt, but we struggle with change. We wrestle with traditions being set aside now that our children are grown. In the quiet, when we’re honest, we really want things to go our way. We wrestle with selfishness.

What if there is a way for moms to release holiday expectations?

Could gratitude hold the key?

While expectations rumble with selfishness and demands, gratitude keeps our hearts open to the goodness of God and the needs of our family members.

While we want to hold tight to our old ways and traditions, gratitude helps us see new possibilities and gives us a fresh perspective.

Where expectations squeeze and take, gratitude releases and gives.

The antidote to expectations is gratitude. As we shift our heart to give thanks, we invite God near. His nearness transforms us.

Where bitterness reigned, softness was invited to dwell.

“I will give thanks to you, Lord, with all my heart; I will tell of all your wonderful deeds” - Psalm 9:1

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How to Release Holiday Expectations

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How to Release Holiday Expectations

“Let us then with confidence draw near to the throne of grace, that we may receive mercy and find grace to help in time of need.” Hebrews 4:16


Holiday Tension

As the calendar flips to November, my thoughts turn to holiday plans and the air is ripe with tension as I wonder if and when I’ll be reunited with my grown kids.

Momma, do you feel the tension too?

I have precious memories and traditions and I can’t bear the thought of them not continuing. My heart is full of expectations on how the holidays will look, but I know that my refusal to budge causes irreparable harm to my family.

I long for the days when the kids were near. There was no doubt we’d be together around the table at every holiday dinner. My grown kids are all returning home to celebrate their dad’s birthday mid-November, so that means I won’t see them all for Thanksgiving. Instead of them all coming home, we’ll gather at our oldest son’s home in Minnesota, along with some of his siblings. I must adapt. I need to have a good attitude about it.

There are plenty of reasons why your holidays could look different. Your child might want to spend time with their significant other. Perhaps work doesn’t allow them to return home. Maybe they’re tired of the endless holiday shuffle from home to home with cranky grandkids. Could it be that they need to be with their in-laws this time around? What if they just want to have a simple Christmas at home?

Moms are required to lean in and find strength in God as we release expectations for the good of the whole. Instead of causing strife in our families, by demanding our grown kids celebrate the holidays a certain way, let us choose the way of least resistance, as we learn to let go.

  • Could we lean in and find strength from God as we realize the holidays will look different now that our offspring are grown?

  • Would could it look like if we laid down our demands and chose the way of peace?

  • What if moms laid their expectations at the feet of Jesus and processed the loss with Him?

  • How would a mom filled with gratitude communicate graciously with her adult children?

  • What if guilt was replaced with compassion?

  • What if pressure was exchanged for peace?

  • Could the art of compromise be practiced so everyone feels like their voice is heard?

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Four Reasons Why You Can Trust God

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Four Reasons Why You Can Trust God

“And those who know your name put their trust in you, for you, O LORD, have not forsaken those who seek you.” - Psalm 9:10

When It’s Hard to Trust

At times, I allow my concerns for my grown children too much time in my head. I rehearse their struggles. I lament about where they’re at with God. I want to fix and rescue them because that’s what I did when they were young. I make God small, as I magnify their problems.

We find ourselves in this dark place of fear and doubt, don’t we, mommas? We’re perplexed and overwhelmed with our children’s difficult circumstances. We wonder why they walked away from Him. We fear for their future. We doubt their ability to make wise decisions. We question God’s ways.

We have two options in this season of motherhood: We can spend our days obsessed with our offspring’s struggles, worried, our lives devoid of peace, or we can experience the calm that comes from trusting God.

It’s normal to worry about our loved ones, but it becomes sin when we don’t turn it over to God. When we struggle with a lack of trust, it’s helpful to ask ourselves why do we struggle to trust God? What is it about His character that is lacking? Why do we want things to go the way we think they should? Why do we feel this need to control outcomes?

What The Bible Says About Trust

A short jaunt through the scriptures and we find endless reasons why God is trustworthy. Here are a few:

“Trust in the LORD with all your heart, and do not lean on your own understanding.In all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make straight your paths.” - Proverbs 3:5-6

“Delight yourself in the LORD, and he will give you the desires of your heart. Commit your way to the LORD; trust in him, and he will act.” - Psalm 37:4-5

“Our soul waits for the LORD; he is our help and our shield. For our heart is glad in him, because we trust in his holy name. Let your steadfast love, O LORD, be upon us, even as we hope in you.” - Psalm 33:20-22

“You keep him in perfect peace whose mind is stayed on you, because he trusts in you. Trust in the LORD forever, for the LORD GOD is an everlasting rock.” - Isaiah 26:3-4

“Behold, God is my salvation; I will trust, and will not be afraid; for the LORD GOD is my strength and my song, and he has become my salvation.” - Isaiah 12:2

“And those who know your name put their trust in you, for you, O LORD, have not forsaken those who seek you.” - Psalm 9:10

“When I am afraid,I put my trust in you. In God, whose word I praise, in God I trust; I will not be afraid. What can flesh do to me?” - Psalm 56:3-4

“Blessed is the man who trusts in the LORD, whose trust is the LORD. He is like a tree planted by water, that sends out its roots by the stream, and does not fear when heat comes, for its leaves remain green, and is not anxious in the year of drought, for it does not cease to bear fruit.” - Jeremiah 17:7-8

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4 Ways to Rely On God

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4 Ways to Rely On God

“Come away with me and you’ll recover your life.” Matthew 11:28 The Message

Sleepless Nights

The house is quiet, the only light comes from her bedside table where her phone is charging. Denise flops over angrily in bed to check the time on her phone. It registers 2:13 am; it’s been 40 minutes since she last looked. She sighs heavily as frustration rises in her soul as the uncontrollable thoughts race through her mind. She wonders about her daughter, Lizzie, away at college. Is she safe? Is she making friends? Is she making wise choices? Will she go crazy with all the freedom she has now? Will she go to church? Does she think about God anymore?

Denise tugs at her blankets and stares at the ceiling feeling lost and uncertain now that her daughter has moved away. “What am I supposed to do now? Who am I apart from my motherhood? What am I going to do with my time now that I don’t have all her activities to go to?” she wonders.

Her thoughts turn to God. “Do you even care? You seem so far away? I feel unsure, unsteady and overwhelmed. Why does it have to be like this? This ache in my chest won’t go away and I don’t know what to do about it. I can’t steady my thoughts. I can’t find You in my grief. Where are you God? I feel alone and abandoned.”


Change

I remember the sleepless nights after launching a child into the world and the ache I carried through my days. Everything in my world changed, and I didn’t know what I was supposed to do with this pain? How could I rely on God to get me through this heartache?

We all face this shift in our motherhood as we launch our children into the world. We long for the familiar, but we can’t find it because everything has changed. We wonder where God is, like He’s playing some cruel game of hide and seek. We feel unsettled and ill-equipped. How do we rely on Him in this season? What does that look like and how can it help relieve our pain?

How to Rely on God

We have some powerful words from Jesus, to anchor our souls on in Matthew 11:28-30:

“Are you tired? Worn out? Burned out on religion? Come to me. Get away with me and you’ll recover your life. I’ll show you how to take a real rest. Walk with me and work with me—watch how I do it. Learn the unforced rhythms of grace. I won’t lay anything heavy or ill-fitting on you. Keep company with me and you’ll learn to live freely and lightly.” - Matthew 11:28-30 The Message

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