Why Moms Must Thrive Through God's Grace Now

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Why Moms Must Thrive Through God's Grace Now

What is Grace?

As moms, we are in desperate need of God’s grace.

We are called to receive God’s grace, but what does that mean?

Grace is a term we throw around a lot in church culture, and it’s a consistent theme through the old and new testament. Most define grace as an “undeserved favor,” but my hubby, the pastor, often teaches how grace is the empowerment to make good choices. It’s God’s influence over our lives. When we partner this beautiful idea of undeserved favor with empowerment, we see the fullness of God's grace.

Grace flows from His character, then spills over into us as our Maker enables us to love our adult children well. 

Favor + Empowerment

Let’s look at some verses to explain:

“[We] are justified by his grace as a gift, through the redemption that is in Christ Jesus.” - Romans 3:24 Paul is writing to the church in Rome to explain that our salvation in Christ is a free gift. God is that good! We cannot do anything to earn it; we receive it with thanksgiving. Paul is saying God’s undeserved favor and love come to us because of the redemptive work of the cross.

What does this mean for a mom of adult kids? It means that we have God’s favor and generosity at our disposal. We don’t have to be so hard on ourselves as we adjust to parenting adult children. We accept the benevolence of God as we learn how to relate to our children in a new way.

Let’s look at this verse:

“God is able to make all grace abound to you, so that having all sufficiency in all things at all times, you may abound in every good work.” - 2 Corinthians 9:8 Again, Paul is writing to another church, this time, in Corinth. Here Paul is saying grace is an empowerment to live the right way. This is God's power working through us to live the way Christ has called us to. 

For the mom with grownup kids, it means we have access to the power of God to do the hard things in our relationship with our kids. This includes letting go, listening well, and not rushing in to fix or rescue. This means when our kids want to move states away, we don’t view it as rejection. Instead, we accept their choice and bless them. Perhaps our child rejects God. Instead of losing faith, we learn to trust God as He works on our child’s heart. Instead of judging our child, we trust God to perfect our child’s faith in Him.

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Dealing with Parental Estrangement: a Guide for Moms

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Dealing with Parental Estrangement: a Guide for Moms

“Do all that you can to live in peace with everyone.”- Romans 12:18

Two Broken Hearts

Parental estrangement is on the rise and it devastates families. Communication breaks down and it’s easier for the child to slip away. Mom is left heartbroken with no understanding of why the child has cut her out. Two people who once loved each other are now separated. It doesn’t have to be this way.

There are steps a mom can take to improve her relationship with her estranged child and care for herself at the same time. This will require humility, compassion, empathy, and reliance on God. Please note, if the child is toxic or abusive, mom needs strong boundaries.

Both mom and her child are hurting deeply or the estrangement wouldn’t have happened. It would be easy for mom to nurse her wounds, but reconciliation requires her to step into her child’s world and understand her offspring’s perspective. Simultaneously, mom must be diligent to care for herself. There needs to be a delicate balance of compassion for her child and herself. 


God’s Perspective on Estrangement

What is God’s perspective on estrangement? I imagine it breaks His heart. God created us for a relationship with Him, first, then it trickles to our family and friends. Unfortunately, God understands our tendency towards selfishness, disagreement, and willfulness. 

In conflict, we want there to be a right and a wrong party, but both mother and adult child suffer when a relationship is severed. Paul writes to the church in Roman with the understanding that relationships are difficult. He admonishes the Believers in Romans 12:18, “Do all that you can to live in peace with everyone.”

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Decoding Parental Estrangement: Understanding the Root Causes

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Decoding Parental Estrangement: Understanding the Root Causes

I’m Done with You!

Jessica struggled with her daughter Lisa for years. Tensions ran high daily. There were endless misunderstandings and miscommunications. They clashed on everything from clothing styles, grades, and her friends. Lisa felt she never pleased her mom. She felt picked on and had a deep sense of resentment.

Jessica pushed hard with extreme discipline, and Lisa pulled farther away. There was no pleasing her mother. When high school rolled around, Lisa just stayed away more. This infuriated her mom. 

College came and Lisa was thrilled to live hours away from her mother’s control. She loved the freedom and didn’t miss the hassle. She felt liberated. Every time her mom called or texted, she ignored her phone. Lisa relished the freedom and the opportunity to believe what she wanted without her mother’s influence over her anymore. 

One day she texted her mom, “Please don’t reach out to me anymore. I’m done with you. Respect my wishes.” Jessica was understandably devastated. The following weeks Jessica felt hopeless, heart sick, and exhausted. “How could this have happened to me?” She wondered. 


What is Parental Estrangement?

Parental estrangement is one of the most devastating issues for moms to face in recent years. Thousands of families are left heartbroken and bewildered. Today I’ll attempt to give a broad overview of a complex topic. 

First off, let’s define parental estrangement.  According to Wikipedia, “It is the loss of a previously existing relationship between family members through physical and/or emotional distancing often to the extent that there is negligible or no communication between the individuals for a prolonged period.”

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Revitalize Your Empty Nest Marriage: Remove Contempt to Embrace Respect

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Revitalize Your Empty Nest Marriage: Remove Contempt to Embrace Respect

“Show proper respect to everyone.” - 1 Peter 2:17


Discontent Rumbles

This low-level discontent rumbled in my heart for months. I was 26 years into our marriage, and I felt dissatisfied. Our nest started to empty but our busy ministry schedule, children’s activities, and obligations kept us running hard. 

Maybe I was tired. Maybe I was frustrated with the ministry, nevertheless, I took it out on my husband. 

He couldn’t do anything right, in my estimation. I’d mumbled under my breath and had critical, negative thoughts towards him. Oh, I didn’t act like anything was wrong. No sir! I kept up the charade! 

Even coworkers at the church office noticed how we snipped at each other. Pastor Adam, our worship leader, called us on it one day. “You guys sure bicker a lot!” he said. “We do?” I thought, slightly irritated and convicted by his comment. 

Here’s the deal, my husband knew nothing about my simmering contempt because I didn’t tell him. The problem wasn’t his behavior'; it was the condition of my heart. I allowed myself to be embittered and filled with contempt for his slightest missteps. I magnified his mistakes while I was puffed up with pride for what a great wife I was. 

Goodness! What a recipe for disaster. I’m grateful the Lord met with me through prayer as He dealt with my pride.  After reading Gary Thomas’, Sacred Marriage, I knew I needed to handle my heart (a.k.a. my sin). 

As Gary Thomas recommended, I made a list of all my husband's admirable qualities: personality traits, physical attributes, and character qualities. It wasn’t hard to come up with a beautiful, long list. My heart swelled as I continued to add to the list. Then I made another list: all the ways I fell short. I listed my sins and they were many. 

I was disgusted with myself, but I did not feel condemned. Tears rolled down my cheeks as I realized my shortcomings. God ministered to me, those weeks, as I prayed over these lists. My admiration for my husband grew and my understanding of all the ways I fell short had a lasting impact. I dealt with my pride before God and He was most tender with me. The contempt and discontent faded away. 

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Embracing Now: Nurturing Peace for Worrier Moms

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Embracing Now: Nurturing Peace for Worrier Moms

Runaway Thoughts

As I loaded the dishwasher, worry clung to me like a staticky silk skirt. Soon Rebekah would drive seven hours from Evangel University, in Springfield, Missouri, to our home in Iowa. “Was it even a good idea for a single young woman to travel across the country alone?”, I wondered. My imagination ran wild as I envisioned car trouble, or worse, an attack at a gas station, or a horrific car accident. I’d be so far away, it would take forever for me to get to her. 

Anxiety mounted in my chest. Every scenario I played out in my mind had a deadly ending. I shook my head back to the present, astonished how far I had let my imagination wander. Shame enveloped me. It was ridiculous and so unbecoming of the woman of God I was. Why did I have such a small view of God in those moments? Why had I let worry run free in my mind?  

Worry and Fear

We get lost in worry for the future, don’t we momma? Peace is swept away as anxiety grows in our hearts and minds. What’s a momma to do?

There are two things that keep us from the present with our adult children: worry and fear. Oh, how easy it is for moms to jump ahead and fear the unknown future. These negative forces take root in our thoughts as we predict events that haven’t even happened. We’re consumed with “what ifs.” We are robbed of our peace and joy. 

Julie LeFebure, author of, Right Now Matters, said, “The future becomes a distraction when we allow fear and worry to fill it.” Do we realize our worry is a distraction? The enemy designed it so it would make us take our eyes off God. We get focused in unseen places and we completely miss God.  

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From Nostalgic to Now: Empowering Moms to Embrace the Present

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From Nostalgic to Now: Empowering Moms to Embrace the Present

“Remember not the former things, nor consider the things of old. Behold, I am doing a new thing; now it springs forth, do you not perceive it?” - Isaiah 43:18-19

Shuffling Down Memory Lane

Angela sat crossed-legged on the wood floor surrounded by tattered photo albums of her kids. How many times had she returned to them to reminisce? “Who even uses photo albums anymore?” she wondered.

Memories flooded her mind as she recalled tender, silly moments with her growing children. It was so much easier then. She knew exactly what to do. Even when she questioned her mothering skills, she knew how to find answers. Her local MOPS group was filled with friends and squirrely kids. Moms traded parenting tips like their kids exchanged Pokemon cards. They prayed together and clung to each other. There was so much support. They scoured Parenting magazine and listened to Dr. Dobson's, Focus on the Family. The answers to parenting questions were plentiful back then.

There was a rhythm to life that revolved around feeding, bathing, playing, and bedtime routines with her children. Every season she’d sort through their clothing and assess what new items they needed. Hand Me Downs and garage sale finds were traded between kids. 

Her biggest problems were endless laundry, bickering kids, defiant toddlers, and the need to cook another meal for her hungry crew. Oh, how she wished she could go back in time where she felt assured of her role in this world. Her children adored her, even if they did have moments of tension, she knew how to make it better.


Right Now

Now that her children are grown, life feels more complicated. The stakes are higher. There are bigger obstacles, and she’s supposed to “let go.” How can she honor the past, but not get stuck there?  


Pitfalls of Living in the Past

It’s normal for moms with adult children to get stuck in the past. Nostalgia overwhelms us and we don’t always accept the grownup child in front of us. Truth be told, we’d rather go back to simpler days. Nostalgia has its place. It’s okay to reminisce, as long as we don’t get stuck in some idealized version of the past.   

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Tips for a Stress-Free Holiday with Adult Children

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Tips for a Stress-Free Holiday with Adult Children

Live in harmony with each other. Don’t be too proud to enjoy the company of ordinary people. And don’t think you know it all! - Romans 12:16 NLT

Kids Return to the Nest

”They’re here!” hubby said, as we ran out on the porch, undeterred by the blustery December winds. Bekah and Ryan jumped out of the car and grabbed their frisky puppy, Bea. Bob helped them haul in their luggage while we exchanged hugs on the porch. “Hey Beautiful Girl," I whispered, “It’s so good to have you home.”  Exhausted after their seven hour drive from Missouri, we plopped down on the living room couch to relax. 

Grandsons, Teddy and Gus arrived bright eyed and ready to go with mom and dad in tow. Had they grown another inch? I wondered. Moriah swept in with her cat, Desmond, and the mischief level in the house rose exponentially.  Caleb and Ashia were the last to arrive from Minnesota. We wrapped them in warm hugs.  Forrest and Keziah had a short three hour drive. They schlepped baskets of laundry and bright smiles.

I soaked in the goodness as I surveyed the room. Our kids were all home together, and it was the sweetest feeling: a mixture of nostalgia and pride. They’re all grown. Our work is done and now we connect as friends and peers. Sometimes I’m shocked we’re at this stage already. Wild, busy children gave way to real adults. The transformation is stunning.

“When are you going to buy a sectional mom?” Moriah quips! Every single time the kids come home that’s what they ask.  Sheesh! Yes, our living room is a little cozy for 13 people, but I don’t even care. “Get over it,” I winked, secretly hoping we can get a sectional one day. 

A Stress Free Holiday

How do we manage a household of adult kids who have differing views and perspectives? How do we handle difficult conversations with grace and truly enjoy our time together? How do we make room for apologies and tenderness when tensions rise? How do we handle schedules and meal prep so mom isn’t exhausted?

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Managing Holiday Expectations with Adult Children: Tips for a Joyful Holiday Season

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Managing Holiday Expectations with Adult Children: Tips for a Joyful Holiday Season

 “Yet true godliness with contentment is itself great wealth.” - 1 Timothy 6:6


Longing for Christmas Past

Angela riffled through the familiar Christmas boxes, as she quietly set up the tree. Memories of Christmases past swirled through her mind. Christmas morning arrived with bleary eyed kids awake early, while gooey cinnamon rolls baked in the oven. The smell of cinnamon and a fresh brewed pot of coffee wafted through the home. The three eager kids were lined up on the couch, in their matching Christmas jammies, waiting for them to doll out their presents. “Which one did Santa bring?” the youngest exclaimed as Angela and her hubby shared a knowing glance.

Hours were spent on the floor playing with their new toys, while discarded Christmas wrapping and bows floated around the room. Lego sets were carefully organized at the table as little boys built their new creations. They could barely pull the kids away from their new treasures to enjoy a little Christmas breakfast. 

“I wonder what Christmas will be like this year?” Angela thought. I wish we could go back to those simple days when all the kids were at home. We had them all to ourselves. It was so easy. We didn’t have to share with in-laws. I wish we could just keep it all the same forever. I feel sad that those days are gone.  


A Season to Adapt

We long to cling to the good ole days when our kids were young and we knew exactly what to expect. It was easier. We weren’t required to adapt. We wouldn’t be disappointed. We understand this tension of longing for the past but realize we must adapt for the good of the whole.

 This is a new season with our adult children and holding on to old expectations is the surest way to ruin the holiday season for our whole family. We have a gracious God who willingly supports us as we learn new ways.

Let's define expectations so we’re all on the same page.  According to Collins Dictionary, a person's expectations are strong beliefs they have about the proper way someone should behave or something should happen.

For moms, a lot of expectations center around how we believe the holidays should look for our families. When our kids don’t meet those expectations it causes tension.Disappointment bubbles up, resentment brews.

Do you have expectations of what the holiday season should look like? Are you crushed when your expectations aren’t met by your grown kids? What if there were a better way for us to enjoy the holiday season with our growing families?

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Why It's Important to Pray for Your Adult Child

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Why It's Important to Pray for Your Adult Child

The Invitation to Pray

Have you ever had a directive straight from heaven? I heard the Spirit whisper clearly one day, “If you don’t pray for your adult children, who will?”

The impact of that question rattled around in my heart and head. Aside from their grandma, who was praying for our adult children? Besides their dad and I, who was interceding on their behalf? Maybe someone from church? Maybe their pastor? Maybe a few friends or their in-laws? The list seemed quite short in my estimation.

The significance of my “yes” to pray seemed magnified. “Challenge accepted, Holy Spirit!” I whispered.

We often feel unsettled when kids grow up and leave. We see them less often, and we have diminished impact over their choices. They have free will. They get to make their own path. This is God’s will for humanity. God wants our kids to choose Him but He will not force His hand. Instead He lovingly calls them to His heart.

We need to remember we still have influence through our prayers.

It’s a privilege to pray for our adult kids as they navigate relationships, health trials, young marriage, career choices, parenting “littles”, cultural wars, and what they believe about God.

Prayer is one thing we can do for our adult children. It’s an honor and privilege to intercede on their behalf. Prayer is the tool we use to surrender our wishes, and hold fast to the promises of God. Momma, you know how we are as moms. We think we know best and when life with our child doesn’t go how we think it should, we get a little upset. We question God’s goodness, we doubt His presence, and we feel abandoned. 

Prayer is the tool we use to reorient our hearts to God.

Stormie Omartian said it best in her book, The Power of Praying for Your Adult Children, “Prayer is not telling God what to do. Prayer is partnering with God to see that His will is done.”

More than anything I want God’s will done in my children’s lives. Even the ones who doubt He is real or feel hurt by the church. My continual prayer is they would have a fresh revelation of His great love for them.

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Four Great Reasons Moms Can Connect with God

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Four Great Reasons Moms Can Connect with God

“Yes, I am the vine; you are the branches. Those who remain in me, and I in them, will produce much fruit. For apart from me you can do nothing.” - John 15:5 NL

Connecting with God


The sun bursts forth as my hubby and I head out for our early morning prayer walk. There’s something powerful about talking to God about our adult kids. Our five offspring are all out of college, four are married, and they are all pursuing careers they enjoy, and yet they all have struggles. Just like any family, ours deals with financial stressors, physical pain, sickness, mental health, relational strife, cultural wars, parenting issues, and managing adulthood well. This is all part of being human. Our kids will always have stressors, but we must respond with faith.

Moms have two options: worry relentlessly about our kids, or pray for them, releasing it all to God, allowing Him to have His way in their lives. As we stroll each morning, we lift our kids to God. He certainly knows what they need more than we. Each prayer is an act of surrender and a way to restore peace to us. Most of the stressors belong to our adult kids. They need to figure them out. We are here to love and support as they navigate adulthood with their own resources. 

My husband and I know that apart from God we are nothing. With God all things are possible. What a privilege to rely on Him as we release our adult kids to His capable hands. Blessed assurance rises in our souls as we pray.

How about you? 

Have you leaned into your relationship with God even more now that you’ve gently released your child into adulthood?  I often hear moms say, “I need God now more than ever before. It was so much easier when my kids were young.”

We want to cling, hold fast to old routines and familiar patterns and all the while God says, “Let them go and cling to Me. Everything you need, I have provided. I’m here. I’m for you. Move a little closer and let me show you I’m trustworthy.”

God waits for the weary, worried mom’s arrival. He’s ready to assist her as she pours out her anguish and fears and then remembers who He is to her.

Jesus uses the teaching from the vineyard to show us what it means to have a living breathing relationship with God, where we cultivate our union and bear fruit because of our connection with God.  “Yes, I am the vine; you are the branches. Those who remain in me, and I in them, will produce much fruit. For apart from me you can do nothing.” - John 15:5 NLT

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This is the Right Way to Set Strong Boundaries

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This is the Right Way to Set Strong Boundaries

Let everyone see that you are considerate in all you do. Remember, the Lord is coming soon. - Philippians 4:5 NLT

There is a right and a wrong way to set boundaries. The goal of boundary setting is to help everyone understand who is responsible for what. 

Never start a conversation about boundaries with this phrase,”This is my boundary…!” It is the surest way to offend your adult child because we sound demanding. Implementing boundaries is positive and helpful.

Setting Boundaries is not:

  • control

  • anger

  • rudeness

  • gas lighting

  • manipulation

  • selfish

Remember, the reason for your boundary. It’s so you won’t become burnt out or overwhelmed and so your adult child becomes responsible for themselves. Boundaries aid in understanding your capacity and limits. They’re a tool to foster healthy interdependent relationships with your adult children, but there is a right way to set them. 

First off, we have to establish what we need in the way of boundaries with our adult children. Boundaries are for you and about what you need in a relationship.

There are several types of boundaries:

  • Physical-has to do with personal space and privacy.

  • Emotional-what you will and won’t provide emotionally for your child

  • Financial-focuses on money and how you will or won’t help your adult child financially

  • Intellectual-encompass beliefs and ideas and the respect of your differences.

A boundary only becomes a limit when you have evaluated what you need, communicated with your child about it, then held said boundary. You must do all three parts otherwise it’s just wishful thinking. 

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Do's & Don'ts of Launching Your Child

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Do's & Don'ts of Launching Your Child

“May God give you more and more mercy, peace, and love.”-Jude 1:2 NLT

Move in Day

The August sun beat down as we unloaded our overpacked cars and schlepped items up to the third floor of her dorm. We passed sweaty students, as eager parents made sense of the small spaces. Our youngest daughter, Keziah was bright with excitement as we unpacked boxes and got her closet arranged just right. Her dad lugged the refrigerator up three flights and lofted the bed. We were thankful for a breeze through her window.

We gobbled some Chick Fil-A, made a Target run, then one last sweep of her room. We didn’t want to stay too long or do too much for her.  She plopped down on her cute futon under the lofted bed with the matching comforter and fluffy throw pillows. She looked content in her space, with little plants speckled about the room. She seemed ready. This was our cue to head home.

Why did she seem so assured and confident? This one was fiercely independent. All I could think of was I wouldn’t see her sweet face every day.  A lump formed in my throat as we said our goodbyes. Soft tears rolled down our cheeks. I think she cried for us more than herself. We knew this young woman would prosper in every way. 

The three hour ride home was quiet for my hubby and I. The familiar sadness of separation logged in the pit of my stomach.  All I could think about was how fast those eighteen years with her went. After 30 years of parenting our five kids, the nest was empty. Though I had made this transition five times, it never got easier for me. 

Transitions

When we launch our children to college, the military, or a job in a new city, it is one of the biggest transitions we will make as moms. It’s a mixed bag of jubilation and sorrow, excitement, and dread. We know what we must face once we return home to an empty bedroom.

We will miss their adorable faces and everyday interactions. We will long for the pile of dirty dishes in their rooms, and the friends they brought home. We’ll miss their voice and plopping down on their beds to chat. They’re absence changes the family dynamic, and that’s an adjustment too.  

Many questions fill our thoughts: Will they make friends?  Will they be lonely or homesick? Will they be responsible? Will they continue to love God? Will they be safe?

This is the season where we let go of our kids and cling to God. 

We understand the assignment.

We recognize everything has changed, but we are not left alone to figure it out. 

God lavishes mercy, peace, and love on us. He’s tender with us. He understands our heartache and He equips us to do things differently. As we are infused with love and peace, we are able to relate to our emerging adults in a fresh way.

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How to Manage Your Grief When Your Child Leaves

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How to Manage Your Grief When Your Child Leaves

“Therefore the Lord longs to be gracious to you. And therefore He waits on high to have compassion on you.” -Isaiah 30:18

College Drop Off

The sadness lingered below the surface as I gazed in the rearview mirror. Moriah’s warm amber eyes looked back at me as the wintry landscape was reflected in the car window. Oh, how I would miss those eyes and seeing her cuddled up on the couch with another novel. Who would instigate sibling teasing now? She was the mischievous one in our family. 

We headed to the city from our rural community to drop off our daughter at college. She graduated high school a semester early, then started college that January. “Was this even a good idea,” I wondered? Is she too young? I’m not ready to let her go. I flung a silent prayer to heaven. “Lord, help me be brave for her today.” 

 I plastered on my bright smile as we schlepped boxes up the stairs of the dorm, while young students and eager family members drifted through the halls. Excitement commingled with grief. I dreaded the thought of saying goodbye. With each load, I knew the inevitable would happen. I’d drive away from this pristine campus, nestled in the city, and leave a little bit of my heart behind. 

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My Midlife Battle Cry

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My Midlife Battle Cry

Have you ever received a surprise via email?

I opened my email and started reading about his gorgeous green book called, Midlife Battle Cry: Redefining the Mighty Second Half, by Dawn Barton. The email mentioned my niche to midlife women and asked if I’d be interested in a free copy. Well, my ears perked up and I said, “Yes, I’d love a free copy of this book.”  All I had to do, in return, was write a blog for “my people” and share it on social media. Easy Peasy. The book arrived a few days later.
That evening, I crawled into the hot bubble bath and opened the introduction. I was hooked, even though she jokingly said, “No one reads the introduction.” I always read the introduction because this is where the writer tells us what we get from reading said book.  

She talked about the shock of reaching the “fiddy” milestone birthday and all the expectations we carry along with a bag of regrets. We wonder what’s next and if we’re all a little washed up in midlife.She proposes the second half is the best and half and I have to agree. 


More About the Book

 From the back cover:  “In Midlife Battle Cry, hilarious bestselling author Dawn Barton blends stories, insights and –yes some sass—to inspire you to 

  • embrace who you are physically, spiritually, and emotionally;

  • make your midlife a pivot point into a bold and powerful season; 

  • share your experience and wisdom; and 

  • accept that sometimes adding arch support to your favorite shoes is the way to go.”

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How to Be a Haven for Your Adult Child

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How to Be a Haven for Your Adult Child

“Love does no wrong to others, so love fulfills the requirements of God’s law.” - Romans 13:10

Oh how we enjoy family time together! 

Our robust family of thirteen is spread across Missouri, Illinois, Minnesota, and Iowa. We gather together two-three times each year. When they were young, I never imagined the physical distance between us. It’s hard for all of us. The kids are constantly bickering about which state is the best to live in and why don’t we all join them there. 

Our adult kids traveled hundreds of miles and descended on our home weary and stiff, but happy to be there, for the long July 4th weekend. Hugs were shared as each family trudged up the front steps with suitcases and a few pets. 

Our normal, tidy home for two, was bustling with chaos and activity. The diabetic cat and the hyper Goldendoodle weren’t too fond of each other. We were vigilant to keep them apart. The coffee pot never stopped humming, and we went through an insane amount of Coke. Each family was in charge of a meal, from grocery shopping, prep, cooking, and cleanup. The bathrooms were busy, as the washing machine spun the dirty towels.

My Family Is Just Like Yours

We’re like any normal family. We have different values and beliefs. We say or do things that are insensitive. We get miffed with each other. We have our share of struggles, including mental health, financial, job transitions, friendship despair, philosophical, and religious differences, but we have purposed in our hearts to create a home where our grown kids are loved and welcomed, just as they are. We endeavor to apologize when necessary and listen well.

In her book Love, Pray, Listen, Mary DeMuth says this: “Your job is to create a haven relationship, one where your adult kids long to be near you because of how they feel in your presence.” It’s the heartbeat of what we’ve created with our grown children. We want to be a safe space for them. We want them to enjoy being with us. We want to love them as Christ loves us. 

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Why It's Helpful to Respect Your Married Kids' Boundaries

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Why It's Helpful to Respect Your Married Kids' Boundaries

“As the Scriptures say, ‘A man leaves his father and mother and is joined to his wife, and the two are united into one.’” - Ephesians 5:31 NLT

A Kindness Extended

I reached for my phone to text our youngest daughter, Keziah, who lives three hours away from us, with her hubby, Forrest. Keziah is a missionary on a college campus, so her days are full with student activities, projects, meeting with students, and leadership training. I typed, “Hey Kizzy, can you look at your schedule to see when dad and I might pop over for a quick visit? I know you’re swamped with end of the year activities, but I miss your face.” 

“Aw, we miss you too. It’s crazy around here. I can’t wait for the school year to be over so we can have a little more time. Let me talk to Forrest and I’ll get back to you. Love ya mom.” she responded.

“Love you too. Can’t wait to see you.” I replied. 

It’s About Respect

Some parents find it silly to ask permission to visit their grown children. They jump in the car with no consideration for their adult child’s previous plans or if their adult children have the capacity for a visit. A simple ask goes a long way in communicating kindness and compassion for our adult children’s lives. This simple gesture communicates, “We understand you’re separate from us now. We want to honor you.” 

 One of the most challenging concepts for a young married couple is how to have boundaries with their parents. First, the couple needs to have brave conversations with each other, then they need to talk to their parents about their established boundaries.  

We can help them take this courageous step when we willingly respect their limits. 

“As the Scriptures say, ‘A man leaves his father and mother and is joined to his wife, and the two are united into one.’” - Ephesians 5:31 NLT This is a mandate from God and a clear explanation of what boundaries are for our married children. Our children are to leave their parents and create a family of their own, without our input or influence over their decisions. 

Mom’s Role

What are you doing to encourage your child to leave and cleave to their spouse? 

Moms play a significant role in the success of our child’s marriage when we allow them to leave us and cling to their mate. There will be no more “momma’s boy.” His wife is his new girl. That doesn’t mean you’re not important. It just means you’ll play a secondary role, the way God intended. 

 Will you be a help or a hindrance in the growth of your child’s marriage?

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How to Be The World's Best Mother- In-law

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How to Be The World's Best Mother- In-law

“This explains why a man leaves his father and mother and is joined to his wife, and the two are united into one.”- Genesis 2:24

What kind of mother-in-law are you? Maybe your kids aren’t married yet, but have you thought about what kind of mother-in-law you want to be? Just saying the phrase brings up a negative response, right?

Monster In-Law

Do you remember the 2005 movie, Monster In-Law with Jane Fonda and Jennifer Lopez? The story went like this. Charlotte (Jennifer Lopez) is smitten when she meets Dr. Kevin Fields (Michael Vartan). So when Kevin pops the question after they start dating, Charlotte happily accepts. But she soon realizes that Kevin's mom, Viola (Jane Fonda), is not quite thrilled to have a new family member. Viola, a newscaster, has just lost her job and is feeling rather attached to Kevin, so she regards Charlotte as her new competition -- and will apparently do anything to make her son call off the wedding.

We  simultaneously cringed and laughed as the antics unfolded of the mother-in-law's overbearing nature and constant criticism of her son’s choice. She tried to control everything. She resorted to manipulation. She was the epitome of what not to do as a mother-in-law. The movie was over the top but it resonated because so many couples experience this heartache from a scorned mother who doesn’t understand her boundaries.

 It doesn’t have to be this way. 

How about you? Have you thought about the kind of mother-in-law you want to be? Are you taking steps to do this role well, to be a blessing to your children, instead of causing conflict and relational stress?

There’s a powerful verse of scripture that sets the stage and provides clear boundaries for a mother in-law. “This explains why a man leaves his father and mother and is joined to his wife, and the two are united into one.”- Genesis 2:24 This verse tells us a man will leave his mother and father and become united with his wife.There must be separation.Their bond is the base for all leadership in their family. They call the shots; you do not. They are separate from their parents as God intended them to be.

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The Best Ways to Easily Stay Present with Your Senior

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The Best Ways to Easily Stay Present with Your Senior

“There’s an opportune time to do things, a right time for everything on the earth: A right time to hold on and another to let go.” Ecclesiastes 3:6

I watched Rebekah gracefully cross the stage to accept her certificate, confident and composed, as my mind flashed to her four-year-old-self. I saw her in her purple sequined tutu and her first pair of tap shoes, blissfully on stage at her first dance recital. Her wavy hair was piled on top of her head in a messy bun, with a purple feather hat tipped to the side. She grinned from ear to ear as the music faded up. Her brown eyes sparkled as she danced.

I remembered the challenging middle school years where girls hurled insults and hurt her tender heart. “Mean Girls” wasn’t just a movie, it was a shocking reality for my young teen. She navigated rejection and learned important lessons about friendship.

High school brought endless leadership opportunities and growth. And here we were at the end, as our calendar was filled with events.The final Choir Concert, Spring Musical, National Honor Society Banquet, Prom, Student Council Banquet, Speech Banquet. She blissfully walked through each event while I thought my heart would break in two. How can a mom experience such joy and sadness in the same moments?

My thoughts raced ahead. In three short months, we’d be dropping her off at a college 431 miles away from us. What were we thinking? Will she find good friends? Will she feel homesick and want to come home? What am I going to do without my daughter? No more coffee dates, Target runs, or show tunes blaring from the bathroom. Anxiety and fear welled up inside of me. I dreaded thinking about the fall, and the deep loss I would experience. 

It was time to give myself a little pep talk. “Focus on today,” I told myself. “She hasn’t left yet. Enjoy your summer together.”

Momma, how about you? Are you moving too fast and already grieving when your child leaves in the fall? What if there is a way to stay present with our children and soak up all the goodness, today? Right here. Right now.

It’s a normal response to feel sad, when we think about the future apart from our grownup child. What if instead of projecting into the unknown future, we stayed active and present with our seniors while they were still home?  

Imagine my shock, as a friend was telling me about this passage in the Message version. A certain phrase stood out and I know it will mean a lot to you too. “There’s an opportune time to do things, a right time for everything on the earth: A right time to hold on and another to let go.” Ecclesiastes 3:6.  Momma, God is saying there’s a right time to hold and another to let go. Isn’t that the best news? It’s not time to let go, YET! God invites you to hold on for a little while longer and savor the moments with your emerging adult. Isn’t that the sweetest permission?

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Exceptional Advice to Triumph with Digital Communication

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Exceptional Advice to Triumph with Digital Communication

Can we talk about cell phones for a hot minute? Goodness, there are so many parameters to consider with our adult children, wouldn’t you agree? We have got you covered with all your digital guidelines!

I recently had Suzy Mighell, Influencer and content creator of the popular blog, Empty Nest Blessed on The Midlife Momma Podcast. Check out episode 60, Finding Your Better Purpose in the Empty Nest, here.

Anyways, she was on the podcast and when we finished recording we had this wonderful conversation about digital communication with our adult children. 

About Suzy

Let me tell you about my online friend, Suzy! She is a ray of sunshine and encouragement. Her Empty Nest Blessed website is a lovely magazine format of fashion, beauty, travel, cooking for two, and parenting adult kids. It’s everything you need to know in the empty nest. She shares oodles of tips and tricks, great finds and heartfelt encouragement. Be sure to check out her website, and follow her on Instagram, and Facebook.


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Back to our conversation…So many moms are filled with questions about how to handle digital communication. We feel compelled to over communicate or maybe we under communicate! If you’re still checking your Life 360 app of your grown child, please delete it today.  Below is our conversation, interview style. We hope you find the tips helpful. Here we go!

WHAT’S A GOOD WAY TO TALK ABOUT DIGITAL COMMUNICATION? WHEN SHOULD I DO IT? HOW DO I KNOW HOW MUCH DIGITAL COMMUNICATION ON MY END IS TOO MUCH? WHAT ARE SOME GOOD RULES OF ENGAGEMENT? HOW DO I HANDLE MY EXPECTATIONS SURROUNDING DIGITAL COMMUNICATION? 

Pamela: Have the conversation when the kids leave home for college, military or the workforce. A simple conversation about communication clears up a lot of things and helps us manage our expectations. I have five kids and we all communicate differently. Some I text with several times a week and others not nearly as much. But I love them all and we feel close to each other. The bottom line is to have clear communication about how you want to communicate when you’re apart. If you’ve failed to talk about this, then now is the perfect time. Clear the air, forgive and start over. You’ll be amazed how much peace you’ll experience moving forward.

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Surprisingly Helpful Tips When Your Baby Graduates High School

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Surprisingly Helpful Tips When Your Baby Graduates High School


“There is no one like the God of Israel. He rides across the heavens to help you,  across the skies in majestic splendor.- Deuteronomy 33:26 

Welcome to the month of May when you have a senior. It’s a little part grief, overwhelm, and annoyance. Hang in there, momma. We are going to get you through. Let me tell you about our first born’s graduation party.

That Didn’t Go As I Expected

We spent the day preparing for our first born, Keenan’s high school graduation. I was a stressed out momma, wanting everything to be perfect. The white tent was set up in the backyard, the food was prepped, and the decorations looked lovely. I drew a bubble bath, to relax after a busy day, when I heard a piercing scream. 

Baby sister, Keziah was at the back door holding her dangling arm. Our kindergartener had spent the day happily jumping from a bench to the clothes line pole while we scurried about prepping for the grad party. On the last jump, she missed the pole and landed on the ground, her arm mangled from the impact. We knew immediately it was serious and rushed off to the ER. 

Our small town ER sent us eighty miles away to a larger hospital so she could have the compound fracture surgically repaired. I sat shocked and dismayed as I waited for her to get through surgery. How is this even happening, I thought, eyes lifted to heaven? I wondered why we had to face this difficult situation in the middle of an already stressful season. I was miffed at God. Where were those angels of protection when we needed them?

We returned home at 5am and tucked our sweet girl into bed. Exhausted and stressed from our baby's injury, we now had the reality of hosting a graduation party in a few hours. I was already exhausted, and now I had lost a whole night's sleep. Goodness. It was too much to bear! 

The party went off perfectly, and our sweet little kindergartener was lavished on by our guests. She was a real trouper considering all she had been through. Our senior enjoyed the party then set out with his friends afterwards. It was a beautiful day in every way. The day before wasn’t anything like we expected but we learned a few lessons from it. 

How about you, momma?  How are you handling the stress with your high school senior?

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