“Just say a simple, ‘Yes, I will,’ or ‘No, I won’t.’ Anything beyond this is from the evil one.” Matthew‬ ‭5‬:‭37‬ ‭NLT
Heavy Burdens

I listened to Jenny (not her real name) talk about her 30 year old daughter. Compassion oozed from her eyes but so did weariness. “My daughter’s really struggling now, and she needs me so I spend a lot of time listening to her. I spent a couple hours on the phone with her last night,” she said. “How did that make you feel?" I asked. She glanced down and with a sad sigh, said. “I’m exhausted. I can’t do it anymore. It wears me out, and I can’t sleep and I obsess about how she’s doing. I have no time for myself because I spend all my time thinking about her.” 

My heart went out to her and I said, “Jenny, how would you like it to be different?” “I would love to not feel so bogged down by her troubles,” I smiled and said, “Aw, Jenny, your heart is in the right place, but let’s talk about boundaries. Are you responsible to fix everything for your daughter?” 

Jenny looked down and sheepishly said, “Probably not, but I don’t know how to stop ‘momming’.” “Goodness, Jenny,” I smiled, “I want you to know that you actually have permission to stop ‘momming’ the way you always did, now that your kids are independent adults.” Relief flooded her expression and she said, “Please show me how.”

How about you? Have you ever felt emotionally overwhelmed by your adult child’s issues, stuck knowing what to do with it? What if there were a way to support your child, without losing yourself completely? 

What is a Boundary?

Mental health professionals use the term boundaries. According to TherapistAid.com, “Boundaries are the limits and rules we set for ourselves within relationships. A person with healthy boundaries can say “no” to others when they want to, but they are also comfortable opening themselves up to intimacy and close relationships.”

Boundaries help us understand what we’re responsible for and what others are responsible for. Imagine a boundary as a fence, with a gate that you can open and close. It’s not rigid; there’s flexibility for movement. But that fence helps us know we’re responsible for our part of the property and other people are responsible for the other side of the barrier. 

Boundaries are about telling our adult children what we need. For example, in the story above, Jenny could lovingly say, “I’m here to support you, but I don’t have the capacity for two hour conversations after my work day. I’m free to listen for 30 minutes on Thursdays. What can you do to carry your own emotional load?”

 Always be humble and gentle. Be patient with each other, making allowance for each other’s faults because of your love.- Ephesians 4:2

A Case Study of Humility

The world has been captured and alarmed with the breakdown of the Duggar family on the Amazon Prime series, Shiny, Happy People. In case you missed it, the Duggars appeared on a TLC series, 19 Kids and Counting, where they esteemed Christian values and the virtues of purity and obedience with their nineteen children. They had rigid guidelines for everything and the children were raised in a controlled environment where obedience was king. 

The oldest son was accused of sexually abusing his younger sisters. They sent him away, as a teen, then later as an adult, he was charged with having violent child pornography on his work computer. As adults, the sisters were forced to make public statements defending their brother and the family's virtue. Not once did the parents go to their adult children and apologize. Instead, they justified their actions by crushing their offspring.

Recently I recorded a podcast with author, Mary DeMuth and she said this:

“I just read a statement by the Dugger matriarch and patriarch. They had all these things that they said and I thought this would've been an opportunity for them to humble themselves. And say, ‘We didn't get it all right. We were looking for a method that would solve all of our parental problems, so we wouldn't have to think. We're so sorry.’ Can you imagine the beautiful harmony that would happen in that family if the parents would be willing to say, ‘we didn't get it right? We're sorry that was really, really legalistic or whatever it is that we're apologizing for.’” 

I agree with Mary. Can you imagine the domino effect of healing that might have started for the whole family if Jim Bob and Michelle had laid down their pride and humbled themselves and said they handled the crisis wrong? Instead, they made statements to defend their actions, leaving some of their children estranged from them. Surely they didn’t know how to manage the situation with the abuse. That would be overwhelming for any parents. But because of pride, they showed a lack of dignity to their adult children, while the whole world watched. My heart goes out to those grown kids. 

The Grace of Humility

Humility isn’t a popular topic, nor is it easy for anyone, especially a parent. Pride rules in our culture and is often the root of many familial breakdowns. As parents, we’ve spent years being right. It was our job to teach, train, and guide in hopes our children develop into responsible adults. 

How we communicate to our adult children matters and humility must be foremost in our interactions. When we are humble before our grown-up kids, with our words and deeds, it builds a bridge to healing. 

Humility in the Bible

The Word is sprinkled with the virtue of humility calling us to go low for the sake of others. Jesus embodied the grace of humility.

•  Always be humble and gentle. Be patient with each other, making allowance for each other’s faults because of your love. - Ephesians 4:2

• And he gives grace generously. As the Scriptures say, “God opposes the proud
  but gives grace to the humble.” - James 4:6

• Pride leads to disgrace, but with humility comes wisdom. - Proverbs 11:2

• He leads the humble in doing right, teaching them his way. - Psalm 25:9

• Don’t be selfish; don’t try to impress others. Be humble, thinking of others as better than yourselves. - Philippians 2:3